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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Discovered affair

94 replies

Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 16:06

First time poster looking for support. I discovered by accident this week that my husband has been cheating on me for about 18 months. He confessed when I asked him about a hotel booking I’d found in his name.

He says he has broken it off - claims he did it the day afterwards - and that he wants us to remain together. Is suggesting couples counselling but is trying to schedule this for times which would be easy for him to attend without raising any eyebrows but would mean I’d have to leave work early each session. Didn’t consult me about what time of day would work for me, didn’t show me the text he says he sent breaking it off with the other woman.

I’m all over the shop. Have had to take a few days off work as I’m just floored by the whole thing and keep bursting into tears.

Not sure what advice I need or want but have no one in real life to talk to about this and no idea what I want to do - stay or leave. Financially I think we’d be able to make things work but I have 3 kids with my husband but no family who would support me through this emotionally and a demanding job. Until Monday I’d have said my husband was my life partner and best friend and I just want to wind the clock back and for this not to have happened.

He’s weeping and claiming to feel guilty and ashamed - but that’s how he feels because he was caught not how he was feeling when he came home on Monday night to discover his secret was out. And are his tears because he’s had to break with her (if he even has actually done that?)

So far all I’ve managed to do is have a check up at SH clinic to make sure he hasn’t passed anything horrible on to me. What else do I need to be doing or thinking about?

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 19/10/2019 14:33

His affair is bad enough without him trying to deflect it onto you and your son. What a massive tosser.
Chuck him out for a bit, say he's gone on a training course. I wouldn't get past this and don't think any self respecting person should either - but appreciate it's easy to say that when not in that position.
But please do get some time and space.
And, sorry OP that this has happened.
Keep your evidence safe if you to decide to ditch him.

Hidingtonothing · 19/10/2019 15:10

I would basically take this time to wallow, watch mindless tv, sleep a lot and put absolutely no pressure on yourself to make any decisions or even think about it all if you can help it. You've had a massive shock and you need time to recover before you even think about next steps

historysock · 19/10/2019 17:10

Fine to just hibernate for a bit. That's what the body wants to do when there has been a shock. Listen to it.
I found soup and ice cream or lollies to be easily digestible and all I could manage...couldn't stomach anything else for a while.

pennyhasdropped · 19/10/2019 17:14

Have a nice soak in the bath, face pack and cheese and wine night alone. Watch TV box set and take some time out for yourself for once! Food was hard for me to, everything tasted like cardboard - goodness knows why but the after effect was a size 8 so not all bad.

Think about what you want next, do you want him to return to the family home or just drop off your son and book into a b&b for now? Also see if a friend is available to come and sit with you if your up to it, if only for a shoulder to cry on. Hugs xx

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 17:22

It's interesting that he had STD tests throughout that affair, OP. Do you think he or she slept with someone else as well?

ScreamingLadySutch · 19/10/2019 17:28

Has he been more or less kind to you in the last 2 years?

I think that is the most important thing. Did he abuse you (comparing him to Ms Wonderful/blaming you to justify it) or was he on the whole still the same person.

ScreamingLadySutch · 19/10/2019 17:29

Also, he needs to schedule counselling - FOR HIM.

With a therapist who will call him on his BS.

Original poster

Katrinawaves · 19/10/2019 17:54

@HollowTalk I don’t think he did have STD checks? We had IVF for our children so we both needed to do them before that but that was 10 years ago. I don’t think he’s had any since then until yesterday.

@screaminglordsutch he hasn’t been unkind to me during the affair. He’s been a bit distant but otherwise much the same as normal. I put that down to the fact he was made redundant last year and hates his new job and so the last few years have been stressful for him. He has contacted a counsellor now and is waiting for an appointment slot.

I’ve just booked a massage for this evening and then plan an early night. Will probably take something to help me sleep too.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 18:17

I'm so sorry, I read something too quickly above and thought he'd been tested.

Have to say he's a massively cheeky fucker to expect you to put yourself out for counselling, while keeping it easy for himself.

I would go to counselling along, tbh.

Interestedwoman · 19/10/2019 18:56

'He looks terrible - he’s very pale and clearly hasn’t slept well for days.'

Please don't feel sorry for him! This is all on him. He's not the innocent victim- you are. xxx

aweedropofsancerre · 19/10/2019 20:04

Interestedwoman totally agree.

