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Original poster

Should I contact OW?

55 replies

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 16:12

So , thanks to FB, found the woman that my DH of 30 years had an online EA with .
She is now married and living outside UK.

So tempted to message and tell her that I know about her and my DH. Seems she must have also cheated on DH ( ha!) . Don't know what I hope to achieve.Probaly just vent , slag her off and at the very least cause her a bit of anxiety. To somehow compensate for all my restless nights thinking about the affair.

So, do I message her or take the higher ground and retain a dignified silence.??

OP posts:
NarcolepticOuchMouse · 16/10/2019 18:58

@Robin2323 Thank you, and I think you're right. I got the impression she was desperate for male attention because she had self esteem issues. I actually felt more sorry for her than anything else and remember thinking that if it weren't so close to home for me I'd want to help her.

My partner and her are a few years older than me and the way she spoke about me to my partner made me think she'd mistaken me for a little girl. It's only a 4 year age gap Confused The woman definitely had problems.

zsazsajuju · 16/10/2019 21:22

I think it’s a hopeless generalisation that OW are weak or bad people or whatever. It’s not great to cheat but lots of people do it for lots of different reasons. @NarcolepticOuchMouse - your story seems like you were trying to win your cheating dp from another woman like he was a prize. When you say you are only 18, why not make a new relationship with someone who hasn’t cheated? You have your whole life ahead of you.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/10/2019 21:29

Do you know everything or have any unanswered questions? If so I think I would have to try and contact her. If you're pretty sure there is nothing more too it than you already know then I'm not sure what there would be to achieve.

LanternLighter · 16/10/2019 21:31

I’m with you, I wanted to give OW a piece of my mind so badly, I hate her more than ex.
You will come across as crazy though and she’ll only use it to justify why he had an affair.
Remain dignified, you are in a completely different league to that pair of toss pots.
I will not acknowledge her now and never plan to, she’s a doesn’t deserve a second of my time.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/10/2019 21:37

I'd be more inclined to tell her DH (assuming she had one at the time of the affair)

bakesalesally · 16/10/2019 21:59

As hard as it is, rant here and not to her.

Your DH is a dick.

Original poster
Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 22:48

Told DH a few things I discovered about her.Just to be nasty in case he held some illusions about any loyalty or devotion to him.
Asked what did he think of me messaging her ? He said " What would be the point ".?
I guess my plan would backfire if the OW got into some kind of contact when all I really want is for it all to have never happened.Sad

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 17/10/2019 01:26

Yes ultimately you don't wanted to give her anymore head space than necessary.

It's over
Move on.

Robin2323 · 17/10/2019 01:27

Yes ultimately you don't wanted to give her anymore head space than necessary.

It's over
Move on.

Robin2323 · 17/10/2019 01:32

Ow usually are weak with low self esteem.

I don't think anyone one wants to be 'dating' a married man

He can offer so little that a strong woman wouldn't put up with it - not to mention that a strong woman wouldn't hurt someone else for self gratification.
She'd get off her back side and find a man if her own.

lexiepuppy · 17/10/2019 01:52

My ex narc husband was having affairs throughout our 18 year marriage. He literally moved onto new supply within days of us parting.
The OW he is with has a reputation as a bunny boiler. She has been married 3 times and uproots her children and moves in with the men and marries them, she is a notorious golddigger.
My ex would always comment to me about how pretty she is and why was she with her short, bald millionaire husband!
I really wanted to contact her at the beginning and ask how could she live with herself breaking up a marriage, but the jokes on her as he's a narcissist, mind you I think he's met his match!
She is definitely not wired right! Literally everyone calls her a bunny boiler and I would love to know why! A friend did tell me that when she was dealing with a client from her business she was really difficult, hormonal and high maintenance to deal with.
Hope fully the ex will wake up one morning with his testicles boiling in a pot.GrinWink

minesagin37 · 17/10/2019 02:04

It sounds like you are denying tackling the real problem- him by tackling the side issue - her. If he's cheated then he will do it again. Are you going to keep hassling the women each time? He's the one who made vows to you. Not her!

