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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I feel annoyed by husband leaving me when I'm 5 months pregnant???

72 replies

Sandysweep · 07/10/2019 20:25

So I just want to get other peoples opinions on my situation.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for 2. Im currently 5 months pregnant, and I have 3 children from a previous relationship. My son is very difficult to deal with, and is receiving help from camhs. He's not a bad kid at all, but does have problems with his temper and anger. He gets into rages and genuinely cant control himself, but I'm working hard to resolve it.
My husband does get a lot of back chat and mouth from him (as do I!) but recently he's really started to take it personally, and has told me he doesn't like my son. I have noticed my husband's behaviour has changed, its like he's really low and depressed, and he says its because of my son. Anyway, things came to a head over the weekend, my husband announced he couldn't cope with living in our house any longer and he went back to his mum's. I have no idea how long for. My initial reaction was that I could understand his decision and that a break would maybe do him good, give him space to think etc. But having thought about it today I'm now thinking has he been totally selfish?? I'm left here pregnant, having to deal with 3 kids on my own, whilst he's off having a nice little rest at his mother's! Now they aren't his children, but I'm his wife, wouldn't he want to be here and support me? I find the situation with my son hard, but I cant run away, no matter how much I'd like to sometimes! But I get my husband is really down and struggling with home life. My question is, how would other people feel if they were in my shoes? And what would you do? Up until 2 months ago things were really good. My husband was amazing, so supportive and thoughtful. He was my rock and I felt I had his support through everything, no matter what. It's all deteriorated really quickly, and it seems the man I fell in love with has gone. I'm now here on my own not really knowing what to think or do.

OP posts:

Ash39 · 07/10/2019 20:44

Where is your son's father?

inlectorecumbit · 07/10/2019 20:47

When the going got tough-- he bailed on you.
Time to really consider if you can be a single parent to 4 DC's now..

Bouffalant · 07/10/2019 20:49

Where is your son's father? Surely this should be partly his responsibility?

Duchessgummybuns · 07/10/2019 20:51

You and your kids are a package deal, he doesn’t get to opt out now, especially after getting you pregnant. If I were you I wouldn’t let him come back, but I know that’s easy to say from my outsider’s perspective.

WickedLemon · 07/10/2019 20:54

How old is your son and what are these “temper, anger and rages” in real terms?

Starlight456 · 07/10/2019 20:56

I would say far more complex than a post on here. My own Ds has Adhd. I am a Lp and in the past a couple of times friends have took my Ds as I feel I can’t cope anymore . It’s only been a day but needed to get my head straight.

I doubt he is having a jolly. It is very hard not to take this stuff personally , I would imagine harder as a step child.

That doesn’t mean it’s not tough on you either.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/10/2019 20:59

Sometimes children can push us to the absolute extreme. And the only thing keeping us there is that they are ours. Our flesh and blood. Our responsibility and above all else the love is always there.

Unfortunately for your DH he doesn't have that. So the hell your son could be putting him through could be to much.

He's done the right thing is going before he snaps. And unfortunately this is something that can come with being a blended family.

Where is the paternal family?

namechange4052 · 07/10/2019 21:07

What does your son's behaviour look like and what do you do about it? Does your DH get to have an opinion about house rules and discipline? It's really hard being a step parent, and harder when you are faced with all of the dogs work but no respect.

DonKeyshot · 07/10/2019 21:11

You only knew him for a year before you married and after 2 years it's possible that you're now seeing his true colours emerge.

If this is the case, the likely explanation for him running back to mummy is that he's not the man you thought he was and he can't keep up the pretence any longer.

The acid test will come when you give birth and you'll be better placed to judge the manner of the man according to how involved and interactive he is with his own dc.

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 21:18

You only knew each other a year before you got married. That’s not long enough to get to know someone fully. A marriage and a kid within three years when you already have three children is insane!!!

Looks like he’s not cut out for what he’s taken on. If you’d waited a while before anchoring yourself to him you may have found this out before creating another baby!

Sweetpeach3 · 07/10/2019 21:18

5 months pregnant an he thinks it's okay to run off mummy's whilst your dealing with your DS and the other kids

No he's out of order theirs no excuse for that. It's a marriage you work through things not walk off (that's if you want them to work) so question that and know you'll manage on your own anyway. He doesn't sound much cop to say things about ds. Upset or down or not. He's a innocent child. You don't call them
. Please don't let him take the piss. Theirs no need for it !

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 07/10/2019 21:22

I echo what others have said you have rushed this relationship. I don't think hes necessarily in the wrong but it sounds alot very quickly 3 dc from a previous relationship and another on the way. Hes behaviour must be bad for him to leave and tbh if the genders were reversed many posters on the step parenting forum have told step mothers to leave and not pur up with bad behaviour from step kids.

Pipandmum · 07/10/2019 21:26

There’s more to it. Things can’t have been ‘really good’ then escalate to him leaving in just two months without either another issue you are in denial about or something else he isn’t telling you.
You need to sit down together and really talk things out and try and come up with a way of dealing with your son (and whatever else is going on) moving forward. Don’t blame each other for stuff, let him say what he feels (don’t interrupt), then you say how you feel. Then see how you can resolve things.

