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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner looking for fun elsewhere

61 replies

Battenburg11 · 12/10/2019 20:53

I’ve been with my partner for nearly twelve years and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster mainly due to his alcoholism. We have two children. He has an addictive personality but has not had a drink in six months or so.

This morning I came across something on his phone and see that it was some sex dating site, I confronted him and he said he’s just seeking a thrill as he’s turning to his late 40s and it’s an ego boost thing and he wouldn’t actually meet anyone etc

Tonight I went through his emails and see that he has set up a profile earlier this year seeking women mainly for no strings attached sex and fulfilling his fantasies. I then find he has been googling local prostitutes.

I feel sick just reading it. I don’t think he has met anyone. I feel so heartbroken if anything for our children.

I work full time and more or less a cleaner and cook at weekends and basically exhausted. We do have sex but obviously not to the frequency and degree that he would like.

I’m torn as to what to do. I feel like being taken for a fool and for the support I’ve given him.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 00:10

So what are you then OP ? housekeeper ? cook ? home provider to this recovering alcoholic ?

fuck that.. kiss his ass out and if he hits the drink that's on HIM not YOU.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/10/2019 00:33

Probably more like two pump Shrek lookalike.

The way he writes alone makes me want to vomit.

Seriously what is there to even consider op, other than planning a future without this monumental douche?

ymf117 · 13/10/2019 00:33

Sorry OP but he is clearly looking into meeting up with people, please get yourself tested and LTB. Looking for local prostitutes is essentially shitting where you live and he couldn't care less if you were going to bump into this woman in Tesco none the wiser. It would probably excite him. You deserve so much more than this Flowers

Mrsmummy90 · 13/10/2019 00:47

He wouldn't show you his profile because there would've been 100% proof of his infidelity.

He's pulled the wool over your eyes op! Take off the blindfold and kick his ass to the curb!!

MsDogLady · 13/10/2019 02:09

He is absolutely revolting. Do not allow him to manipulate and con you. He is looking for illicit sex by placing his profile on the hook-up site and by searching for local prostitutes. He intends to follow through and very likely has already.

He has degraded and made a mockery of you, your relationship, and your family. Tell him that his “Current Situation,” which he so contemptuously refers to, is over....and mean it.

Original poster
Battenburg11 · 13/10/2019 03:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’m writing this 3am as I just cannot sleep. My head is all over the place. I feel so sad for my children. We’re not yet married but I was hoping one day we would be. I so much want a normal family life in a loving relationship as I had a terrible childhood.

I don’t think he has actually been with a prostitute as his google history shows it was only recent and when I asked him, he said that he was googling it as he had suspicions that one of his patients was doing prostitution and I do remember him mentioning it to me a week or so ago when I was asking him about his day.

I’m scared of being a single mum and trusting another man but yet I want to be in a relationship as I have so much love to give and I want to be loved too.

I’ve lost friends as I’ve focused the last ten years on work and my child and it’s been difficult with his drinking.

I know he loves me and I sort of said we can stay together for the sake of the children but our relationship is dead and if either of us find someone else then he would need to move out. It’s my house anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Battenburg11 · 13/10/2019 03:27

I feel so alone.

OP posts:
Mintypea5 · 13/10/2019 03:34

He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't even dream of doing that. It's not just fantasy and ego boosting! He's actively trying to seek other people to have sex with behind your back.

Being a single parent is tough (I've done it!) but you deserve better than staying in a relationship with a man who would treat you that way. He's lying and manipulating you. Staying together for the kids but agreeing the relationship is dead is basically giving him a free pass to carry on living at home reaping all the benefits of your life while going around shagging other people! You've just given him permission to do it.

Mummaofmytribe · 13/10/2019 03:43

Ugh. Reading that made me feel sick, so fuck knows what it's done to you.
He's horrible OP. Years of supporting him through alcoholism and this is what you get in return???
Ffs get rid of him. He's an entitled, creepy, selfish prick.
You deserve so much better.

BitOfFun · 13/10/2019 03:50

Self-respect is much better company than a faithless lover.

Fizzysours · 13/10/2019 06:43

On his first post 'you know better than to do that' sounds a bit threatening. So as well as incredibly cheesy, cold heartedly calculating and completely dismissive of your relationship, he's a bit scary. Get rid of this dickhead cockwomble. Whatever the gender of your children, this is no role model.

