My mum steals off me

[Cherrypicker01]

Bit of a weird one really.

I had a really strained relationship with my mother as a child, she had a few mental health issues which lead me leaving home when I was 13. We didn’t see each other for some time after she tried to commit suicide when I felt and there was a family dispute over the reason for it being me leaving. The only reason I left is because I was that miserable at home I wanted to end it myself, the leaving was a last survival tactic to get out. Fast forward a few years I tried again with her, she was worse by this point mentally and I offered to move in with her and help her – she took offense to this, called me a cheeky bitch and said she never wanted to see me again.

I had my first DD when I was 21, and after I got pregnant our relationship started growing again. My DD is 7 now and she has a great relationship with her nan. My mum offers to help out with the school run a lot, I heavily reply on her for childcare and pickups as I’m in full time employment. We’ve helped each other out money wise when we have both been in need, and we have both lived at each other’s for a few months when we have been transitioning between homes etc.

The problem is she’s still not a very nice woman at all and will lie at every chance she gets (shes good at it as well.) She frequently steals form my home if she childminds. It’s not major things, but she will be sure to swipe a bag of half my toilet rolls, coffee ,anything basic etc. She does not work due to her health so she is often struggling with money but when I confront her about it and ask if she has seen things which are missing she will flat out deny it. For example, I bought two of the comfort intense fab cons a few month back, and when I was running low on the first I went to look for the second to find it missing. I asked if she had seen it – she said no. A few days later I go to her flat to find her busy cleaning – my bottle of comfort on the top of her dresser in the living room. I know for a fact she won’t spend on anything like that it is rare she buys fab con at all, and I know its only fabric conditioner but it’s not cheap and it’s still a cost on my shop!!

She’s stolen money off my ex-partner as well whilst cleaning – going through his drawers and ripping a bag clean open – no attempt to sneak it - with change in it (only coppers and a few silvers). She’d swiped half the bag. My partner at the time noticed and confronted me about it, you can imagine my embarrassment that my own mother would steal off my partner! She was less than remorseful when I asked her about it too with responses like ‘its only coppers he’d not going to miss it’ and ‘well he’s got a full time decent job, I need it more than he does’ like she genuinely believes she’s done no wrong and she’s entitled to it!

She’s such a mass of destruction as well, whenever she has been at my home I’ve found glass on the kitchen floor from a glass she’s smashed but has hidden in the bin and would never admit to and not cleaned up properly (it was my DD that told me about it the next day!) and a few week ago I found my front room window key bent to snapping point in the lock, which snapped as soon as I tried to get it out like she’d been ragging it about). Its constant damage, things going missing and me thinking I’m going crazy.

She uses me as well, but because she’s so helpful with my DD I feel like I can’t blame her for it or say anything. She constantly pestering me for money ill get a text every week saying she cant afford electric and she’ll text me three times asking in an hour or for days straight and if I dint reply I always get ‘its okay ill just sit in the dark until Friday…’ trying to make me feel bad. She always gives the money back in the timescale that she says but when I ask her again what the money is for she will say that my brother is struggling with money too (he earns more than me, never contributes to the bills and they live together!) and she needs food in the house for his dinners, which is fair enough but the day after he’ll have gone and bought himself a sports car or a new bike or something ridiculous!!

Im being taken for an absolute mug and its embarrassing! Im so fed up of it all ive been lying to her saying Ive lost my bank card because I don’t want to fund his ridiculous lifestyle!. A new one is that shes been asking to borrow my vaccum cleaner as she doesn’t have one but I wont get it back for weeks and when I do get it back I will literally have it for a day or two before she asks again and its been like that over the summer. So not only cant I vac my carpets half the time, I have bought myself a vac and without even realising she owns it now too!

My DD absolutely adores this woman and as much as Ive wanted to cut ties with her, I just cant do that to DD. I’d be screwed without that school run help as well. Ive never written this to anyone either it feel weird to get it all out but I am just so fed up with the lies and the using and how pester and ‘not normal’ she is its upsetting.

@AhNowTed

I’m sorry but I found your response quite rude and uncalled for.

I bend over backwards for this woman, and what I get back is her stealing from me, lying to me, breaking my things and being rude and disrespectful.

