How do i resolve this with my DD?

[Apolloanddaphne]

A bit of background first. DD2 is 21yo, graduated in the summer and now living at home, working in a pub to save money to go travelling. DH works long hours and is out of the house most of the week. We also have a dog who needs walked and fed. We live in a semi rural place.

I took early retirement a few years back. I am doing a course at uni and it is fair to say i am not really enjoying my current module. There is a lot of long and tedious reading to do. DD is aware i have been very bored this week. She has been on a few days holiday as she had a friend visiting.

This morning i woke up and thought i might go on the train to to the city where my DH works to have a browse round the shops, maybe a look round a gallery and then travel home with him. DD is working 10-6 so would be home to feed the dog.

I told DD my plan when she got up and she told me she had planned to go to a museum she volunteers at for 6.30 as they are having an open evening. I asked if she could pop home first and feed the dog then go back out. She muttered about being late then at the museum and then said she didn't know when she might eat.

I went off to walk the dog feeling bad for suggesting to her she might do this to allow me to have an afternoon out. When i came back i talked to her a bit more about it and the long and the short of it is that she got upset (we both did). This was mostly because i sometimes feel that i bend over backwards to accommodate everyones needs but there is little reciprocity.

DD is not one for showing any emotion and her going off crying has made me feel even worse. I have no idea what i am asking with this thread but it helps to write it all down.

If it was DD1 we would have had a bit of a barny then we would both have apologised, laughed, hugged and moved on but DD2 runs a lot deeper and sometimes i feel i just don't understand how to approach things with her. I feel i have now damaged any tentative relationship we were starting to build.

The thing is you have given her too short notice and she's already made other plans. Maybe the way forward is to look at what needs doing in general and give everyone their duties. That way everyone knows what is expected of them and it is fair on everybody.

How do you split chores and dog care now?

I know I gave her short notice. However she has known for days about the museum thing and said nothing. We have a family calendar where we all write things on so we all know who is going to be where but she hadn't put this up.

I know she is entitled to have the freedom to do things she wants to do. However she is not living as a student anymore but is part of the family. I am always the one who tries to accommodate what she needs or wants. She adores our dog but never chooses to walk her or be up early enough to feed her unless DH and I are just not here at all. I'm only asking her to nip home to feed her but I feel I was landed with a massive guilt trip about it.

Also with chores, if I ask her to do something she will but no one except me ever instigates this.

Does she have any regular chores in the house? If so give them to her. It’s not fair that she can make fun plans for herself and you can’t.

Who's is the dog?

The dog belongs to the family. She and DD1 were desperate for a dog so we agreed to get one on the basis we would all help with her. DD2 was 14 at the time so old enough to understand the commitment. DD1 lives 350 miles away now but when she comes home to visit she will get up early to take her out. I don't think DD2 has ever got up early voluntarily to walk her or feed her. She isn't lazy but she does tend to exist in her own little bubble.

Allocate her some permanent chores, rather than ad-hoc. Then she can plan them in and be responsible for them.

She doesn't be obliged to add her stuff into the family calendar when it's her own stuff only. She's an adult. You need to be aware of that and check with her as a peer rather than assuming she'll be available - you must work to change your mindset: She's not your kid, she's an independent person now.

A 21 year old doesn't need to
add her plans to the family calendar.

From her point of view, she has been working all day and then is going virtually straight to her voluntary work, while you are shopping all day.

Long term she needs chores so that she is contributing to the house, but she can choose when she does them.

So going forward she should be helping. However in this instance YABVU. You asked. She answered. You can't just spontaneously plan an event when you have pets and no cover.

I'm only asking her to nip home to feed her but I feel I was landed with a massive guilt trip about it

No, what you're asking is for her to make herself late for a pre-existing commitment and miss her chance to eat.

I disagree that she shouldn't have to put her plans on the calendar. If she wants to live at home and pay only minimal digs money (£25 per week to allow her to save) then she has to be part of the functioning of the home/family. If she never let me know any plans i would have no idea if she planned to eat with us or not. I know if she is here she will want to eat as part of the family.

I probably made too many assumptions on her feeding the dog today, i agree with that. It's not really like me to go off to do something on a whim. I am the stalwart, always at home person. However i cannot be that person all the time.

I think the adjustment to DD2 being home is proving to be harder than i imagined and i am expecting too much of her.

I agree that permanent tasks seem to be the way forward. At 21 plans are made, changed and swapped so quick, writing them on a family calendar is unrealistic.

I think her missing the chance to eat is a bit of a red herring as she admitted afterwards that she would probably eat in the late afternoon at her work as she normally does.

Family calendar? How strange. My mum used to message us and ask if we were eating at home. If we were late she used to leave it in the oven for us to warm up when we got home.

"I am the stalwart, always at home person. However i cannot be that person all the time." and "I feel i have now damaged any tentative relationship we were starting to build"

I wonder if these comments perhaps are at the heart of this issue?

I have adult DC living at home (though they didn't go to uni and then come back so they've always lived here) and I found it a bit weird adjusting my mindset. I think it's hard to see them as an independent (albeit living as part of a family) proper grown up.

