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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Last chance saloon

60 replies

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 12:18

Hi everyone
I have posted before but I'm at my wits end today
Have been dating a guy since August and things were going well or so I thought
He had mentioned he wanted to be girlfriend and boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and I said I wanted us to date for a bit longer as I felt he hadn't been as consistent as in the beginning
He said he was fine with this and has since said that he took a big knock when I said that.

He has been hurt in the past as have I and yesterday after him cancelling our plans to spend Sunday together he has sent me a message saying he thinks we both have unresolved issues from past relationships that he is gutted but doesn't want to continue things

Im reeling and thought that dating someone for 2/3 months is still just getting to know each other and feel like there's something else going on

Do I contact him one last time or just leave him alone?

His last message said I hope you find someone, take care 🤨

We had a chat on Friday night and cleared the air and within 48 hours he has ended it

My brain is fried

OP posts:

bigchris · 15/10/2019 12:25

Ok bit confused here

How old are you both ?

I'm 45 and the days of asking to be boyfriend and girlfriend are lomg behind me

Why did you say no when he asked you , sounds like you had cold feet and he thought you'd hurt him down the line or were keeping your options open ? At this point he probably carried on dating with other people and maybe now someone wants to commit more than you do?

CousinKrispy · 15/10/2019 12:29

If he's saying goodbye (hope you find someone, take care) I'd respect that and let him go.

What do you mean by "not consistent" in the beginning?

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 12:34

Sorry
We are both mid 30s

He was really keen in the beginning and then seemed to change a few weeks ago

We had planned to go away next month for a few days together so I wasn't pushing him away

He said he felt like I wanted all the parts of a boyfriend but without putting a label on things and I assured him this wasn't the case and that I think by the time we went away we would be in a relationship

OP posts:

AmIThough · 15/10/2019 12:38

Maybe he had someone else on the go at the same time (if you weren't exclusive) and she's agreed to commit after you rejected him.

Does he have/want kids?

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 12:39

We have been exclusive for a while now so not dating seeing other people and we came off dating apps

He doesn't have any and we had a chat early on and he said he didn't want any and I don't want any more either

I have a ds already but he said he had been with someone previously who had kids and he met them too soon and got hurt
I wasn't asking him to meet my ds for a while yet

OP posts:

AmIThough · 15/10/2019 12:48

Maybe ask him for an explanation then? Just say you're confused as you thought you'd sorted things.

Maybe you've hurt his pride and this is his way of dealing with it?

bigchris · 15/10/2019 12:52

I think he's found someone else

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 12:53

Yea that's what I think it is as well

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 12:56

I'd probably just say 'Oh, I thought we'd cleared the air but obviously not. I hope you find someone too. Good luck'
He's sounds like bloody hard work.
Girlfriend and boyfriend indeed!?
Why can't things just progress as they should?
You'd already had the exclusive talk.
He's too needy - I think you may have dodged a bullet with this one!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/10/2019 12:57

I had one like this. I'd get "hope you meet someone beter than me, take care" texts when I pulled him up on things or said something he didn't like. It was his way of getting me to backtrack and smooth things over.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 12:59

Thanks I don't feel I have been unreasonable wanting to take things slow-ish

I guess I just feel all over the place and I don't believe his excuse

I think you maybe right hellsbells

OP posts:

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 15/10/2019 13:22

Agree with PP, he’s found someone else...

SouthernComforts · 15/10/2019 13:29

Just delete his number and move on. Far too much angst for someone you've dated for a few weeks.

Loveablers · 15/10/2019 13:35

He wanted to make it official but you said to hold off

I wouldn’t wait around for 3 months for someone to decide they’re ready to be my boyfriend. If he was that inconsistent then you should’ve just called it quits right at the beginning. If they’re like that at the stage where they’re trying to impress you then it doesn’t really bode well for the future.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2019 13:35

So he wasn't consistent then and he's not consistent now.

My take is different, he's trying to punish you for saying no. Hoping you come begging.

You need to run girl and you need to run fast. And not look back. Because this one is going to fuck with your head and kill your self esteem.

Block him. Your future self will thank uou.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 13:51

Thanks everyone
I just feel gutted because I was slowly letting my guard down with him and developing strong feelings and now it's finished before we had a chance to get it off the ground
Feeling a bit hopeless

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 14:02

Hopeless??? Feel relieved.
He ended it because he didn't like your boundaries.
Keep those boundaries strong OP.
Don't let anyone overstep them.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 14:04

Thank you 😊

I made a promise to myself boundaries were important after my last relationship and I have to keep those promises to myself if nothing else.

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 15/10/2019 14:26

You said you didn't want to be his girlfriend. He's looking for a relationship, you're not so he walked away. I don't get the problem women on here are told to do this all the time. He's ended it don't string him along and send him messages

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 14:28

I told him on Friday that I do want a relationship but to take things slow and he said he was ok with that

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 15/10/2019 14:29

Clearly he's thought about it and he's not.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/10/2019 14:33

You were exclusively dating - in what way weren't you already 'boyfriend and girlfriend'?

Do you put a different designation on it that he does, maybe? I don't think I understand in what way your relationship would change by saying you were girlfriend and boyfriend - did he think you were still looking around by refusing to label the relationship?

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 14:44

I guess I'll never know now

We had already agreed we were exclusive not dating anyone else so not sure what he wanted by calling us in a relationship

OP posts:

litterbird · 15/10/2019 14:53

Sorry OP thats pants isn't it? He's pulled the rug because of his own insecurities not yours. He was keen to put a label on things, you were keen to still date. You were at different stages and he bolted. Good thing he did it now and not further down the line. Don't lower your standards by any means. A man who says "hope you find someone else" has truly shut down and walked away. Lick your wounds for a bit and get back out there.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 15/10/2019 14:56

I did sent him a message earlier saying I'm not sure how it got to this point after we had sorted everything on Friday and he has been online and not opened my message so he's obviously shut the book on it

I need to gather what ever dignity I have left and leave it now

OP posts:

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