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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

have a bath with a toaster!!!!

20 replies

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 22:40

Had a stonking row with my dp earlier today. To get away from the arguing I said I was going to have a bath - he shouted out "I'll stick the FXXXing toaster in there". We've been to relate, as been having probs for 15 months but its still very much a love/HATE relationship. Any advice anyone PLEASE!

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 22:41

Think you know the answer tbh.

fransmom · 13/08/2007 22:43

is your name true?

i am in simialr situation here sweetheart. i cam e home for my luch this afternoon and we had an argument and dd was climbing onto my lap and holding onto me. she has also started biting her nails - she is only two . we can't get to relate, have tried before but sadly not got there. we have also had problems for quite a while, it doesn't help having pnd either!

hows you feeling at the moment?

fransmom · 13/08/2007 22:44

sometimes some things are easier said than done awen, you feel like you don't really want to face the consequences or fallout from your actions

Original poster

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 22:49

Fransmom,
yes the name is true! I had PND too. we were okay for a while after going to relate, but now its started going wrong again. He was really bad with supporting me when I had pnd, all he was worried about was his needs - It comes up a lot in the arguements how useless he was in supporting me. I think thats why it gets so bad, because there is nothing he can do to change that.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 22:50

True fransmom but after 15 months I think it is the bigger person who takes charge and makes a decision. If 2 people are unhappy and have had problems for a prolonged period which doesnt seem to be improving perhaps going seperate ways is better. Very limited info on relationship tho so hard to say. I guess tho there is a child in the house (dont know age) but the threatening distructiveness of 15 months of fighting is doing the child or parents no good at all.

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 22:53

btw if it is a discussion over who had PND I was very poorly with it. Was a fair time ago now tho and ds is 7. Yes it puts a strain on relationship and sometimes they just arent meant to be. It is hard to look to the long term but you need to ask yourself if you can see yourself with this person in 5-10 years time. Is this what you really want?

Original poster

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 22:58

I do manage to bite my tongue and just not say anything a lot of the time. We don't argue on a daily basis, as I know what a bad effect it would have on our kids (3 pre schoolers) but today I just had to answer back because he was moaning about me working nights (part time)- which I do so I can look after the kids in the day. I stay up all day with the kids and all I want is an hour of "me" time before I go to work. But that's me being selfish.

OP posts:

fransmom · 13/08/2007 23:01

i understnad what you are saying awen sorry am glad you are better now awen, it gives me hope that i will get better too. thanks.

12lber [owwwwwwwwwwwwwch!] dd was 9lb 1/2 oz so i take my hat off to you girlie

serioulsy tho i think your p and mine sound so much alike its uncanny

Original poster

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 23:01

If it was just about me then I wouldn't be with him. but he has three children to care for and I know without a shadow of a doubt if we split up I would get no financial help at all from him and he would just dissapear and pretend he wasn't a Daddy at all. The children need their Dad and to be honest I suppose I would rather have him there and be like this then have the kids grow up without him being around.

OP posts:

fransmom · 13/08/2007 23:03

how is it selfish to want me time? i also bite my tonuge a lot but then i end up geting ill because i can't let it out. i think that p sometimes has a lot more to do with the cause side of pnd than he realises.

i def do take my hat off to you working nights as i couldn't. i'm not really helping much tonight am i? i'm sorry sweetheart.

fransmom · 13/08/2007 23:05

12lber, your children will be able to sense the atmosphere even tho they not old enough to understand what's happening. this might be expressed in odd behaviour (for each child) as a way of letting it out perhaps?

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 23:05

I think it is never a good thing to stay together for the sake of the children.

Original poster

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 23:10

No probs Fransmom, its good to just have a chat sometimes. I know when I had the pnd I just didn't want to hear what was going wrong for him, how depressed he felt, how bad work was etc. I suppose that was wrong and I should have made an effort, but I felt so bad and felt such a bad mum that I didn't have any love or time to give him. He just couldn't and still can't understand that. He was brilliant after our 2nd boy was boy (12lber!) and then within about 4 months he lost interest, when the PND got worse.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 23:13

fransmom - pnd does and will get better. MIght not seem like it and is hard to believe when you are in the midst. Be kind to yourself and take it a day at a time, small steps. Trust me that it gets better. The medication helps and your own determination will see you through. Am now a fully qualified MH Nurse Expecting No 2 now and am happily confident that i may not get PND again. Am determined not to take on to much/try to be super mum adn to be kind to myself etc. If i am unlucky enought to get it again hopefully i will have the ability to spot it sooner and not end up in hospital again. Really dont think i will get it again tho and is diff situation from the last time.

Original poster

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 23:14

I suppose its a belief thats been built in from my mum and Dad. "You've made your bed" type of thing.
I never knew how much my mum disliked my Dad until he died. They behaved civilly towards each other (weren't ever affectionate) and as a child I just never realised there was anything wrong.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 23:15

think about what you would want for your dc 12lber.. do you want them to feel how you are saying that 'they have made their bed' because that is the example they have been set. Parents dont alwayts get it right, we dont have to repeat the mistakes our parents make.

Original poster

12lbnaturally · 13/08/2007 23:18

Have to go and make sure all my patients are okay. At work tonight (MH Nurse too). Congrats on your registration Awen.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 13/08/2007 23:19

been registered for nearly a year now thanks.

Gee72 · 14/08/2007 10:03

It's a stupid thing to say, but he probably didn't mean it as it was said in anger. You don't say if he makes a habit of being violent/abusive.

PND is also hard to deal with from the partners side. However patient you may try to be as a partner, frustrations will erupt from time to time. If you've been to Relate and he's been making the effort to change there may come a time when you have to draw the line under his past mistakes and build a better relationship or move on.

fransmom · 16/08/2007 22:46

12lbnaturally hows you sweetheart? we have had a good chat - tho i wish it was a bit earlier than 1am that we finished talking!!

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