DB doesn't seem to have any interest beyond his nuclear family

[OhWhatACarveUp]

I have a strained relationship with my DB. In short, he doesn't seem to have any interest in the world outside his nuclear family. I understand that this is probably quite common when you have children (I don't). We have a family whatsapp group, where he regularly shares pictures and news of his children, but it's not reciprocated at all.

I don't think my DB knows what job I do, anything about my house (we've moved overseas and has never visited, which is fair enough), where we've been holiday, what my wife does, her family, or even the boring details (what we watch on TV, what brand of coffee we drink, if we've seen any good films). When we got married, he didn't come (admittedly it was on mainland Europe, but not a million miles away, and he had a save the date a year in advance).

Any conversation is entirely one-way. It's not just me. My parents find the same. They see each other regularly and talk on the phone, but he never asks questions. My parents can say "Oh, I had to go to A and E this week", and my DB will just say "oh right", and that's it. When they ring, he largely imparts his news and that's it.

He's my only sibling, and I want to have a relationship with him, but I find it so difficult. Anyone else have a similar experience, or can shed any light on why he might behave like he does?

OP I have a really similar relationship with my brother, I find it hard to synthesise the two facts that on the one hand he’s actually a really nice guy, but on the other hand he is so spectacularly uninterested in my life - or anything anyone in the family is doing.. it’s weird. We are geographically far apart which doesn’t help things.

Our father is getting older and is starting to need some help, so whereas my DB’s disengagement hasn’t really been a problem before it is starting to become one. Do you think your brother will be there for your parents as they get older, that’s maybe the real question?

Does he think that you were the favourite child while you were growing up?
Did you get on as kids? Were you close?
Do you feel like he's a kindred spirit who you'd like to have as a friend if he wasn't your DB?
Do you feel like your sense of humour is the same?
Did you like the same TV programs and films when you were growing up?
Do you have interests in common?
What about your political views - do they broadly align? If he's living in Europe, does Brexit risk derailing his life? Did you vote leave and if so, does he know that?

I ask all those questions, because we can choose our friends and generally we choose people with whom we can have a laugh and stuff in common, but we don't get to choose our families and often we have little in common once we've grown up and become fully formed adults. The fact that he has kids and you don't is signifiant. His life is really different from yours, I can guarantee, and maybe he doesn't feel like he has that much in common with you any more as a result. Similarly, living in Europe and possibly having the worry of Brexit and what that might mean for him and his family. Maybe he blames those of you still in the UK for the mess he's in? I dunno. Does any of that ring true?

Sorry, I see it's YOU who lives in Europe, not him. Ignore the Brexit comments!

Zafferna, it's absolutely true that if we weren't siblings, we probably wouldn't be friends, and it's also true that our lives have taken different directions (luckily we're both on the same side on Brexit). But I could also say the same about some of my oldest friends (someone I sat next to in class when I was 12 years old), where while our lives have different paths, we can still talk and have good conversations. We would have more in common if he made an effort.

I may try and talk to him sometime about this, but I'm not sure he realises he does it. I fear he's got so used to it after so many years (and not just with me) that it doesn't seem odd any more to him.

What happens if you dont answer his watsapps? Would he just not be bothered or would he be annoyed and see it as you not making an effort?

I got similar with a couple of people and from ones response- not bothered- it was clear she wasn't so interested in knowing anything about me or even getting anything back. So i pulled back and am happier not making an effort and feeling a one sided relationship. When we catch up face to face all is good.

The other got very angry and accused me of not bothering (true) and not showing enough (in her eyes) interest. When i pointed out the one wayness - me always chasing, giving and asking after her with no interest back- she got more angry and made it clear she wanted me to show lots of interests over her life but wasn't interested in mine at all. All one way, using me as a sounding board. I refused and after she moaned to several friends, who also then agreed with me and admitted they found the same of her, she's slowly improving. But i don't rush to fawn over her life and i do expect 2 way interest or i just back off.

I wonder if he just doesn't realise how self- indulged he's being?

If he has very few friends and a small family unit, maybe he's just forgotten how relationships work.

Has anyone mentioned sit to him?

I think it's perfectly normal to expect a sibling to at least feign interest in your life. It doesn't matter if you wouldn't have been friends if you weren't related, the fact is you are related and he really ought to make an effort. Presumably in the future, he would be upset if his own children didn't bother with each other.
The only choices you have though are to accept it or challenge him on it.

I'm not sure what would happen if no-one reacted to him - generally, at least some one in the family (our parents our me will react).

If he has very few friends and a small family unit, maybe he's just forgotten how relationships work.

This is what I think has happened, but I wonder if he's never really known. It reminds me a bit of when you're a child and you meet adults, they tend to talk and ask you questions (how's school, how is swimming club going?) and you don't learn to reciprocate until you're a bit older (maybe your mid-teens). It feels like my brother never quite got the hang of that part.

The question is whether it is worth challenging him. I would worry about it starting an argument, and whether he would even recognise he does it.

I do r know why so many of the replies are so hostile. My sister is like this. Everything is about her. She shows virtually no interest i me . She wants to visit so she can get a break from her life but is disinterested otherwise. It is really painful.
I would suggest you ask your brother to meet up for lunch or a coffee and tell him how you feel. If he becomes aware of how he comes across he may make an effort to change. Otherwise if I were you I would cut down contact as much as you can. Stop responding to his messages beyond ‘thats Nice’. Perhaps he will realise how it feels. Some people just have no personal or social skills. It isn’t personal as you say others find him the same and he has no friends.
It may genuinely be that he has never thought about his social interactions .