Read my post properly. I am not begrudging coffee. I am begrudging being taken advantage of. I’ve provided all sorts over the years for her but it’s got to the point now where she’s expecting more than she should, AND she’s being rude and nasty and stealing from me for it (and lying about it).

As her own daughter, that hurts.

She’s not my child’s childminder. She’s her grandmother. Her grandmother on her dads side has the same role in helping out and will willingly do so but she doesn’t feed off me, steal off me, break my things and lie to my face. I hardly think that’s petty, sorry.

Sorry, OP but you need alternative childcare. At 7 years old, you can book before and after school clubs or a childminder. This will stop the mind games and stealing as your mum is not in the house.

She can continue to be Granny to your DD at weekends. You can also expect her to kick off about the new arrangement - looking after DD gives her power over you, so she can roll over your boundaries.

@category12 I know I do. I’m trying to come to terms with it. I don’t want her feeling offended for taking that time away with her granddaughter either because I know she will ask questions. It’s just a crap situation I didn’t even realise I was in until I was too far in to it

Cherry I wasn't rude in the slightest, I happen to disagree with you.

"She’s not my child’s childminder. She’s her grandmother."

She is both. The "helping out" as you put it is actually a massive commitment on her part.

I would suggest you work out what paid childcare would cost you against the price of loo rolls and fabric conditioner. Perhaps if you paid her even a nominal amount she wouldn't feel the need to swipe your stuff.

As someone who has no family to rely on whatsoever I would have gladly done so.

Mental health issues my foot, she sounds like your common garden variety narcissistic personality disorder case.

And you do not want to continue letting her be a big part of your child's life. My gran was a narcissist and as I got older, she targeted my self esteem. Not to mention, was always trying to play me off against mum. Horrible woman.

Don't let her in your house anymore. And start looking for alternative means of childcare too. Or mark my words, she'll start trying to turn the child against you. Like a puppet master. She already fkd up your childhood, don't let her ruin the rest of your life.

Your mum just isn't a nice woman OP. She wasn't when you were a child and she isn't now. She isn't the person that you wish she was. So the relationship that you're trying to build and the way that you're trying to make up for lost time just isn't go to work. It never existed and it never will. Which is really sad and I'm sorry.

You may have needed this time with her to see it and hopefully to realise that nothing was your fault. (13 when you had to move out for goodness sake, you were still an absolute baby, you poor thing!) Now though, you would do well to draw back again. Start doing things on your terms. So find alternative childcare and then visit her at her house or not at all. Or she can come to yours, but only by invitation and only when you're there too. Don't lend her money just because your brother is the golden child. Does he even pay rent?

She's flattening your boundaries. Soundslike she thinks you owe her for more than just childminding. Probably that awesome parenting she did when you were younger
Disregarding her role in your DD's life, what does she actually bring to yours? Does she make you feel loved and supported? Does she listen to you? Is she even nice to you? Does she act like a mum? Or do you just wish she would?

@Pinkbonbon does she sound like a narcissist? Can you explain that from your point of view?

It is clear that in a lot of ways, she loves me but I just can’t get my head around the stealing thing and everything else. I feel like she does do things on purpose to hurt me sometimes but it’s confusing because I can’t prove it. I got myself in to an emotionally abusive relationship when I was younger (first ever relationship, DD’s dad) and I didn’t know different. Lots of mind games and me apologising for his behaviour. Recently, in therapy last year i started to open my eyes to how my dads been with me, a lot of loaded blaming comments on purpose to raise a reaction out of me. A lot of making fun of me. I never knew he did such a thing it’s all very passive aggressive and stuff I can’t seem to get my head around without hard evidence. I think because of the way my relationships have been with such people I can’t see the light through the trees sometimes without it written in plain fact before me.

When I was younger and NC to her,my dad always said that she was a liar and she was selfish. I never knew what he meant until I had DD and got older.

Please google Narc mother/daughter
You’ll see what this woman is doing-my mother was the same and almost ruined my life as they got older
(I would explain better but I have to go back into work)
Please google this-youll see what I mean

@Rainbowknickers I’ll have a google and see thank you so much!

You need to protect your DD from her. I think you need to step back, introduce boundaries and find alternative childcare.

