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Original poster

Should I feel annoyed by husband leaving me when I'm 5 months pregnant???

72 replies

Sandysweep · 07/10/2019 20:25

So I just want to get other peoples opinions on my situation.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for 2. Im currently 5 months pregnant, and I have 3 children from a previous relationship. My son is very difficult to deal with, and is receiving help from camhs. He's not a bad kid at all, but does have problems with his temper and anger. He gets into rages and genuinely cant control himself, but I'm working hard to resolve it.
My husband does get a lot of back chat and mouth from him (as do I!) but recently he's really started to take it personally, and has told me he doesn't like my son. I have noticed my husband's behaviour has changed, its like he's really low and depressed, and he says its because of my son. Anyway, things came to a head over the weekend, my husband announced he couldn't cope with living in our house any longer and he went back to his mum's. I have no idea how long for. My initial reaction was that I could understand his decision and that a break would maybe do him good, give him space to think etc. But having thought about it today I'm now thinking has he been totally selfish?? I'm left here pregnant, having to deal with 3 kids on my own, whilst he's off having a nice little rest at his mother's! Now they aren't his children, but I'm his wife, wouldn't he want to be here and support me? I find the situation with my son hard, but I cant run away, no matter how much I'd like to sometimes! But I get my husband is really down and struggling with home life. My question is, how would other people feel if they were in my shoes? And what would you do? Up until 2 months ago things were really good. My husband was amazing, so supportive and thoughtful. He was my rock and I felt I had his support through everything, no matter what. It's all deteriorated really quickly, and it seems the man I fell in love with has gone. I'm now here on my own not really knowing what to think or do.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 07/10/2019 22:41

He jumped in at the deep end really.
I think he’s telling you it’s too much for him.

Sorry OP

Original poster
Sandysweep · 07/10/2019 22:45

No I do totally get it must be hard for him, and I've told him that. My son really loves my husband and it's upset him that he's not around, as it has my girls. I'm all for getting professional help/ family therapy but I don't know how up for it hubby would be. His behaviour just recently is so out of character for him.
He does have other grown up children. We just really wanted a child together, it was something we discussed a lot and not a decision we took lightly. I just cant believe it's gone so pear shaped.

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 22:51

I just cant believe it's gone so pear shaped

Really??? Confused

pikapikachu · 07/10/2019 22:51

If I knew your h in real life I'd tell him (before the pregnancy) that he was rushing things. Your 3 kids are on the fast track to being teens when the parenting gets much harder (I imagine for step parents even more so)

People often say on MN that it takes 2 years to truly know someone and it sounds like he was worked out that step parenting is too hard for him which is understandable. Having a stepchild with anger problems (because of a man who should be a source of the kid's happiness) must be extremely difficult.

I'd understand if you were pissed off that he didn't realise that he wasn't cut out for are parenting before making your pregnant. However I think both of you took a risk (quickly having a baby) that rarely pays off and it's something that you're both responsible for.

Original poster
Sandysweep · 07/10/2019 22:54

I've never expected him to be a father to my kids at all, it was a role he wanted. He wanted to be a part of our family, to be involved and help me raise them. I've never imposed anything on him at all. And I never hid my kids from him, he knew from the beginning I came with 3 children. And until recently he's been an amazing stepdad to them. Something somewhere has changed and I cant work out how or why

OP posts:
CornishCreation · 07/10/2019 22:57

Nearly 50 and running back to mummy? He seriously needs to start acting his age and step up to his responsibility to his wife and unborn child, I'm surprised his mother hasn't sent him home, relationships take hard work and effort and babies are even harder.

Whoops75 · 07/10/2019 23:00

He already reared a family and thought he could do it again.
I’d imagine he’s feeling awful but can’t commit to the plan anymore.

No point saying ye rushed etc
You’re going to have to think about moving on without him.

onetimeonlyy · 07/10/2019 23:01

Have you talked to him? When you say it was good a few months back you are only mention about what he gave to you, being kind, supportive etc but what about what you and your DC gave him? It feels quite one sided.

Though I think he is selfish for leaving while you are pregnant and not working through the issues or upset he has.

Dawn99 · 07/10/2019 23:13

How well do you get on with his mother? If he won’t talk about what else is going on for him then maybe she can clue you in.
It sounds like there’s more going on than just stuff between your son and Dh and it seems like he’s shutting you out which is the crux of the problem imo. Almost anything can be resolved if there’s honest and heart to heart conversation happening.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 07/10/2019 23:54

Could it be that he's looking at your DS and worrying that the new baby will go through a similar period of behaving in a similar way? Or do you think the reality of having the new baby might have suddenly hit him?
YANBU to feel annoyed, but you need to communicate with him and find out what's going through his mind right now, for why he's avoiding his entire life and acting like a kid all of a sudden, since it sounds like it's very out of character.

Interestedwoman · 08/10/2019 00:11

IDK why some other posters are feeling for him so much- well I do, but as others have said, he's let you down.

Maybe he is depressed- in which case he needs to get help, otherwise there is no excuse. The fact remains that he's unreliable. Maybe insist he seeks help? You could put it in his own terms- that he could seek counselling to help him cope with the situation with your son, which he says he's finding hard, etc?

Dumplings4dinner · 08/10/2019 00:25

I don’t think you should should be annoyed at him for leaving you to look after your 3 children. They are your children, not his. And you have been together for only a short time.

