Do you have a much younger half-sibling?

[Sisterissues2019]

I'm looking for opinions and advice please from people who have much younger half-siblings, or who maybe are that half-sibling.

My 4 year old daughter has two older half-sisters who are 19 and 22.

I’ve been with their father for 9 years, married for 5. I was not the other woman and there were several years between my husband’s divorce and us getting together.
I have a distant but cordial relationship with my step-daughters’ mother, there have never been any issues (that I’m aware of). I get on well with my step-daughters, but they rarely keep in contact with us (despite our efforts, which are not over the top).
They seem to get on with my husband when they see him, but that’s hardly ever as they refuse or ignore any suggestions of meeting up. My husband has always paid maintenance and maintained contact as much as possible. My step daughters live about half an hour’s drive away.

Step-daughters have met my daughter once, not long after she was born, but haven’t seen her in nearly 4 years.

I suppose what I’m trying to understand is if you have a younger half-sibling, what might be your reasons for not wanting to have a relationship with them? I can of course think of some potential reasons, but I want to understand it from the point of view of the older sibling. I’m an only child so have limited understanding of sibling relationships.

They aren’t interested in seeing her and don’t remember her birthday or anything like that. I guess it’s up to them, but personally I think it’s shame and they are all missing out. When my daughter is old enough to understand I will be honest with her, and although I wouldn’t say anything bad about her sisters, I would have to say I’m not sure why they don’t keep in touch.

Any advice welcome, thank you

I have a half brother. I was 13 when he was born. To be bluntly honest I never felt any connection with him. He was just a kid my dad had with someone that wasn't my mum (perhaps because she was the OW this altered things as I had zero time for my dad). Growing up I saw him when I had too (every six weeks or so when my dad turned up). However I never felt a thing for him. Never talked to him on the phone, anything. When I left for uni I cut off contact with my dad and ultimately him and I'll be honest I thought I would miss him but I haven't. Most of my life was without him, so from your dSc's point of view it could be similar- there just is no connection and they don't want to force one just because their dad has had a child with someone else. It doesn't mean they are horrible or anything, just that they have their own lives, just like their dad has his. I hope it doesn't read harshly, its not meant to be.

Thanks Kanga, and no that doesn't sound harsh at all. I appreciate your honesty and I think you've hit the nail on the head with your theory.

I had a younger half sibling and when I was a teenager I just wasn't interested in anyone's babies or children. I don't want to be rude but I know that us mums think our children are the most incredibly interesting people in the world whereas other people don't. Maybe it's that.

I have three half-siblings whom I adore like my own children, but do not feel a strong connection to my dad. I’m 30 and they are 13, 8 and 6. I do like my Dad’s wife (3rd wife). I have my own children aged 7 and 5 - they are great friends with their “aunt and uncles”.

I was 17 when my first half-brother was born and had always been very maternal. I was thrilled to have a real life baby to play with and frequently had him for the weekend, etc.

If I were not maternally inclined I don’t think I’d have bothered.

Not me.

But my best friend is my dps older half brother. She introduced us. He is 12 years older.

They are quite close. But dps mum walked out leaving him and his older sisters. So do grew up in the same house as his half sister.

Because his mum left, dp grew up in the same house as his half sister. The older 2 moved out by the time the half sibling was born. He admits that in his late teens and twenties they drifted apart.

They are close now. Dp is close to his half sister than his full sisters. Dp is 40 and she is 28.

But part of the reason they are close, is that I am very close to her as well lost of socialising is done with her and her husband.

I have a much older half brother who was 16 when I was born (my dad’s first marriage). Honestly, they will not miss out having little to no relationship. On one hand, it’s very sad your dh has such a limited relationship with his children. If they’ve met your dd once in 4 years, his relationship with them is pretty non existent, or he would be involving them in his life. They may be old enough to have chosen not to be involved but obviously no one with a healthy relationship with a dad who is close to them does that. Certainly, my dad wasn’t a good parent to my half brother and that’s why we never saw him. My dad just wasn’t interested.

Fwiw, that feeling eventually turned towards me. He was emotionally distant from his older child and eventually became the same with me. My parents divorced and he only saw me maybe 3 times a year. I saw my brother maybe 4 times between about 6 and 18. He grew up to be a pretty shit person and the last time I saw him was at the legal proceedings over my dad’s estate when I was 18 (my dad died quite young). No love lost. He was not real family to me anyway and I don’t feel like anything has been missing from my life not really knowing him. He’s nearly 60 and I’m nearly 40. We’ve had perfectly happy lives without each other. The relationship that really matters is the parental one - as long as your dd and her dad have a good relationship, great. Hopefully he can make the effort to cultivate the same sort of relationship with his older children.

