Affairs.....why is it always the womans job

[Greenkit]

In all the posts about men going off and having affairs, its always the woman/wife/GF left behind who has to rearrange her life and sort out childcare or rearrange her job to accommodate him leaving.

I worked with a man many years ago and his wife always said to him, if he had an affair, she would leave him with the children. She would be the weekend 'fun' parent and he would be left with all the responsibility of his children and rearranging his job.

I just dont understand why it is always down to the woman to do this, and the man gets to swan off and be the part time parent?

I've always felt the same about the kid thing. At least if it was older kids. Let him do the brunt of the work. I think I'd go travelling for a bit too xD

But I think a lot of women want to see their kids as much as possible and don't want to be away from them especially when they are young.

Also, often the man is the one to leave the family home when he cheats. So the kids would have to be uprooted too.

And if he stays with the other woman, some women might not want their kids to be around that any more than necessary.

I think I disagree with the sentiment if your post. Mainly because this isnt about affairs. This happens in any split.

Yes, men often dont do enough when they leave. Though as I have got older i know quite alot of people whose mothers swanned off without a backwards glance in the 70s/80s/90s. Far more common than I had thought. It seems that a lot of people dont speak about that.

However, often the women want to keep the kids. Especially if they have made career sacrifices and are the main carer of the children.

So it makes sense, the children would stay with the mother. Hopefully, as times change more men will care for their children 50:50 within the relationship, and then continue that if the relationship ends.

Though, I have seen a change in tone on mn when it comes to this issue, in the 10 years I have been here.

When women are sahp, or work less than full time or are the main careers, it's always been that in the event of the divorce it's only right for the woman to pursue the man for everything they can get.

Yet more and more women are coming to complain that they are the main wage earners, their husband is a cocklodger (when actually it appears they work part time and are main carers of the kids) and arent happy their soon to be ex is saying half the house and pension that they have paid for. These men are demonized for wanting their fair share, or what was seen as a fair share when women are the low earner/main carer. And/Or for wanting to take the kids.

I think the next 10 years will see a huge shake up of how all these things work.

When me an exh split we did 50:50 as we did when married. But as time has gone on, the kids choose to be with me more. My Home is more stable.

Of course some men are shit and do just fuck off to their new life. But I do think alot of women would prefer to be the RP.

I think both men and women need to have a huge mental shift when it comes to kids and childcare, before equality has any chance of happening.

I know a woman who's husband told her to fuck off, and take her "tribe of kids" (he was their biological father) with her after a marital breakdown. Off she fucked, childfree, to live back in her very close EU country. Said DC travelled to stay with her some weekends and school holidays.

This was back in the '70s and was a shock to many.

@Hesafriendfromwork

In this case it is about affairs

He gets caught
She tells him to leave
He now has a free life to continue to pursue the OW, go to work, no issues etc
She is left at home, trying to sort out the mess, sort out additional childcare if she works etc

I think it’s more that many women can’t stomach abandoning their children with their fathers while men seem to have higher rates of shit parenting. If I were in that position myself I would probably insist on a live in nanny and 50/50 responsibility. As much as I would love to be the one that walks out I just don’t think my husband would be able to do it without hired help in place. It’s not that he a terrible parent, he’s not but he’s not good enough to do it alone. If I left him to do it alone my children would loose out as a result.

I think this is a very sad post. Your children are your family and not a burden to be distributed. Men seem to find it easier to just bugger off though . Ideally in a relationship breakdown the parenting should be shared 50 50 unless this is detrimental to the children

In this case it is about affairs

But I am saying it happens without an affair as well.

She tells him to leave

I don't get this. If he leaves, why would he take the kids? Leaving her in the family home while they all move out, isnt good for the kids.

Surely if she asks him to leave and he does, taking the kids would be to their detriment. If the woman doesnt want to remain as the RP of the kids, she would need to leave. Regardless of the reason for the split.

Isn't it more to do with what is best for the children?

The man who has chosen to have an affair or leave for another woman has already shown that he does not prioritise the welfare of his children or the family unit.

In that situation, as a mother, would it be better for the children to say

• fine, you have the kids then I'm off and good luck to you all, see you one weekend in two

or

• I don't trust you with my children's welfare so I want to be the primary carer.

