New partner and my child

[Yodasdog]

I need some help to put things into perspective as I think sometimes it can be difficult when you are in the middle of things.

I have a 3 year old (lives with me 5 days a week) and a new partner of about 10 months. I’m starting to feel that there’s some jealousy creeping in from my partner when I am with my child. My partner has said she feels neglected and feels left out when my child and I are cuddled up together. She has said that she feels my attention should be split 50/50 between them, I pointed out that my child is young and needs me and her response was to then agree that my child should come first and to say that she see’s that my child needs more than 50% and should be my priority. But I feel that there’s an undercurrent of that jealousy there.
We have talked about a future and the possibility of having children of our own in a few years but this is really concerning me.

Sorry don’t know how to tag anyone but whoever wrote this:

You said she has a step parent she gets on with so you were expecting her to understand. Actually the opposite might be happening here. All the lack of control and resentment she felt in her childhood might be bubbling to the surface and she's directing that anger at your son in an attempt to rewrite the past.

This is an interesting thought that I hadn’t given consideration before.
I am also female btw, probably should have mentioned that up thread.

Did you two start holding hands and have that interrupted by your child wanting to hold you hand! If so sounds like very typical toddler/young child possessiveness - possibly even more do due to her being a gf and not her mum. The solution would be to hold both (but ridiculous) or for her to accept that small children will be like that until they grow up/out of it and to be stoical and mature about it.

It sounds like she's not really able to do that easily and is not mature enough to deal with a partner's cjild/potential step child.

Her attitude towards your ex (and who knows maybe you do let your ex away with shit due to your desire to coparent peacefully/successfully) also suggests she's not mature and stoical enough to be in this situation.

If it weren't for the stupid, weird comments about getting 50% of your attention etc. I might've had a little bit of sympathy and felt for her in a situation where she's dealing with a (possibly) jealous, possessive young child and an ex who always gets her way (so you get access to your child and peace) .... But that's the way things are, it's a common situation; it's definitely not for everyone; and she's apparently not able to handle it.

Sorry read "always gets his/her way" in the above as not sure now whether your ex is man or woman.

Get her far away from you both before her toxic issues affect your child.

I had an awful, jealous and spiteful step mother who got worse and worse until I stopped seeing my father altogether. I now have no relationship with him and will never forgive him for not protecting us children from such a person.

You can't let your child be her guinea pig while she works through her childhood issues though, or you'll be creating childhood issues for your child! Lots of adults still haven't dealt when their issues. Some never do but most don't take it out on children.

Someone said leave if she ever starts behaving badly to your child. She already is. Don't run the risk of that worsening

My ex and I are friendly, she’s not my favourite person and I’m probably not hers, but we get on. I have him 5 days a week and my ex has him 2 nights. I don’t think I let the ex get away with murder, I just don’t enter into arguments where they aren’t necessary and my current partner seems to find this unacceptable. When I pointed out that this really isn’t any of her business she got arsey with me.

And yes to the typical toddler possessiveness, he is a typical 3 year old, he naturally wants me all to himself and will naturally want to take my hand instead of her when on the sofa etc.
I can’t believe a grown woman finds this so hard to understand. She knew I had a child, we were friends for a year before we got involved so it’s not like this is a shock.
I think immature is definitely the appropriate word. I feel very drained by it.

I just don’t enter into arguments where they aren’t necessary and my current partner seems to find this unacceptable.

Sounds v sensible and mature of you, the opposite of your current partner.

he naturally wants me all to himself and will naturally want to take my hand instead of her when on the sofa etc.
I can’t believe a grown woman finds this so hard to understand.

Well as I said you could theoretically hold both, bit that's not really the point. She just sounds too immature and unreasonable to handle the situation.

She knew I had a child, we were friends for a year before we got involved so it’s not like this is a shock.

This must be v frustrating and disappointing, but the reality is that people can imagine what it's like to be in a relationship with a mum or dad but really don't know what it's truly like and how they'll handle it til they're right in it. And she doesn't seem to have the maturity or personality to handle it.

Not to say dealing with little kids can't be v stressful and difficult; it is for their own parents let alone people not related to them, who have no real child care experience .... It takes a special person to handle it well and she doesn't sound like it.

Id imagine you feel drained enough parenting a young child 5 days a week without this on top. Perhaps another mum might be a better bet as a decent partner and potential step parent.