Poor man being caught by his wife and not coping with the after math. Can’t believe you let him head off with your DC whilst your trying to get your head round this? So he hangs out with his kid distracting himself from what he has done and your left on your own..... under the bizarre notion he is giving you some space?

Bouledeneige · 19/10/2019 21:08

Im so sorry OP. I went through something similar. It's absolutely awful. You are in the midst of such betrayal and hurt and grief. Which he chose to do to you.

You need to take control now. It's up to you - if you go for counselling then it's set up to suit you at the best time for you, whether you tell the kids, up to you.

The first thing he needs to do is show you all the communications - including the one he apparently sent to her to end it. He should be looking and feeling shit - it is nothing to what he's put you through. Every single time he saw her and slept with her and made excuses about why it didn't matter to be unfaithful, lied to you about where he was - that was what he chose to do. To you and your family.

So get hard and get angry. Hold his feet to the fire. Can he do enough to prove he is worth keeping? Will he do enough to say sorry, to prove his honesty and prove he's worth it? Only time will tell. And you get to decide - not him. And think hard about it - counselling will help and remember that it's there to help you make the decision about whether your relationship has a future. By going it's not you agreeing to stay together. It's to choose the future you want.

I know you will feel dreadful right now. I promise one day this will get better - you will wake up and it won't be the first thing that hits you in the gut. You will notice the sunshine, laugh with your friends, enjoy new adventures. But only time will help. So accept and embrace the hurt and pain - cry and get angry. This isn't forever.

Faith50 · 19/10/2019 21:20

Boule excellent response. The gut wrenching pain goes but when you are in the midst of it you are really not convinced of this. I remember going for a coffee with a friend and not being present the whole time. I nodded and fake smiled but was totally consumed with my pain.

I can honestly say it is not first thing on my mind in morning and last thing on my mind at night. In the early days feeling the pain, acknowledging the pain me move on. I had to go through the motions like you will have to. I considered taking anti depressants and decided against it. I did not want to suppress any pain/feeelings/emotions and then have to deal with them a year or two later when I stopped medication.

Dh and I communicate better than ever. I occasionally feel sad that

Faith50 · 19/10/2019 21:20

I had to deal with this in my marriage.

Original poster

Katrinawaves · 19/10/2019 22:52

It’s a big old club isn’t it which no one wants to join.

I’ve just spent a couple of hours going through his credit card statements. Can see it started in Feb 2018 and he booked hotels 9 times since then. He said he’d slept with her only about 10 times in total so that’s consistent. Also spent a lot on what I assume were her Christmas and birthday presents £250 for Christmas and £120 on what I assume was her birthday.

Not sure this takes me any further forward other than to give a bench mark to see if he lies to me about any of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Katrinawaves · 19/10/2019 22:52

*only was his words not mine!

OP posts:

pennyhasdropped · 20/10/2019 07:50

It certainly is a big club! Up until my discovery I was the smug delusional wife.. now I'm a harsh realist sadly.

Take copies of everything, not saying you'll need them necessarily but good to have in case you ever do.

I spent months digging sh*t up, it was like finding pieces of a lost jigsaw. I think what hit me most was the extent of the lies he'd told me.. hence me never being able to trust again!

Have you thought anymore about what you want to do next?

Blueoasis · 20/10/2019 07:52

Ugh what a sickening twat he is. An 18 month affair, blames his own fucking children, buys the easy cow presents for Christmas and birthday. I don't know how you are managing to remain not angry, I'm raging on your behalf.

I wouldn't let him back for the blaming his own children part alone. The rest is just 'extras' on top of how much of a selfish coward he is. But that is truly unforgiveable, how dare he blame his own children. Maybe if he actually kept his dick in his pants and tried stepping up and being a parent, he would have a good relationship with them too. But no no, that's too difficult, so off he goes to just shag someone else. Far easier.

Honestly, I would tell her husband too. I would take copies of the receipts and give them to him in person, plus copies of when they stayed in hotels together. He deserves to know so that he can decide if he wants a cheater for a wife or not. No one deserves to be forced to stay in a relationship with someone who can treat them with so little respect.

If you do want to eventually do counselling though, make it at a time that is awkward for him. Do nothing to make it convenient for him, he can crawl over hot coals to make this work.

BoomyBooms · 20/10/2019 08:07

What @NewFoneWhoDis has said is excellent advice imo. However had to comment because of the cheek of this push for couples counseling. Where was the couple's counseling 18 months ago when he realised he was tempted to cheat??

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