Do you have a much younger half-sibling?

[Sisterissues2019]

I'm looking for opinions and advice please from people who have much younger half-siblings, or who maybe are that half-sibling.

My 4 year old daughter has two older half-sisters who are 19 and 22.

I’ve been with their father for 9 years, married for 5. I was not the other woman and there were several years between my husband’s divorce and us getting together.
I have a distant but cordial relationship with my step-daughters’ mother, there have never been any issues (that I’m aware of). I get on well with my step-daughters, but they rarely keep in contact with us (despite our efforts, which are not over the top).
They seem to get on with my husband when they see him, but that’s hardly ever as they refuse or ignore any suggestions of meeting up. My husband has always paid maintenance and maintained contact as much as possible. My step daughters live about half an hour’s drive away.

Step-daughters have met my daughter once, not long after she was born, but haven’t seen her in nearly 4 years.

I suppose what I’m trying to understand is if you have a younger half-sibling, what might be your reasons for not wanting to have a relationship with them? I can of course think of some potential reasons, but I want to understand it from the point of view of the older sibling. I’m an only child so have limited understanding of sibling relationships.

They aren’t interested in seeing her and don’t remember her birthday or anything like that. I guess it’s up to them, but personally I think it’s shame and they are all missing out. When my daughter is old enough to understand I will be honest with her, and although I wouldn’t say anything bad about her sisters, I would have to say I’m not sure why they don’t keep in touch.

Any advice welcome, thank you

I do :)

I probably stopped seeing my half-siblings as much when I was around that age. It wasn't that I didn't want to see them - I was just busy with my life, which wasn't especially organised or planned, crap at keeping in touch/up with anyone I didn't see every day, my dad didn't especially try to stay in regular touch, and it didn't occur to me to initiate contact more often.

It is a shame, because when they were first born I'd had this idea that I would be such a cool aunty type figure in their lives and when they were older they could come and stay/I might be an adult who didn't seem as threatening as "real" adults but it just didn't work out that way, and partly that was my own fault really.

They are teenagers now and we get on and probably meet up once every couple of years but we're not as close as I thought we'd be.

They're 19 and 22 - they're young adults running round with their heads full of uni or work or blokes or whatever. Of course they're not particularly interested in a 4yr old, especially if they're not interested in keeping close ties with their father either.

When you say your DH has "maintained contact as much as possible", I don't mean to cast aspersions on him, but does that mean there wasn't a regular and frequent pattern of contact when they were young? I think it can be really hard to develop a relationship with a stepfamily if the relationship with the NRP is not there, that is the crucial link really.

Also in some ways the NRP's second family can feel like a massive rejection/slap in the face for the children of the first marriage. There was so much I found hard about this, even though I have always got on with my stepmum fantastically and had a great relationship with my half-siblings when they were little. It just feels difficult to see somebody else getting the attention and time from your Dad that you felt you missed. In my case it was compounded because my Dad was really bitter about maintenance and money and seemed to begrudge giving any money "to" my Mum while totally and utterly failing to see that when he withheld stuff from her he was withholding it from us - or that she had made massive sacrifices to her earning power by taking time out to have children, or that she was hugely constrained as to what work she could take on as a single parent to two children, with health issues. OK, I didn't see it exactly like that at the time, but we weren't stupid and we could tell that Dad + SM (and therefore, the DC when they came along) had a much nicer, more comfortable lifestyle than we had and yet we were getting quizzed all the time, not at all discreetly, about what kinds of things our Mum spent money on and why we couldn't ask her to just change the maintenance agreement to cash and so on. And to be fair - my stepmum is probably the higher earner in the relationship, but still - jealousy exists between all siblings and nobody tries to address this one because it's such a taboo you're not really supposed to talk about it.

Sometimes there can just be really insensitive comments as well. I don't remember any specific comments off the top of my head, but I remember very clearly a conversation with my ex's stepfather, when he described an interaction with his daughter from his first marriage, when he introduced his wife and daughter from his second marriage as "my new family", and was completely baffled as to why his older daughter took offence. Sometimes because men have a habit of compartmentalising, I don't know if your DH did this of course, but sometimes it's almost like something shuts off in their brain and they think well that family didn't work out, I'll just start this new one then and my old one doesn't really matter any more. I'll still see the kids because I love them but my new family is my new chance to be a Dad again. The kids feel that and it is such a massive rejection and it really hurts. You sometimes see it on posts on here as well where it's like stepmothers expect their partner's other children to be second class in relation to their own children who she considers to be his "real" children.

