Should I feel annoyed by husband leaving me when I'm 5 months pregnant???

[Sandysweep]

So I just want to get other peoples opinions on my situation.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for 2. Im currently 5 months pregnant, and I have 3 children from a previous relationship. My son is very difficult to deal with, and is receiving help from camhs. He's not a bad kid at all, but does have problems with his temper and anger. He gets into rages and genuinely cant control himself, but I'm working hard to resolve it.
My husband does get a lot of back chat and mouth from him (as do I!) but recently he's really started to take it personally, and has told me he doesn't like my son. I have noticed my husband's behaviour has changed, its like he's really low and depressed, and he says its because of my son. Anyway, things came to a head over the weekend, my husband announced he couldn't cope with living in our house any longer and he went back to his mum's. I have no idea how long for. My initial reaction was that I could understand his decision and that a break would maybe do him good, give him space to think etc. But having thought about it today I'm now thinking has he been totally selfish?? I'm left here pregnant, having to deal with 3 kids on my own, whilst he's off having a nice little rest at his mother's! Now they aren't his children, but I'm his wife, wouldn't he want to be here and support me? I find the situation with my son hard, but I cant run away, no matter how much I'd like to sometimes! But I get my husband is really down and struggling with home life. My question is, how would other people feel if they were in my shoes? And what would you do? Up until 2 months ago things were really good. My husband was amazing, so supportive and thoughtful. He was my rock and I felt I had his support through everything, no matter what. It's all deteriorated really quickly, and it seems the man I fell in love with has gone. I'm now here on my own not really knowing what to think or do.

Thank you to everyone for your input. There have been some helpful responses (and some not so much!)
I get on brilliantly with my mil and we've been talking a lot. She noticed a change in my husband too, way before I mentioned anything. My gut feeling is that he is depressed, and mil agrees. I have brought this up with him but he doesn't agree, says I'm just trying to make him think he's crazy. But I suffered for years with anxiety and depression so I kind of recognise it in him. I was at my worst when I met him and he was so kind and supportive, and really got me through it, so I feel that now I owe him the same patience and kindness. Despite this recent turn of events he really is a good man, he's just having a difficult time. I'm going to give him the space and time he needs and see where it goes. I will ask him in a few days if he hasn't improved if he'll reconsider going to the dr. I'm not ready to give up on him, or our situation yet. Having said that, I have prepared myself for the worst. I'm a strong woman and if I have to raise my family alone then so be it. I just hope and pray it doesn't come to that.

You seem to not be listening to everyone who is saying the same thing - you’ve rushed into this.

Marrying someone within a year of meeting would be ridiculously quick for anyone, more so anyone with kids, let alone kids with issues.

Having a baby was only ever going to inflame the situation with your son. He has no/little relationship with his dad and now he’s being pushed out of his relationship with his step dad by a new baby (whether true or not that will be how he sees it). Of course his behaviour will suffer.

In relation to your DH, he’s nearly 50. That is old to be having to start again with babies while dealing with another 3 kids (that aren’t his) nearing the awful teen years, one of whom has worsening behaviour issues. What was the logic behind another baby when you already have 3 and he has grown up kids. What would another baby bring to your situation when you look at the other factors (ie how it will negatively impact the house).

Bluntly - he’s old, stressed, knackered and it sounds like he’s now depressed and struggling to cope. And I’m not sure I could blame him. And you can talk about the ideal picture of a blended family all you like, but your kids are not his and it’s hard enough to deal with such issues when they are your own, let alone when they’re not.

However, to a degree all this is irrelevant. You are where you are and you BOTH made your choices.

You do need to understand the enormity of how much his life has changed and support him in he same way he needs to support you. I don’t think you want to understand / acknowledge just how much he’s taken on so quickly with little adjustment period, perhaps because maybe you’d have to acknowledge some mistakes were made. But you can’t move forwards if you don’t.