But I would be very concerned about the future. What would his plans be in the future with your baby? 3 children (one who is exceptionally difficult) and a newborn will be very hard. He needs to step up to caring for his own baby when the time comes. Do you think he will and how will he do this without having to interact with your son? I’m assuming contact with the baby will consist of frequent visits in your home which will mean he will be around your son also. This could become very difficult for you all.

lexiepuppy · 08/10/2019 00:56

If your Hubby has depression , he needs meds or therapy.
Can your husband try to bond with your son by taking him to football/rugby or swimming something that will knock the energy and aggression out of your son and help your hubby to bond with him. He can stand on the sidelines and encourage your son.
I guess your hubby is overwhelmed, I am not excusing his behaviour, I think you need an honest discussion with him.
Good luck.Flowers

RolytheRhino · 08/10/2019 01:05

Oh dear, OP. I think he's being very selfish, but then depression is a very selfish illness. Is it possible he's met someone else and is trying to push you into being the one to end it?

DonKeyshot · 08/10/2019 01:21

I'm curious to know what led you to therapeutic parenting, why you believe it will be of help to your ds who does not appear to suffer from any attachment disorder, and how long have you been practising it? Do you have support from a mentor/guide/group etc or are you going it alone?

A child of 6 is very different to a 9yo and it sounds as if your ds is mirroring his df's behaviour which must have become increasingly hard for your dh to tolerate.

Has your ds been given a diagnosis and how does he behave in school?

What strategies have you put in place to help him control himself when he gets into a rage and what sanctions do you impose when he does not listen to the, or a, voice of reason and gives you a 'lot of back chat'?

How do his rages impact on your dd and what steps are you taking to ensure that the forthcoming addition to your family is welcomed by your ds and won't be further cause for him to act out?

VenusTiger · 08/10/2019 02:11

You keep saying something has changed OP. It’s called bending till you break.
He can’t cope. He can’t take anymore. Maybe he’ll return after he’s had a break, but it’s not because something has suddenly changed.

PickedByYou · 08/10/2019 04:09

Oh dear what a sad situation. You've both raced into the marriage and raced into having a child. You had three kids with a man who you say is aggressive so I don't think you should have trusted your judgement so readily with your current husband.

TBH I don't think you've put your existing children's needs first but what is done is done. It's very normal for a new couple to want to have a joint kid even though it can make things complicated.

I don't think it's possible to tell if you husband has acted unreasonably or not. If he has a serious MH issue then I imagine bolting to his Mam's is understandable. You just don't know. A challenging 6 year old is different to a challlinging 9 year old. Perhaps your husband has only just started to think about how things will pan out with the new baby.

I'd suggest family therapy?

If it's easy for him to go to his Mam's maybe he could have a break from the family for his MH (if that's the issue) He could still help out with chores etc but escape the day to day grind - I think there were times when my kids were little where a break would have been beneficial for me (and they are my kids and I don't suffer from any MH issues).

AgentJohnson · 08/10/2019 05:11

Some people are very good at presenting the very best side of themselves until they can’t and they no longer care to keep up the incredible amount of effort.

You’re not unreasonable to feel hurt and angry but you both moved the relationship along too quickly.

PirateWeasel · 08/10/2019 05:24

You ask what's changed and the answer could be simply that it's just hit him that you have a new baby on the way soon. He could be panicking that 1) he's forgotten what to do if it's been 20 odd years since he had a baby before, 2) the new baby will be a handful like your DS, 3) four kids will be too many to handle, 4) it was too soon in your relationship to add the extra pressure.... and any amount of other worries new parents have. Could he have been getting flak from your ex as well, or don't they have any contact?

category12 · 08/10/2019 06:04

You rushed the relationship.
You rushed into pregnancy.
And he's not who you thought he was.

If he can't cope with your dc, he needs to be gone and stay gone. Your dc need to come first, not some middle aged man throwing a strop.

Cupcakesandcurlyfries · 08/10/2019 09:21

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ravenmum · 08/10/2019 09:40

Reading the thread title my first thought was "Not another woman being treated awfully and apparently begging for crumbs of affection", but reading your OP, your dh is in a very hard situation, too. Of course you're not happy with him vanishing, but of course he isn't happy with having to control your son's rages.

You say this is a sudden change. Has anything changed recently that you know about, e.g. someone been ill or died, your dh having a new supervisor or job? Changes in his work sector, e.g. maybe he works in the travel business and might have been shaken by the Thomas Cook thing? Have any of his friends or colleagues broken up recently? Has he joined a club or mentioned meeting a new person (who might e.g. be telling him that it's not fair on him to be responsible for controlling your son)? Has he been talking to his ex-wife?

ravenmum · 08/10/2019 09:44

Surprised at people laughing at this guy for "running back to mummy" at 50. I'm 50; if I was in trouble and had nowhere else to go, my parents are both still in decent nick and would put me up for a while. Nothing weird or shameful about that.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 08/10/2019 09:57

@ravenmum I completely agree. How many women get told to go back to their parents on here when their relationship breaks down and they need support? Are they pathetically running back to mummy?

Id say a pretty massive change is your mother meeting, moving in, marrying and getting pregnant with a guy.
There could be a correlation between his behaviour and this situation.

PlasticPatty · 08/10/2019 09:59

Let the 'hubby' stay with his mum.
Sort out your life for just you and the children.