I don't know how to put that right or how it can be avoided, I'm not offering any solutions here, but it does sometimes feel awful to be the children from the first marriage if the Dad is more involved with his children from his second marriage.

I think they are uninterested, for whatever reason, at having much of a relationship with their dad and so aren't interested in the rest of you. At that age, they really wont be interested in family stuff either. I think people are quite self-centred at that age and are just busy doing their own thing. It's sad but the damage was probably done some time ago.

i have a younger HB & HS. They are 14 and 15 years younger than me. Both now late 20s. I feel nothing. I was always quite a sensible teen and they are just spoilt brats. My HB has never worked a day in his life and she has done nothing but find new boyfriends and have children with them. I adore their mother (my Stepmum) but just have no time for them. I think the gap was too big. By the time they were talking and interacting I had gone off to university. I havnt spoken to my HB in around 7 years (no argument, just dont speak to him, nothing in common and never in the same place at the same time. Hes also never met or acknowledged my children). My HS messages when she wants something or wants to show off or lie. Her latest one was when my DM passed away she messaged asking for my address (that she already has) to send flowers. No flowers ever arrived. Its over and over she does weird things like this though. She also goes to great lengths to tell our mutual family members "oh I must get HSs address to send X, Y, Z". then nothing materializes. ever. But theyre left thinking she did it. Other than that she keeps her distance.

I have 2 half sisters who are quite a bit younger than me - 12 &14 years.
My SM completely changed towards me when she had her first 'own' baby
My DF is rubbish, still saw him but not as often as before, and, like pp said never really was able to develop any relationship with them - they spend a huge amount more time with SM's family that DFs, and even now I have DC, DF sees her 1/2 times per year and she wouldn't recognise her Aunties.
Last Christmas was the first time I ever got a present from my 'DSis' - they are mid 20's now. They've never even sent me a birthday card not to mention present, don't write their own name in my cards - I have been expected to buy them presents since I was quite young as I got Saturday jobs growing up. They never did, they got pocket money and loads of £ spent on them.
Sorry - there's so much more but it has already turned into a rant.

I think unless you live together as siblings in the same house or see them really regularly during the childhood years then the sibling connection doesn't really form at all.

I found out I had an older half sister when I was around 20, she was almost 30, she had known about us and wanted to meet us, but when I found out about her and we met it became very apparent that she didn't have an interest in really getting to know me at all, it was a way to be close to my dad. I'm not sure if it was the same when she was younger or if she genuinely did have an interest in getting to know us properly back then.

I know a few full siblings where there are very large age gaps and they never lived with their younger siblings at all, or they were babies when they moved out, they say they feel more like an aunt or uncle to the child rather than brother or sister, so it's not something that just happens among half siblings. They would tend to see them occasionally but generally because they might go back to their mothers for Christmas etc. It's hard to know if they would make the effort to go see them if they didn't live in their mothers house!

If your stepdaughters aren't bothered seeing their dad then I'd say this is simply as a result of that, because sibling bonds generally seem to only form in childhood with frequent contact.

I'm the younger half sibling.
2 much older sisters.
Honestly OP we arent close, have not a thing in common. But it's never bothered me and I dont think it bothers either of them.

Haven't read the thread, just the OP. I'm the youngest half sibling.. 26 years between the oldest and myself.

I have a half sister 20 years my junior. We are very close and I have never viewed her as a “half sibling”. She’s my sister.

Also should add we have never lived in the same house.

Given the almost non existent relationship they have with their father it would be strange if they had one with your daughter.

The choice to have a child with another woman wasn’t theirs to make and so I can understand why they don’t bother.

Your daughter is a sibling to them in name only.

There’s nothing to understand, they are allowed to make the choices they have made.

It's solely down to the age gap. They are young and in that period of life where babies/young children just don't factor in

I'm not sure what you expected with age gap being what it is?

I have 3 half-siblings - age gap of 18, 20 and 23 years. My brother was born a month after my twin and I moved out for uni, so we lived together in the holidays and only part-time at that, but we’re still just family - love them, tease them, babysit, drive them places. I’m now 36 and they’re 17, 15 and 12, and we all slot in when we see each other. The difficulty is distance - we live 3 hours drive away, although hopefully next year my brother is coming to uni in my city. I’ll probably only see him when he’s hungry then, though! We’re always delighted to see each other and my kids adore them.

We had a prickly relationship with our stepmother and actually, our palpable delight in the kids helped - we would come home for holidays and spend hours playing with them and she could see that we loved them.