I also have guilt as I am not working at the moment due to health issues (and disabled so I can't do heavy chores) so feel bad asking people to do things when I've been at home all day and they haven't.

So I agree making people living in the home responsible for a particular chore is a fairer way of doing it and it becomes routine. (We still have the odd row about the Laundry Fairy ) I would make people responsible for particular dog walks eg Tuesday morning as a routine (although this is tricky jf they don't work set hours)

Do you think part of it might be seeing them grow up and expecting (rightly) to be treated as adults but your "role" remains the same of being responsible for the house and the dog and still being treated like "mum" the same as ever? If that makes any sense! I know what I mean but it's hard to explain.

What works really well for us is that we have a family WhatsApp group chat set up. I ask people to text at the beginning of the week (I also have memory problems so need it written down) if they have definite plans like working (they work different shifts) or being out, so I can work meals and waiting for Amazon deliveries accordingly. We also try to have one day we are all in at the same time and have a meal together (sometimes it has to be breakfast!) I make a lot of meals that can be served in portions later if people aren't in. They also make their own food and food for us if we are in. They know they can do what they want and be in or out but I like it if they can be for a particular meal planned at the beginning of the week (eg Mexican together on Sunday night).

The what's app group feels more casual, and dare I say more grown up than writing on a calendar and we also use it to share photos and what I believe are called gifs It feels nice. Some weeks I speak to them more on WhatsApp then I do in person

I try to remember they are adults and need treating as such in terms of their "rights" eg no curfews but also they have "responsibilities" living in the family house.

The comment about "building a relationship" - has there been particular issues in the past?
Perhaps this time when she is at home is a good opportunity to go out together as adults, to the cinema or the pub etc. I don't drink but it's nice to sit and have cocktails and chat and feel old when they go to the bar

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles that all sounds really sensible. What did we do before WhatsApp?

We have always used a family calendar so it's not really odd for us.

We are fairly happy with the routine of her popping her shifts on the calendar when she gets them. I guess it's the other ad hoc things she plans that we are talking about here.

The food planning can be a nightmare. She works in a pub and her hours can be any time between 10am and 1am. My DH sometimes is away on business and I go out two nights and need to eat early. I've tried planning meals and I've tried buying ad hoc food for us to use as we please but no system seems to work well. However we have never fallen out over the food aspects and we tend to just muddle through.

Ooh one thing I also do is text the "meal plan" (very Mumsnet but we barely get one meal from a chicken ) on the WhatsApp group so people know what's in the fridge and if a particular thing is earmarked for a particular meal. I make a lot of casserole type things which can stay in the slow cooker until people are in to have a bowl.

There are also a couple of ready meals which are for anyone, and a blackboard so people can write an special requests or if we are running low on something (when DD1 eats all the cheese bar 1mm for example ).

If someone is in they will sometimes offer to make one of the meals on the plan, or if someone is coming round they ask if we can have a certain meal then.

Food is very important to me And I love to plan too

Namechange I know! I absolutely love it. We also use it for things like, if I see towels on the floor and not in the laundry basket, I will take a photo of it and edit a big Forbidden cross sign onto it and send it to the group Towel-Shaming apparently

PS we are by no means the Waltons, if this makes us sound all happy and smiley! Already this morning I have had a row with DD2 about taking out the recycling If anyone has any tips of sorting that out, I'm all ears....

I echo above PP’s that she doesn’t have to add her plans to the family calendar.

You need to stop bending over backward though and reallocate all the chores fairly between all adult members of the household.

I think the family calendar is a total necessity.

We have one and a 21 year old DD.

If it's not on the calendar it's not counted, that's said we also have a family WhatsApp chat for last minute changes and I've no problem with those.

We run a few businesses and sometimes need DD to pitch in to get stuff done.

It does work two ways though, DH and I drop things to facilitate DD too.

Why are you "food planning" for a 21 year old? How silly. She can figure out what to eat whenever she gets home, and you can feed yourself.

The relationship aspect is tricky. She and I are very different. DD1 and I are outgoing, heart on sleeve sorts. DD2 is a closed book. She is more like DH.

She went off to uni 350 miles away 3 years ago and has become a complete different person. Confident, more outgoing. It has been a joy to see her blossom. I retired about the same time as she went away and built up a life for myself which is very different to the working mum she knew.

Now she is back we are having to get to know each other again and adjust. It doesn't help that my DF died in the summer so I am also being pulled to support my DM and I am finding this hard too.

Why wouldn't I food plan for her? We live semi rurally. All supermarkets are a car drive away. It makes sense to have food in that we can all eat, including DD. I probably have the most time to do food shopping. If she is home she likes to eat with us. I make sure the breakfast/lunch foods I buy suit us all. She will buy her own food if that's what works out best. It's not set in tablets of stone and as I said it hasn't actually been an issue.

What time would you and DH have got home from his commute? Also you've negatively compared dd2 to dd1 twice at least here- did you bring that into your chat and that's what upset her?