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2019 21:31

Wow what a rush of a relationship! He didn't have long enough to get to know your children before become a stepparent.

What does your son do? How do you respond? How old is he?

user1480880826 · 07/10/2019 21:34

Why are you having a 4th child?!

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 07/10/2019 21:38

Oh OP, that sounds very very difficult. Did he want the new baby, I can imagine on top of what you’re currently dealing with a new baby would seem like an insurmountable challenge.

Interestedwoman · 07/10/2019 21:52

Oh, man. I think anyone would be pissed off if their husband left (even temporarily) when they were 5 months pregnant. No, it's not ok- or at least, not a good situation.

It does seem like you both rushed into this relationship. But that's no excuse for how he's acted, or I'm sure it doesn't feel like it to you. It's understandable to be angry. xx

If your husband is depressed he needs to get help rather than making life more difficult for you. If he comes crawling back, it's up to you how much you make him sweat :)

If (god willing) your home situation improves, your son gets better etc, would you be happy if he just swanned back in- a fairweather husband? You'd never know if you could rely on him again if times got hard for you in any way.

I would maybe say to him that your son is working on his behaviour, but that he himself needs to seek professional help for his own issues before he returns. If he can't handle things, it'll just blow up again. So maybe if he gets therapy you'll see whether this becomes someone you and your kids can rely on. Because at the moment, it seems like he's not.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/10/2019 22:06

it's up to you how much you make him sweat :)

Don't do this unless you're willing to be a single mother to 4 children.

Original poster

Sandysweep · 07/10/2019 22:17

My son's father isn't the best (I think hes the root cause of my sons issues) so I try not to get him too involved as more often than not he makes the situation worse. Hes a very aggressive, intimidating man and my son doesn't have a great relationship with him.
As for the relationship with my husband being rushed, I understand why a lot of people have said this, but I'm in my late 30's, he's in his late 40's, we've both been round the block a few times lol. We both know what we want out of life, and its each other. I know it's hard to believe but we really did have an idealic relationship. We never even argued until recently, and he's my best friend as well as my husband. We have the same views and values and until recently we really were a team. Something seems to have changed in him. To be honest I'm wondering if he's suffering with depression? His job has become increasingly high pressured and I wonder if the pressure of work, plus it not being a calm environment at home has pushed him too far.
My son is 9. He is a very sweet sensitive boy but also has a lot of anger. He escalates very quickly, calls me every name under the sun and gets verbally aggressive. On occasions he has smashed/broken things, but this isn't a regular occurrence. The thing is when me and my husband first got together my son was 20 times worse, but my husband was amazing with him. He really helped out, and would step in and support me when I needed it. Something has changed literally overnight. Its like that caring side of him has just vanished.
We've sat down and talked lots about how he feels and he just says it's my son getting him down. I cant help but think it's more than that. But what I dont know. We've spoke on the phone this evening and he says he still feels down. I've asked if he thinks he may be depressed but he snaps at me and says he's not. I really don't know where things are going to go or what to do. I've been introduced to 'therapeutic parenting' and I really think its a style of parenting that will help my sons behaviour. I'm quite positive that if we adopt this style in our home it'll help, but I need my husband to be on board for it to work. At the moment I feel like he's just given up.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 07/10/2019 22:23

Maybe he's worried about how your DS will react to new baby and is thinking that he may not take to it too well. I assume DH wanted a baby?
I think look for more support with DS. His outbursts will be worse once he's bigger and stronger. Sorry no advice but hope it gets sorted.

Original poster

Sandysweep · 07/10/2019 22:25

As for the baby, it was something we both really wanted. My son had a long period of being calm and settled and we really felt he'd turned a corner. But we were wrong! I just feel a bit let down to be honest, I had this picture in my head that my pregnancy would be an exciting happy time for both of us, but so far it hasn't panned out that way. My husband has absolutely doted on me the whole of our relationship and I thought the pregnancy would be the same. I feel a bit stupid thinking that now.

OP posts:

Elieza · 07/10/2019 22:26

I think your husband may just be worn down by stress at work and burned out by your son. It must be really difficult for your husband to be around your son when he’s being really horrible to your husband. It must be soul destroying. He’s not his flesh and blood so that probably makes it harder to put up with the verbal abuse. Tbh I don’t know if I could handle it, it’s a tough situation OP but I can see how you would feel abandoned at a very important time. I Don’t know if some kind of professional help would help you all?

converseandjeans · 07/10/2019 22:27

He has let you down. Hopefully he will see this in time to make it up to you. Him leaving won't help DS I don't imagine.
Sorry his own Dad is useless. Is there a Grandad who is good role model? That sometimes helps.

Savingforarainyday · 07/10/2019 22:31

Your dh is nearly 50, and now he's about to have 4 kids...?

Does he have other kids?
( sorry if I missed this)

mooncuplanding · 07/10/2019 22:38

If your DH was your ds's father I would react differently and say he is BU but you are actually asking a lot here, You are expecting him to be the father to your child when he is not.

I'm sorry this sounds harsh but he isn't his father and I think you are BU for him to take on all this responsibility.

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