He needs to find strategies to cope (as do you) and you need to talk. Call him, ask him when he’s coming home and go from there. Discuss what you both need, even if it is time off. Sometimes it’s easier to deal with something if you know you can escape it soon for a bit.

And if possible you need to let this episode go - maybe explain you feel unsupported and don’t want it to happen again but don’t hold it against him (particularly if his mental health is struggling) if he works to support you going forward. People are allowed mistakes.

That sounds a bit like I’m having a go at you and I’m not - but you need to face facts to move forwards. I wish you luck.

He went from meeting you to parenting your son with special needs within a year. Honestly that’s a lot for anyone and while I appreciate he might be good for your DS, did you ever stop to think about the effect of your DS on him? I think you allowed him to parent far, far too soon - stuff like this needs to be taken slowly even when you don’t have a child with special needs. Don’t resent him for this break, encourage it, keep him involved with the baby and appointments etc and take it slowly. Also, what is your plan in case your son’s rages spill over onto the baby? It’s difficult to think about but you probably need to ask yourself if the baby be safer living away from you after it’s born.

Out of curiosity, how did you meet your husband?

Is that curiosity as to whether it started out as an affair by any chance?

I will ask him in a few days if he hasn't improved if he'll reconsider going to the dr.
I wonder if he resisted the idea because he thinks you are saying "Oh it's not your situation that's making you feel sad, you're just depressed"? I'm sure that's not what you mean, but I wonder if he might see your focus on depression as you avoiding the issues he's brought up?

He very well may not be depressed and you need to consider that. If he's living in a shitty situation that's not depression. He's saying he can't live in the house with your sons behaviour carrying non as it is.
Instead of badgering him about drs why not tell him exactly what's going to happen to stop your sons aggression.

My son's father isn't the best (I think hes the root cause of my sons issues) so I try not to get him too involved as more often than not he makes the situation worse. Hes a very aggressive, intimidating man and my son doesn't have a great relationship with him.

I think your anger about the lack of support you are having for your son should be aimed at his father and not your husband.

Your husband sounds depressed and as if he needs support. However, I’m guessing he has given all he can to supporting you and now has reached breaking point for himself. He is quite possible scared of the future with four children from next year, when just two years ago he didn’t have any children. That’s a but adjustment on its own.

Would you consider counselling so you can both chat about your worries and upset to see how you can move forward?

The other guy has at least two children of his own, and will now be at least partially responsible for six or more children.

You say he's been an amazing stepdad up till now but he needs to prove he's amazing whilst he's dealing with the crap times as well. If he can't do that well then he's not amazing is he?
I think you're right with the therapeutic parenting strategy and if I were you I'd be looking for more support for your son throughchildrens services before he hits adolescence. Sometimes the services they offer can be more useful than Camhs.
For what it's worth from an outside POV I think you've moved too fast with setting up with new man and having another baby.
Leave dh to it at his mums if he can't cope with your son. Put your kids first.

Hope he is just having a wobble, lots of men get panicky when partner pregnant. Is everything ok at work? If he can't buck up he should see gp or get counselling. You could try relate for couple or family therapy.
Try to carve out some time to talk. Yes be understanding but say you can't carry on not knowing forever

You say he's been an amazing stepdad up till now but he needs to prove he's amazing whilst he's dealing with the crap times as well. If he can't do that well then he's not amazing is he?

She’s been clear her son’s behaviour has been this way since they got together so I’d say he’s been there through the crap times. OP’s placed him in a white knight role and it may be that he’s just hit a wall with the 9 year old’s terrible outbursts on top of step parenting which takes a while to get used to, maintaining relationships with his own DC and OP expecting him to compensate for her terrible ex. It’s a lot and while he agreed to bring yet another child into the mix maybe he needs a short break to sort his head out. Being nearly 50 doesn’t make him more capable than nearly 40, having had children doesn’t make having step children easier, OP is pregnant not disabled or ill, she mentions no particularly challenging symptoms and she’s been pregnant before and knew she’d have to cope with it as well as parenting her existing children, and it’s primarily her job to look after her 3, not his. The idea that he’s abandoned her to care for her own children is a bit wet. She was presumably doing fine before he came along.

