Please help me with these feelings, how to navigate through them? i feel desperate

[SlipperSalt]

Not coping at all today and have come here for support or harsh truths. whatever to get me out of this dark place.

about a month ago my sister got engaged to someone she met at university. they have been together for a long time and she's 5 years younger than me. i am so confused with my feelings, i am happy and excited and also shaken by it. it has brought to a head a lot of things ive felt for the last year or so. mostly i feel broken hearted that if i ever get married and have children, then i wont have known my husband anywhere near as long as my sibling has known hers...i will never have those memories.

although ive been in relationships before and lived with one ex, for the last 5 years i have been single. had the odd 4 month thing here and there but basically been alone. ive brought my house alone, furnished it alone, built furniture alone, panicked about bills alone, had no water or heating and dealt with it alone...you get the picture. it has been just me, always. alongside this, in the last 4 years my best friend has been married and divorced and married again, another friend has been engaged twice, lots more have got married and had children. my life has been at a standstill.

my sister is great and i feel horrible for having thoughts of jealousy. im seen as the career one out of us, but she is marrying someone who has a very well paid job and lots of hand outs from his family. this means she has been able to take part time work when she wanted, not have the pressure i have of having to make ends meet by myself. while my job is a good one, it frustrates me that i am seen as this career person when in reality im not making millions or living the high life - i would much rather be settled down and married than be branded as this person who is great at work and not had time for a man. it isnt even true because i do date.

is there something wrong with me? what am i doing wrong? it seems like everyone else has these things yet i cant seem to find it? i feel distraught that i will never have a long marriage now, even if i met someone tomorrow we wont share uni stories or have memories of growing up and getting a first home together etc etc. all those things are already done at this age, so we would simply be doing them again.

do i need to shake up my life? if i had someone in it i really think i would love my life, i love where i live, my job, my friends. all that is missing is a relationship. but should i move? is that the answer? im in a big city but maybe i need to mix things up.

today it feels like my life is wasted,i look back on all the years that have passed me by. ive never found someone. how can that be other than a problem with who i am?

I could have written your post at 35. Almost identical situation and feelings. At 37 I met my husband and married him 11 months later. We've been married for 5 years.
Take the pressure off yourself.

Thanks. I’m not in a good place tonight, managed to get myself into a total state

I'd say that the quality of time with someone far outweighs the time with them.
10 years of memories with someone who bores the arse off you vs 1 year with someone you love to be with? I know what I'd choose!

You're only picturing the good parts of other peoples relationships. But for every shared boiler breakdown, there will have been an argument, a sulk, a misunderstanding, a disappointing shag, a compromise, a night spent watching a bad band, a hurtful remark, a boring film, a pang of jealousy, a missed career move, an extra load of laundry, a night of snoring, a WTF Christmas present...

I panic-married a complete c* when I was 29. We had DC and divorced and he's still making my life a misery. I met the man of my dreams when I was 40.

I was engaged at 18 and could now have racked up 30 years if shared memories with him. I'm so glad I didn't!

You sound tired. Not emotionally, but physically. Bath, book, bed. You won't feel like this tomorrow. I promise you, you really won't.

And read every poem by Wendy Cope ever written. You'll love her. She went through alllllllll of this and had a happy ending.

will it pass?

Yes! It will. Keep breathing. You’ve just lost perspective at the moment.

Life is very difficult when you’re stuck being convinced there is a way you should have done things which is different to how things have turned out. Your life could change in all sorts of ways but it’s harder for that to happen when you can’t let go of the regrets and disappointments.

You haven’t been left behind. You haven’t got anything wrong. But I understand what it’s like to feel like that. It’s horrible not to be able to be properly happy for friends and family because it’s being ruined by envy, and that’s another thing to beat yourself up with.

If this feeling stays, I’d suggest going to see a therapist to talk it through. You don’t need to feel like this, it’s not inevitable. (And having just seen the PP, therapy is also advocated by Wendy Cope!)

