Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Should I contact OW?

55 replies

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 16:12

So , thanks to FB, found the woman that my DH of 30 years had an online EA with .
She is now married and living outside UK.

So tempted to message and tell her that I know about her and my DH. Seems she must have also cheated on DH ( ha!) . Don't know what I hope to achieve.Probaly just vent , slag her off and at the very least cause her a bit of anxiety. To somehow compensate for all my restless nights thinking about the affair.

So, do I message her or take the higher ground and retain a dignified silence.??

OP posts:

PennyGold · 16/10/2019 16:16

Vent, slag off and cause anxiety to your husband.. you weren't married to the OW.

PatriciaHolm · 16/10/2019 16:18

But you aren't going to cause her any anxiety. She's unlikely to see your message anyway if you aren't FB friends, and if she does all she will think is "gosh, she's a bit bonkers, I can see what he meant..."

Be the bigger person. It isn't going to make you feel any better.

pooopypants · 16/10/2019 16:19

Don't lower yourself. She didn't cheat on you, your husband did. She isn't worth the energy.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2019 16:20

Don't lower yourself by contacting her. Your anger should be directed at your husband, not her.

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2019 16:21

She didn't cheat on you or your husband. She will read it and think no wonder he was looking elsewhere, as his wife is deranged.

Original poster

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 16:26

Yes, I thought that would be the general consensus.
But soo tempted to give her a " have a shit life " note.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2019 16:28

And are you wishing your dear husband has a shit life?

Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 16:31

I would do it- why not? :) Especially as she lives abroad, I can't see much of a downside. :)

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2019 16:31

Are you still with him?

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 16:31

The ow did not cheat on you BUT she didn't say no when Mr married came a knocking.

Women like this should be pitied.
(Dim and available )

Probably should not lower yourself to her level but I do know a couple of ow's - and they were both racked with guilt , had low self esteem and would have been terrified if confronted by the wife.

I had a friend who did confront someone who was chasing her dh. This woman stopped immediately.

Of course if it's all and done they probably isn't much point but I think if you do something wrong there will should be consequences - maybe leave it to karma as that always gets them in the end.

AnotherQuirkyUsername · 16/10/2019 16:31

You won't cause her anxiety. She'll give it a quick eye roll and move on . How shit is your unfaithful husbands life? I hope you've made that really shit.

Seriously , don't lower yourself to that level. If you've decided to stay with him then you really do need to move on.

beachandcocktails · 16/10/2019 16:32

Don't do it - I'd be tempted too but it's a bad idea. Write it and don't send it - send it to a close friend instead or something (obviously explain to them what you're doing first ). Be the bigger person.

Original poster

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 16:34

Yes, I am! And dear H is not what he is.
If I had my way , I would make him leave immediately and never have to deal with him or his problems.
And the nasty vindictive part of me hope that he ends up miserable , alone and living in poverty!!

Not getting over this stuff very well , am I ??

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 16:40

Unfortunately resentment just eats you up.

Do may need ti work with a qualified councillor to work through your feelings, which you have every right ti have but will play havoc with your mental health.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2019 16:42

If I had my way , I would make him leave immediately and never have to deal with him or his problems.

What’s stopping you? Put your energies into resolving that rather than wasting them worrying about her.

Original poster

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 16:48

Robin2323 I think you are right . I know logically that this does me no good.
Anneloves Gilbert Basically , money and family commitment.
But I am working to resolve this. Still has to take time though that I wish I could avoid.

OP posts:

Househunt1 · 16/10/2019 16:54

The only way she would get the anxiety is to threaten that you will tell her husband or if you directly told her husband which is what she deserves but its not fair on him, totally get where youre coming from though! Once that message has been sent it can't be undone and would you regret it for how you have come across even though she totally deserves it!!! Maybe write out what youd want to say and then get rid of it

headinhands · 16/10/2019 16:54

If you are able to have forgiven your dh (who made the promises, not the ow) enough for the relationship to continue why would you care about the woman who made no such promise to you.

I never understand how a woman will forgive their shit of a husband to the point they can share a bed/cuddle etc but they demonise the woman. It's quite clear what's going on but I honestly hope I wouldn't fall into that ruse if dh cheated.

headinhands · 16/10/2019 16:56

If you're feeling this way sounds like you're having a shit life with a shit dh. Get shot of him.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 16/10/2019 16:56

You aren’t going to get anything out of this. If she did it chances are that she doesn’t view it as infidelity so I’m not sure why you think a deranged and controlling (in her view) message from you is going cause her much anxiety. Just move on, make plans to screw over your husband financially if that’s what you want. Just don’t send her a crazy message. I don’t think it will actually make you feel as good as you think it will.

