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Relationships

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Original poster

DB doesn't seem to have any interest beyond his nuclear family

72 replies

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 11:01

I have a strained relationship with my DB. In short, he doesn't seem to have any interest in the world outside his nuclear family. I understand that this is probably quite common when you have children (I don't). We have a family whatsapp group, where he regularly shares pictures and news of his children, but it's not reciprocated at all.

I don't think my DB knows what job I do, anything about my house (we've moved overseas and has never visited, which is fair enough), where we've been holiday, what my wife does, her family, or even the boring details (what we watch on TV, what brand of coffee we drink, if we've seen any good films). When we got married, he didn't come (admittedly it was on mainland Europe, but not a million miles away, and he had a save the date a year in advance).

Any conversation is entirely one-way. It's not just me. My parents find the same. They see each other regularly and talk on the phone, but he never asks questions. My parents can say "Oh, I had to go to A and E this week", and my DB will just say "oh right", and that's it. When they ring, he largely imparts his news and that's it.

He's my only sibling, and I want to have a relationship with him, but I find it so difficult. Anyone else have a similar experience, or can shed any light on why he might behave like he does?

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 08/10/2019 13:55

Just wanted to say that I have found relationships change over the years.

The three years between us made quite a difference as DB and I were growing up, and although I met DH as they were friends, it was rare we 'hung out' together. We both adored our parents, and that was always a strong link.

We got married and had DC, DB lived the bachelor life, and although he and his now DW had DC, as they lived a few hours away, and in view of the commitments we all have, we didn't see each other, or really speak more than once a week or so, as our families were growing.

We now have more time, and see each other more regularly - I normally do the travelling, as I am out and about for work. But DB is the one person who I would turn to with anything, and visa versa. I feel that our bond now is stronger than ever - partly because we no longer have our DP, and are the only ones remaining from our original core family unit.

Hope you find a way to strengthen your relationship - assuming that is the right thing for both of you.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 14:07

What I find the strangest though is that it seems he wants a relationship with me (he shares photos of his children quite a lot - certainly a few times a week), but he doesn't seem interested in anything going back. And the less he takes interest, the less anything in my life becomes interesting. For example, because he doesn't take any interest in my life and my in-laws, and knows nothing about them, then it becomes completely uninteresting to hear about them (or my interactions with them), and not just in-laws, but any aspect of my life.

OP posts:

gubbsywubbsy · 08/10/2019 14:16

Are you male or female ? I wonder if he doesn't agree with your marriage if both women .. jist an idea .

TequilaMockingbird0 · 08/10/2019 14:21

My sister is unfortunately like this too. She's 27 so not a teenager. We have a family whatsapp and recently both my daughter and I were taken into hospital and we let the family know on there. She never once acknowledged what had happened or asked a single question about how we were. I don't think she means to be so unkind, she's just ridiculously self obsessed.

WatchingTheMoon · 08/10/2019 14:22

I'm probably a bit like this. My family have said a lot of hurtful things over the years so tbh I just can't be arsed a lot of the time. I'm always waiting for the next arsey comment so I just keep them at arm's length.

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 14:23

@OhWhatACarveUp this is not just an observation from you though your complaining he doesn’t show enough interest in you or what you watch on tv, so yes it makes you very self obsessed..

BuildBuildings · 08/10/2019 14:34

My parents are quite like this. It is hurtful be sit feels like you don't matter. Some people are just self absorbed to be honest. I think what you said about him withdrawing because he's a bit hurt by the world can be true too.

2Rebecca · 08/10/2019 14:36

Maybe he is interested in what you post but doesn't comment on posts. I find men often think all the liking stuff and emojis are a waste of time. My son in his 20s never comments on anything I put on facebook and doesn't contribute to the family watsapp but does read it and will ask me about stuff when he sees me, and got upset when he was left out of a new family watsapp when my sister changed it for some reason. He rarely posts stuff on facebook / social media anyway but likes to read stuff. At least your brother is contributing by putting stuff up.
I have no interest in what anyone watches on TV.
I will ask about illnesses, but would be less inclined to if the family member was always at the doctors and liked to discuss their illnesses at great length.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 15:37

@Witchinaditch you’re a bit stuck on the TV comment . We’ll have to agree to disagree. I don’t think it’s self obsessed to want a strong relationship with your sibling.

I do see I’ll sadly have to live with it. It’s not just me, but it does seem the wider world he isn’t interested in. It’s a little sad though

OP posts:

Sron · 08/10/2019 16:50

But do you really expect your brother to be interested in your wife's family, your ILs, whom he has presumably met seldom, if ever? I'm very fond of my ILs, but I don't give them much headspace on a day to day basis, and these are my own ILs -- I would be utterly taken aback by the expectation that I should know, or want to know, about my siblings' ILs, so that I can engage in conversation about them!

It's not self-obsessed to want a strong relationship with your sibling, no, but are you just expecting too much from your brother? I don't think a lack of interest in his sister's ILs is equivalent to 'taking no interest in the world outside his nuclear family.'

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 16:56

@OhWhatACarveUp because it’s so ridiculous that you can’t see to see how silly and childish it makes you seem. You compared him sharing pics of his children to not asking about what you watch on tv. I can’t see past a ridiculous comment like that.

