New partner adamant he doesn’t want kids, not sure what to do?

[jaffa678]

Back story:
I’m still in the early days of a relationship (5months) 2 weeks ago we told each other we are madly in love with one another. I’m 30 hes 39 and I have a 4 yr old, he has 4 and 7 year old. A few nights ago he said we’ve never had a conversation about babies.
So we had that conversation, and he asked me if I want kids and I said no I don’t, I have my daughter and I’m on my way to a good career so I just want to focus on my career. And he seemed relieved he said he really doesn’t want any more kids. He said he was worried with me being a lot younger I would want that family life. But then he did say he would never completely rule it out.

And I agreed saying I would never rule it out. And he was like I’m so glad we’re on the same page no more babies. But then I had a horrible sinking feeling and thought even though it’s not something I want now, what if I change my mind in a few years. So I brought it up again yesterday and I said I am still young-ish so don’t want to make any concrete decisions. He messaged back and said I would atleast consider it if it made you really happy.
But in the next breath he said Im defintley done with having kids I want to move onto the next chapter now and I don’t want to be changing nappies in my 40s and be an old dad. It’s been playing on my mind now.
He said the reason his marriage broke down was becuase life was really hard with 2 kids and he doesn’t ever want to jeopardise our relationship and wants us to remain close without complicating things. Which I really appreciate. But what if I do get further down the line and want another child? I wouldn’t want him to feel pressurised because he could grow to resent me, and I don’t want to rule something out in case my mind changes.
Any wise words of advice?

@jaffa678 so what would you say different though? Why are not happy with his reply?

You've asked him what would happen if you changed your mind. He has said he'd consider it.

I'm not sure really what more you or he can say at the minute. Do you?

Falling in love at most age is actually usually quite scary but I think gets harder not easier if you are in any way sensible.

If this is making you think that you do actually want children then that's a different thing.

He's only said he wouldn't rule it out because you said you might want kids and he doesn't want to lose you. He doesn't want more kids - he's just trying to give you hope so you won't leave.

NWMQ I just want him to know that I could seriously change my mind, and if I did it could potentially cause problems. I don't want him to think I was just testing him, because one day it may be a possibility for me. So I guess in a way I want him to take me serious on the issue. I'm just worried like @AllStarsBySmashMouth pointed out that: "He's only said he wouldn't rule it out because you said you might want kids and he doesn't want to lose you. He doesn't want more kids - he's just trying to give you hope so you won't leave"

Maybe if he had really strong feelings for him in a few years time, he might re-consider, but I wouldnt want it for the wrong reasons.

When I met my now DH, we both had come form failed marriages. I don't think either of us wanted more DC (just like you we have 3 between us). But as time passed and we realised that we had a massive "regret" (we couldn't change we met 15 years too late) that we weren't each others first and only spouse. We wanted our life together as if we've met in our 20s and that included having DC.

I'm about to give birth to our baby. And if our finances improve considerably we might even have a second (but doubt it so to take the temptation away he'll have the snip!)

What would worry me would not be the not wanting kids (because he seems like he might change his mind) but his saying his ex changed after having kids.

Because yes, of course she did. Everybody does. Unless they are not involving themselves in the life of those kids and expecting 'service as usual' from the kids' mum.

@Rainbowhairdontcare I love your story! Did you discuss children early on in the relationship? How was it blending a family together with three between you> What were there ages? I think because when we met I was 29, only just turned 30, it just made me think maybe I might want another child.

Fairly early on we discussed how we actually didn't like being parents!

We blended after a year. Our DC really love each other (my SD calls my DD sister). Things were bumpy for a couple of weeks when we announced the baby but they were on board, they even asked for a gender reveal.

They're 12, 9, and 7. We have them 50% of the time. So half the time were a family of 6 and half the time a family of 3.

@jaffa678 what do you think 'take you seriously' might look or sound like?

Perhaps it's a bigger broader conversation about 'where are going?' you actually want.