I have a half brother who is 18 years younger, he could be a stranger to be honest, we never lived in the same house, went to the same school, had the same hobbies etc

What Kanga83 said for me. I have 3 half siblings but I was 19 and away at university when the oldest one was born. My father and I had a difficult relationship and their mother was the OW he had left for. I've been completely NC with him for 15 years now, haven't seen the oldest one since they were 4 and have never set eyes on the other two - I only know they exist as my cousin told me. I have nothing against them at all but equally I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with them. I don't feel any connection to them at all - the age gap is huge, I'm old enough to be their mother, so I wouldn't have anything in common with them as siblings. I'm not 'missing out' on anything and nor are they - I have my life and they have theirs.

This has happened in a branch of our family. The dad’s eldest from his first marriage is around 20 years older than his youngest with his second. The eldest had kids young and hers are around the same age as her younger half siblings. They’re all very close, and the eldest is close with her dad’s partner despite her being OW, I think partly because they bonded over their kids. They have helped each other out with babysitting, and the eldest has more of an aunt relationship with her youngest siblings.

I’m sure every situation is different, but this dad was very close to his kids and continued to see them very regularly after separating from his ex. They were surprisingly understanding about his affair.

I have a much younger half sibling. I used to be involved a lot as I was always maternal even as a teen. I looked after her and took her out, always made an effort, visited and got on well with her mum. When my dad and her mum split, I didn't really visit anymore. I realised as I got older that my half sibling was pretty selfish and we had nothing in common due to the age gap. Her and her DC are the golden ones, me and my DCs are basically ignored and yes, part of me is resentful.

I'm honestly just not that bothered about her.

I have 4 kids
Eldest was 10 when half brother was born.

All kids get on and saw a lot of each other when younger.

When eldest moved out few years ago they rarely see each other but that because they all living miles away from each other.

Last Christmas das and dd spent Christmas with us and got on fine.

I have a younger half brother, there's 10 years between him and me, and 17 years between him and my eldest sister (with multiple other siblings between). There has never been any issue with our relationships, I don't recall us ever call him a half brother, he's always just been our brother.

There were definitely some points where it was harder to include him, especially at the ages of your SDs. There probably isn't much crossover of interests yet, but as your DD gets older and your SDs mature, there will be more opportunity for them to build a relationship. Maybe try inviting them for dinner on a semi-regular basis, give them a chance to slowly gain a relationship with your DD, with no pressure.

I think there are lots of older siblings who struggle to see subsequent babies from their parents’ new relationships as relevant or interesting... but I was 13 & 14 when my sisters were born, and like a pp already very maternal. My other sister (11/12) was the same and we LOVED having babies to play with. Our step mum was really hard work and unpleasant and they split when the girls were 4&5, just before I went to uni. My dad has many failings but to give him his dues, he would drive miles across the country to pick them up and bring them to see us very regularly.

Now we are all 39,37,26 & 24 and we are so close! We are sisters... we may not have lived together but us older ones were stable protective adults to them when their parents were busy fighting bitter divorce battles, and they were fun & gorgeous children who loved us unconditionally throughout our teens and twenties. They ran to us for cuddles when they fell over... we started giving them advice when they got older... they were our bridesmaids and are the best fun aunties to our own babies. We go on an annual spa day together. Weirdly my younger full, and older half sisters are way closer and similar, whereas my youngest sister and I are more independent but she taught my daughter to surf and cheered on her football match recently!

I don’t know if that was just us. And the difficult dynamic they have with their mum means they need us more than if she was functional. And whether my dad’s insistence on supporting us to see each other in the face of my stepmum’s dismay was a factor. We couldn’t have sustained the relationships without that parental logistical support AT ALL. But I feel SO lucky to have three sisters instead of just one.

I have 2 half siblings and completely different relationships with them. My dad had an affair and then child with OW and didn't bother with maintaining a relationship with me or my other full sibling and as a result I don't know my half sibling on that side well, see each other max twice a year (13 year gap).

My mum also had another child (18 year gap) and we are much closer but it's more like an aunty relationship and look after them and take on holidays etc.

