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Original poster

DB doesn't seem to have any interest beyond his nuclear family

72 replies

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:01

I have a strained relationship with my DB. In short, he doesn't seem to have any interest in the world outside his nuclear family. I understand that this is probably quite common when you have children (I don't). We have a family whatsapp group, where he regularly shares pictures and news of his children, but it's not reciprocated at all.

I don't think my DB knows what job I do, anything about my house (we've moved overseas and has never visited, which is fair enough), where we've been holiday, what my wife does, her family, or even the boring details (what we watch on TV, what brand of coffee we drink, if we've seen any good films). When we got married, he didn't come (admittedly it was on mainland Europe, but not a million miles away, and he had a save the date a year in advance).

Any conversation is entirely one-way. It's not just me. My parents find the same. They see each other regularly and talk on the phone, but he never asks questions. My parents can say "Oh, I had to go to A and E this week", and my DB will just say "oh right", and that's it. When they ring, he largely imparts his news and that's it.

He's my only sibling, and I want to have a relationship with him, but I find it so difficult. Anyone else have a similar experience, or can shed any light on why he might behave like he does?

OP posts:
IncyWincySpidersWeb · 08/10/2019 11:03

Is he stressed? Is he an introvert? What was it like growing up?

Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:05

I wouldn't say he is stressed (any more than everyone else). I would say he's an introvert (he and his wife don't really have friends). Growing up he was ok. My theory is he is hurt about the world in general and has chosen not to engage with the world as a protective mechanism.

OP posts:
Sicario · 08/10/2019 11:06

He's not interested in anybody else's life. I have a brother like this and the only time he ever contacted me was when he wanted or needed something. I threw in the towel 2 years ago. Frankly I wouldn't bother.

bumblenbean · 08/10/2019 11:11

That’s shit OP. Sadly some people are completely inward looking and self absorbed. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, it’s just how they are and there isn’t a lot you can do.

Saying that, have you ever broached with him how you feel, maybe saying you’re a little hurt he doesn’t seem very interested in your life?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2019 11:14

How old are the kids?

Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:19

I think I've avoided asking him because of not wanting to upset him.

Children between 5 and 10, but he was like it before DCs to be honest

OP posts:
YahBasic · 08/10/2019 11:20

I have a brother like this - his only interests are himself & his mates.

I’ve always said I’d prefer to be his mate than his relative, as you get more out of him.

I’ve gone very low contact as I just don’t have the time for it.

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 11:21

My brother is like this. He just isn’t interested in anyone else (unless they want to help him).

It’s useless having a relationship with him. Much better for my peace of mind to disengage. It was a relief when I read that it’s ok not to have close relationships with siblings, that you don’t have to keep pushing for it.

2Rebecca · 08/10/2019 11:23

You said he shares news of his kids on the family wattsapp group so why don't you share your news on that or comment on the pics of his kids rather than not reciprocating. Hard to know if he has no interest outside his immediate family or if he just has no interest in you because he maybe feels he has little in common with you. It sounds as though he sees his parents regularly. Perhaps he doesn't say much on the phone because he struggles to get a word in edgeways. My parents have always been like this on the phone, it's like trying to interrupt a monologue.

Sron · 08/10/2019 11:27

In short, he doesn't seem to have any interest in the world outside his nuclear family. I understand that this is probably quite common when you have children (I don't).

Well, I have a child, and I haven't drawn up the drawbridge to the outside world, and my friends who have children ranging from c 20 to toddlers still manage to evince an interest in the world outside their family.

But I can honestly say that I don't know whether my three siblings have seen any good films recently, or what brand of coffee they drink, and I've never in fact met two of their longterm partners at all we all live in different countries and I've only met my brother's wife three or four times in total, and though we have a WhatsApp we tend to use it to remind one another about stuff or share strange bits of the internet. And none of the others have children. We're just not close to the extent where we would know about one another's coffee-drinking preferences or filmgoing.

I don't think you can force a sibling bond.

Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:31

You said he shares news of his kids on the family wattsapp group so why don't you share your news on that or comment on the pics of his kids rather than not reciprocating.

