Please help me with these feelings, how to navigate through them? i feel desperate

[SlipperSalt]

Not coping at all today and have come here for support or harsh truths. whatever to get me out of this dark place.

about a month ago my sister got engaged to someone she met at university. they have been together for a long time and she's 5 years younger than me. i am so confused with my feelings, i am happy and excited and also shaken by it. it has brought to a head a lot of things ive felt for the last year or so. mostly i feel broken hearted that if i ever get married and have children, then i wont have known my husband anywhere near as long as my sibling has known hers...i will never have those memories.

although ive been in relationships before and lived with one ex, for the last 5 years i have been single. had the odd 4 month thing here and there but basically been alone. ive brought my house alone, furnished it alone, built furniture alone, panicked about bills alone, had no water or heating and dealt with it alone...you get the picture. it has been just me, always. alongside this, in the last 4 years my best friend has been married and divorced and married again, another friend has been engaged twice, lots more have got married and had children. my life has been at a standstill.

my sister is great and i feel horrible for having thoughts of jealousy. im seen as the career one out of us, but she is marrying someone who has a very well paid job and lots of hand outs from his family. this means she has been able to take part time work when she wanted, not have the pressure i have of having to make ends meet by myself. while my job is a good one, it frustrates me that i am seen as this career person when in reality im not making millions or living the high life - i would much rather be settled down and married than be branded as this person who is great at work and not had time for a man. it isnt even true because i do date.

is there something wrong with me? what am i doing wrong? it seems like everyone else has these things yet i cant seem to find it? i feel distraught that i will never have a long marriage now, even if i met someone tomorrow we wont share uni stories or have memories of growing up and getting a first home together etc etc. all those things are already done at this age, so we would simply be doing them again.

do i need to shake up my life? if i had someone in it i really think i would love my life, i love where i live, my job, my friends. all that is missing is a relationship. but should i move? is that the answer? im in a big city but maybe i need to mix things up.

today it feels like my life is wasted,i look back on all the years that have passed me by. ive never found someone. how can that be other than a problem with who i am?

anyone? didnt realise it was so long, sorry

OP you should be really proud of everything you’ve achieved! You’ve done great!
I’m in a similar position to you now, however I’m guessing I’m older. I had a long term relationship several years ago. It was the most miserable time of my life.
If you spend your life comparing yourself to others you’re wasting your time and you’ll make yourself miserable. Nobody really knows what someone else’s life 100%.
Try to focus on your achievements. Honestly your friends and family probably envy your freedom.
I don’t think moving is the answer. You’ve said you love your home, your job and your friends. That’s great!
I don’t know what to suggest about finding a relationship as I’m not looking for one at the moment. I’m sure others will have ideas.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds as though your sister’s engagement has highlighted your feelings and also somehow reinforced your family “role” as the career girl at the same time.

It’s true that you can’t go back in time and meet someone at uni, but remember that there are no guarantees about long marriages/relationships whatever age they start at. I met my husband at university and we split after 22 years, after nearly five years alone I met my current partner on internet dating and we’ve now been together for 10 years. A whole new life started for me in my forties, something I couldn’t even have imagined at my lowest moments.

Maybe a life shake-up would help you to re-set things and give you a lift? A long holiday/sabbatical and some travelling perhaps? New job in a different place? Some kind of volunteering either abroad or here? Pursue something you’ve always wanted to try, but put off or not found time for?

You say you do date - are you still doing so? I know it takes a certain mind set to plough through the online dating scene, so maybe broaden your search area to include the next county or two?

I hope you find a way to feel better in yourself.

I also thing congrats are in order about how well you’ve coped. It’s been hard and you’ve done really well.
As for others would you want to trade places with the married one who must have gone through a bunch of upset over her divorce and for all you know may not be very happy with her current guy? What you see and what the truth is aren’t necessarily the same!

Perhaps you need to get out a bit more to a hobby or something and meet new people. Dont worry about not having a man. Like buses, two are bound to come along at the same time ....!!

How old are you op? Few people marry their uni sweetheart. I'm sure you know this, and it's not a competition as to how long you've known your partner.

thank you, i am clinging on to these posts today as i dont know how to keep going.

thanks for the congrsts..it doesnt feel like anything worth celebrating though. ive no photo of someone significant with me on the wall or someone to share my home with. it feels very empty. i dont want a housemate, that was suggested by my dad, i want a husband, a family. having a child alone is not what i want either.

i do date and thats why i wonder where i am going wrong. about a week before my sister announced the engagement, i had met someone i quite liked...not my type at all so i was surprised. we met once more after that and we kissed, which is unheard of for me on a second date (i usually bin them off by date two!). since then hes been away with work but now i am wondering did i kiss him because i felt lonely or worried about things after my sisters announcement, or was it genuine? he wants to met next week again when hes back from the work trip.

i feel very confused. and still very sad that if a man ever does marry me, we wont have long history together anyway. i think that is really special.

bluntness im 35 in january. i do know that but plenty of people meet after uni and long before my age now. i am feeling very down today though and not taking a strong approach to life like i usually would. i feel a bit broken.

