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Relationships

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Original poster

New partner adamant he doesn’t want kids, not sure what to do?

69 replies

jaffa678 · 11/10/2019 09:34

Back story:
I’m still in the early days of a relationship (5months) 2 weeks ago we told each other we are madly in love with one another. I’m 30 hes 39 and I have a 4 yr old, he has 4 and 7 year old. A few nights ago he said we’ve never had a conversation about babies.
So we had that conversation, and he asked me if I want kids and I said no I don’t, I have my daughter and I’m on my way to a good career so I just want to focus on my career. And he seemed relieved he said he really doesn’t want any more kids. He said he was worried with me being a lot younger I would want that family life. But then he did say he would never completely rule it out.

And I agreed saying I would never rule it out. And he was like I’m so glad we’re on the same page no more babies. But then I had a horrible sinking feeling and thought even though it’s not something I want now, what if I change my mind in a few years. So I brought it up again yesterday and I said I am still young-ish so don’t want to make any concrete decisions. He messaged back and said I would atleast consider it if it made you really happy.
But in the next breath he said Im defintley done with having kids I want to move onto the next chapter now and I don’t want to be changing nappies in my 40s and be an old dad. It’s been playing on my mind now.
He said the reason his marriage broke down was becuase life was really hard with 2 kids and he doesn’t ever want to jeopardise our relationship and wants us to remain close without complicating things. Which I really appreciate. But what if I do get further down the line and want another child? I wouldn’t want him to feel pressurised because he could grow to resent me, and I don’t want to rule something out in case my mind changes.
Any wise words of advice?

OP posts:

Ratbagcatbag · 11/10/2019 09:37

Walk away now. Before you blend families and it's much harder.

There is no compromise on it. It sounds like he's made his mind up and you haven't decided you're done yet.

This one isn't for you unfortunately.

pinkyredrose · 11/10/2019 09:40

Does he tick all your other boxes? I'd keep seeing him, you don't know how either of you will feel in a few yrs, you may or may not change your mind, he may or may not change his. It'd be a shame to lose a good relationship just because you don't know how the future will pan out.

Original poster

jaffa678 · 11/10/2019 09:49

@pinkyredrose He ticks every single box, from the get go, I have been looking for red flags (as was in an abusive relationship prior to this) but he’s the loveliest person I have ever met we’ve got such an amazing spark and connection between us. I didn’t want a relationship I wanted to remain single for a long time but he came along and completely changed my viewpoint on everything. I am really in love with him.
I agree with what you’ve said you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future it’s just a really niggly issue which I feel like I want to bring upto him again, but don’t want to keep going on about it. He said he would consider things if it made me happy, but two things are wrong with that 1. He’s either just telling me that to seem like he’s in agreement. And 2. He may do it but resent me for it further down the line.

OP posts:

RolyRolyRolyPoly · 11/10/2019 09:53

He's made his decision and you haven't. It's a good thing you both had this talk as many couples don't. It's up to you to decide if you want to stay for now and move on later if you change your mind and he doesn't or you leave now and find someone else who is also open to it/undecided for the future.
I completely get where both of you are coming from and neither of you deserve what you don't really want.

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 09:54

Would you regret leaving if 5 years down the line you decided you definitely don't want any more?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 09:59

You are 5 months in.
You are both on the same page at the moment.
Please enjoy this for what it is for now.
Don't over think.
Don't keep bringing it up.
He's made his feelings on it very clear.
Don't rush it all, just enjoy.

Grobagsforever · 11/10/2019 10:05

OP, you already have three kids between you. If you eventually blend families you will be asking them to accept a HUGE amount of change. Bringing another baby into the situation would be foolish at best and rather selfish at worst. Please engage with reality here. Your boyfriend is being extremely sensible and realistic. If you want more children then find a childless man. Blended families fail more often than not, why make it even harder?

Mimsnethe · 11/10/2019 10:10

He said the reason his marriage broke down was becuase life was really hard with 2 kids and he doesn’t ever want to jeopardise our relationship

I think it’s unusually that he’s gotten on to a relationship with someone who has children, based on the above.

Surely, the long term plan is to blend your families so he’ll be in a relationship and a life with 3 children?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/10/2019 10:12

If he ticks all boxes why ditch him for a baby you don't even know that you want? Plus, I fully get he does not want to have DCs at his age.

Mummaofmytribe · 11/10/2019 10:14

If he couldn't cope in a relationship because of the kids he already has, it doesn't seem a good indication for the future if you did have a child together at some point.
He could quite possibly find it all too hard for him again. He's pretty much said his last relationship ended because they had a family.

