Not coping at all today and have come here for support or harsh truths. whatever to get me out of this dark place.
about a month ago my sister got engaged to someone she met at university. they have been together for a long time and she's 5 years younger than me. i am so confused with my feelings, i am happy and excited and also shaken by it. it has brought to a head a lot of things ive felt for the last year or so. mostly i feel broken hearted that if i ever get married and have children, then i wont have known my husband anywhere near as long as my sibling has known hers...i will never have those memories.
although ive been in relationships before and lived with one ex, for the last 5 years i have been single. had the odd 4 month thing here and there but basically been alone. ive brought my house alone, furnished it alone, built furniture alone, panicked about bills alone, had no water or heating and dealt with it alone...you get the picture. it has been just me, always. alongside this, in the last 4 years my best friend has been married and divorced and married again, another friend has been engaged twice, lots more have got married and had children. my life has been at a standstill.
my sister is great and i feel horrible for having thoughts of jealousy. im seen as the career one out of us, but she is marrying someone who has a very well paid job and lots of hand outs from his family. this means she has been able to take part time work when she wanted, not have the pressure i have of having to make ends meet by myself. while my job is a good one, it frustrates me that i am seen as this career person when in reality im not making millions or living the high life - i would much rather be settled down and married than be branded as this person who is great at work and not had time for a man. it isnt even true because i do date.
is there something wrong with me? what am i doing wrong? it seems like everyone else has these things yet i cant seem to find it? i feel distraught that i will never have a long marriage now, even if i met someone tomorrow we wont share uni stories or have memories of growing up and getting a first home together etc etc. all those things are already done at this age, so we would simply be doing them again.
do i need to shake up my life? if i had someone in it i really think i would love my life, i love where i live, my job, my friends. all that is missing is a relationship. but should i move? is that the answer? im in a big city but maybe i need to mix things up.
today it feels like my life is wasted,i look back on all the years that have passed me by. ive never found someone. how can that be other than a problem with who i am?