Never married, but also was in a relationship from 21 until a few weeks ago - just after our 13th anniversary. Went wrong for all kinds of reasons, and in part because we were young when we got together, didn't know how to sort out problems or communicate, or recognise when things were going wrong. My friends who are my age (and your age) are single, but know who they are and what they want, and are dating with intent and finding great guys. I'm newly single, everything bloody thing has changed, and i'm left trying to work out who the hell i am in the absence of that long, shared history.

You know who you are and what you want. Go get it.

I agree with the PP that the quality of time spent far outweighs the length. I had 18 years of misery with my children's father. I was with him but alone, so so alone.

You've no idea how long your sisters relationship will last, what it will be like etc, what they'll go through.

What I'm saying is, lots of people 'celebrating' those lengthy relationships, have no doubt gone through very difficult times, so you could've met somebody 10 years ago, then your paths changed and you could no longer make it work. Relationships are hard work, not the idyll you are perceiving.

You don't begrudge your sister, you just want it for yourself, and that's understandable.

A family member dated a lot, had a few long term relationships, then met her fella late 30's, first child at 39. Never thought she'd have kids, so there's time OP.

I'm alone now, so I understand the doing everything alone.

Thanks for the words of support, they mean a lot.

Today has been really really hard. I feel like I’m really lost. I don’t know whether to shake up my life and disappear somewhere else for a while.

I was just wondering how your were OP. You do sound like you’re in a bit of a state.

You could disappear for a while and the shake up might shift something, or you might up feeling lost somewhere else, or just avoiding the feelings. Personally I’d spend the money on therapy rather than a sabbatical but you need to do what makes most sense for you. You don’t have to feel like this forever though.

Maybe I will start with therapy. Thanks.

I feel so bitter that it’s just me who is alone. Literally all of my friends are in relationships. It honestly feels like something is wrong with me, I feel like a freak.

I understand wheee you are coming from but I met my husband at 32 and tbh I wasn't ready for him before: I had to mature into the kind of person who was able for a proper relationship

Not sure where you think you'll meet your 'dream man' if you keep binning off men after your second date! Seriously though I think you're focusing on the wrong things - knowing someone for years doesn't guarantee a successful relationship, in fact sometimes it can be a couple 'settling' as everyone expects them to end up together ( not everyone obviously!) many people don't meet their life partner til they are your age or older. I think your sister getting herself settled has made you feel the opposite - Ie unsettled in your life. Have a bit of a wallow, then start fresh- give this new guy a chance, stop worrying about what can't be changed and enjoy life for what it is, not some fairytale dream. Good luck

mydog I have met this man twice now and had a nice time. I’m not crazy about him and if he didn’t want to meet again I wouldn’t be too fussed. But i am also interested in meeting him again. This is the point where I will think nah, can’t be bothered, my heart isn’t in it. Is this where I am going wrong? Expecting myself to be fully into it from date one or two?

'thanks. at almost 35 (in jan) it feels like time has ran out.'

Aww, 35 is no age.:)

So you haven't been with the same man from your teens/early 20s- imagine if you had but they were shite?

If you'd been in more bad or longer term bad relationships, you'd relish the freedom of being alone.

You don't have to change anything in your life probably- you'll get there in the end.

I agree that therapy might help though, as you feel so low about it.

Hang on in there and the right man will come along xxx Just distract yourself with your friends etc- you might even meet someone through them.

Don't feel you 'have' to have a 2nd or 3rd date with someone, like you're doing something wrong or anything and ought to put more effort in. If you're interested in someone in some way, you'll know. With this guy, you might decide you want a 3rd date as you're physically attracted to him. Even if you decide you just want a fling (or that you don't) that's fine.

I think you're doing everything you can to achieve what you want, and it will come xx

Thank you. So comforting to read after such a horrible day xx

@SlipperSalt

Yes, I think perhaps it may be. I'm not for one minute advocating going out with someone purely for the sake of it, but sometimes good relationships start from a slow burn rather than the instant fireworks, and you did say you enjoyed his company. Even if it doesn't go anywhere ultimately you may meet a new social group / make new friendswhere there is someone you do click with .