Original poster

jaffa678 · 11/10/2019 10:22

@hellsbellsmelons yeah I agree it is only 5 months in and everything has been great all light hearted and lots of fun. I think this is one of the first serious talks we’ve had and it’s just scared me.

I am glad we’ve had this talk, he said he would never rule it out completely but then he said no more kids, so I don’t know which is true?

It’s very true that I’ve always said I don’t want another child becuase I want to focus on my career. But it just hit home a little yesterday when he said family life wasent for him, I never want that option be taken away from me.

He struggled with family life he said his ex- was its completely changed (which I think is normal when kids come along) it’s just really bothering me now and I feel like I need another chat with him maybe?
I know we’re only 5months in but feel maybe we should have had this chat before we started to fall in love with each other as it seems a lot more difficult now.

OP posts:

Original poster

jaffa678 · 11/10/2019 10:29

Also a few weeks ago we were talking about where we both got inspiration from for our DC’s names and he said he really like some name for a boy and he said if I ever had another boy I would like that name. And he has said he would never say never, but then last night he said yeah I’m ready for the next chapter now I want holidays and to enjoy our time together and no more babies. I just feel a little confused

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 11/10/2019 10:34

I think 3 children between you is enough. I know thats not a popular opinion on these boards but there ya go. Why not just concentrate on the children you have, and do something else with your life?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/10/2019 10:43

But you confused him - you changed from 'no' to 'maybe'.

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 10:47

He probably changed his mind after thinking it through, like you did.

The fact you said no probably made him think and realise how nice it'll be having slightly older children, then fantasising about how much easier life is when your children are no longer babies.

Original poster

jaffa678 · 11/10/2019 10:47

@YetAnotherSpartacus I know that’s why I’ve said to him I don’t at this current time but things may change in the future. He said because things didn’t work out in his last relationship when kids come along he wants to be over protective of me and him and not change anything between us

OP posts:

Original poster

jaffa678 · 11/10/2019 10:48

I would just like to know if you were in the same situation what would you all do?

OP posts:

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 10:50

I think I'd stick it out if he ticks all the boxes and you see a future there.

1300cakes · 11/10/2019 10:53

I usually post on these type of threads to leave asap but in your case, you also don't want more kids. Maybe try to think to yourself whether it's really likely you will want another child, or if it's just a "want what you can't have" reaction. Have you considered that if your DP had told you he was keen for more, you might be posting here "help - DP wants kids and I don't".

I have completed my family but there is a slight sadness at times knowing I won't have another. However this doesn't reflect a genuine desire for another, it's just nostalgia for that cute baby stage, and me not wanting to be reminded that time moves on and I'm growing older. If you read a bit on here you'll see this feeling is common.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/10/2019 10:54

Honestly? He's 39. I'd accept that his baby days were over or nearly over. He does not want any more children. He 'might' change his mind, but he probably won't. OTOH you 'might' want another DC in the future. You might not. You are trading a possible good and sustainable relationship for an awful lot of maybes. Maybe you will find another man you love. Maybe he will want DCs. Maybe you will want DCs. Maybe you will still be fertile. Maybe he will be fertile...

Teenytinyvoice · 11/10/2019 10:57

I think you are still open to the idea of another child when the time is right.

He is not.

Which is most important to you?

I knew when I was done (no maybes at all), and would have hated to have the option shut down when I wasn’t done.

Another slight alarm bell for me is him saying he wants nothing to change between you ever. That’s not real life, I’d be worried it’s a set up for blaming any future problems on “things changing”, when in the real world things change all the time.

2Rebecca · 11/10/2019 10:59

You have 3 children between you. If they all go to university that can be expensive. Looking after the needs of kids from previous relationships and trying to blend families can be hard work without having new babies which can make children from previous relationships feel second best. Fitting more than 5 in a car is hard. If the relationship works I would try and persuade yourself that you have enough children

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 10:59

I would do exactly as I have advised already.
Enjoy what I have.
I currently don't want another child.
I wouldn't be stressing over something that may never happen or be an issue.

NWQM · 11/10/2019 11:07

Honestly. I'd do nothing but enjoy now.

Unless you are sure you want another child. If you are - or when you are - then make a decision. Big tick for me that he was open to a discussion. Thoughtful post the discussion and then come back to you and explained his thoughts.

For now you have a partner who ticks all the boxes. You are so happy that you have got the jitters by looking for a problem by thinking about the future. We've all been there.

You have no decision right now to make except to enjoy this relationship. Might not be your forever someone but sounds pretty good at the mom.

FloatingObject · 11/10/2019 11:10

You have 3 kids between you. Cant you put your energy and love into doing right by them, developing a passion in life, furthering your career, making a difference in society? Something? You know theres a climate emergency right? Be happy you have a great partner and kids already.

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