Pretending to be interested in stuff is a social skill but should it really be one? Often I ask questions when people tell me something even though I have no interest in the answer but I know it's polite to do so. Some people are quite nosy and interested in the minutiae of other peoples' lives, other people aren't. It doesn't mean you don't like those people, you just aren't interested in their hobbies/ extended families.
I find conversations about ideas and politics where you can both have a view and discuss the issue is more interesting than hearing about someone's kids or hobby I'm not in to.

Pretending to be interested in stuff is a social skill but should it really be one?

I think so, because in my experience, the flow of conversation can jump from one topic to another. If I ask someone about their cycling hobby, it might lead to them talking about a holiday abroad they went on with their bike, on to a discussion about the food in that country, and then on to something about that county's history, and then on to a book they read about that country …

These shallow questions are often the starting point for interesting conversations.

I agree it's also a social skill to realise that the other person in the conversation might not be interested in a 30 minute monologue on the best type of bike oil.

But what if you don't want a full conversation with someone.

But what if you don't want a full conversation with someone.

That's fine, although it can be upsetting if it's a sibling. I find it sad that my DB doesn't seem to want a conversation with anyone, except his wife and children.

But don't you live in different countries? So how do you know what personal relationships he holds outside his family?
Colleagues, neighbours, other school parents?

• So how do you know what personal relationships he holds outside his family? Colleagues, neighbours, other school parents?*

From everything he says. He’s just not keen on other people from what he says.

I think it’s one thing if an acquaintance isn’t interested and can’t be bothered asking questions. It’s quite another when it’s a member of your family who expects interest in themselves but doesn’t reciprocate.

I don't honestly see sharing photographs of his children as equivalent to asking questions about the OP's in-laws or where she went for a walk -- I think the OP and her brother may be talking at cross-purposes with these WhatsApp exchanges.

None of my siblings have children, but if they did, I'd be interested in their children because they are my nephews/nieces, rather than because they are my siblings' children -- even if (as I do) I live in another country, I would expect an ongoing lifelong relationship with these children as they grow up. I wouldn't feel I was doing my sibling a favour by being interested in their children, and that I was then 'owed' reciprocal interest in the minutiae of my own life.

Isn't it possible, OP, that your brother is just putting the photos out there, without expecting comments from you? I seldom communicate with my siblings, but I have an Instagram on which I post the odd photo of DS which they are subscribed to -- they don't comment, and I don't expect them to. The photos are just there for them to see if they want. I don't use social media otherwise.

@sonjadog, I am in the same condition. I am a sister to such a brother. I am 42 and he us 38. Both are married and both childless. Wanted to ask you if you don't mind : how does it feel ? I call my brother some of the time, at least once a month but he never calls me. I can understand that the psychology of different individuals is different even if they are siblings. But why not call "even once" in all these years ? Do you have an answer ? I think that women are more empathetic and socially savvy than men but that's a scientific conclusion drawn from social research. How do we process such information or conclusion emotionally ? How do we reconcile to the fact ? Hope I find an answer.

@sron I didn't understand one thing. OP has shown interest in her brother. Expectation is also a form of showing interest. Wanting a reciprocal behaviour or gesture is also a sign of showing interest in a relationship. Asking for a reaction or comment is also a sign of showing interest or wanting to participate in a relationship. So, shouldn't we expect something even if it is as small as wanting to get connected through commenting back on photos ? I think the OP is wanting a connection with her brother in whatever small way it is possible which is only human. If we do not have basic courtesy or humanity, how will we function as humans ? I understand that the brother may be low on the empathy scale but if the OP is high on the empathy / emotion scale, then it is not wrong either.

I once got quite upset with my sister never getting in touch between visits with any news etc. She would visit us once a year for about 3 days and after I had run around cooking and cleaning and fielding her very badly behaved kids, there would be radio silence. Her response was 'we never keep in touch with people between visits'. I had hoped I was something more than people, but clearly not.

I am one of four siblings who stay within a 3 mile radius of each other. We are split into 2 and 2. I see one sister three times a week, the other once a year when we go to a local business event and I haven't seen my brother in I think 4 years and I have seen my niece about four times (she's now 20). My brother and my 'once a year sister' are close. I don't have them on Facebook either, we're just not that interested in each other, nothing bad, we are just totally different people who share biological parents. If your brother isn't interested leave him alone, I'm sure he knows you are there if he needs you.

So many different issues here.

But the main one is he is obviously one of those people who never asks about anyone else, it's always about him. We have had threads about this. I find it fascinating when I meet one of these people because I can never quite believe it . As you said OP, it is the social convention of conversation and then often leads to more interesting conversation.

Your brother doesn't have the interest or knowledge to do this which wouldn't matter except that he is your brother.

I honestly don't think it would be worth speaking to him about it because then you would never know if he was asking because he cared or because he doesn't want to piss you off.

I tend to treat people as they treat me and would therefore on these family texts leave it to your parents to response to his inane bits of news. He gives you silence, give him the same.

You know the threads on here where people have abusive mothers/MIL and it's really sad because they want a relationship with a "normal" mother/MIL but it just isn't going to happen.

I think you need to accept that this is the way your brother is and you aren't ever going to change him and have the brother that you wish you had. That's why we have friends