Affairs.....why is it always the womans job

[Greenkit]

In all the posts about men going off and having affairs, its always the woman/wife/GF left behind who has to rearrange her life and sort out childcare or rearrange her job to accommodate him leaving.

I worked with a man many years ago and his wife always said to him, if he had an affair, she would leave him with the children. She would be the weekend 'fun' parent and he would be left with all the responsibility of his children and rearranging his job.

I just dont understand why it is always down to the woman to do this, and the man gets to swan off and be the part time parent?

Lots of broad brush strokes being applied here. My exW had the affair, essentially kicked me out then got really arsey over the 50:50 care we had in place, although not until two years in when OM cheated on her and she was on her own.

Once he wasn’t on the scene she started trying to pull back the number of days the DC were with me. I was always happy to have them 50% (and more) and no, I wasn’t leaving the parenting to a new GF, I did it myself and loved doing it.

That’s why I actively encourage women to strongly consider not having children at all. Why make life harder that it needs to be? Children complicate EVERYTHING. Not only making day to day life harder but break-ups and divorces.

Women take the brunt of the chores and childcare anyway even when there is another parent involved. We take the biggest hits in terms of sleep, career, physical and mental health, life opportunities while men’s lives remain largely unchanged.

It’s absolutely not worth it!

Men just don't generally have the same bond and attachment to their children as women.

Is there evidence of this?
I''m not so sure.

@SprinkleDash I think it's true that woman should really consider having kids and the impacts.

But not having kids isnt the only way to solve that. I had kids, maintained my career did 50:50 with the kids and housework.

I divorced, and emotionally upsetting, but practically I was ok. Could get a mortgage and kids went 50:50. I didnt try and fight it as that what we did when married.

I could have fought it, but recognised that it was better for the kids (in our situation) and better for me as I could carry on building a career.

Having kids hasnt negatively impacted my earning power and its increased massively since being single parent. Nor has it impacted my physical or mental health more than exh.

As it goes the kids do spend more time here as they prefer it here. Aveegae 4 nights here. But a that's been entirely their choice.

Women are often impacted. But the biggest impactors are their choice of partner, accepting the role of default carer and wether they become a sahm or reduce their hours rather than both parents taking a hit.

When my husband and I split the first time, children were 13 and 14, son wanted to live with me and daughter with her dad.

We stayed together another 9 years, now they are older its different.

Oh, I think it's worth it, SprinkleDash.

I don't know, Fatshedra - men seem to able to walk away from their dc far more easily/more often.

From my own experience, my ex moved 2 hours away and sees the dc once a fortnight. This year I didn't prompt him to have them more over the holidays, and it evidently never occurred to him, so it continued as once a fortnight. Basically seeing them the minimum. He's deliberately arranged contact so that his birthday weekend is the child-free one every year. I don't understand it at all.

Post makes me feel odd.
Yes kids are hard work and breakup can often lead to poverty for parent with the kids
But idea that parents would fight over who gets not to have them, and that parent has won, is just depressing.

Bizarre way to look at it really.

I personally know many men who are in relationships with women who they aren't in love with, they deny themselves true happiness, purely because they don't want to be apart from their children.

It's all good and well saying a man has the freedom to do as he wishes, but how do you know what it is he wishes for?

We stayed together another 9 years, now they are older its different.

Are you not posting about you?

Your kids are in their twenties. Why would you need to rearrange anything, especially childcare to accommodate him leaving?

It's all good and well saying a man has the freedom to do as he wishes, but how do you know what it is he wishes for?

Yeah... this. I know there's certainly many men who are happy to swan off. But do a Google search and you'll see there's a flood of news articles, agony aunt letters, message board posts etc, etc from men who feel unable to get the access to their kids they feel they should have. It's a widely given reason why men often don't leave the family for the OW. Why? Because there has, up until now, been the widely held belief as stated in this thread and others: that kids "belong" with the mother and that she is the most important parent. Dads are just an optional extra.

I can only put forward my case as a (possibly exception to the rule) example:

Ex-wife decided to quit her job to be a stay-at-home mum. I wasn't keen - I actually offered to cut my hours to allow her to work - but she insisted because she felt it important she "be a proper mum".

She didn't enjoy it entirely, as I suspected. I offered support but she felt I was treading on her toes. She actually said "are you saying I can't do it myself?"

Upshot was she then felt entitled (this came out in counselling) to have an affair. Because she'd been putting so much in for others (the kids) she felt she was entitled to be a little selfish for once.

we didn't recover. She felt I was surplus to requirements. But she didn't ask me to leave - just continued on with her affair and not even really bothering to hide it, until I caught them again and felt I had to file for divorce. She didn't show any remorse. She just got angry - the audacity I had discovered them together rather than turn a blind eye - and replied "whatever" when I said I would see a solicitor.

The divorce itself was surprisingly amicable. I bit my tongue for the good of the kids. I still do - she won't tell anyone bar her best friend she's sees the OM still in secret, even though he left his wife too. But she told me I should only see them every other weekend because that was the usual arrangement. So even being the cheated upon partner, I was told to accept an arrangement where she did most of the work. Because she saw that as the woman's job and the mother's role. Not mine.

I didn't accept it and fought for a greater share of parenting. Its still not 50:50 as I work full time and she doesn't. Its her choice though. We could arrange it if she wanted to. But she doesn't.

Ive only really seen cock lodger used as a term for men who contribute nothing of value. No money, no childcare, no housework. Usually a new partner who is not the bio dad who moves in with a ready made family, wont contribute to bills or help with kids and yet gets all the housework done for him by a single Mother who also has a PT or FT job. You seem to be describing a SAHD. That's different.