I hope you feel better in yourself soon as well - one of the keys to good relationships with other people, romantically or platonic is to be happy with who you are, and you sound as though you have yourself pretty well sorted generally - sometimes a fantastic relationship creeps up on you when you least expect it - chin up !!

Thanks. I just don’t know how after meeting so so so many people I can’t have found someone right for me yet. It seems like I must be getting it all wrong somehow it my expectations are off.

OP may I just say that it reads to me like you are living your life on your own terms..and that it's priceless?
I met my ex at 23. Got together at 25. Separated 4 years ago. That's 20 years. 20 years that I can't get back. But, you know what? That's ok. I'm ok and you're ok.

It may not seem it right now, but life truly is for the taking. Please invest some time in reframing your thought processes. It WILL be worth it. You will be more happy in yourself which is insanely attractive to others.

I can say that because I am more confident than I have been for quite some time. I notice people reacting differently to me. I am convinced it's because I was so down on myself before that I couldn't see straight. You can learn to trust yourself and your choices. You will feel better.

You've achieved so much already. Be proud of you. Feel the hurt, sit with it, then send it on it's way..

aufait thank you for the post xx

The problem I have is that I don’t seem to have an issue getting a date or a second or third one, but I am the part that ruins things. It’s me never wanting to meet up again or feeling like it’s not worth it. People seem to walk into relationships with such ease. Not me. I don’t seem to know how to develop feelings anymore

I'm probably going to sound pretty harsh, but you're not going to find someone if you just bin them off after two dates. It takes a long time to really get to know someone. I'm not by any means saying hang around when there are obvious red flags. But this current guy seems 'OK'. Maybe have a few more dates. See what you think then.

I don't think you can expect to find 'the one' after two dates. Physical lust perhaps, yes. But not a long lasting partnership.

I agree with therapy over a sabbatical. I basically ran away from my life last year and fulfilled some bucket-list travel dreams. It was incredible, and I wouldn’t change a thing, but all my unhappiness flooded back as soon as I got home.

fatted but so many people say on threads on here (like the dating thread) that if there’s no spark then move on. How long do you give it?!

@SlipperSalt
@Fatted

Slipper, fatted has said pretty much the same as me - yes sometimes relationships burst into life right away, but really I don't think that's the norm. How well can you really know someone after 2 dates? If you get on and enjoy his company surely it's worth getting to know him better even if it just means you end up with another good friend? It's not a race to meet someone , even though YOU seem to be putting time limits on yourself.

perhaps stop looking at every date as though he's going to be your potential life partner and relax a bit? Easier said I know, but have a bit fun rather than frantically looking round for the 'next better thing' . That maybe sounds a bit harsh, and I don't mean it that way at all, just enjoy the company you may be with, in the minute, not in the future. Have some fun

if there’s no spark then move on.

I think this is an unhelpful rule to apply. (whilst I'm no expert I am a couple therapist. )
As Mydog said, it's better just to enjoy each date and enjoy the company, do activities you like, stay in the moment. Don't think too much about the future when you're dating, or you will be too fussy and perfectionist. You have to give relationships a chance to develop. It may not be a spark that brings long term happiness. And it's a really good idea to date outside your usual "type".

I agree with majesticwhine. I am older than you op, and have many friends who are dating again after long marriages or relationships have ended in divorce.

There are lots of stories amongst us of people dating someone who isn't their usual type, or someone who started off as a platonic acquaintance without any romantic interest or spark at all.

Most recently, one friend moved in with someone she adores but he was a regular customer in her shop for years and she wasn't attracted to him at all. They got chatting about a band they both like, went - as friends - to see them perform, and it was all a real slow burn over months.

Another friend was doing OLD and, as an academic, rejected anyone who didn't have a professional job. She didn't reply to brief messages or ones that were full of grammar or spelling errors. Her partner, a builder, approached her with a first message that barely made sense. To this day she says she doesn't know why she replied, or agreed to meet him, but they're perfect together.

So yes, maybe looking beyond your usual type, or continuing to date for more than 2-3 dates unless you actively dislike him or see red flags, would pay dividends.