Would you date an ex-addict?

[theoldmanfromup]

Musing after a recent date. Met someone who seems great. Incredibly attractive, funny, seems kind and spiritual.

But they had a long history of addiction to prescription drugs (including opiates) and some class A and B recreational drugs too.

Clean for a year, and had been a "functioning" addict.

Would you even go there? And would you tell them why not, if not?

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t tell them that was why but it’s not something I would run the risk of inviting into my life. Judgy I know.

No.

Hell no.

wouldn't be an instant no for me, but i'd be keen to hear exactly how they were currently managing their mh etc. cos one thing addiction teaches you is how to be economical with the truth....

No. I wouldn't tell them, because it opens the door to them trying to convince you it would be ok. I'd just say if wasn't working for me. I'm sure that sounds unkind and judgemental, but I have professional experience of this and just wouldn't take the risk/waste my time.

No I do not think I could but I wouldn't tell them why.
A year is not a massively long time to be clean after such a long time as an addict.

No. Too much risk of relapse for me, with all the chaos that brings.

Clean for a year is a decent amount of time but how would you know it was true?

Many addicts relapse. I have many addicts in my life. I only know one who hasn't relapsed and she is motivated by not wanting to lose her child.

Did this come up on a first date? If so, it shows poor boundaries on their side.

I would. Before having sex with them though I would insist on them having some tests done first ... don't know if I'm being ignorant here. Sharing needles perhaps, having unprotected sex cause they could have been out of it??? But if you like them no harm in seeing where it goes.

No...it would leave me on edge the whole time.

No, personally I wouldn’t.

Everyone should be given the chance to start again. If you like him why not take it slowly and see how it goes. Give him a chance to prove you wrong.

So many questions you need to ask before even considering a second date. Were all substances at the same time or consecutive? The former suggests an isolated period of fuck up, but the latter suggests they have actively sought out addiction after addiction - which is way worse.

How did they get clean? With help or without? Do they attend DA? Are they actively getting support to stay clean? Are they aware of what led them to be vulnerable to taking drugs? Do they still see druggy friends? Do they avoid triggers? What have they substituted for the gap left by drugs?

No, I've personally seen the damage drugs can do.

No from me. I don't think I'd tell them that was the reason, but relationships can be hard enough without bringing that sort of history into it.

Yes. Everyone can change and being honest with you was a great start. Focus on the person.

A year isn't very long in the scheme of being clean.
My partner is an ex addict, but hasn't been using for over 8 years.
I don't think it's worth completely writing someone off. I would want to know their history and how they got to that point, find out about their support network that they have in place, etc. I don't think it's black and white, yes and no, depends on the person.

Every ex-addict i know was just as boring and obsessed as they were on drugs: God, fitness, AA etc. Their substitute is their main and all consuming topic of conversation. Dull AF.

No and id be suspicious of him telling you so soon too

Nope, not something I’d take a risk on.

Yes but take it slow.

No. I was dating someone who smoked weed then found they were a dealer. As time went on they told me they were owed money by someone which made him short to pay someone else. All his friends smoked and he thought he led this cool free lifestyle. He smoked all day even at work (self employed). He smoked when he was driving us somewhere even when I told him not to as it made me uncomfortable. When we broke up he pestered me and became really intense. It was creepy.

Depends how "ex." A year wouldn't be long enough for me to risk it. On the other hand, I have a friend (ex-boss, in fact), who has been in AA for 30+ years, not touched a drink or drug in all that time, and while he still describes himself as "recovering," his recovery is so well-established that I would have faith that he can sustain it for the rest of his life.i'm not sure how long clean I'd be comfortable with, but anything less than 10 years and I'd tread very carefully indeed.

I'd give it a go if they were sober and seemed in control, and i'd try to be understanding if they had a relapse, but if they got selfish, were putting drugs first and it was to the detriment of the relationship i'd leave.

We all have our issues in life, who are any of us to judge someone elses crisis.