Would you date an ex-addict?

[theoldmanfromup]

Musing after a recent date. Met someone who seems great. Incredibly attractive, funny, seems kind and spiritual.

But they had a long history of addiction to prescription drugs (including opiates) and some class A and B recreational drugs too.

Clean for a year, and had been a "functioning" addict.

Would you even go there? And would you tell them why not, if not?

Yes. Dp was an addict.
I was in a VERY bad place when I got with him and didnt see it as an issue. Once I was in a better place and could see how bad a place he was in I left him.
6 weeks later he came back said he wanted me more than drugs and begged me for another chance. He hasn't touched it since. He knows if he did that would be it for me.
I would admire his honesty about being upfront about his addiction.

It would depend on what work they had done around their addiction.

If they whitenuckled through it and hasn't addressed the core of why they became an addict then no.

If they've done the work and I liked them probably but I'd be very clear about my boundaries

Run for the hills! A year is nothing.

Yes I would in theory because I have my own past and believe everybody deserves a second chance in life. But after a year? No. A lot of people after a year are high on being clean, but when the novelty wears off you see whether they've really changed or not. Also a year is unlikely to be long enough for somebody to have worked through the issues that caused their addiction in the first place. A lot of people are still in rehab a year in, where relationships mostly aren't allowed, and people tend to be advised to steer clear of relationships in early recovery. A lot can change in a year, but something as big as addiction can take a life time so a year when it comes to addicts is really not so long. An awful lot of women can give up for a whole pregnancy (such as smokers) but then start again not long after babies born. They may have quit for a while, but they are still smokers IYSWIM. Obviously there will never be guarantees, but somebody who has spent years clean, sober, building a new identity and life in recovery, is a lot further away than somebody who has got a year. Most addicts relapse, that's the truth of it, so I would seriously consider how a relapse would affect you and your kids if you have any even if you leave him at the first opportunity.

No....

A. Wouldn't risk exposing DC to relapsed addict
B. Not clean long enough
C. Functioning so has form for being able to effectively conceal

No.

No, because as others have said a year is no time at all. Is there a length of time I would consider? Maybe but that would also depend on the behaviours they exhibit while under the influence. I had an addict in my life (not a partner, a relative) because I could never never take the risk they would do again what they did while under the influence of drugs. The risk to me is too great.

Would I tell them that is why? No because that suggests there is something to discuss, better to just have a clean break at such an early stage.

No

Did he share this information on the first date?

A year is nowhere near long enough.

Oh

Fuck

No

Not after a year, no.

5-10 years maybe. It would depend completely on the person.

No way.

Not a year, no.
Also depends on your life stage.
Wanting to have children or introducing an addict into recovery to under 20+ year olds. Probably not.

No. I know 3 addicts, one a gambler, one sex addict and one drugs and alcohol, they all spout on about god, fitness and their addiction. One is married and they are both idiots because they won’t divorce, they just enjoy ‘trying’ to mend the relationship, and are both miserable.

Be friends if you want at arms length, because getting involved will really screw you up.

Absolutely not. I grew up around addicts and swore I would never have one in my life by choice.

The biggest red flag is that he told you on the first date. And in such detail. Manipulative.

No and I’d use another excuse to break it off.

only a year clean . sorry but no way.

My ex was an ex heroin addict. As far as I can tell, he has not used heroin since, but in the last 18 years (I still see him because we have a child together) he's had problems with: crack cocaine, alcohol, prescription drugs, cannabis, legal highs. He's been homeless and sofa surfing. He's lost numerous jobs. He pays virtually no maintenance for his child (although he does see her every 2 weeks), he's had a further relationship with another child born who he Also can't support, (which ended in a DV charge which I don't 100% know if thats true or not) , he's been arrested, he's been 'missing' , he's had long periods of unemployment, he's lost countless jobs. He's in debt up to his eyeballs with payday loans, overdrafts, bank charges, and is being encouraged to declare bankruptcy. He's now 47, unemployed and virtually unemployable, and has zero savings, pension, assets. The only thing positive is that he's never been to jail.

He is still one of my good friends because deep down he is a kind and affable character, and he has a good relationship with our dd, but I will say this: people don't usually become addicts when they have nice settled calm lives. The addiction is usually a manifestation of a whole world of pain and 'being clean for a year' does not mean in any way that this person is no longer 'an addict'.

I would think very carefully about beginning a relationship with this person OP. The truth is, if you explain your reasons, if he's genuinely clean and sorted he will understand your reasons entirely. He wouldn't want a relationship with him either. If he gets angry, Blames you, pressures you, guilt trips you- well that's all you need to know.

Good luck

Not after only a year. I think being clean for years, and managing to stay clean when life throws you curveballs etc is safer. I have a child though so perhaps I'm being overly cautious.

I'm an ex addict, sober for 34 years

3 years minimum.

I'm married to one. He'd been clean over 10 years before we met and had a stable job, good friends and a healthy relationship with his family though.

Also, you can be incredibly hard with an addict.

ie "I would like you to take a drugs test now"

A reformed addict would immediately do it, because they get it and they have nothing to hide. Resisting this request is a deal breaker.