Would you sleep the night at your ex’s house if you had a partner?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

Just wondering, my ex is coming to stay at my house with my DD for a few days over Christmas. The DD is our child...

I’m curious as to whether he is with someone new. I don’t think I would do that if I had a partner.

It's a bad idea OP. Your feelings for this man are confusing you to do what's right by your daughter. Don't confuse her.

He may be your DD's father but he is essentially a stranger to her if he has only met her once and I certainly would not be having someone who is a stranger to my child sleeping over in my home. He should get a hotel.

I am a child whose father was sporadic with contact and trust me you will be doing your DD a massive disservice by allowing this.

He should be in an airbnb.

You've got a fantasy going on here - you're speculating about girlfriends instead of whether this is really the best solution for your dd.

He had planned to leave for oz before we met. The timing was completely wrong, and yes I should have walked away but I fell in love and we talked about me going with him. The I fell pregnant. But still as you all say it was wrong of him, and I know that.

If you wanna, has he never been in contact with you?

I did it last Xmas eve, stayed at my ex's so we could be together while the kids opened their presents on Xmas morning. My DP didn't mind but I didn't feel good about it - won't be doing it this year

I was going to answer based on my relationship with my ex, he lives 250 miles away so often stays over to see our child and his older daughter.

However in your circumstances I would say an absolute resounding no. Not a chance and if you are thinking it will be a way to rekindle your relationship if onky he can see what a happy family you would make, well you will end up getting hurt.

in your situation - absolutely not.

Oh, the reveal changes everything.

No, in that circumstance, I absolutely wouldn't have him in my house. Absolutely fine with him spending time with DD (3 fucking years though!) but he can get a hotel or b&b.

I sleep at my ex's house every night I'm not with my partner: we live together. And, no, my ex and I don't have sex.

Just another perspective.

Did you read OP's updates?

My ex has slept on my sofa while I slept in my bed.

Yes, @category12, I did.

B&B.

Wouldn't be a problem, no.

My mum used to come stay the night at my dad’s house for Christmas or other big days. It was perfectly normal to me, and I was really grateful to have everyone in one place and not split my time between them. We even would sometimes go on holiday.

They were most certainly NOT interested in each other at all. My mum didn’t have a partner but my dad did (she’d often join us for Christmas dinner or my birthday party too). I only realised as a grown up that not everyone’s parents who had split up were that amicable, which I have a lot of respect for them for now.

But if your ex is a twat and it won’t be a positive thing for your dd, that’s something else entirely.

Ah, OK - I read this as "is it OK to stay the night with your ex, or would your current partner be justified in being upset by this?"

When actually your question is "my daughter's father who has never met her before can finally be bothered to fly over and meet her. He wants to stay at mine - DOES THIS MEAN HE'S SINGLE??"

Basically your ex is too tight for a hotel and thinks it would be fine to just mooch off you for a bit. And rather than thinking" wtf, this guy has no boundaries or any sense of how this might affect his daughter" you're thinking "hurrah, this must mean he's single, maybe he'll see how brilliant living with us would be and suddenly become the partner and father I've been longing for".

You aren't wrong or stupid to want that OP - being a single parent is hard, you loved this guy and it must be really tempting to day dream about you guys getting back together. But please protect your heart and protect your daughter from this guy letting you both down again.

Don't sleep with him. Don't let him play house for two days then fuck off again. He may realise what he's missing out on, decide to relocate and become a family with you - but there's actually nothing you can do to make that happen. If he's going to do that, he'll do it whether he's sleeping on your sofa or staying in a bnb. The difference is that you'll feel a lot less hurt and destroyed when he does push off back to Australia if you haven't spent the last few days sleeping together, making each other cups of tea and generally pretending to be a couple.

You'll be looking at your daughter playing with this guy and thinking "there's no way he isn't falling totally in love with her - and look at how happy she is with him. He'll realise how great she is, and how much she needs him, and he'll stay forever". Whereas there's a strong chance that he's thinking "Wow, what an excellent father I am. Clearly there's no need for me to feel guilty about not actually being in my daughters life - our current plan of Skype chats and nothing much else will do nicely. when I go back to Australia I can spend years telling everyone how close I am to my kid and how much she means to me. Even getting a bit teary about how much I miss her. DD is fine with it, OP is fine with it - I'm basically father of the year and an excellent person. LATERS DAUGHTER - maybe I'll see you again in a few years".

Good luck, op

What finewordsforaporcupine said. ^

Will reply back properly tonight after work 😊 but wanted to thank everyone for your time and words. I do appreciate it and yes, you are all right. What would I do without mumsnet! 👍

He's using you as free accommodation. No way would I have him stay in my house. Your DD has only met him once. He shouldn't be invading her space. Tell him he's welcome to see her as much as he wants whilst he's here (if that's what you want) but he needs to stay elsewhere.

So let me explain, he said he would book a b&b to be closer to us. And initially he wanted to stay for a week, which I reduced to just two days. I spoke to a few people, including family who suggested I let him stay at my house. Something I hadn’t contemplated until then. But the rationale behind it was he could be involved in her bedtime routine. And it would in general be more relaxed for both of them. Ultimately I just want my DD to have some quality time with her dad.

So he wasn’t looking for free accommodation. I won’t go into detail, but he has purchased some expensive tickets for us to go to the theatre together.

I just want to ensure my DD knows I did everything I could for her.

I’m not going to ask him to not stay now, it would just cause issues. But you have all made me realise to forget about any romantic dreams I had.

What exactly do you think expensive theatre tickets prove?

I’m not going to ask him to not stay now, it would just cause issues.

You should, and it shouldn't cause any issues. Not if he respects your boundaries and recognises that he should be jumping through hoops to prove his commitment to his daughter, and respect for the person who has raised her single handedly. He's got two months. I'm sure his finances can stretch since he's never paid a penny for his child.

*I'm not going to ask him to not stay now, it would just cause issues.
*
Sounds more like you just really want him to stay. At least own it if that's the case. Please don't sleep with him.

@Cherryblossom200 nope he’s just not interested. Other than telling me “oh, she’s been born then?” when I contacted him after her birth, the only other contact we’ve had was a text when my DD was 2 with a scan picture saying “We have some happy news, DD is going to be a big sister!”
You can imagine my confusion and rage considering he’s never bothered to meet our DD, so how the hell was she going to be a big sister to a child she’ll never meet?!