A cousin of mine recently discovered that she can't do the step-parent role. She really loved the guy but she just couldn't help but to be resentful of his role as an active father. She concluded that things could have been different if he was less amicable with his ex (she'd never had a partner who still had an ex in their life let alone a partner who counted an ex as a friend) and if he saw his child less often (there was an informal arrangement which meant he'd have/see his child for visits or overnight as their parents work schedule required). She couldn't bear the thought that most of their holidays would include the child. She couldn't deal with the fact that he would always have financial ties there. She really felt terrible because I think there is pressure to be the type of person who makes a fantastic SP but she just isn't. Maybe if it is someone who rarely sees their child.

Maybe if it is someone who rarely sees their child.

Which would make them a shit parent & person and ironically the sort of person you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

Not necessarily. Hubby's cousin rarely sees his children ATM because he's one of the Jamaicans caught in the Windrush scandal so he's stuck in JA. She would likely consider a relationship with someone only likely to see their children every couple of years or so.

@ChilledBee it's good she was honest about her feelings. It sounds like a lucky escape for her ex and his child though. He sounds like a great dad

Meh he wasn't Dad of the Year but he knew that her feelings meant they can't be together so yeah, he passes the test.

Yoda she has real issues.

My thoughts:

Ok, she's speaking up when she feels bad - but what she's feeling is not good, and probably too hard to fix without risking your child's proper emotional development and happiness (not to mention yours). She is jealous on several fronts. And this jealousy is already preventing her from bonding with your little boy.

In her childhood, she's had a separation which was beyond her control and just have hurt her deeply. So now anyone who is hers has to be totally hers. Your son gets in the way. She's also jealous of your love for him and the very fact you have a child. Because she wants to bask in that golden light and he your child. She wants all that love and can't begin to think of sharing it.

The normal behaviour here of a viable step parent would have been for her to develop her own warm relationship with your son (not difficult with a cute little child, usually) - harder when they're older - and she's known him fir a good while). She is in no way the right person to have a kid with as she'll cause even more problems then, and tangible hurt to your son.

Nope. Show her the door. Quick. Because I also have a feeling she won't want to let you go 😬

Hubby's cousin rarely sees his children ATM because he's one of the Jamaicans caught in the Windrush scandal so he's stuck in JA. She would likely consider a relationship with someone only likely to see their children every couple of years or so.

Well that's a fairly unusual situation. Most decent parents see their kids regularly.

What set this off today was we were all on the sofa watching a film and she tried to hold my hand, my child wanted to hold my hand instead as he was lying on me. She then said she felt left out and excluded
She said this later on, I presume?
I remember being age 6 and my mother bringing a boyfriend home. She was on the settee; her bf on one side, me on the other. I remember it after all this time because it felt very uncomfortable sitting like that with someone I didn't know.
From this and other experiences as a stepchild, I personally hold back from displays of affection when my bf's daughter is around, as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. We've been together almost 3 years now.
He just has her 3 or 4 days a week, so there's usually no need for me to even be around when his daughter is there. Maybe you could reconsider your arrangements next time you have a partner, so your son doesn't have to have as much contact?

End. This. Now.

If she's like this now, imagine what would happen if you had kids together?

She would constantly make you feel like you're choosing your son over other children to the point you'd end up treating him worse so she felt like it was 'fair'.

You sound like you're doing a great job and it's so lovely that you can co-parent with your ex.
Your son is your priority. Don't let her change that.

Here's another thought, her 50/50 comment actally does show another concerning side to her in that maybe she is looking to you as a mother figure. She seems be adopting a parent:child relationship with you rather than an adult:adult one, which extends to sibling rivalry with your son.

This is another major red flag to me as it shows she doesn't have the emotional maturity to potentially sustain an adult relationship.

Please tell me you don't leave her alone with your son. That would scare the hell out of me given her building resentment and jealousy.

Do NOT ignore these massive, fuck off, red flags flying in your face.
Dump and run!!!!!

Anyfucker puts it perfectly!

What set this off today was we were all on the sofa watching a film and she tried to hold my hand, my child wanted to hold my hand instead as he was lying on me. She then said she felt left out and excluded
Do you only have one hand?

She sounds too immature, needy and possessive.
If you have kids with her she'll expect you to give them 'more' of everything simply because DC1 has 'had more of you' for longer.

I think you have no choice but to break up with her. It’s only 3 months.

Ideally you should feel invigorated rather than drained early in a relationship.

It won't get better I don't think.

She sounds very hard work indeed.

Do you think it might be better to end things gently rather than let things continue towards a dramatic conclusion?

Idk for me it really wouldn't matter how amazing a potential partner was - with a 3 year old at home being a mother has to be the priority and maybe finding ways to sustain a relationship (for the love of god not this one) without spending time with your child at home for the first while might work better?

I think it took well over a year before my DP met my DC etc. We used to meet more on weekends when my ex had contact with DC.