I do comment on his children, and ask a question, and if I do post anything he never responds.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:33

The coffee brand or recent films we watched was just meant as examples. It's just to say I don't think he knows anything about my life, and doesn't show any interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:38

If it were just me, I'd think I was the problem, but it seems to be the whole world - of his small number of friends, he doesn't seem to engage with them much. His best friend had a baby, and my Mum asked about it - he didn't know the name, (he knew the sex), didn't know anything else about it.

I sometimes wonder if it's almost some condition (but I don't want an internet diagnosis) or something.

OP posts:
Sron · 08/10/2019 11:43

I think some people do retreat into their immediate families when they marry and have children. Some people think this is the way things are supposed to be. There was a recent thread where the OP moaned about how unsocial her circle had become in terms of going out -- some posters on that thread thought that if you are a 'normal, happy married person with a family', you should be getting everything you need from them and external stuff needs to take a back seat.

I mean, I don't agree at all, but for some people this is the way it's 'supposed to be.'

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2019 11:49

It’s sad it’s not the relationship you would wish but some people are like this. One of my brothers has very minimal interest in anything outside of his work and a very involving hobby/volunteering thing he does. He lives a few hours from me now but I have a much closer relationship with my sister who lives abroad - we talk several times a week, chat work, friends, tv, food, books, weekend plans, all sorts.

sugarbum · 08/10/2019 11:55

To be honest, I'm not interested in my step sisters life particularly. I have no interest in finding out what she's up to. I've known her for nearly 40 years. I consider her my sister but I don't live close by and I'm happy enough seeing her posts on facebook. I'm a pretty sociable person (he doesn't sound like he is. I just have other stuff going on.

sonjadog · 08/10/2019 12:20

I know lots of people like this. There isn't anything wrong with them, they are just self-absorbed. Some people are only interested in themselves.

My brother is similar. No interest in my life. So I make the same effort with the relationship that he does, i.e. none. I have noticed that if it goes a long enough time, say 9-10 months between all contact, he will make some form of contact. Usually just a facebook comment or something like that. Don't think he has ever rung me in his life.

Carparkticket · 08/10/2019 12:33

I personally think that friends are the family you choose. You can’t be sure they have no friends if you don’t know that much of their lives.
It might be sad for you but I am an introvert and so is my DH. We are busy people that like hobbies on our own and then spend time together. We might see friends but not every week.
Our families are quite pushy to meet up and to be honest the more they do the less we want to.
Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you have to be in touch that often.
I contribute to my community, volunteer, I am nice to people I meet and I like my friends.
I just don’t want to be or talk to people all the time. Particularly when I have small DCs

Wacawaca19 · 08/10/2019 12:37

My brother is the same and he always forgets my kids birthdays although I remember his.

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 12:39

Why would he care what you’ve watched on tv?

Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 12:40

Why would he care what you’ve watched on tv?

It was just meant as an example.

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 13:01

But why pick that as an example? It seems silly. If he’s not interested he’s not Interested what can you do? You both seem self involved. This wouldn’t occur to a non self involved person.

Original poster
OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 13:28

You both seem self involved. This wouldn’t occur to a non self involved person.

I'm afraid I disagree. I don't think it's self-involved to notice something about your sibling. Seems to be the opposite of self-involved to me.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 08/10/2019 13:35

My DB is like this. Only interested in his DW and DD (second wife and second child). He will also help out my DM. Other than that he has no friends and isn't really interested in anyone else. He even managed to alienate his eldest DD who is now an adult by being preoccupied by his new family. His loss.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 08/10/2019 13:39

I get it sucks.
But as an adult we may just not click with some family. We're all individuals and just because you're born into a family doesn't mean you'd choose to be close to them. If you weren't related would you have much in common?
You've emigrated and now you're not really apart of his life. How many times have you gone home?

My sister has moved to the other side of the world. I still love her deeply. But she's just not apart of my life. If she comes home I love to see her but I will not be going out there anytime soon.