Robin2323 · 17/10/2019 02:25

People don't always cheat again.
As long as the underlying issues have been tackled.

Ow never made the vow but shouldn't stop them being decent human being- harass away.

Original poster
Stillfunny · 17/10/2019 04:18

Not hassling as such. But would love to think that she would at least get a shock. And maybe have an uncomfortable time for awhile.
Intellectually, I know it is puerile. But I can dream ?! At that is what
MN is for .. a safe place to vent .

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 17/10/2019 08:03

@Stillfunny I told my ex husband that if I saw her around, that i would tell her what i thought of her (politely....of courseWink).

But they have set up home 250 miles away as everyone hates him.

I find it maddening that she has trained as a spiritual Life Coach and tells everyone she is living her best life and found her soul mate. She has ruined lives and marriages 3 times over! She is totally delusional, and so is he!

If I magically bumped into her I would say how I feel.
But everyone tells me she did me a favour because he was a horrible, abusive man and now he is her problem.

TBH I am struggling with the fact that i have never been loved, not by my parents and definitely not by him.
After the Court stuff is over, I can't decide whether to go in all guns blazing with them both, or just remain classy and carry on the No Contact! Decisions, decisions!

I hate the fact that she is counselling/coaching people and telling about her wonderful life, when she has literally wrecked 3 marriages. What delusional worlds do they live in.....

Beware of the bunny boilers!

NameChangeNugget · 17/10/2019 08:44

She won’t give a flying fuck about what you have to say.

You know who you need to be angry with

batvixen123 · 17/10/2019 08:57

Honestly, no one here can tell you what the OW will do. OW are made up of all sorts, as all of humanity is.

She might be shit scared of you.
She might not think EA is even a real thing and roll her eyes and tell her friends how mad you are and how sorry she feels for your DH.
She might forward the whole conversation to your DH and say "did you know your wife says this about you"
She might quite like feeling that she's important.
She might feel like shit and want apologise.
She might stare at it blankly and not have a clue what you're on about if she doesn't think she and your H breached any rules.

From what I've seen though, the odds are that any response won't make you feel better because the issue isn't really with her. It's your husband.

Greyhound22 · 17/10/2019 09:35

Online EA? So they never actually met?

Original poster
Stillfunny · 17/10/2019 10:29

OW was someone he used to know,living abroad now. Met up twice according to him. I think that it scared him as he thought that would never happen. But he did it anyway.
Like so many other women in my position, it is the deception and emotional aspect that hurts so deeply.

And I know she probably wouldn't give a flying fuck about me. She knew he was married and didn't care.

OP posts:
Notallitseemstobe · 17/10/2019 10:34

And like I said earlier these ow are very weak and are usually riddled with guilt and issues.

Oh ffs....

Or your husband found what he wanted and needed from another woman.

Married women are very happy to date married men, no issues or weakness required. And no guilt.

It may be fun and cathartic to demonise the other woman but your husband chose someone else over you. It's on him and your relationship.

Original poster
Stillfunny · 17/10/2019 11:07

Absolutely .I know it it's all on him.

OP posts:
headinhands · 17/10/2019 11:48

Don't let anyone make you feel like you can’t be angry and despise her,

But how can someone despise one person while having a relationship with another when, not that they've both let you down, but the one who owed you less is judged harsher. Unless you're also now friendly with the ow to the point you're cuddling regularly?

headinhands · 17/10/2019 11:52

She knew he was married and didn't care

He knew he was married too. You are busy despising her yet you're able to share a life/home/bed with him now? When are you planning on having an equally forgiving relationship with ow?

headinhands · 17/10/2019 12:02

when all I really want is for it all to have never happened.

Did they have sex?

MashedSpud · 17/10/2019 12:09

You have every right to do what you feel. If you think it will help you recover then go for it.

The ow isn’t innocent unless she didn’t know he was in a relationship at all. Your H and the ow are both to blame, regardless of who took vows.

I never got with a married man when I was single. We have a choice who we open our legs for.