DP going away over Christmas

[Bigmango]

So we are spending Christmas at my mum’s with our dd. Dp has been offered chance of a lifetime to watch football in directors box with club owner etc etc on Boxing Day. It’s a couple of hours drive from my mums so we agreed he would stay the night up there. We are going own quite a few days before Christmas so I said fine as we will get lots of time with him. He has just said now that he’d like to stay an extra night as his friend who lives there wants to take him out and show him the city. My initial reaction was hell no, you’re being a massive CF for considering it. But now I’m not so sure. He has been away once since dd born so it’s definitely not a regular occurrence. It’s just I feel like it’s still Christmas period so is sacred. BUT he never gets time of work and has 2 weeks off. And really I guess this is easier than going away for a weekend as I will be at my mum’s. I just can’t shake the feeling that he is taking the piss. Argh I don’t know. I don’t want to agree and the resent him, but I don’t want to say no when actually it’s quite a reasonable request. Opinions please?!

Yes he is dad. I’d say 18 months in still makes us a fairly new family no? Two babies including the dog who is in fact much harder work than the human baby (she doesn’t eat chair legs - yet).

I know what you mean - you’re still learning to negotiate things between you and balancing the whole business of parenting with also being a couple and trying to keep your own identities and interests.

Give and take, listening to each other and making allowances for special things that come along. The important thing is that it starts out equal and remains equal, with your needs being considered too.

So just to clarify because I think Iv missed something somewhere. when you say two babies you mean one human child and a puppy?

Is he going leaving Christmas night or boxing day morning?

It's a reasonable request, and you will look controlling and selfish if you attempt to stop him.

It's not really a case of letting him go, he's an adult who doesn't need permission. But he has asked if you are ok with it so I think you need to be ok with it. It's a great opportunity for him.

I have (mainly) male relatives who go off and see football matches on Boxing Day. It's not as if it is on Christmas Day!

@Ninkaninus thanks. That’s about the size of it.

Bit of a drip feed there. If you'd said earlier that he's taken the piss previously that would have got more sympathy than the 'Christmas is sacred' stuff. The puppy is not a baby though. Agree that your actual child is at a demanding age. Will your mum and family help while you're staying?

Definitely wasn’t looking for sympathy, was looking perspectives. Puppy = baby dog, dd = baby human. Short hand in our house = babies.

I have a DH who has worked most Christmases that we've had children, last year he worked every day from Dec 24th to Jan 1st. A couple of years ago, he went away on December 3rd and came back... 6 months later. This was voluntary btw. Nit his normal role.

Christmas can be fabulous whatever the circumstances. Just make the best of whatever situation without brooding and being resentful.

*not

I can't imagine how angry I'd be if my husband tried to stop me doing this in this situation.

Seriously. You'll be at your mums. Tell him to go have fun and try to remember he's not a child who needs to seek your permission and to treat him like such will mean you're not a family for very long.

Jaysssssus wept! We have conversations about our plans, we ask each other if it’s ok for us to put all the responsibility on the other person for however long. Why is this a problem? It is not me treating him like a child, or vice versa.

I can just imagine the responses if I posted this saying my oh was going away for 2 days and hadn’t given me any say into whether that was ok with me and my plans.

It’s not a problem. It would be a problem, IMO, if you refused him this quite reasonable request. And if the situation were reversed and my OH refused me a chance for an extra night away in similar circumstances, I would be very angry and feel hugely upset at his lack of generosity. However that would never happen, because we have a very equal and equitable relationship.

If he isn’t thoughtful, respectful and equally generous toward you then that’s a huge issue and it needs to be dealt with. If you haven’t had much down time, leisure time, and allowances made for your wants and needs since your child arrived, then that’s also a huge issue and also needs to be dealt with.

It seems like the ideal time for him to go if you have the support at your Mum's. Although sometimes it's just easier to be in your own home with your own stuff around you.
I get the resentment too though, because it's shit hard being at home all day with a baby and never getting two whole days free for yourself. But you won't get that free time unless you create it for yourself, no one is going to offer it.

Can you really not cope with a puppy and a baby?

Life being full on is single parent, 3 kids, full time job and absent father figure. Not few nights away looking after a baby and puppy.

Lots of ppl working between Xmas and new year. Critical services working Xmas. Get over yourself.

A baby and a puppy is hardly a burden, he’s got those plus a full time job. I’d be very disappointed if my children as adults couldn’t cope with a child and dog for two days alone

Clearly in a minority but I do think he's taking the piss.

City tour? More like night on the piss while you look after your child alone at your mum's just after Christmas, when you say that's what you do ft, he hardly gets any hols etc. He should be happy with the match away from.hus family on boxing Day without adding more to it.

Yeah and def book so me timeout for yourself.

The first couple of years with baby is a fkg marathon.

And so what single parents do it on their own; she's not a single parent so its irrelevant

Many posters have said yabu and explained why (I agree with them) but others have been a little harsh. Picking apart the “two babies” thing, too. It’s been a bit of a strange thread.

Let him go willingly and have a nice couple of days with your mum.

(He's really lucky. I'd jump at the chance to go and I don't even like football!)

Yeah I would be pissed off. I work from home and am also responsible for our kids all the time, so if dp (who works 5 days and one night a week, football 2 nights a week and all day every saturday) announced he was using not one, but 2 nights of our family time during the holidays to go on a jolly with his pals, I wouldnt be pleased.

mermaidsinthesand so agree. What an absolute privilege to be able to afford to stay at home for a while, to have a puppy too, oh and a husband who's nice enough to chat through plans, and your mum's still alive and well enough to host Christmas. A lot of blessings to mull over

I'm a bit at the responses itt - it's like MN has been taken over by the stepford wife convention for the day.