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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Smitten

65 replies

Smitten81 · 10/10/2019 12:49

I’ve just started a relationship after meeting someone on Plenty Of Fish. I’m recently divorced and have 2 daughters : 9 and 7.
He is great, attentive, affectionate and we enjoy each other’s company.
This is my first relationship after my husband and I am totally smitten. He has not been in a relationship for over 6 years and before that he was in a long term for over 10.
We have friended each other on Social Media and I have friended his family on FB but we haven’t met in real life yet.
It’s 8 weeks into the relationship and I adore him and think I may be falling in love.
He seems to be on the same wavelength and I am just wanting on advice on how quickly to introduce him to my daughters and the best way to do this.
My ex knows about him and we are on good terms.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 12:52

You haven't even met him in r/l yet so don't go overboard.

MikeUniformMike · 10/10/2019 12:53

Not until you have known him at least 6 months.
The words "totally smitten" are a red flag - you will be blind to his shortcomings.
He could be anyone.

theendoftheendoftheend · 10/10/2019 12:53

You need to calm down

JorisBonson · 10/10/2019 12:57

You've known the guy for 8 weeks and you're both in early stages and on you best behaviour. Calm the hell down.

And as a child who met many, many boyfriends over the years, absolutely do not introduce him to your children for many months.

beachandcocktails · 10/10/2019 12:59

How do you know you enjoy each other's company if you haven't met in real life yet? Also there's no way you should be even thinking about introducing him to your children when you haven't even met him yourself yet. Please slow down.

Original poster
Smitten81 · 10/10/2019 13:00

i have met him - we have been seeing each other 3 times a week - he has been staying over at mine when my daughters go to their dads.
i haven't met his family in real life.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 10/10/2019 13:00

You have friend requested his family?? Hmm

Big red flag

MashedSpud · 10/10/2019 13:00

You haven’t met him yet.

Meet him in real life and see him regularly for at least 6-8 months before you consider introducing your dc.

MikeUniformMike · 10/10/2019 13:05

SHE HAS MET HIM.
SHE IS SHAGGING HIM.
HE STAYS OVER SOMETIMES.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 13:11

@Smitten when you say you haven't met in r/l yet, you meant his family? It reads like you haven't met him yet Grin

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2019 13:14

All moving a bit fast don't you think.

A new relationship and youve already added his family who youve never met on fb...bit creepy xD

And what was going on in those 6 years he never had a relationship I wonder. Was he hung up on his ex? Or stringing women along?

Also might be wise to google 'love bombing' and 'future faking' just incase. Things that form quickly and intensely...it's a red flag that you might be dating a narcissist who is mirroring you telling you everything you want to gear and making you feel like you have 'so much in common'. Be careful.

Slow down! And no introducing him to the kids for a good few months yet.

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 13:16

You should not be introducing your daughters to him after only 8 weeks! 6 months to a year at least!

Mintychoc1 · 10/10/2019 13:18

Given that you have a reasonable amount of child-free time, I really wouldn't be in any hurry to introduce him to your daughters. I would gradually introduce the idea that you have a boyfriend, in the next few months, but I would probably try and wait maybe 6 months before actually introducing them.

MashedSpud · 10/10/2019 13:18

Alright mike, keep your uniform on. If the op used proper English there would have been no confusion.

Original poster
Smitten81 · 10/10/2019 13:23

Sorry yes I have met him in real life.

He friended me on Facebook and his family asked me to be his friend as well as some of his work colleagues.

He texts me continually throughout the day and it’s comfortable.

He’s dated but nothing long term in that time. He was hung up on his ex and he had to sort himself out financially. He has no children and his ex is out of the picture. She was 7 years older than him when they met and had children from a previous relationship so I can understand him wanting time on his own.

It doesn’t seem rushed but I will look into love bombing and future faking.

I thought it was sweet that he and his family added me.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 10/10/2019 13:26

Sorry. Just thought I'd point it out.
The OP wasn't poor English, just nebulous.

Original poster
Smitten81 · 10/10/2019 13:28

Sorry for the confusion. I’m on my phone and Its not easy to type without a keyboard.

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 10/10/2019 13:30

Who is the love bomber here though? OP sounds as intense as the partner.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2019 13:32

Tbf, you aren't 'long term' either yet and yet you are still 'smitten' so I wonder how many of those there has been. If he has a tendency to have short lived things that burn bright then fizzle out. But because they are not longterm, he doesn't mention them.

Anyway, it seems like things are going good so maybe assume the best. But agree with other posters, around the 6 months mark before introducing him to your children.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2019 13:34

xD true Mrsmasie though she could just be caught up in his intensity. In the whirlwind.

Original poster
Smitten81 · 10/10/2019 13:35

He hasn’t got any of his previous girlfriends on his friends list on Facebook.

OP posts:
whiskersonkittenss · 10/10/2019 13:36

don't bring your children into it so soon. you need to wait.

Somerville · 10/10/2019 13:38

I’d focus on building firm foundations for now. It’s early on, and whilst sometimes lasting relationships develop very fast, it’s important to protect your children from this blowing up.

Personally my (now) husband met my kids after 3 months; this 6 months thing that people always mention doesn’t need to be a hard and fast rule, it’s just what has become socially acceptable. Circumstances are different for everyone, however. And my relationship was with a man I’d met through work and had mutual friends with - I think I’d have been much more cautious if we’d met online.
There was part of me that couldn’t relax into the relationship until I knew that they liked and accepted him, and that the relationship of their existence hadn’t sent him fleeing. So the relationship couldn’t progress to being serious until he met them, but I didn’t want him to meet them until it was serious. Confused

At the very least, wait to introduce him to your kids after you’ve spent time with his parents/siblings/friends. You can tell a lot about someone from the company they keep.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2019 13:39

...well that's what the 'unfriend' button is for lol often things that burn fast, don't end well unfortunately. I mean, I'd be hard pressed to believe there had been non one on the scene for 6 years and yet, he seemed so ready to jump into a relationship. Not that it isn't possible of course.

But just, be aware he could be selling u a pig in a poke.

Somerville · 10/10/2019 13:39

The *reality of their existence

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