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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Big chat with BF last night and don’t know what to do

67 replies

HedgeHogFoxBadger · 05/10/2019 12:35

Been together 2 years. I have 3 children, 16, 13 and 5. He has a 5 yr old.
The children have never really mixed. Never done any family things together. We see each other a couple times a week in the evening.
It’s been getting me a bit down lately because I’m not sure where it’s going or what I want or if I just want some time out so I decided to bring it up last night.
He said he doesn’t want to be involved with my children and that he doesn’t want to live together. He also said he’d quite like another baby at some point with someone but knows I don’t really want anymore.
It’s his birthday today and I’ve brought stuff to cook dinner tonight but feeling very flat and upset today.

OP posts:
Bucatini · 05/10/2019 12:38

Hmm. Yes, those pieces of information definitely seem to indicate that he doesn't see this relationship as a long term prospect. Sorry OP Sad

Butterymuffin · 05/10/2019 12:39

I would try and have a good night tonight for his birthday, but then I would end it soon as it sounds like you want very different things. Sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2019 12:39

I'm sorry op, but you're wasting your time with this one. Time to move on.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 12:39

I’m sorry. That must have all been very hard to hear.

If I were you I’d say that I had a lot to think about and really just want to go home.

Basically he’s told you that you’re not his ‘forever’ Plan, so you need to think about how that changes things for you. Personally I’d end it, I can’t see the point in getting in any deeper with someone who’s made it cLear you’re just ‘fun for now’

I’m really sorry 🌷

Original poster
HedgeHogFoxBadger · 05/10/2019 12:40

Thank you. This morning I have been feeling of I end it I’ll miss him but I think deep down for a while I haven’t felt right. Also at the same time I don’t actually know what I want either but maybe I just need some time on my own with my children

OP posts:
FazakerlyJackie · 05/10/2019 13:04

Well that's a sad thing for you to hear. I'm sorry.
Time to bin him off then, have a nice meal with your lovely children tonight with all the good things you have bought. Wasted on him.

DontCallMeShitley · 05/10/2019 13:04

Don't bother with the special evening, just end it and use the stuff to cheer yourself up. He is using you until someone else comes along, sorry.

Notcoolmum · 05/10/2019 13:15

Aw sorry to hear this. Hope you have a nice evening. With or without him and start to feel more positive about being on your own and moving forward without him x

Lightinthedark · 05/10/2019 13:17

He is clear in what he is saying to you. The pain ending it will be temporary but leaving things as the are in the hope things change will make things even harder for you and will only cause you to feel second best, or as an option. You are not an option, you are worth more

whiskersonkittenss · 05/10/2019 13:23

I wouldn't bother making him a special birthday meal. you won't feel any better after it.

Raphael34 · 05/10/2019 13:31

He’s actively trying not to become part of your family. He doesn’t want to be involved with your children. Doesn’t want his child becoming attached to yours. It’s been two years and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to live with you and only has a couple evenings a week for you. From the sounds of things he’s stringing you along and using you for sex/entertainment until someone ‘better’ comes along.
I’d gather your dignity and exit the relationship. Have one last night with him if you like with his birthday meal, even better bin him now and have a nice meal with your children

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/10/2019 13:37

I'm not surprised you feel rubbish OP- he's with you but saying he'll eventually have a baby with someone else(!) And doesn't want any involvement with your DC- obviously he is essentially saying you're an interim choice.

Tbh OP birthday or not I wouldn't cook dinner and endure the facade after that. I'd ask him to clarify his comments and point out that if you and he cannot ever live together then the relationship can't continue. Of course you'll miss him but that doesn't mean you should stay in those circumstances.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 05/10/2019 13:51

I wouldn't be cooking him dinner after that.

Marmozet · 05/10/2019 13:52

Cook for yourself and your kids tonight or invite friends over. Think you know it's over from that message

TheAlternativeTentacle · 05/10/2019 13:53

Keep the food and have a party with your kids. Don't waste it on him.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 13:56

Another one saying sod giving him a birthday dinner.

Lweji · 05/10/2019 13:56

He said he doesn’t want to be involved with my children and that he doesn’t want to live together. He also said he’d quite like another baby at some point with someone but knows I don’t really want anymore.

This is quite contradictory. He put it on you that you don't want more children, but if you did, then how would it work if he doesn't want to live together or get involved with your children?

And what is he doing on weekends?

I don't think I'd be able to celebrate his birthday and would cancel it. Along with the so called relationship.

NewStart571 · 05/10/2019 14:17

It sounds like the relationship is over. What he has said (whilst it might be honest) is actually pretty hurtful.

I certainly wouldn’t be cooking him a birthday meal after that.

Flowers
Ebonyandivory2 · 05/10/2019 14:20

Jesus Christ @Butterymuffin what kind of advice is that? Have some self respect. Do not cook for him OP. He’s made it clear your relationship isn’t going anywhere

SlightlyWizened · 05/10/2019 14:23

Time to have a think about what you do want OP.
I have a live out boyfriend who I see a lot daily but we only spend one night a fortnight together because of childcare issues. It's hard. I too have teenagers and my BF does not want to take on a new family.

FazakerlyJackie · 05/10/2019 14:59

Hedgehog
You can do better than birthday boy.
Give him the sack as a pressie. Keep your dignity girl.
No cooking, by order Flowers

Phoebesfleas · 05/10/2019 15:25

I’d end it today op, there’s no point continuing as he quite clearly doesn’t see a future with you, I can imagine it felt like a kick in the stomach. Cook the food for yourself and your DC, enjoy an evening with them. He doesn’t deserve a birthday treat, I don’t know about you but I couldn’t put a happy face on and enjoy the evening with him.

TuttiFrutti123 · 05/10/2019 15:26

That must have been really, really hard to hear what he had to say. I agree with PP that you now know that this relationship is ultimately going nowhere and it's only going to end in heartache for you whether that's now, in 6 months or a few years down the line. It sounds as if he's half checked out already so I'd personally give birthday boy the old heave-ho.

With his attitude to the relationship he doesn't deserve to be with you or your children. You can do so much better so please don't settle for second best.

Flowers and an unmumsnety hug for you OP.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 05/10/2019 15:26

Another one saying don't cook and to end it today. Cheeky sod he is.

Windydaysuponus · 05/10/2019 15:26

Make today a fresh start.
Without him op.
Sorry.

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