Do indeed read about the narcissistic mother/daughter dysfunctional dynamic.

You need to break away completely from your mother and brother. She is not the nice kind person you perhaps still want her to be and a person you still on some level seek approval from. She will never be this to you nor give you her approval.

Your mother and golden child brother will continue to act the ways they do. She will continue to leech off you, break your possessions and steal from you as and when she feels like doing so. She will also continue to take money from you to fund her layabout son and his lifestyle. You are the scapegoat here for their inherent ills.

The golden child/scapegoat dynamic is very often seen in dysfunctional families where the parent is a narcissist. At the very least I would think your mother has some forms of untreated - and untreatable personality disorder. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You cannot change them but you can and should certainly change how you react to them because what you have tried to date has not worked.

Your DD is now very much in your mother's line of sight and she will be the next one targeted by her if she is not already. Your mother is not worthy of the term and was frankly a crap parent to you when you were growing up. She has not changed an iota since your own childhood and remains selfish at the very least. Toxic people like your mother do remain the same as grandparent figures too; she is an appalling example of a grandmother to your DD.

Never forget either that if she is too difficult/batshit/nasty for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. DO you want her to continue to grow up seeing this dysfunctional dynamic. You as her mother are still very much mired in fear, obligation and guilt, that could well become your DDs legacy from you to her also. You need boundaries (that will be difficult because your mother's never really encouraged you to have any) and therapy to properly start reclaiming your life here.

Your mother is a sociopath.
Yes sociopath is a mental personality disorder.
Please don't allow her to take care of your daughter. Not for your sake but your daughter's sake.

As others have mentioned, don't be surprised when she starts poisoning your DD mind against you trying to destroy your relationship.

My narc mum used to watch my DD. I was such a fool to ever let her. When DD was around 10, my evil mum started telling my DD that I never wanted her, which was a flat out lie.

V much like a narcissist. Although to be fair she could be any cluster b personality disorder (I've seen wayyyyy more narcissists than the others though).

Selfish, steals, lies, is 'never wrong', never apologises, cold, 'feels like she does things on purpose to hurt me' (I'm sorry, it feels that way - because she does. Trust your intuition). Blames (or WE blame) 'mental health issues' for her rotten behaviour. Constantly trying to get them to understand why their hurtful behaviour - is hurtful. Oy to have it turned round on us!

Definitely read up on NPD. And the scapegoat golden child dynamic. My mum was her mums golden child(like your daughter maybe is...for now) and I was the scapegoat (like you as a child. And perhaps, still). But even the golden child goes through phases of being devalued and have to see the other person being treated badly so, its not a 'safe' position for your daughter. Plus narcs like to switch things up :/

Omg rantyanty, sounds familiar.
My gran would tell me 'you're such an unfilial child, I don't know how your mum could ever love you' and 'you ruined your mums life'. Its like they all follow a script or something.

@rantyanty oh my days that gave me chills.

Come to think of it there has been a few comments that have said here to my DD and there but I’ve been made to be the unreasonable one for it.

My Dds dad got married this month. Last year my DD came up to me and said ‘I’m going to have two mums.’ I said ‘no, you will have one mum and one step mum.’ She goes ‘no, nana said that I’m going to have two mums.’

I was heartbroken by it, she was 6 at the time. I had a go at my mum and she started being nasty saying ‘well she will have two mums’ absolutely insensitive to my feelings. There was tears.

She never directly apologised to me but I think a week later she bought me a little present or something I can’t remember.

It’s stuff like this that’s coming to light now, I’m sorry for all the ranting I’m doing it’s coming out in anger. I’ve not much mentioned this to people because it’s hard to explain and her behaviour is downright strange.

Your daughter loves her because she has love bombed her. She will soon try to turn her against you. Narssistic/sociopath individuals are highly manipulative and shouldn't be around children. If your daughter adores her she is being manipulated too. She will also turn into the golden child or a scapegoat if you don't stop their relationship now. She didn't love you and does not love your daughter as well. I am someone who is very experienced with these personality disorders. Cut all contact.

Sociopath? No, she sounds poor, disfunctional, in ill health with a total pisstaker of a son.