HugoSpritz · 08/10/2019 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floopily · 08/10/2019 17:20

DB and I aren't very close and I suspect he might say this about me as I'm crap at instigating contact so he would see it as me not being interested in him or his family as I don't bother to call. However, when we do speak or exchange emails it's mostly him going on and on about his children and what they've been doing, his job etc, he rarely asks me questions about my life, and eventually the conversation runs into awkward silence once he's finished his news update unless I keep asking questions! So it's a bit half a dozen of one six of the other with us I guess, he is better at keeping contact but at the same time doesn't seem to be massively interested in my life when I'm supposed to be interested in his.

You can't force a close relationship if it's just not there. We get on absolutely fine but we are very different people with different interests and priorities. Perhaps your brother feels the same.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 17:23

@Witchinaditch Then you've misunderstood. No harm done but @Sron is making a similar point.

I'm not saying that literally the one thing I would love my brother to do is to take an interest in my in-laws or to ask what I watched on TV. They were just two examples of things one might talk about. Anything would be nice to be honest. (My point was if one took an interest, then there is a chance it might become interesting)

@HugoSpritz

Conversations tend to go along the lines of:

DB: We went to the beach today, here are my children.
DM: That's nice
Me: Great, what beach was it?
DB: It was Lyme Regis
Me: DS1 looked like he was having fun in the rock pools. Did he find any animals?
DB: No, but he brought a load of pebbles home.
Me: Sounds nice. We went for a walk today.
DB: [no reply]

Then three days later.

DB: Here we are at the playground.
Me: Oh, that's nice ... etc

But it's the same on the phone or in person.

OP posts:

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 17:26

I really don’t think I’ve miss understood. Op you’re doing the classic asking am I being unreasonable when you get the answer yes you say no I’m not. It’s not unreasonable to want to be close but you sound like hard work.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 17:34

You clearly have misunderstood. For a start, this isn't AIBU. You're doing a bit of a classic Internet forum thing, where you've latched on to an irrelevant detail.

My OP is not "my brother and I have this tremendously close relationship, where we talk all the time, but there's just one thing that niggles me. He's never asked me what I watch on TV. AIBU for this to upset me?". I'm saying he never asks me anything. Our conversations are completely one-sided.

Well, anyway, it seems that most people are actually agreeing with me that this is upsetting. The other common response is that I can't force him to take an interest. Some people are just very self-absorbed.

OP posts:

averythinline · 08/10/2019 17:34

why do you expect him to be any different or change?
you even say he was like it before DC .....

did you have a close social relationship before...

I am not necessarily the best on sibling relationships as havent seen/spoken to mine in about 3yrs ....and then very intermittantly before that .....
no big falling out we just never really connected , never socialised, different schools, different friends- we are ok if in same room together but unlikely to contact otherwise....

how do you know he has no friends? just because he doesnt talk about them.......and so what if he does ....you do sound sad about the lack of relationship ...but also judgemental about his lack of social life..
but you cant make a relationship where the other person is not that bothered.....

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 17:39

I know he doesn't have any friends because at least what I garner from him (I'm not saying we don't talk, just that it's only ever one way) and what I hear from my family. I am a bit sad about it, but yes, it is a bit daft expecting it to change.

OP posts:

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 17:42

Yes I would agree some people are extremely self involved.

Original poster

OhWhatACarveUp · 08/10/2019 17:46

@Witchinaditch And some people can be weirdly passive aggressive. Let's just leave it - you've clearly got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 08/10/2019 17:50

I don't ask people questions anymore as I work on the basis that if they want me to know they will tell me. I.used to be very nosey!

Ninkaninus · 08/10/2019 17:56

TBH I think a lot of people have a hard time with the truth of the matter which is yes, due to a series of biological coincidences you might have one or more siblings; you were close (in proximity anyway) for some time growing up because that’s how it had to be. For some people that results in a continued close sibling relationship. For others, it doesn’t. And painful as it is, you can’t really force it. Just because you share genetics doesn’t mean you share personality characteristics, outlook on life, values or general interests.

I get that it’s sad for you. But there isn’t really a lot you can do about it.

sonjadog · 08/10/2019 18:00

You can't change him. The only thing you can change is your own expectations and reactions. Currently you are setting yourself up to be hurt by him. So stop that. If it upsets you that you show interest and he doesn't, then cut bak your interest to a level that works for you without you getting upset.

WillowSummerSloth · 08/10/2019 18:30

OP I get what you're trying to say. I'm really not sure why witchinaditch is so hung up on the TV comment, he/she is missing the bigger point entirely.
I have a friend like this and it's infuriating. I make the effort to find out about her life/ work/ kids/ holiday etc. and she asks nothing about me in return. It feels one sided.
Could you raise this with him do you think? Maybe he's just not great at connecting with others so doesn't realise he's doing it? Maybe he is trying to interact in the best way he can (hence the frequent contact) but isn't good at meeting other people's needs?

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 18:37

It’s my opinion on the facts laid out. Stop saying I have the wrong end of the stick because I disagree with you. Maybe people aren't allowed to disagree with you in real life? I am going to leave it as this is tedious now.

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