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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid about DH phone?

77 replies

Turnthebassup · 10/10/2019 16:32

Full disclosure I’m DHs 3rd wife. His first two marriages broke down because he was unfaithful. (Not with me).

He has a second phone. His first phone is a work phone and the second phone he bought to play a game which he has been addicted to for years (chess). He did play it on his work phone but about a year ago he bought this second phone, apparently because his work were monitoring phone use and he didn’t want personal apps on there (although he does use it for lots of other stuff it is his main phone). When he first got the new phone he was on it quite a bit playing chess. Not secretive with it at all. I haven’t seen him on it for months. About a month ago I noticed the phone had moved from his bedside drawer. I asked him where it was as I thought one of the kids might have it and he said he’d been playing chess and left it in his office.

I’m not even going to try and make up a lie about snooping on the phone, I actively went looking for it today. I found it eventually in his office, in a bottom drawer (not hidden but not on view either). It’s fully charged but has a 10 digit pin to even get into it. I wouldn’t even know where to start to unlock it.

Just this alone and his history, would that get your suspicions up?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 16:37

Honestly, I think I'd have been suspicious from the day I found out he'd cheated on both his other wives, nevermind the phone. Buying a whole other phone just to play a game on though seems.......odd

Itsallgonewoowoo · 10/10/2019 16:39

Sorry but cheated on two previous wives. Yeah, he has form.

Original poster

Turnthebassup · 10/10/2019 16:40

The game reason did make some sense at the time as he could link the game to his social media for extra points/coins and they aren’t allowed social media on their work phones.

However DH is quite high up in his organisation. I wouldn’t have immediately thought anybody would be checking his phone for social media use.

I can’t think of any other thing which is out of order or wrong but this is niggling at me.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/10/2019 16:41

You married a cheater - you will never be able to fully trust him. The question is, do you need to know he has cheated or is just living with this doubt enough for you to leave?

Original poster

Turnthebassup · 10/10/2019 16:45

Yes I would need to know. I wouldn’t walk out over a funny feeling about a phone.

I also know how well he hid his previous affairs. Both times he was caught when the OW contacted his wife. I’m good friends with his second wife and she swears blind she didn’t have a clue. Nothing amiss at all.

He’s very intelligent, not someone who is going to leave a rogue hotel bill in his pocket or a receipt for underwear somewhere

OP posts:

Mesaageinmybottle · 10/10/2019 16:45

He has history so you are right be be concerned.

My sister married someone who she was seeing when he had a girlfriend and he told
Her that he had cheated in every relationship he had “until he found her......blah blah”

3 years later you can guess the ending!

I’m not sure why people think that they can change the way people are.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 16:46

What would you do if you knew he'd cheated on you?

You were taking a hell of a gamble marrying this man.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/10/2019 16:46

Has his wife ever asked why you would marry him? She must be shaking her head at you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/10/2019 16:47

Ex wife.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 16:49

Did you really believe you would be any different than his first two wives? He's a serial cheater and men like that don't change.

Original poster

Turnthebassup · 10/10/2019 16:55

I don’t think it’s so unusual for cheaters to remarry. I imagine infidelity is a factor in a lot of divorces!

If he was cheating I would leave. Without a doubt. He knows that

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 16:59

I imagine infidelity is a factor in a lot of divorces!

It is, but you married him knowing he cheated on both of his ex-wives. You can't be shocked that he might be cheating, surely. It's like adopting a dog with a history of biting, you're eventually going to get bit.

EvilPostbox · 10/10/2019 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/10/2019 17:02

Whilst I understand that affairs are not always one sided, I think you are a right to be on your guard, although I have to say not sure why you would marry a man like this, who it would be very hard to trust.
If he was cheating I would leave.
Two things
its not if he was cheating that you wold leave but I assume if you found out he is cheating. the road to that discovery may destroy your mental health.
Secondly and again I am assuming, that was the reasons his previous marriages broke up- it didn't stop him doing it though did it!

Original poster

Turnthebassup · 10/10/2019 17:03

I can’t go back and un-marry him now though.

I fell in love with him, what else can I say. He’s extremely charismatic and charming. I’m not saying I didn’t have agency . He openly told me why his other marriages failed. It wasn’t a secret. He was always quite forthright about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turnthebassup · 10/10/2019 17:04

He will be home in an hour or so. We are quite open with each other. I’m going to ask him to unlock the phone in front of me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 17:05

Being charismatic and charming are two of the biggest red flags out there.

sheshootssheimplores · 10/10/2019 17:09

I would take the phone and put it somewhere only you have access to. Then wait and see how quick it takes him to get twitchy?

RushianDisney · 10/10/2019 17:12

And when he inevitably refuses to unlock it then what OP?

EileenAlanna · 10/10/2019 17:17

Does he have a normal routine & if so have there been any changes in recent times? Was there any pattern to his previous infidelities, i.e. were they women he worked with/met through work, used the same gym etc?
Is he on SM & is there anyone there that seems a bit over-familiar & dodgy?
How long have you been married & how long into his previous marriages did he begin cheating?

HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 17:18

You will know immediately if he finds a reason not to do that.

Do you have children together, OP?

And BTW, charisma, charm and infidelity often go hand in hand.

Josette77 · 10/10/2019 17:25

Unless he's done a ton of therapy to work on himself and change his patterns of course he will cheat again. You must know that.

AutumnCrow · 10/10/2019 17:25

They have to be charming or none of the cheatees would want them, I suppose. There's got to be some sort of mutual delusion going on by marriage #3. (Sorry if that sounds harsh.) The phone pin codes are probably the least of it.

Good luck, OP. Try to protect yourself and your children for the future.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/10/2019 17:27

Surely if he wanted to reassure you that he isn't going to cheat, given his history, he would be overtly open and transparent about stuff? Why have a 10digit passcode? Because he has something to hide.

hopeishere · 10/10/2019 17:29

Surely it must have crossed your mind before you married that this might happen?

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