Windygate · 13/10/2019 07:20

Good grief this prince amongst men is a medical professional! He's playing you for an absolute fool. Not sure what your confused about.

amiapropermum · 13/10/2019 07:27

Oh OP, please, please get rid. For you, but also for your children. He has checked out and is actively seeking flings. The way he writes about what he's looking for in a woman is so offputting - and that's when he's trying to impress - so I can only imagine what he's like at home. What an idiot he is.

You don't need to be around that and your children don't need to see that attitude towards you.

Mary1935 · 13/10/2019 07:37

He’s an alcoholic and going with prositutes or affair potentially.
Your self esteem must be on the floor.
Does he work? Do you need to work full time or could you work from home a couple of days a week.
You really need to think of your child/children.
What sort of role model is he.
I’d start looking at finances - his really - see how you could manage with maintainace and any child tax or working tax credit.
You need to focus on yourself - it’s sounds like he has been the focus.
You could look up Alanon or CODA.
He is a selfish bastard and it’s time for you to find the strength to put YOUR needs first.🌺

firstimemamma · 13/10/2019 07:52

LTB

DM1209 · 13/10/2019 08:01

Please let this 'man' go. You will find yourself again and in time, someone who will respect you and truly love you, not this warped reality that he is trying to brain wash you with.

I've been where you are.
Married 18 years and 3 children. Ex-husband had a 'mid-life' crisis where he was 'just looking' 'just drafting' - there was 'no spark' and I felt devastated, like I hadn't been able to please him and where we were was somehow my fault.

It transpired that he had met and had sex with 4 women off the internet and he held various profiles online.

I threw him out.

Fast forward and I am in a new career for which I commenced a law degree and got a 1st.
I am in a relationship with a man who is worthy of me as I know my worth and he too has my respect and loyalty.
My children are thriving and I am free and happy.

Please set yourself free.

Please find your worth.

Please remember that you are not a door mat.

Please leave him.

I'm happy for you to message me if it will help.

SprinkleDash · 13/10/2019 08:02

To be honest he’s not exactly a catch anyway is he! Alcoholic whose put you through hell no doubt, no spark and you take the brunt of the graft at home. Why not fuck him off anyway!? You’ll likely be happier in the long-run, your kids will be too.

If he was any otherwise amazing partner who’d had a lapse in judgement then ‘maybe’ it would be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt but he’s honestly not worth it.

Put the trash out!

category12 · 13/10/2019 08:39

It's good that you're not married considering your home is in your name. Keep it that way, fgs.

AnyFucker · 13/10/2019 08:55

Stay if you must but for fuck's sake don't marry this loser

Keep the house in your name. You will be glad of that when you come to your senses and realise the "happy family life" you crave will never be an option with him

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/10/2019 09:23

If he genuinely loved and respected you he'd not be doing this. It's sleazy, immature and shows a massive display of disrespect to you. All this even before doing anything. You've supported him through his alcoholism and this us how he thanks you Hmm

DonKeyshot · 13/10/2019 09:31

Am I missing something here?

He's an alcoholic sleazebag who has "patients"???!!!

He doesn't sound fit to practice and it's just a matter of time before he falls off the wagon. Fgs tell me that he's not responsible for the health or welfare of others, OP.

PickAChew · 13/10/2019 09:36

It's not even a spur of the moment thing. He's been planning this all year. I refuse to believe he hasn't followed through. Amazing that this all coincides with him being dry. He's just found another crutch.

Get that STI check and tell him he's free to seek all the thrills he likes but not from under your roof.

Noroof · 13/10/2019 09:38

You're no fake time waster and you're not a lady who is going to get cold feet and back out at the last minute. Please don't do it, and in any event if you a genuine mature woman you already know better than to do that.

Ugh... could this sound any more sleazy. Hes almost got a 'rapey' vibe going on.
I never comment on such threads but honestly... this man is a dick and your life and the kids would be so so much better off without him.

amiapropermum · 13/10/2019 11:09

From the tone of his profile it sounds like he has arranged to meet someone/people who have gotten cold feet and backed out. I don't think it would be in there if he were a total newbie who had never used these sites before

Notallitseemstobe · 13/10/2019 11:19

To be honest it sounds like many profiles I have read from me who had had affairs before.

He's been around for a while and being burnt. He's not new at this.

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