Partner looking for fun elsewhere

[Battenburg11]

I’ve been with my partner for nearly twelve years and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster mainly due to his alcoholism. We have two children. He has an addictive personality but has not had a drink in six months or so.

This morning I came across something on his phone and see that it was some sex dating site, I confronted him and he said he’s just seeking a thrill as he’s turning to his late 40s and it’s an ego boost thing and he wouldn’t actually meet anyone etc

Tonight I went through his emails and see that he has set up a profile earlier this year seeking women mainly for no strings attached sex and fulfilling his fantasies. I then find he has been googling local prostitutes.

I feel sick just reading it. I don’t think he has met anyone. I feel so heartbroken if anything for our children.

I work full time and more or less a cleaner and cook at weekends and basically exhausted. We do have sex but obviously not to the frequency and degree that he would like.

I’m torn as to what to do. I feel like being taken for a fool and for the support I’ve given him.

I would be asking my DH to leave. It’s been going on for most of this year, setting up profiles looking for no strings attached sex..... you have no idea if he has met anyone or not but that’s not the issue. He is looking elsewhere and that would be it for me

So sorry OP how awful for you to see this. You must be in shock and emotionally all over the place with this. I am afraid it looks like its over and out for your marriage. You might be able to save it if he goes to counselling and works on his issues. Yes, you have been taken for a fool, at least you are no fool anymore. Get your ducks in a row and exit gracefully. I am so sorry for this mans behaviour.

You feel you have been taken for a fool because YOU HAVE.

Unless you want this sort of relationship for your children, get out now. And the only reason I say that is because you will be so ground down that you won't do it for yourself.

Just how sad is that??

but please, ultimately, understand you are worth so much more xx

I feel like being taken for a fool and for the support I’ve given him.

That's what ur looks like from here too.

However, given that you have used the euphemism of DH 'looking for fun' in your thread title, I'd query whether you're being honest with yourself about his actions and about the implications of them.

Perhaps it just hasn't sunk in yet, but let's be honest: he wasn't looking for fun, he's looking for sex with other women, and it sounds like he's planning to spend some of your hard-earned wages on prostitutes to boot.

You deserve way more than this.

Alcoholic, using dating sites and contacting prostitutes? That is not a kind and loving husband or a good father.

Tell him to leave.

Please don't put up with this OP. If he has been unfaithful, or you suspect he has think about getting an STI test. So sorry for you.... My heart goes out to you. The alcoholism is bad enough (and I know very well what that is like to live with) but this is the worst betrayal.

Please get an STI check. Sorry to say but if he has had these profiles and googling prostitutes for months then it's likely he has already cheated, although he will never admit it if you don't have the proof.

You deserve more than this man.

Tell him you're done. Tell him that you expect and deserve considerably more from a 12 year relationship where your loyalty and commitment to him has never been in question.

Tell him he's free to find his fun wherever and however he wants, but he's NOT doing it under your roof.

And then pack his bags and boot him out send him packing.

You're on a hiding to nothing with this man and have been for a very long time. Please end it before it seriously impacts your dc who can't be unaware of the tensions in your relationship with their alcoholic df.
As they are children of an alcoholic I suggest you look into arranging some form of therapy for them and for yourself.

You really don't know what to do ?

Why don't you think he's met anyone? It sound to me (from what you've said) that he has. Especially as the emails linking him to these sex sites go back a while.
And does it matter. Either way he wants to be shagging about. And you deserve better. Sorry you're going through this.

I just had a lengthy conversation with him. He says the emails from March were draft emails in his draft folder (which they were) that he never put on a dating site and it was only in the last week that he has actually put on a live dating profile.

He sweared that it was just chat and he wouldn’t have actually met up with anyone and it was just a fantasy of his. I said I want to see his live profile but he wouldn’t let me, saying he feels embarrassed but he’s deleted it.

I really don’t know what to do. I said if it’s all fantasy why actually put on a live profile? He can use porn sites for thrills. Below is “one” of the emails he had drafted, to me it reads that, he would have gone through with it if the offer was available.

“Im a tall, now blonde (but dark) man with a great physique. I'm always immaculately turned out; I've a wicked imagination, I'm fun, intelligent and successful. I am very tactile and respond generously to women who are able to give, and want, lots of uncomplicated erotic fun, intimacy and excitement. I'm sexually confident, curious and open to all sorts of suggestions and adventures, always willing to try. In the UK I live in and am looking for real encounters for passion, thrills and excitement which may start with cyber chat but is certainly not limited to it. We may may steal time for lunch, the afternoon or an evening brief encounter, a carefully arranged or impromptu night or longer, it depends on how well we get along, how we click and how much time we'll want or can give.