There seems to be a lot of men (on here at least) who take advantage of womens lib by enjoying the earnings brought in yet still feel women are solely responsible for childcare and housework.

I'm divorced, not due to an affair though.

I wouldn't want to be the NRP, I want DS with me as much as possible. I wouldn't even do 50/50. My ex doesn't want 50/50 anyway, he's happy with EOW/some weekday scenarios.

I don't see DS as a burden. Sorting childcare and other practical stuff is hard work but I always feel like I have the better deal. I don't want a carefree lifestyle if it means I don't have DS.

Ive only really seen cock lodger used as a term for men who contribute nothing of value. No money, no childcare, no housework. Usually a new partner who is not the bio dad who moves in with a ready made family, wont contribute to bills or help with kids and yet gets all the housework done for him by a single Mother who also has a PT or FT job. You seem to be describing a SAHD. That's different.

I have seen lots of people complaining their stbexh or exh were a cocklodger. When a woman in the same situation would be told she deserves a good chunk of assets when in the same position.

I still think being a sahd is looked down on.

I think being a sahd is looked down on by society in general. Not by mumsnet. Telling girls they can go out and work is great but it means fuck all if we dont teach boys the value of being a carer.

Not by mumsnet

But that's the point. Mners are all for it in general. But when the female wage earner is complaining about how rich he is getting in the divorce, sahp=cocklodger.

People have even given women advice on how to keep the kids and telling them to fight to keep the kids so he gets less. Whilst also saying he was the sahp bit crap at it.

Can you imagine a man complaining that his wife was a crap sahp but was getting loads in the divorce and he wanted advice on how to keep the kids so she got less money?

I asked my husband to leave when I found out about his affair. I felt I lost all certainty and future when my marriage broke down, it was so shocking to my system. Hard as it was to cope with parenting four under six suddenly as a single person, there is no way I would have been able to cope with ‘losing’ the children too. The first time they went to stay with their dad in his new flat, I went to pieces. He was like a stranger to me, behaving erratically, and had never looked after the children solo for more than a few hours.

I find the original post really cold and objective about what, to me, was a complete destruction of my home life.

If I had split from DH when the DC were younger ( youngest 19 now), I am convinced the DC would have been better off with him.
Men just don't generally have the same bond and attachment to their children as women. My DH is a brilliant hands-on Dad and a lot more cuddly and demonstrative than me; also far better at household ‘chores’. If I had been the primary career it would have been for the selfish reason that I would have missed them so much.
I certainly had a head start at childcare - giving birth, breastfeeding etc.- but I am pleased my DH is a fully involved parent and not one of these rather pathetic specimens some MNetters facilitate.

"This. Men just don't generally have the same bond and attachment to their children as women."

I agree. You can argue about the patriarchy, and perhaps that's true to an extent, but the main factor here is probably biology. How many women would actually want to move into a flat, leaving her children entirely in the car of the father - even if he were amenable and she could be sure he would do a decent job?

Hmm not sure

When they're little sure. Bf, primary carer mat leave etc.

But, it's not always the case that mums are all nurturing and the dads less so.

In my own relationship. Dh is way more patient than me, he bakes, does art with them etc. He works shifts so we're around a similar amount. He does a lot of school runs etc always has.

But. As they get older. It's clear it's my attention they want. And, they're my babies. I grew them, and that's a thing.

I feel confused by my pre kids ideas and post kids. Tbh.

To try to make way in a patriarchal society, I think we have missed a trick. But we were always going to. As, patriarchal society. All the gains we have made have been turned against us.

I suppose in this case
Women and children moved from
Property
Through steps that gave us more independence
But seemingly men even more independence?

I think it's time to rethink some stuff. But I don't see how it can work while society is so wonky.

The cherry on the cake is that he has the right to see his kids whenever he wants and do as he pleases with them for the whole weekend after you have gone through all of the hard work of taking care of them all by yourself throughout the weekdays, brilliant!😃

Nowadays there is a lot more shared care of children than there was years ago. I know two couples who divorced, each couple had two children and they shared the care evenly with ex partners. They were quite small children too. It worked well. Of course, as the kids grew older they wanted to do their own thing and choose where they stayed but it was good while they were younger and at school. One 'set' had a holiday every year with mum and dad together (even though they weren't together); the other ones went away with dad and at a different time, with mum and, when she remarried, stepdad. In the latter case there were times when their dad had to go away on business so their mother had them full time for maybe a couple of weeks occasionally but it was very amicable.

I would never have contemplated walking away from my kids when we split up. My love for them is overwhelming at times & my main priority was to be the stable person in their lives during this time of transition.

Yes I am sometimes bitter that my ex had an affair, left & gets to live his bachelor life with all the freedom that gives him but I wouldn’t want that life if it meant I had as little contact with our kids as he does. He’s missing out on so much & I’d hate that

There is no way on earth I would have walked away from my dd when my now ex dh had an affair. Dd was my world. I know it’s a controversial thing to say but I don’t think anyone that has an affair is fit to be a parent, it takes a certain type of selfish, lying shitbag to do it and that doesn’t make for a good parent where the onus has to be on putting someone else’s needs first.

Really interesting thread - when my ex and I split up (no affairs just grew apart) our children were older teens. There was never any doubt that they would live with me an I would be the one to provide them with a safe and secure base to call home until they got one of their own.

Ex was very generous in the divorce settlement but stated "I'm paying for my freedom from being the responsible parent 24/7 so its only fair"., That really shocked me, mainly because it would never occur to me to want 'freedom' from my children! Like a lot of others have said, my children are my world even now they are older. Yes I'm living my own life and doing what I want but they always come first. (Luckily my OH accepts and understands this!)

@Fairylea I agree with you. Sadly my ex is still selfish. Always prioritises him and the OW’s plans before the kids