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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered affair

94 replies

Katrinawaves · 16/10/2019 16:06

First time poster looking for support. I discovered by accident this week that my husband has been cheating on me for about 18 months. He confessed when I asked him about a hotel booking I’d found in his name.

He says he has broken it off - claims he did it the day afterwards - and that he wants us to remain together. Is suggesting couples counselling but is trying to schedule this for times which would be easy for him to attend without raising any eyebrows but would mean I’d have to leave work early each session. Didn’t consult me about what time of day would work for me, didn’t show me the text he says he sent breaking it off with the other woman.

I’m all over the shop. Have had to take a few days off work as I’m just floored by the whole thing and keep bursting into tears.

Not sure what advice I need or want but have no one in real life to talk to about this and no idea what I want to do - stay or leave. Financially I think we’d be able to make things work but I have 3 kids with my husband but no family who would support me through this emotionally and a demanding job. Until Monday I’d have said my husband was my life partner and best friend and I just want to wind the clock back and for this not to have happened.

He’s weeping and claiming to feel guilty and ashamed - but that’s how he feels because he was caught not how he was feeling when he came home on Monday night to discover his secret was out. And are his tears because he’s had to break with her (if he even has actually done that?)

So far all I’ve managed to do is have a check up at SH clinic to make sure he hasn’t passed anything horrible on to me. What else do I need to be doing or thinking about?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 17/10/2019 14:31

I've had a few friends who've been cheated on. NOT ONE PERSON thinks badly of them or is laughing at them or in any way anything other than supportive and worried about them.

Please don't worry about your boss finding out and spreading the news. You may find you get more support that way. This is all on your 'D'H, he is the cheating shagger, you are the blameless wife at home.

Hidingtonothing · 17/10/2019 15:21

It's odd isn't it the way so many of us see being cheated on as our shame, some reflection on us when it's actually 100% a reflection on the cheater. They choose to commit to a marriage or monogamous relationship and then fail to deliver on that commitment and yet we feel like the failures, makes no sense when you think about it.

PP's are spot on, you have to focus entirely on what's right for you now OP, he stopped thinking in 'we' terms 18 months ago so you don't owe him any degree of loyalty at this point. Tell people, get some support, any shame is entirely his Flowers

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/10/2019 16:28

Still having a really up and down time. I just found that the last text on my phone which he sent was sent when he was with her. He asked me to keep a meal back for him as he would be late home. For whatever reason this feels like the straw which has broken the camels back.

OP posts:
historysock · 17/10/2019 16:55

Well it's because it very starkly illustrates how duplicitous he has been. It's very hard when you start thinking back on conversations and events and realise what was actually going on that you were unaware of. Try not to over analyse those things. It's very hard not to I know. But that will get to you if you start doing that too much.

ChristmasFluff · 17/10/2019 17:30

I think absolutely analyse what he was doing and when, all the lies he told, all the times he betrayed you; a whole 18 months worth of deception, play-acting and fabrication.

This is who he is. The real person he is. A person who can do that to someone he says he loves. He was never overcome by the guilt that would cripple a person with any moral compass.

If you choose to stay, that is who you are choosing.

SusieOwl4 · 17/10/2019 17:42

that is so calculating - and to agree that neither of them would leave their partners ? Is that supposed to make it better ? It shows disregard for you and your opinions - and yet he was willing to take that risk . Try to have some time apart - if you don't feel like telling everyone then just say you are having a bad patch in your marriage and need some time on your own - trust me I think you will be feeling the anger soon and will realise no one is going to judge you. If it affects the children you will be there for them . this is again a risk he was willing to take . So sorry you are going through this .

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/10/2019 18:31

He’s upstairs packing his bags now and I feel distraught. Not sure how to keep the game face for our 10 year old

OP posts:
weeblefeet · 17/10/2019 18:37

I would tell her husband

pennyhasdropped · 17/10/2019 19:08

@Katrinawaves keep strong, let him pack and focus on you and your son for now. The text message must have been a knife in the wound, prepare for more of those I'm afraid to say! But remember this, none of this is your doing, he chose to do this to his wife and his family. Hugs xx

FinnBalorsAbs · 17/10/2019 19:20

Take it one step at a time. Just get through to 10YO's bedtime for now and do whatever you need to get there. Then try and sleep (I know, but try) and start again in the morning. Baby steps. You can do this.

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 17/10/2019 21:26

SH results are starting to come in and the Herpes result for HSV 1 has been reported as equivocal. Does anyone know what that is likely to mean? I would have been tested during all my pregnancies and have always been previously negative.