Your children are making him depressed and anxious listen to what hes saying to you!

Why didn't you sort the children out you already had without getting another one involved?

Sometimes I really do wonder about people

@ravenmum no not curiosity as to whether it started as an affair. I just wondered if they had known each other for some time before they started to date? . Was it an on-line meet? I think that it can make a difference as to how well you know a person. As a lot of people have stated, married within a year of dating is quick. But if you've known the other person for a long time before, then it's not quick.
Whether it all began as an affair is their business, doesn't interest me.

@Sandysweep
First of all I’m sorry you have extra worries to deal with at what is a busy time preparing for baby.

I have zero experience in all the issues facing you, but when I read your posts and the thread, the thought repeatedly going through my head is:

1. your well-being - you sound strong and capable but you will be more tired and also stressed from the sudden change in support structure plus baby getting bigger, so look after yourself in terms of nutrition and rest and ask friends / family for bits of help if need be. Soldiering on doesn’t get you prizes and the busy times will continue when baby arrives
2. your husband’s well-being - he doesn’t sound like the standard useless bloke that MN likes to shoot down in flames. I think he’s well-meaning and loving but nearing the end of his tether. It would mean a lot for someone in this situation to have reassurances that depression / anxiety / burnout happens to the most resilient of people. And that it takes time to get better and it may well need a lot of outside help, not just sitting quietly in mum’s home. He might need to talk things over with a professional, medication if indicated. I think he will benefit from neutral updates from you, without rush or blame even if there is a time element on this.
3. well-being of the children: I think you are best at deciding what’s good for the children. Most of all I wanted to say that when things seem overwhelming, don’t be rash and make hasty decisions, don’t say hasty things you will regret: there’s always time to mull over what you want to say and do, then do it for the benefit of yourselves.

Break things down into small bite-sized pieces and I hope it will mean that you will manage most things on your own while your husband tries to get himself back to previous form. None of that was particularly useful, I just had to say it in case you’re too caught up to realise that you can take a step back in most situations and take things a day or two at a time for now.

Sorry, you really needed to sort out your son, Ppl saying you are a package deal do not understand, he can not shout or discipline your DC and I am sure those saying he has abandoned you would be screaming if he did. You should have protected him from your sons behaviour and not, as it seems accept it and allow it to continue. No wonder he is depressed and feels he cant take anymore.

This sounds all too much, all too soon.

I think you need to listen to what your DH is saying

@AllDaySnacker thank you, that was a really helpful post from you. It was more helpful than you thought ❤

AllDaySnacker has told you what you want to hear, OP, and while there is a lot of good sense the content, I would like to know when you began therapeutic parenting and whether you and your dh have been receiving support or have you been going it alone?

It’s selfish of him he can’t run away every time life gets hard. Your son is probably acting out because of the pregnancy. Good luck OP I hope it all works out for you

It’s selfish of him he can’t run away every time life gets hard

Again, who says he has? It’s been “difficult” from day one by the sounds of things. This is the first time he’s walked away, and he hasn’t dumped her, he’s taking a break and staying with his relative. That’s sensible, not childish or pathetic or any of the other criticisms being levelled at the man. OP, I’m sure, is more than capable of looking after her children and knew what that was like for a lot longer than her husband did before deciding to have another baby.

What on earth made you think any of this was a good idea for your existing children
Did you actually consider them at all
Before moving in a man you hardly knew ,marrying him ,and getting pregnant by him..
Did you ask your kids if they wanted any of this .
No .thought not .

Could your sons deteriorated behaviour be due in part to you being pregnant? Your dh is supposed to be an adult. He is not reliable if he runs back to Mummy when life gets hard. I would not be taking him back. In the long run you will be better off without him.