My mum had two much younger half sisters. We saw a good bit of them growing up but ultimately my mum had nothing in common with them so they do keep in touch but it wasn't a close relationship.

NC for this one so not to out myself

I’m 41 & have a 16 yr old brother (half but hate that term) I have a 16 year old DD! My Dad told me his partner was pregnant shortly after I had my DD. I love my little brother he probably embarrassed by his much older siblings!! Effort has to be made and I do occasionally make sure I act like a big sister - dead arm, a little teasing but all done for fun! He also has a close sibling type relationship with my children and niece and nephews.

I also have two much younger step siblings and sadly I don’t have as close relationship (I don’t even know there birthdays) we all polite no fall out but no relationship. I guess the big age gap and there Dad being a EOW Parent we gave them the space to spend that time together growing up and respected that (we’d all left home by then) so would see our Mum around them to be fair.

Families are a big mix of different personalities it takes effort and as long as everyone is happy with the choices they make no problems

I have three younger half siblings, one from my mum's second marriage and two from my dad's, with age gaps of 11, 16 and 18 years respectively.

I had a prickly relationship with stepmother, but she and my dad have since separated. I've always got on well with my siblings and loved it when they were born. When my brother was born (my mum's child) I was a total second mother to him and absolutely adored every bit of it, and my jealous friends would come over all the time to play with the baby. He's now mid-30s.

As with TooExtraImmatureCheddar, my dad's second family made it much easier for me to visit their house, as there were lovely babies/ toddlers / small children to play with, and now they're late twenties and up, I have a brilliant relationship with them, as do my kids. I sent my teen son to stay with my sister (the youngest) when he was doing work experience in her city and they both had a great time.

However, there were times when I was distracted with just being in my 20s or whatever and didn't have as much time for them as I do now. Relationships change enormously as people grow up, and I hope this will happen for your dd too.

I think if they aren’t actually living together then they’re unlikely to have any bond really.

I have two step brothers who are 15 plus years older than me, from my dads first marriage. Growing up I saw them maybe once a week for a few hours. I didn’t feel any connection to them. I certainly didn’t feel they were family to me. When my mum and dad divorced when I was 13 I never saw them again and now aged nearly 40 I have no desire to have contact with them. But I don’t have a good relationship with my dad either - 2/3 min phone calls every 6 weeks or so and it’s always been that way since I was about 16. So that side of my family feels very separate.

I have 2 children with a large age gap between them (10 years) and it’s a different situation entirely. Although they are half siblings they are both living together, growing up together (they are 17 and 7 now) and there is a real bond between them. They are very much brother and sister. So it does depend on the situation.

DH has an 8 year old and 10 year old sibling. He sees them infrequently because they live up north. He's more like their Uncle than brother but our older kids know they are their Uncle and Aunt. They came and stayed a few times. We'll see them over Xmas.

Someone who shares a parent with you isn't a step sibling. They are a half sibling or just a sibling.

In DH's Caribbean family,half siblings are a norm. Many people have no "full" siblings. All this drama and tension around the dynamics is largely a "white people" thing I've discovered.

I'm the younger half sibling.
I have a wonderful relationship with all my half sisters.
They are just my sisters. No 'half' about it. They are my big sisters and they love me and I love them.

My DD has a half sister but has not contact with her.
It breaks her heart. As an 'only' child she would love a relationship with her.
Unfortunately she lives in another country and her mum has a lot of MH problems. Some down to her fuckwit Dad!!!
I've no idea why your step kids wouldn't want a relationship with your DC but you can't force anything.

When I got together with DP he had 4 children and I had two. We had our DS who was 21 years younger than my daughter. I can honestly say DS has a good relationship with all his siblings ( we never refer to them as half brothers and sisters ) He is also close to my grandsons ( his nephews)
He was out yesterday with two of his siblings , who all have different mothers , as DP has two ex wives.

Theres only 8 and 10 years between me and my younger half siblings and it's only now they are late teens that I have a sibling relationship rather than an aunt type relationship.

I don't think it's a surprise that someone who doesn't see their dad a lot hasn't got a relationship with a sibling 18 years younger.

I think it’s actually very hard for the first family to see their dad fully involved with a younger child and by dint of not living in the same house, less involved with them.

My half sibling was ten years younger than me and grew up in far more comfortable circumstances. I also remember my dad being very insensitive about stuff - whatever crumbs I was given they always had more. Eg I was very academic and worked very hard. Dad bought me a special fountain pen when I got straight A’s at A level. He then bought my 8 yo hs the same pen. Not her fault at all but just an indication of the sort of shit that happens