Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered affair

94 replies

Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 16:06

First time poster looking for support. I discovered by accident this week that my husband has been cheating on me for about 18 months. He confessed when I asked him about a hotel booking I’d found in his name.

He says he has broken it off - claims he did it the day afterwards - and that he wants us to remain together. Is suggesting couples counselling but is trying to schedule this for times which would be easy for him to attend without raising any eyebrows but would mean I’d have to leave work early each session. Didn’t consult me about what time of day would work for me, didn’t show me the text he says he sent breaking it off with the other woman.

I’m all over the shop. Have had to take a few days off work as I’m just floored by the whole thing and keep bursting into tears.

Not sure what advice I need or want but have no one in real life to talk to about this and no idea what I want to do - stay or leave. Financially I think we’d be able to make things work but I have 3 kids with my husband but no family who would support me through this emotionally and a demanding job. Until Monday I’d have said my husband was my life partner and best friend and I just want to wind the clock back and for this not to have happened.

He’s weeping and claiming to feel guilty and ashamed - but that’s how he feels because he was caught not how he was feeling when he came home on Monday night to discover his secret was out. And are his tears because he’s had to break with her (if he even has actually done that?)

So far all I’ve managed to do is have a check up at SH clinic to make sure he hasn’t passed anything horrible on to me. What else do I need to be doing or thinking about?

OP posts:
Fookadook · 16/10/2019 17:13

Be wary that counselling could just be a way of him trying to blame you.

mamato3lads · 16/10/2019 17:13

Couples counselling will never erase the fact that he did this. I couldn't forgive even if I wanted to. So sorry OP xxx

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 17:15

I don’t have close family unfortunately. He was it. Apart from the kids who I am trying to protect. I had a sister I was close to but she died 2 years ago and I am NC with surviving parent and brother for good reason.

Most of our friends I think are more my friends than his but the dynamic changes sometimes as a separated person/Singleton so my social life would probably disintegrate along with my marriage

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 16/10/2019 18:13

@Katrinawaves you can control the future, your marriage has already disintegrated, staying doesn’t always fix it. It’s changed forever whatever you do.

There’s plenty of single women out there who don’t have any family or close friends who still manage it.

Ps- it’s his loss, you sound lovely!

Windmillwhirl · 16/10/2019 18:40

I agree you sound lovely. Please don't take on any blame. This has been a long-standing premeditated affair. And what, now in being caught he's realised what he stands to lose? I don't buy it at all.

Go for your own counselling. Get yourself strong and your head clear and take it from there.

You didn't deserve this x

mendingheart · 16/10/2019 18:47

I was in exactly your shoes about 18 months ago.

A few things I learned:

  • Please take space. I had this panic - I needed to rush. Sort it out. Do not rush. Please kick him out for more than a week. A mistake I made. If he wants to be there - he'll be back. You'll get the space you need. There is no rush. He'll either realize or not - the more you can give him a glimpse of your life without you - the better. He needs to suffer now like you have.
  • You can recover.
  • Do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. The affair started as 3 dinners/2 trains I discovered but ended up being 8 months of hotel rooms, gifts etc. They will tell lie after lie to not seem so bad.
  • Do not rush anything. Keep yourself as calm as possible. Your life is not over - with or without him. Now, you get to find yourself again without him. There is something you'll find rewarding about knowing what pain you can endure and also overcome. Hang on to this feeling at your lowest and start the climb back up.

If you want - DM me. I truly understand what incredible pain you are going through like it was yesterday. It never truly goes away - but you become stronger and move on.

Be as strong as you can. Seek as much calm as you can. Do not rush. Be vigilant. Do not believe ANYTHING you HEAR only what you SEE with proof. You are strong and will make it through this.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 19:58

I asked him to let me see the text ending it but “he had deleted it”. He ended up calling her on speakerphone to confirm they’d broken up and blocking her numbers on his phone. Presumably though he could just unblock them at any time so that’s not much comfort

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 16/10/2019 20:25

Friend of mines partner had an affair n she contacted the woman to try get a more honest answer but it later turned out that he had contacted the women too - and told her what to say. Might be a case of that here. She maybe knew about you afterall.

Either way, whether he has called it off or not or slept with her or not - he intended to. On several occasions. So what does it really matter if it is over now? And if you feel that he may unblock her, then I think your gut is already telling you he usbt remorseful... And exactly what kind of man he is.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 20:32

Oh she knew about me. They are both married and apparently both had the conversation right at the outset that neither intended to leave their partners.

I just looked her up on Facebook and her husband looks very like mine...

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/10/2019 21:08

Has she told her husband. Do you think he might deserve to know too?

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 21:14

No idea. She said very little on the phone call. And I’m not going to throw this grenade into his life - he doesn’t deserve that even if she does!

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/10/2019 21:20

Hi OP

I'm sorry this has happened.