You're a special kind of woman. You’re articulate, sophisticated, intelligent, charming, polite, well spoken, witty and wicked fun to be with. You're tidy, smartly dressed with a mature outlook, probably married and not wanting to have that threatened. You're fit and can stay the pace and of course you're good looking, someone any man would be proud to be seen with. You're fascinating, charismatic, stylish with both emotional and real intelligence. You're upfront with an interesting profile whichl, seduces, excites and enthralls. You're fun and you communicate with a polite and personally written message. You're no fake time waster and you're not a lady who is going to get cold feet and back out at the last minute. Please don't do it, and in any event if you a genuine mature woman you already know better than to do that.

Fucking hell, OP - even if he hasn't done anything, I'd leave anyone who writes like that - what a twat!

He has taken this way to far. Even just the thought and effort in writing that profile must've been long in the making. His intentions were set very clearly from the beginning.

I'm sorry this is happening. I hope you realise this isn't the way you deserve to be treated and make the right deicion as a strong warrior

"which may start with cyber chat but is certainly not limited to it."

So, he probably wasn't intending, if he went ahead with it, for it just to stay online.

Don’t stay with this man - your self respect will be on the floor if you do. You’ll be the head cook and bottle washer and his mistress can be all the things in this message.

This was another of his draft to go on a profile. To me, it doesn’t sound like a fantasy but someone looking to see it through. I wish I read his live profile properly this morning but I was in such a shock and confronted him straight away

“Professional looking for a genuine clandestine connection. I'm fit, healthy with lots of energy. I crave fun and excitement snd hope we can laugh and have good times and wonderful sex. Though my current situation has lost spark long time ago I'm not looking to change it. I want more. I want to feel the intensity of a new friendship with its benefits. I want to find an honest, exciting woman looking for the same. We must be safe and screened to ensure each others health and wellbeing; then watch us go!”

You've read his serious intent to find random women to shag at lunchtimes, afternoons, and evenings, and he's deleted his live profile because he feels fear that you'll have irrefutable proof of his adultery 'embarrassed ' but you still don't know what to do?

Throw his skanky arse out, get yourself tested at your nearest GUM clinic (they're discreet and extremely understanding), and file for divorce - be sure to get a shit hot lawyer and take him to the cleaners.

Ir may hurt, but at least you will have spared yourself the torment of the damned if you are stupid enough to stay with him.

Could you tell us again what you are confused about ?

May start with cyber chat = dick pic, hoping she will show him something in return. Married = you’ve as much to lose as I have, so you won’t tell my partner. You’re a special kind of lady = you replied. God this is depressing. Most I’ve got here is bin bag, clothes, drive, shut the door and for goodness’ sake get yourself a grown man if you want one. Awful. Sorry OP 💐

I always suspected internet dating profiles in all their various genres were a fine excuse for people with overinflated egos to write works of fiction about themselves...you have confirmed this with the 'prose' your partner has written....what a load of pretentious cobblers that is coming from an alcoholic, sex addicted narcissist. I have visions of the tall, blonde man with great physique as being a shorter version, with beer belly and receding hair line who has trouble keeping it up :-D

Leave him on the basis of his writing standards alone, never mind the fact you are working yourself to death for an idiot who could give you an STD...if he can find anyone desperate enough to fall for his 'charms' without paying for it, of course.

He's bullshitting you.

And googling local prostitutes, really? Seriously?

How very patronising considerate of him to stay with you even though your marriage "lost spark a long time ago".

How much more humiliation can he subject you to and how much longer will you allow him to humiliate you?

Has this egocentric arsewipe got a high opinion of himself or what? His arrogance is nauseating and his lies are transparent.

End this farce of a marriage and, after you've used them in your grounds for divorce, hold on to those drafts and rework them if you fancy an unmarried bit on the side at some future date

Was this for illicit encounters website?

Fuck he drones on, takes ages to get to the point with him.

You've seen it all, nothing more to see now but decide when you leave is best

Oh wow. What an arrogant prick. He really thinks a lot of himself. Not enough to do his own cleaning and cooking though. He’s totally disrespectful. He’s disgusting. Get rid. You deserve so much more. Do not do anymore housework related stuff for him.