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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Big chat with BF last night and don’t know what to do

67 replies

HedgeHogFoxBadger · 05/10/2019 12:35

Been together 2 years. I have 3 children, 16, 13 and 5. He has a 5 yr old.
The children have never really mixed. Never done any family things together. We see each other a couple times a week in the evening.
It’s been getting me a bit down lately because I’m not sure where it’s going or what I want or if I just want some time out so I decided to bring it up last night.
He said he doesn’t want to be involved with my children and that he doesn’t want to live together. He also said he’d quite like another baby at some point with someone but knows I don’t really want anymore.
It’s his birthday today and I’ve brought stuff to cook dinner tonight but feeling very flat and upset today.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 05/10/2019 15:28

Keep the food and dump the guy.

DoingWhatWorks · 05/10/2019 15:32

Sounds like you're heading in opposite directions.

Interestedwoman · 05/10/2019 15:36

What the others said- on to the next. Hugs xxxxx

ConfCall · 05/10/2019 16:33

How disappointing, OP. I suggest ending this today rather than letting it limp on until he meets someone he really wants to be with.

OhioOhioOhio · 05/10/2019 16:35

Yes. I really hope you don't cook for him.

sue51 · 05/10/2019 16:48

End it now and have a nice dinner with your children. Dont waste any more of your time as this relationship is going nowhere.

Honeyroar · 05/10/2019 19:27

Yes cook the meal for your children, don't waste any more time on someone who doesn't want to make any effort for you and your family and who sees a possible future with someone else. He's been brutally and coldly honest - take that info and leave. You could have a much better future with someone else.

Original poster

HedgeHogFoxBadger · 06/10/2019 10:51

Thanks everyone. I did see him last night (I just felt too guilty not going as it was his birthday)
We had a brief chat about the night before but not much was said. I know I need to end it I just need to find the guts to do it 😢

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 11:37

I can understand you going last night. My advice would have been not to go & don’t feel guilty, but I’d probably have gone too...but I’d have ruined the evening by getting emotional 🙄

You do need to find the ‘guts’ to end it, but don’t worry about him, he’s been bloody clear you’re a temporary measure until he finds ‘the real thing’ - get angry! Yes you’ll
muss him & feel a bit lonely/sad/lost, but you have your wonderful kids and this will make room for someone in your life who dies see a future with you and, in time, your kids.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 11:38

Oh and I’d do it today! There’s no point in delaying it as you’ll feel the same whenever you end it, but you’ll suffer more the longer you drag it out before telling him. Tell him today & start the new week fresh!

Marmozet · 06/10/2019 11:44

Dear god woman.

MintyT · 06/10/2019 11:48

I think your very lucky to have had this chat now. Really he shouldn't have got involved with you knowing you had older children that he didn't want to bother with. I know it's sad but it would have been sadder further down the line. Just tell him the truth and bow out gracefully.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 11:48

Honestly just end it today or you'll keep finding excuses not to. "It's halloween.....it's bonfire night......it's Christmas........."

He sees you as a stopgap, a handy shag who'll do special dinners for him even though he's told you he wants nothing to do with your kids.

Find your self esteem and fuck him off. You and your DC deserve better than this.

Sotoes · 06/10/2019 12:01

So he has plans for the future, but with someone else!

Rip the plaster off now OP, don't do this to yourself.

Rainycloudyday · 06/10/2019 12:07

Yikes, run a mile. I’m amazed you went over for his birthday after he told you in as many words that you’ll do for now but he’s not remotely committed to a future with you You ‘felt bad’?! You’re being a bit of a doormat and this isn’t going to make him respect you any more than the scraps he’s already shown you. Think about what kind of example you want to set to your children.

Lweji · 06/10/2019 12:35

What did you speak about regarding the previous night?

Phoebesfleas · 06/10/2019 12:58

Seriously op you owe this man no loyalty and certainly don’t feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Do you think he would feel guilty ending your relationship if who he considers ‘Ms Right’ came along? What he said to you will always be in your mind whenever you see him, it will slowly eat away at your self esteem because you will start to feel that your not good enough to settle down with. Been there and it’s a soul destroyer, after you’ve mended a bit you will realise that you were too good for him!

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/10/2019 13:02

He’s told you very clearly he’s already musing on the ‘someone’ he might have another kid with. And that he gives zero shits about your children. After two years.

Dump. Yes you’ll miss him for a while, because you’re accustomed to him, but you can deal with that - push through it, like the adult self-possessed woman you are. Onwards!

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 13:04

At least you know where you are. He's your boyfriend but at the moment he doesn't see the relationship as a live-in one. That could change I suppose but you can't blame him for not wanting to move in with someone who has three children, two of which are teenagers. I certainly wouldn't.

Just enjoy it for what it is. You can have a lot more fun living separately than together.

You said: I don’t actually know what I want either but maybe I just need some time on my own with my children.

That sounds like a good idea.

sue51 · 06/10/2019 13:22

Okay, he's had his birthday. Make that call and end it now on your terms with your head held high.

macmustard · 06/10/2019 13:53

My mum had one of those - a man who didn't want us but wanted her. I hope you end it and move on.

FazakerlyJackie · 06/10/2019 16:02

He's already ended it though, hasn't he?
You are just a stop gap for him until a better offer comes along, sorry to say, reading what you have told us.
Find your dignity and self worth, don't take the scraps he throws at you, you are not his dog.
As pp says, you are too good for him. Head up woman and move on.
I wish you well.

AnotherEmma · 06/10/2019 16:05

Goodness me, why on earth didn't he have the decency to tell you all that before? You've been in a relationship for 2 years - surely it wouldn't have taken him anything like that long to realise that he wants another child and you don't, and to decide that he doesn't want to live with you?

Please end it ASAP and move on before you waste any more of your time and emotional energy on him.

Shessobrave · 06/10/2019 16:06

Yeah I'd read that as he's ended it?

Original poster

HedgeHogFoxBadger · 06/10/2019 16:14

No he hasn’t ended it...
We had the same thing a few months ago and he said ok let’s start mixing the kids. We did it for an hour or so a couple times and it hasn’t really happened since.
I also agree I don’t want to go rushing into a relationship and introducing kids right away but my kids are part of me and my life.
I had been in a relationship before him for 6 years and he met my older 2 girls 2 months after us getting together and we were married within 18 months. Looking back now yes I know it was silly. I’d only been split up with him for 3 months before I met currant BF.

OP posts:

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