That said, there are bunch of double standards here - and that women who left in that situation would be judged as evil inhumane uncaring mothers lacking in true maternal instinct. Men aren't judged in the same way. Product of a patriachal society with norms set up to maximise life for the benefit of men.

I think the problem is when you are in a situation like my friend. She threatened to do just that and he said, fine, they can go into care as I won't have them. If you are with a selfish, awful man then just assuming they will step up and be a good parent could well mean the children will suffer and how many mothers would see that happen?

That said, there are bunch of double standards here - and that women who left in that situation would be judged as evil inhumane uncaring mothers lacking in true maternal instinct. Men aren't judged in the same way. Product of a patriachal society with norms set up to maximise life for the benefit of men.

Hear hear! the woman I spoke of saw this shit for what it was. The husband in question very quickly moved his GF in to parent his DC.

@Hesafriendfromwork

*She tells him to leave

I don't get this. If he leaves, why would he take the kids? Leaving her in the family home while they all move out, isnt good for the kids.

Sorry my mistake, I meant she moves out and leaves him to it

@TellItLikeItReallyIs
I guess you could flip it then and the woman had the affair....

I meant she moves out and leaves him to it

If she leaves and leaves him to it, he won't be swanning odd to a new life. But you would need to accept that OW will probably meet the kids much earlier.

Women tend not to do it, because they want to remain with the kids. The reasons for that are complex. From social conditioning, social judgment, to being the main carer and not wanting that to change, financial, because they want the kids lives to stay the same as much as possible etc.

I get what you're saying, and I agree - I was also thinking this recently. Although I agree with @Hesafriendfromwork that it's not always after an affair, it seems to be after a normal split too.

Me and my DH nearly separated in the summer and I remember sobbing at him "that's right, you just fuck off and enjoy doing what the fuck you like every evening while I'll just carry on with life as normal, dealing with the kids and homework and bills and all the usual shite". He said at the time "OK well you move out then and I'll stay here with the kids".

Realistically though, he would never be able to do that because he works such shit hours and in all honesty my first thought was if YOU want to split then why the fuck should I leave MY children? Clearly he can't win with me because I wouldn't be happy with either option

But yeah getting back to the point - I agree with what you're saying, in the majority of cases it does seem to be the guy that swans off while the woman is left to pick up the pieces. It's 2019 and everyone bangs on about equality so I'm really not sure why. Is it down to biology, and men just find it easier than women to leave their children? I'm really not sure.

I wouldn't want to be a part-time parent. The kids are great. They make me happy.

LittleMissEngineer So you've taken on the role of being his mummy.

I think from casual observation people who are having an affair appear to be under some kind of spell. They often don’t act like a rational adult but a love struck teenager.

Most partners who are left (in my experience it tends to be the mum) are left acting like the adult whilst the one who leaves seems to think they are loves young dream.

I think men will never be as close to the DC as a women, due to the fact they grew in our bodies. There’s no way I could leave my DC.

I think more women than men want to keep as much custody of the children as possible. Many women wouldn’t see retaining the majority of the childcare as a negative thing. As PP have said, there are many reasons for that.

I also suspect it’s partly to do with guilt on the leaving partner’s behalf, a sense that they’ve already betrayed their family, it’d be cruel to try and remove the children from the betrayed spouse too or take days of contact away from them to be 50/50. And an assumption that it would never be agreed/allowed, either by the betrayed spouse or the courts, because society very clearly paints the leaver as being morally in the wrong.

More women are considered primary carers when relationships breakdown. Courts assume that financial recompense via child support is sufficient to address this.

On LTB threads I always say to remind the DH (having an affair) that he has to have the DCs on a regular basis. But I'm usually ignored.

Not always. My DB did it when his wife left.

"I think men will never be as close to the DC as a women, due to the fact they grew in our bodies. There’s no way I could leave my DC."

This. Men just don't generally have the same bond and attachment to their children as women. It's pure biology. I wouldn't be willing to even agree to 50/50. I think mothers are generally more important tham fathers. When a mother fucks off and abandons her child, it has a far greater impact on the children than a father doing that.

There are exceptions of course, but generally that's how it is.