My "full" brothers are almost ten years older than me and never really bothered with me. Even now, we see each other at family occasions but don't speak outside of these. There have been times where we've gone almost a year without seeing each other.

I have two half siblings, both much younger than me. Their mum was the Ow. I am extremely close to them both and never describe them as my ‘half sisters’ ever. I’d be devastated if for whatever reason we didn’t have a relationship.

My dd has half siblings but due to distance won’t see them very much. It’s something DP and I talk about A lot. Living closer would mean a better relationship with her siblings.

There's nearly 21 years between me and my half sister. I was living in another town when she was born and only since having my own children have we lived anywhere near them. I see her every couple of months when I see my dad. She adores my DC (a few years younger) who adore her also but we don't have a very close relationship - we're relatives but not a sibling bond like I had with my older half brother, it's more like a niece/aunt relationship. Our lives are completely different, her childhood nothing like mine at all - and I never lived with my dad, so their family unit is entirely separate to mine if that makes sense. If she'd been my mother's child I imagine it would have been different.

I don’t but my DS has half siblings on both sides and he has no relationship with his dad’s sons and doesn’t really consider them his brothers because he never sees them but is extremely close to his sister (my DD) as he has lived with her since she was a baby. For him it’s about the relationship rather than the fact they share DNA if that makes sense

Babies and little children just aren't very interesting to most teenagers.

I think the relationship with the child follows from that with the shared parent. If they see each other regularly, some sort of relationship will develop.

They may become closer when the youngest one is grown-up, early 20s, as that's the first time they'll be on a level with each other, developmentally and socially. Though, if it's a huge gap, so the older ones are already parents or approaching middle age when the younger ones are in their early 20s, that might not happen.

I have a much younger half brother. I felt/feel no connection to him at all. It always felt odd when my dad referred to him as my brother, like he was trying to fake something. I hardly saw my dad between the age of 18 to 35 but that all turned round when I had my DD and he and his wife became really lovely grandparents. Still don’t care for my half brother though.

There's 16 years between me and my youngest sister. DPs youngest brother is 18 years younger than him. Me and DP also have a young toddler and our young siblings are really close to him in age and just general closeness.
It is a sibling relationship and we love them with all our hearts, but we parent them like we parent our son to be honest.
Me, DP, my mum and MIL all help one another out and basically call them "the kids" rather than treat them as siblings. They're just the children of the family and are treated as such.
We are definitely close but we all manage child care/inset days/our work patterns around one another so we all look after one another's kids different days if you see what I'm saying.
I treat my siblings and son exactly same.

I have a younger half sibling and have tried to form a relationship. But I have a very poor relationship with my Dad (our shared parent) and his wife has gone out of her way to make any contact very difficult. We basically are related strangers.
My DD has 2 half siblings but they've all lived together, we continue to see them often and they all know each other and care for each other.

Not me but DH does. He is the eldest of 3 full brothers (38, 36 and 22) and has an 11 year old half brother from.his dad's second marriage. Out of the 3 full siblings my DH is the closest to his half brother but that's because he works in the family business so sees his dad every day and his step mum looks after our DD aged 6 after school so she spends a lot of time with her uncle. We actually took him.on our family holiday abroad with us this year. I have more of an aunty type relationship with him I would say.

I am 37 and my half sister (we share the same dad) is 22 and my other half sister (we share the same mum) is 47 so I see it from both perspectives, being the older sister in one dynamic and the younger in another. I love both of my sisters as if they were full siblings (even though they aren't related to each other - complicated!) because I don't know any different and to me, this is what having sisters feels like. I must say that when my younger sister was very little and I was a teenager, I did a fair amount of babysitting and that was really it. It's only now that our lives are more similar eg. she has her own home and a job etc that we're closer. Likewise with my older sister I can see that as I grew up, we had more in common. So if you would like a closer bond with your stepdaughters and your daughter, then I would encourage some family time together as much as possible and as much as they are willing. Sunday roasts, picnics, beach trips etc. Make the older girls feel like they have something to contribute to their little sister's life and that you value their presence as role models in the family. My mum and dad have been instrumental at helping to build relationships with my siblings, especially during teenage years when their priorities don't tend to be the family so much. I realise that's hard not to put pressure on, but maybe a fun activity like bowling or something that everyone can join in with might be a good start.

I would be surprised if they did have a good relatuonship. They don’t seem to have a close relationship with their dad or you...so why would they with your children. Being family is more than just the blood tie - it’s who you make a priority in your life.