What jumps out at me is that -

It wasnt a one off mistake it was a calculated decision (having the talk about not leaving partners shows quite a lot of planning and control)

The comment about you and your son is odd. Has he mentioned this before? I guess it's hard for us to judge without knowing all the details (eg if a lot of your joint money is subsidising your adult son or you both sleep on a sofa bed so he can have the main room he may have a point) but, it's difficult to see a situation where sticking his dick in someone else would help your family dynamic

Him booking counselling at a time that is convenient to him and not you just seems a very odd power dynamic. Without you agreeing to it, it seems like he is pushing you into it. It's kind of arrogant in a situation where most people would be grovelling

A bit of space definitely sounds good. As does individual counselling.

LanternLighter · 16/10/2019 21:21

I’m nearly a year into finding out about an affair and separating. My advice:

Try to say calm. I absolutely went off on one and kicked him straight out. There’s lots of things now I wish I had had out with him, lots of unanswered questions. So make time to talk it all through.

Although don’t believe everything he tells you. Now you know, he will do anything to come off better. Mine went from, “we kissed on the cheek” “we kissed on the lips” “we had sex once” “we’ve been sleeping together for months”.

Please if you possibly can, don’t leave. It could be used against you in a divorce, be seen as abandoning the family home. I think it’s a good idea to get him to leave to give you space, but please, you stay in the family home.
Sending huge hugs Flowers

Figgygal · 16/10/2019 21:24

Honestly his stuff would already be out on the street

18 months
Inadequate because you and your children have a good relationship honestly what self serving nonsense

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 21:25

I’ve just had a conversation with him and suggested that he gets somewhere close by so that DS and I can stay in family home but he will stay over in our house when I’m travelling. That may be the way to go forward.

Everyone has been so supportive on this thread - can’t tell you how much this is helping. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
Faith50 · 16/10/2019 21:37

I am so sorry op. The pain of betrayal is truly awful. You believe you will not survive it but you do. Step by step, day by day.

18 months is a long time to cheat on your spouse. Your dh would still be cheating if you had not caught him out. Why is he running ahead to book counselling? You need time to cry, to scream, to ask question upon question, to think about what YOU want. This is now about YOU. You have a choice - please do not forget this. Flowers

bakesalesally · 16/10/2019 22:07

Courage.

notapizzaeater · 16/10/2019 23:29

You have a choice here, just like he had a choice to have an affair. If it was going on for 18 months he'd made the choice again and again whilst lying to you,

pennyhasdropped · 17/10/2019 06:34

@Katrinawaves you really do have my sincerest sympathy. Honestly if I could go back to the day I found out.. I'd have asked him to leave and never look back. Just like you've described friends and family all think my H is a wonderful caring man!! It sickens me.

I hope you managed to get some sleep, I think him getting a place close by is a good option but make him understand he's not popping in when it suits him.

historysock · 17/10/2019 06:43

Lots of love OP. These are the hard yards now.
The most difficult thing is to Stop yourself from thinking about what's best for 'us'-us being you and him and what's actually best for you. Because it's you you need to put first in your thinking now-the way he has been for himself for 18 months.

It's definitely best he move out for a while. As pp have said, he's had 18 months to think about this, get his head around it, make decisions about it. To him it might be done and dusted-his thought process will be "bit of counselling and then pack it away in a box labelled 'don't ever mention it again'". You've had a week and no control over any of it. And the betrayed person naturally finds it harder to pack things away like that,especially when there are so many unanswered questions for you.
If you have to tell your 19 year old the truth then so be it.He's an adult and although unpleasant, he will be able to handle it. There is no reason that you should have to start lying to your kid on your H's behalf on top of everything else. It's not about whose on whose side, it's about the reality of the situation.

Remember to eat, try to sleep, see your GP if the anxiety continues. Treat yourself physically as you would if you were ill. You've had a big shock here and you must be kind to yourself .

Monty27 · 17/10/2019 06:57

He doesn't deserve airspace. Tell your DS and kick dh out

wishywashy6 · 17/10/2019 08:21

Men are great at weeping, snivelling and appearing sorry when they get caught out. He basically thought he could have his cake and eat it, then when reality has hit and he's realised he's been found out he's turned on the tears
Give yourself some time to get things in order, don't make hasty decisions BUT take some control and don't let him dictate how it goes from now.
I certainly couldn't stay with him after this, a relationship with no trust is worse than no relationship IMO

NewFoneWhoDis · 17/10/2019 12:10

He had 18 months of lies and deception. That's 18 months of coming home and lying about his day. 18 months of telling you lies about where he stayed on X night. Buying you an eternity ring in the middle of it. Lying to your face. And still lying - only admitting and dumping her when caught, deleting the texts between them. Making a big show of dumping her on a call and blocking her number. Whoop de do. They are empty gestures designed to get you back into Devoted Wifey mode as soon as possible so they can resume where they left off. I can tell you now that in a month or two he'll be getting fed up that you aren't over it and back to 'normal'.

You are entitled to at least 18 months to figure out what you want and where you want to take the remains of this marriage from this point, if you do at all.

pusspuss9 · 17/10/2019 14:30

@Katrinawaves

It's as much her fault as his. She knew he was married and had been for many years and that she (the OW) had all the advantages over the OP. She is just as much to blame as he. They are both shits.

pusspuss9 · 17/10/2019 14:30

above not directed at Katrina _ I screwed up there!