Meet the guy and see how you feel. Don’t rush into anything with a crap guy or one you don’t have chemistry with in order to settle down. It’s not worth it!

I don’t get this stuff about you won’t have a long history together? What does that matter? I had a long history with an arsehole who broke my heart. History smishtory. You can have a good history for as long as you like before you get married. You make it sound like the be all and end all. It’s not a guarantee he’ll love you for ever or treat you right or be your soulmate. A marriage is what you make of it and your life experience may be what you need to connect with the next guy tou date whenever whom you are serious about. You may know him for just a few weeks but the connection is so strong it feels like a lifetime. Or years but he moved away and has now moved back. Who knows. I don’t know if you are from a culture or religion that has feelings about people should get married young or they are a failure or something but you don’t need to be that person. You wait for the right one. You will be fine. There is no rush. Dont compare your life to your sisters. You have all the time in the world to have fun and do what you want. The grass isn’t always greener.

Congrats on everything you have achieved. I think it’s a hard age to be single as so many people will have got married over the last few years and can understand you may feel left behind. I got married at 33 and a lot of my friends were already married with babies. But some are still single and looking to settle down like you. I would focus on yourself. Pull back from work a little and do other things that make you happy. If you are happy in yourself you are more likely to attract the right person for you. Try different and new internet dating sites. I’ve heard hinge is good. But mainly you have to be happy in yourself as there is nothing more attractive.

My experience of having history with someone hasn't been a bed of roses, OP. I married my uni sweetheart but I really shouldn't have, he turned out to be abusive and unkind and I suffered a lot. I didn't get a chance to grow as a person in my own right and to value myself. I admire women like you because I see you as being someone who didn't "settle for second best" and who has probably learned to set appropriately boundaries which is still something I have to work on; the last person I dated walked all over me too. You are an independent woman who doesn't need a bloke to prop her up and there's a LOT to be said for that. Sometimes life doesn't work out the way we imagined it would and when you see someone else apparently achieving your dream with little or no effort, it does sting. But be proud of all you've achieved.

thanks. at almost 35 (in jan) it feels like time has ran out.

i wouldnt ever be with someone for the sake of it, no matter how lonely i was. i did genuinely like this man but confusion is there now after we kissed after i heard about the engagement. hes the first person i have kissed on a second date in years, although i did fancy him on the first meeting (also unheard of for me).

whether things carry on with him or not, i feel like i have had to live so much of life alone that i have missed out on sharing things with someone special

I didn't meet the man of my dreams till I was 40, three years ago, and had I met him earlier I most likely wouldn't have seen him for the gem he is. Not sure I'd have been the catch I am now, either.

Keep growing, keep getting the most out of life and give generously in all parts of life. Live a full life and treat a relationship as a bonus. I know it's said repeatedly, but it's really true that a large number of people in long relationships are just as unhappy as you feel at the moment.

as for dating generally, i go on lots of dates, nearly all the time it is me not meeting them again. ive tried making more effort recently but then theres always the idea with online dating that theres someone else round the corner. i am awful for thinking that and not making much effort.

feel jealous of the people who have never had to internet date as well.

Don’t worry about what age you are. I’m way older than you, been on this planet over half a century, currently single, and yeah it’s a bit lonely sometimes and a bit boring sometimes but I’d rather have that than be stuck with a horrible husband. Sod that! I pick and choose my dates. I don’t settle for any old guy. I am picky and quite rightly so. My life is good!

You sound as though you believe there is a ‘right’ way to do things, and although you’re following the ‘rules’ you don’t feel you’re getting the rewards?

You sound as if you’re very accomplished but also a bit resentful that you’ve done it alone. I understand that, but I think you should maybe take some credit for it instead.

You know you can’t manufacture long -standing relationships or happy-ever-afters, but you’re hankering after them anyway. I think you should validate your feelings, admit what you want.

As for the man and the kiss? Meet him, have fun, be open to possibilities. You’re free. Enjoy it.

OP I married my uni sweetheart and it ended in tears. We were together 11 years and I ended up a single mum at 32.

Met my dp on tinder. He and his friends are all your/my age and most of them are only just marrying now, the longest relationship is 3-4 years. They are all in professional jobs with very good degrees etc. Sorry to say it but marrying young is usually just a result of poor education, it was in my case... early marriages tend to end in tears.