You sometimes read things like don't want to rush it or don't want to scare them off but I honestly think you can... well over think these things. If you are ready for 'the chat' then we are here cheering for you.

@NWMQ sorry to keep messaging you! haha. Well, the weird thing is at the beginning of our relationship (May) we were dating and I really didn't want anything serious, after coming out of a 11 year abusive relationship in the Dec. I made it very clear that I didn't want to put a label on things, I wanted to enjoy my freedom with my little girl and just have a few lighthearted drinks at the weekend. Fast forward it 3 months later and we went on a city break together and BAM! emotions I didn't know I had and feelings for him just completely hit me.

But I still made out I didn't want anything serious, he asked me to be his girlfriend on holiday, and everything still seemed alien even though I really liked him. Fast forward to September and I have fallen completely in love with you, it was always him in the beginning making an effort but now we're both extremely happy and he tells me he adores me and I am everything to him. So yes we are very happy.

Hes about to get own place and has hinted for me loads to help him decorate and go furniture shopping with him. And hes said a lot about he cant wait for the future with me. So I kind of feel like I know where were going but I don't think i've actually said those words to him, mid and long term what do you see for us?

So I think lately with my feelings growing really strong for him, this has probably made me view things in a different perspective?

Are you concerned that maybe you may not ever live together? Because you would get family life together with all 3 children if you lived together.

If he said his relationship failed due to the children he may never want to live together let alone have more children.

I think it's ok for you both to think no more children now with the option that you may change your minds later.

Unless you definitely want more children and want them now I think you are overthinking this a bit.

I don’t think he wants more children at all. Ever.

How much does he see his children and how involved is he and has he been?

@AllFourofThem He seems like a really good dad to his children now, he has them for two nights in the week for tea, and then has them either one night and the following day at the weekend or when his ex is away which seems to be a lot, he has them the whole weekend. He has holidays off in term time too to look after them.

He just says to me I admit I find parenting tough

Honestly...he sounds pretty together, honest (parenting is the toughest job I've ever done) & willing to work through stuff with you.

Unless there is something you are not saying I think you may want to try and enjoy 'hitting the jackpot' and not be too scared by it.

@NWQM it is the toughest job I've ever done, never realised it was going to be so tough! I'm glad he's honest about it. What do you mean by 'hitting the jackpot' Thank you for being so lovely on here

By hitting the jackpot I just meant that you seem to have found someone special.

Then perhaps he feels he has two children, has access to them and a good relationship. Therefore, he doesn’t want to risk another relationship ending because of having a baby especially when it isn’t something that he wants either.

It sends up red flags for me, guess what life with kids is hard and you don't get to bail because of that.

What is his relationship like with his kids now? I guess his ex does all of the actual parenting.

What will it be like if you do live together? If he didn't want family life with his own kids what makes you think he will be any good with your DD?

Similar situation here OP. New DP has completely ruled out any more DC’s which I agree is sensible for a whole host of reasons (the main one being we both have DC’s from previous marriages), plus careers, finances, our ages etc... So, I’m completely on board with no more DC.

But then he booked a vasectomy and privately I feel a bit sad and conflicted. Because I know I want to spend the rest of my life with DP so him having a vasectomy effectively means the end of my fertility/baby-making years. Which is quite a milestone to get your head round. However, keep reminding myself I don’t want another DC, and the wobbles I’m feeling are just because I soon will be in a position of that not being possible, iyswim? It’s about losing that as a potential option.

@Gingerkittykat His relationship seems good with his kids now, he sees them and spends a lot of time with them. There were a lot of other things wrong in his previous relationship, most notably his wife was suspected of having an affair. Hes invited us both round but I've not felt ready to introduce my little one just yet, but hopefully soon.

@RitmoRatmo sorry to hear that. Like you said, you dont want a baby but when the option is taken away I think it is hard.

I think at my age (just turned 30) is it really time to hang up the idea of the baby years?