OP you said at the beginning she has a great relationship with your daughter.

Can you try to mitigate against her thieving by giving her a nominal amount?

And if in the end you're really concerned about an unhealthy influence on your DH then your only option is to pay for childcare.

Oh and the other week too come to think of it. I’ve told her before to be strict with Dd if she doesnt eat her tea (she’s known to make her another meal and occasionally a third meal of my Dd says she doesn’t want it) and lets her get away with everything. I’ve told her that she needs structure and rules and I don’t want her becoming a nightmare at mealtimes if she’s expecting to be made fresh meals on demand. She eats what’s in front of her at mine no complaints and she loves all sorts of food but I know Dd knows she has my mum wrapped around her finger and will deliberately try her... anyway.

The other week I wen to collect her and this is exactly what had happened. So I told Dd off for it. My mum tried to stand up for her and I said to my mum ‘no it’s out of order DD knows that she needs to eat whatever she is given...’

My mums got upset.

I left and Dd apologises to me. We had a talk and made up and she promised she’d behave better for nana.

That’s evening I got a horrible message saying that she does everything for me and my Dd and that next time she’ll ‘stick a feeding tube down her throat and force feed her.’

No joke, her words. What a horrible thing to say to me.

But of course I let her off because she picks Dd from school.

I need to distance myself and sort other arrangements I know this, I’m an idiot

Whatever the reasons for your mother being the ways she is (and I would think she does have some form of personality disorder) your DD and you need to stay the hell away from your mother and her layabout son. Any and all money from you to your mother goes to fund his lifestyle.

She has a "great" relationship with your DD mainly and simply because she is easier to manipulate and otherwise control. Your DD has no idea what her grandmother is really like because of her tender age. But she can and has already seen that she is abusive towards you as her mother. She has also seen your reactions no doubt when you realise that things from your home have gone missing again after your mother's visit. Theft is theft no matter who is taking these items.

Yeah that comment about mums was to hurt you. She used your daughter to do it too. It's starting. Get your kid out. Get yourself out. If it were me, having been there n got the T-shirt as a child - I'd pack up my family and move across the friggin country to escape her. Obviously not that simple of course. But look for ways to reduce contact. And educate yourself as much as pos on NPD. Good luck!

Indeed re needing to distance your own self and make other childcare arrangements. These also need to happen sooner rather than later.

Your mother is already trying to use your child as a means of punishing you further. That will continue if it is allowed and you are the only one who can stop that from happening.

OP there are many many threads on here about family looking after children and the OP frustrated that they can't dictate the terms of said childcare.

That's what happens. Granny will let the children away with all sorts.

The only way you can dictate how you want your child to be minded is to seek professional childcare. You can then call the shots.

@AhNowTed

If I gave her a nominal amount, like I do when she cleans, like I do in the school holidays then she will still thieve off me. apart from the money/payment situation, I have bent over backwards for her with help in other areas of life and she has never changed.

Every so often I’ve bought her a bottle of wine or a card or candles or flowers to say thank you for all she does with help and all I’ve got was “I don’t like that wine” or “oh, money would have been better.”

She’s not poor she has enough to live off and feed herself. She puts herself in the situation she’s in because she relies on me to bump her up and I’m sick of being treated like a mug.

I used to do her weekly shopping for her as I have a car and she doesn’t drive. Which was fine I was happy to. But then it changed to texts every night after work “when you are on your way home can you pick up this for me.” Id stop at the shop and all of a sudden it wasn’t just one thing... shed send me a full on list “you might as well get it if you are there anyway.” Every night this ended up being. When I was out of the house at 6am, exhausted from the hours of travel I do daily and not getting back until late at night. All I wanted to do was get home and eat and shower and sleep.

Eventually I stopped doing that because I didn’t get a break. And realised she doesn’t work and she has all day to walk across the road to the shop but she was still getting me to do it because she couldn’t be bothered.

One thing isn’t just merely one thing for her. It’s a full on shop. A few scraps of coffee isn’t just a few scraps. It’s my partner funding for an extra jar in the shop because she’s asking so much. She has the money - she decides to put it in my brothers pocket instead and make me feel guilty for not funding her life as well as mine and my DD’s.