You're actually bang on normal for an educated woman, you're near 35 and dating in earnest because you know you want to shift gears now. You arent behind. I appreciate that's very cold comfort when you're feeling like this though.

When I was suddenly single at 32 I decided I wouldn't look for a partner or think of "a man marrying me" (your words - notice how you say quite clearly with that sentence structure that the man is the protagonist, with you being the one he chooses to marry...), I would concentrate on doing the things that made me happy, every day..painting, hill walks, travelling, and, yes, shagging nice men I met on tinder. I went through several.

I'm now living with one of those tinder dates. Turns out when you have no expectations and just spend time lying in bed with another lonely person you end up falling in love despite yourselves. Nothing would have worked out if I'd been anxious for something in particular to happen.. when you are, you tend to project what desire onto the other person and then after a few years you see you deceived yourself. Cf my first marriage...

Rambling now OP. I probably haven't made you feel better. I do want you to know you are loved and supported here. Sometimes just talking helps enough for you to regain your courage and keep soldiering on x

rvby your post made me cry and i feel so much less alone for having read it, thank you, so so much.

hero i think it is that i feel left out. i want to be married and have a family, my sister has had support from someone since uni...theyve shared the boiler breakdowns, the converyancing stress, the 50/50 cost on holidays....ive had the odd 50/50 oliday but basically had huge chunks of my life alone. it feels so unfair. ive had to pay to have strangers come into my home to help me carrying furtniture upstairs when friends havent been free...these things sound petty but after a while it all hurts.

I understand how you feel. I never really thought that I wanted to get married/live together/have more children until recently when most of my friends have started getting engaged and married. I am so happy for them all but at the last wedding part of me was a little sad that it’s not me. I do have a boyfriend of over 3 years who I love dearly but realistically I don’t think he loves me the same and it’s very unlikely we will ever live together or get married or start a family.

It could be worse, you could be like me! You at least have the chance to meet someone, I’m just stuck loving someone who will never give me what I want and pretending I’m totally happy with that . You sound great and it sounds like there are sparks with the man you kissed recently which is promising. And you most definitely are not too old!

I think its actually better to meet your husband later in life. Usually, those that mean so young, end up splitting when older as they grow apart etc. At least, from my experience of friends etc. Of course not all split, but it seems like its better to meet a little later in life as people change etc and can go in different directions, have different ambitions then in Uni.

Anyway, enjoy the dating and focus on you. Its normal to feel jealous a bit in this situation. But just try to focus on yourself and being happy.

I can’t describe the feeling really, it’s just strange hearing my friends talk about things that happened with someone over ten years ago and I’m here thinking I don’t even have half that amount of memories with anyone. I feel totally left behind.

Op you can't change your past, and don't wish your life and future away focussing on things you haven't had. It's a waste of time.
I know it can't be easy to hear if you only have one side of the story you want for your life.
But the grass isn't always greener. Having what your sister has, or your friends or other family have isn't usually the full story. I can promise you they're not all blissfully happy and some of them are almost certainly wishing they had what they perceive your life to be.
As somebody who has experienced a 9 year relationship, a marriage, a divorce. A child, poor finances and times of desperation I can tell you that I'm now a single parent of a young child, I'm 52, lots of health issues, have to work full time and very little disposable income and not much quality time to spend with my DD. Life is very hard sometimes, but I made my choices and I'm happier now than I ever was in a relationship.
I get that you want the life experiences but don't make the mistake of thinking you'll 'only be complete if...'

I'm another one who married her uni sweetheart only to have it end in divorce.

Meanwhile, my best friend remained single and constantly told me how jealous she was of my perfect family life; she's on the brink of that now, and I'm very much single.

There is no magic bullet. It sounds like you're doing everything right, and it is unfair that it just hasn't happened for you. But the only answer is to keep looking to the future with hope and optimism, keep doing what your doing and just try to enjoy the positives.

Thank you. I’ve not been coping well tonight. I think because I’ve been dating so long I just can’t see it ever happening now.

Having said that, the kiss with this recent man was unlike any I’ve had before. He’s just not at all my type!!

It's not better to meet someone very young. People change and do a lot of growing up in their 20s.
And this wistful type of thinking , "if I got married now we wouldn't have a shared history" is really not serving you well. It's a very negative way of thinking, glass half empty. If you meet someone now who was a keeper, then you would be very happy about that, surely? Stick with the facts - don't give energy to what might have been.
Completely ok to feel as you do about your sister. Allow your jealousy to be there and give yourself some care, and the feeling will pass.

Will it pass? It doesn’t feel like it will. Tonight has been really hard.