Primrosedot · 16/10/2019 16:57

I posted a similar post a while back and got a lot of responses trying to make me feel like I was being angry at her instead of DH wasn’t the case at all! Don't let anyone make you feel like you can’t be angry and despise her, yes your DH is the one that owed you faith but she has chosen to cause pain and hurt to you. In my case I had contacted her already and made my thoughts on her and her petty life very clear. I was glad to be talked out of contacting her again as it would have made me look crazy. The OW never responded to me, from what I know from DH she would have been shit-scared to get a message from me. But equally she probably doesn’t care one bit.
One piece of advice I had was don’t waste your time thinking about someone who never gives you a thought- I think of that every time I’m awake at 3am sobbing my heart out.
Do what makes you feel better. If you do message her, make it strong, to the point, and not expecting a reply then move on. If she cheated on her DH then I would tell him for sure

Original poster

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 17:06

Yes , I guess she never gives me or even him, a second thought . Seems that cheating and lies comes easy to her .( From what I have gleaned for myself not what he says ).
I know I need to move on and not dwell on this shit
But damn , it is hard !
Will take onboard all the advice against doing it. Needed to gain some perspective.

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 17:10

Like someone said pp about the ow being shit scared of the angry wife this is absolutely true.

They are not strong women by any means - quite self loathing in many ways.

If they had any nuance about them they put the effort into finding a single man.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 16/10/2019 17:47

I was in a similar position years ago, albeit we weren't married and hadn't been together as long, not sure if I'll get flamed for this or not but this is what I did. I contacted her and told her I was aware of the situation and that I was giving her the opportunity to tell her partner first so he didn't have to hear it from a stranger. She read my message and immediately text my partner trying to get him to control me. She's never met me, otherise she'd have known how futile that was. She never responded to me. I took screenshots of all the incriminating conversions. Compiled them into a word doc. with a time line of events and notations for certain things. I.e. when she would message "Don't reply xxxx" that meant her partner was home and she was trying to hide the contact with my partner. I laid it all out clearly and concisely. I then waited. I gave her a year, a bit longer than I would have liked but I prioritised getting my own house in order. She also continued to try and contact my partner, she actually got a little crazy about it but that's another story. I contacted her partner of 4 years, introduced myself and explained what I'd found and here it is if he wants to take a look. He clearly didn't open the document and thought at first I was just lying to cause drama, so my second message to him was something like "Thank you for taking the time to read my message. I wish you the best." It wasn't my responsibility to convince him, if he wanted to be a fool that was his prerogative. At this point he realised I wasn't messing about and we had quite an honest conversation. I felt really sorry for him but he said he had his suspicions and this confirmed it. They stayed together for another year trying to work it out, during which she persisted in trying to contact my partner. Her partner also tried to get cosy with me, messaging me without purpose and asking me out for drinks etc. 🙄 I was 18 but nowhere near that naïve. I ignored him and my partner ignored her. This was all about 5/6 years ago. They broke up, he's now with someone else and has a son. She's still single. I'm still with my partner whom I'm happy to report has matured significantly and has redeemed himself. I look back with pride on how I handled it mostly because I didn't insult her or lower myself. I wanted to, but I also wanted it to be clear as day to her that I'm the better woman. She was a pathetic mess through out, begging and at one point threatening me with violence. Again, she'd not met me as otherwise I don't think all 5"2 of her would have challenged 5"10 me to a fight. I thought it was laughable and never took it seriously. I never lost composure, at least not with her, my partner wasn't so lucky as he rightly deserved. All her nonsense came through my partner, she never had the courage to talk to me directly. I only messaged her that one time with what my friends described as "The politest declaration of war they'd ever read" 😂 I'm proud of how I didn't, not once, disrespect her. In all honesty I think that's probably why she was scared of me.

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 18:29

@NarcolepticOuchMouse
Actually I admire what you did.
And like I said earlier these ow are very weak and are usually riddled with guilt and issues.

Who knows , your very strong woman response, will maybe make her think twice about dallying with another woman s man.

If you stand up to people they do think twice before messing with you.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread