New partner adamant he doesn’t want kids, not sure what to do?

[jaffa678]

Back story:
I’m still in the early days of a relationship (5months) 2 weeks ago we told each other we are madly in love with one another. I’m 30 hes 39 and I have a 4 yr old, he has 4 and 7 year old. A few nights ago he said we’ve never had a conversation about babies.
So we had that conversation, and he asked me if I want kids and I said no I don’t, I have my daughter and I’m on my way to a good career so I just want to focus on my career. And he seemed relieved he said he really doesn’t want any more kids. He said he was worried with me being a lot younger I would want that family life. But then he did say he would never completely rule it out.

And I agreed saying I would never rule it out. And he was like I’m so glad we’re on the same page no more babies. But then I had a horrible sinking feeling and thought even though it’s not something I want now, what if I change my mind in a few years. So I brought it up again yesterday and I said I am still young-ish so don’t want to make any concrete decisions. He messaged back and said I would atleast consider it if it made you really happy.
But in the next breath he said Im defintley done with having kids I want to move onto the next chapter now and I don’t want to be changing nappies in my 40s and be an old dad. It’s been playing on my mind now.
He said the reason his marriage broke down was becuase life was really hard with 2 kids and he doesn’t ever want to jeopardise our relationship and wants us to remain close without complicating things. Which I really appreciate. But what if I do get further down the line and want another child? I wouldn’t want him to feel pressurised because he could grow to resent me, and I don’t want to rule something out in case my mind changes.
Any wise words of advice?

I do agree with what everyone is saying. I think maybe a part of me just misses family life from my last relationship at times, not him at all as he wasent the best person to live with but the family unit, even though it was really stressful at times.

We have a really good relationship so I don’t want to jeopardise things, and I’ve got a stronger desire to be in this relationship than to have another child. I’m a PhD student also and I’m
Working so hard for my career so I know a baby is not practical. I just think I’m still young and I may change my mind. But like everyone’s saying I would not be prepared to leave this relationship (see that as a bit extreme) for a family elsewhere. I’m just scared one day it could all go to pot, but nobody knows the future.

he wants to be over protective of me and him and not change anything between us
I've a little niggle you're being love bombed.

@NWQM thank you, your post has really made me realise I am extremely happy at the moment so I’m looking for a negative. Like you said, if the situation ever arises I can make a decision then, not now. Even though it’s been playing on my mind do you think I should broach him one last time and saying I’m just being really honest that my mind set may change in the future but not now. Or just not bring this up again anytime soon?

@justmuddlingalong why do you think that?

When DH and I got together we were both “maybes”. When, a couple of years later I wanted to discuss having kids, he had become a definite, categorical no, not even willing to discuss it.

I did make me wonder if he’d always been no, and he just said maybe at the beginning so we seemed on the same page.

I’d say, at least he’s been honest with you from the outset. If you think there’s a good possibility you’ll want more children, think very carefully how you go forward.

I thought we’d weathered the difference,mbut now I realise it’s a crack that will eventually drive us apart, it’s just a question of time. I’m just about done.

I did make me wonder if he’d always been no, and he just said maybe at the beginning so we seemed on the same page

But were you always really yes?

You're in the honeymoon period. Once you've met each others kids, blended your family, moved in together and get into a routine, things will change. If he loves you and your relationship how it is now, and doesn't want to change it, he will be disappointed when it inevitably does change.

@OliveOwl sorry to hear that you’ve gone through that. It’s weird you say how you both wanted to appear on the same page, as I felt like that’s what he was doing. Because at first he was like I would never say never and then next day he was like defintley no more babies for me.

It’s a huge decision to make and like you say you don’t want to end up resenting each other. That’s why these conversations are good at the beginning but then people change their minds also. Hope you find happiness soon

He said the reason his marriage broke down was becuase life was really hard with 2 kids and he doesn’t ever want to jeopardise our relationship and wants us to remain close without complicating things

I read this as the kids meant he was no longer centre of attention and became resentful having to parent. Surprised he'd even want to be a step parent tbh.

He doesn't want kids. The bullshit about maybe one day blah blah is merely to placate to into shutting up about it.
If you want another baby in 5 years you will need to find someone else.

If I was in your situation I would do what you said originally, enjoy what ye have and focus on your career.

@Whatsnewpussyhat he said kids were one of the reasons where cracks shown up, but he also suspected his wife of having an affair. So maybe its a mix of things.

His 'maybe' is whats worrying me about just shutting me up for now haha to get on with the honeymoon period.

I get what you mean Yet. And I do think he’s as entitled to change his mind as I am. And I wouldn’t have been bothered about that.

It’s just looking back, and also taking into account other things (how he’s been with me on other things, how he is with other people), I do see a pattern of him saying what he thinks other people want to hear, or saying he’s in the same place they are, in order to get what he wants out of a situation. It’s more that than the change of position.

What also really got to me was that he just dismissed my wanting to discuss it, wasn’t even prepared tO talk to me about it or explain why he’d changed his mind.

I wasn’t always yes. My mum and dad split up when I was about three, it was a long acrimonious divorce and it really affected how I viewed relationships. After my mum died I went to grief counselling, a lot of my childhood stuff about the divorce came up through that and I worked out my feelings. That was what enabled me to get into a serious relationship and get married in the first place. Then I got more therapy later and realised that, although I wasn’t someone who desperately wanted kids/couldn’t live without them, I could see how it would be one way to build a satisfying, worthwhile life and I wanted to be able to discuss that as an option for our future. The “No I don’t want children and I refuse to say why” response I got really shocked me. Not even to be prepared to tell me the reasons why he didn’t want them. It was so dismissive. And again, now I’m noticing a pattern around big decisions which is he thinks about it, makes up his mind what he wants, won’t compromise, won’t discuss it either before or voter the decision, and if what I want is different then it’s just dismissed. It doesn’t happen often, but he makes a lot of decisions privately and just puts them into operation, never even brings them up for discussion, and by the time I realise what is in train, it’s too late to do anything about it.

Olive - OK. I do get you now. That is unfair and must be frustrating .

I think I would assume most forty year old people with 2 children and a failed marriage would not want more children, as a default. And they would be looking for a different sort of relationship from someone in their 20s who didn’t have children.

I don’t think he is love bombing but he does come with baggage. His children and the failed marriage. I am not saying there is anything wrong with what he wants. I understand the position and have been there. There is no judgement to having children and a failed marriage either. But these are issues in his life and he is being honest about it.

Frankly I would be more worried about someone like him wanting to redo the traditional family. It would smack of him not being responsible for the family he already has.

You both have children and that complicates your lives and their lives. I would have thought focusing on how you manage that situation as being more important than a possible child that neither of you actively wants.

I would ask him what he wants in medium and long term. He may be content with a less involved role than you are anticipating.

@OliveOwl That is really unfair on you, he sounds like he has changed a lot, by totally disregarding your feelings and thoughts. Are you still together then now or have you split up?

@LemonTT thanks for your comment. Yeah I suppose it would be more worrying if he wanted to rush into a family straight away again after admitting his previous failings.

I think I need to sit down and ask him what he wants medium and long term. He brought up about introducing our families soon, he said he thought it would be lovely if we could all get together and have time together at the weekends. And then he told me that when i stay over I could bring my DD to stay too. So in that respect hes trying to maybe start blending a family together.

Thank you jaffa678 and Yet. We’re still together, but I’m not sure for how long. This thread has really hit a nerve with me and I’m howling. I’ve been trying to resolve how I feel about this for a while. And the not including me in decisions thing is still there, in fact it’s getting more frequent and more pronounced. I think I’m going to have to leave him, because it’s never going to change and I cannot let myself be treated like that.

Sorry for the derail, this has really caught me off guard.

@OliveOwl sorry its hit a nerve, but I hope its helped you make a decision which is ultimately going to benefit you. Rather than makng any rash decisions why don't you say to him you want a break, and do you have family and friends you could stay with?

It might help your thought process if you remove yourself from the situation, also it might make him realise that he has taken you for granted, and might give him a kick up the bum and make him realise a few home truths.

No need to be sorry jaffa- I replied to your thread because I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like I do now a few years down the line. And this has definitely done me some good.

I do need to get out of here, unfortunately my family are all gone now.
Friends are a possibility but most of them have their hands full with their own lives at the moment. I might just go to a hotel for the weekend and think through what I need to do.

Anyway, good luck with your own situation.

@jaffa678 If you did say something else would you be saying something different?

I suppose if this is really playing on your mind then yes - of course - you should be able to talk to him but I think you need to work out why it is playing on your mind.

You both already have children. You are both at a point in your lives where you want / need to get the balance right between family / personal development / relationships. You are both happy so seem to be getting that balance right.

Is there anything more to worry about?

It's an honest question not being goady or anything. Are you starting to see other cracks in the plan of building a life together for true forseeable future?

Maybe don't talk to him. Talk to 'us' or real life friends whilst you figure it.

@OliveOwl A hotel for the weekend sounds like a good idea it may give you that headspace you need. I hope you manage to make a decision that will benefit you. You only get one life and need to put yourself first. If you want to inbox me over the weekend to get things off your chest and just talk your very welcome to. Good luck x

What would concern me is he said things fell apart with his ex because they had children. You have a child and long term I assume you would be living together. I would want to know what he disliked about his previous relationship after children. If it was her putting the kids first and him feeling he didn't get enough time with her then I would be worried about bringing him into a house with your daughter. Some men resent the time and energy mothers put into their children and this resentment is pushed onto the child. He will have his own children, but probably a lot less than he would had he stayed with their mother. At the moment all is fun and lovely, will that change when the nice newness fades and you go into the day to day with your child needs coming first?

Tbh with you I would enjoy things as they are but I wouldn't start blending families yet. Just keep things seperately and revisit in another year.

@NWQM I think if I was going to say something to him it may be a little different; I messaged him yesterday and said 'this will probably make you sweat a little, but if one day I miracously woke up and changed my mind and did want a child what would you say?' And his reponse was 'well I would atleast consider it if it made you happy I suppose'

But then I didnt really delve into it. I think because the relationship has been really light hearted and I'm really laid back and I said I really want to focus on my career. He probably just took my message as being really jokey, because I am quite a jokey, light hearted person. But it set something off inside, and I dont want to scare him but I just want him to know I could change my mind in the future. Rather than get down the line and for him to say you told me you wanted a career..

I would say we are very happy, I wouldn't necessarily say I can see 'cracks' but I can see things being difficult with blending a family, but I suppose I've never had to do this before, so everything's going to feel very alien.

Thank you to everyone on this board, it really helps talking