OP posts:
Pastryapronsucks · 17/10/2019 21:50

Don't rush into couples counseling, my partner booked us in the week I found out, a few weeks in and the councilor wanted the infidelity to be put away and for us to be working towards moving on. I wasn't ready, I was still grieving what I thought I had, hell I hadn't even got the full truth out of him at that point.

I think getting space is a very good idea, keep strong💪

Minionmomma · 17/10/2019 22:01

OP equivocal means tests results unclear. You may need to retest xx it could be a false neg or pos xxx

Yellowraysofsunshine · 17/10/2019 22:24

I’m sorry this is happening to you.
It’s not your fault and you didn’t deserve it.
18 months is a lot of lying.
I divorced after 23 yrs.
I remember that awful discovery, all that confusion and upset.
Initially I wanted everything to go back to how it was before.
But I couldn’t get over it. I tried for 2.5 yrs.
Every happy moment after was tainted.
Trust was gone. I had counselling and then it was clear.
It was really sad. We both cried when we told our teenage children, when we signed our divorce papers and again when I helped him move out. He regrets it every day.
Only you know your line in the sand and you will arrive at your own decision.
I bought a pair of trainers and started running, got fit, got highlights, got Botox, got a new wardrobe, got a sexy lover, got a full time job earning 4 times my ex-Husband’s salary. It still saddens me though.
You will be ok in time xxxx

pennyhasdropped · 17/10/2019 23:02

@Yellowraysofsunshine you give me hope at least! Go you 🙌

Greenkit · 17/10/2019 23:33

Good get him out of there, for a bit or forever, your choice

AngelzEye · 18/10/2019 02:35

Dont worry too much about HSV 1 it is the cold sore virus. At least 48% of the population is infected with it by adulthood and it is not exclusively an STD. It is possible to catch HSV 1 around the genital region if you haven't any prior immunity elsewhere in the body but is rare...

HSV-2 is the strain most commonly associated with genital herpes.

AngelzEye · 18/10/2019 02:38

Also screening for HSV-1 is not routinely carried out during pregnancy as far as I'm aware. Screening for bloodborne STDs and bacterial infections are however.

pennyhasdropped · 18/10/2019 13:51

How you doing today OP been thinking of you x

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 18/10/2019 14:07

So far today I’m feeling a bit calmer thanks @pennyhasdropped. I met my friend this morning and told her what was happening and she was very supportive. I also spoke to a counsellor briefly by phone last night and have an appointment on Monday.

I’ve decided to take next week off work to try to calm down a bit before I have to face colleagues. I can see in the mirror I look a fright - pale as a sheet and red eyed - and I don’t think the make up has been invented which would disguise that!

I ended up letting him stay last night. When I spoke to the counsellor she was worried I think and asked me if I would feel able to phone him to come back if I wasn’t coping well. I realised that having him in the house was the lesser of two evils for the time being.

He’s trotted off to the STD clinic this morning - results back Monday.

OP posts:
pennyhasdropped · 18/10/2019 14:29

Pleased to hear you have reached out to a friend for support in real life, it's good to have someone who knows what's going on if only to listen to you rant. Also taking steps to speak to a counsellor is a good start, personally I found that very hard and also made everything very real. She was so right when she warned me there was more to come - two months later I was dished yet another bigger blow!

Is he leaving today? Having that distance will make you feel better I'm sure. A week off work sounds like a good plan, you can perfect the poker face and practice make-up techniques 😘

Original poster
Katrinawaves · 19/10/2019 13:56

So he’s gone for the weekend and taken my little one with him so I can have some space. He looks terrible - he’s very pale and clearly hasn’t slept well for days.

House feels very quiet and lonely and I’m not sure what to do with myself. Today I’m just feeling exhausted and miserable and lacking motivation to do more than drink endless cups of tea.

I’m finding food hard - I’m trying to eat regularly and pick healthy choices but have no appetite and feel sick after a few bites. I’ve dropped a dress size just since Monday. Not quite ready for the highlights and sexy new lover like the PP who turned her life around so amazingly though.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 19/10/2019 14:02

There's no excuse for an affair other than greed. I call bullshit, trying to turn it round on you - what an awful, disgusting human being. He'll do it again, which no doubt will be your fault again. 🙄 I'd play happy families for a few more years for the sake of your younger ones or I'd leave at the expense of my children's happiness.

Powerplant · 19/10/2019 14:22

I m so sorry this has happened to you, I ve been there unfortunately. Just take one day at a time and yes try to eat. Don’t make any plans yet and don’t be forced into doing anything by him. It’s up to you and your decisions only but take all the time you need and you will be ok💐

EssentialHummus · 19/10/2019 14:24

OP I've nothing substantive to add but thinking of you and wishing you well. Counselling therapy for you (rather than the both of you) absolutely worthwhile.