How do i resolve this with my DD?

[Apolloanddaphne]

A bit of background first. DD2 is 21yo, graduated in the summer and now living at home, working in a pub to save money to go travelling. DH works long hours and is out of the house most of the week. We also have a dog who needs walked and fed. We live in a semi rural place.

I took early retirement a few years back. I am doing a course at uni and it is fair to say i am not really enjoying my current module. There is a lot of long and tedious reading to do. DD is aware i have been very bored this week. She has been on a few days holiday as she had a friend visiting.

This morning i woke up and thought i might go on the train to to the city where my DH works to have a browse round the shops, maybe a look round a gallery and then travel home with him. DD is working 10-6 so would be home to feed the dog.

I told DD my plan when she got up and she told me she had planned to go to a museum she volunteers at for 6.30 as they are having an open evening. I asked if she could pop home first and feed the dog then go back out. She muttered about being late then at the museum and then said she didn't know when she might eat.

I went off to walk the dog feeling bad for suggesting to her she might do this to allow me to have an afternoon out. When i came back i talked to her a bit more about it and the long and the short of it is that she got upset (we both did). This was mostly because i sometimes feel that i bend over backwards to accommodate everyones needs but there is little reciprocity.

DD is not one for showing any emotion and her going off crying has made me feel even worse. I have no idea what i am asking with this thread but it helps to write it all down.

If it was DD1 we would have had a bit of a barny then we would both have apologised, laughed, hugged and moved on but DD2 runs a lot deeper and sometimes i feel i just don't understand how to approach things with her. I feel i have now damaged any tentative relationship we were starting to build.

I know the dog won't starve but I am a responsible dog owner and I don't like to leave her too long or not feed her at the times she is used to.

So it is your dog OP? As a PP said you need to disentangle the issues here. If DD has been away and returned home she is used to some autonomy. She doesn't have to accommodate your last minute plan to go shopping. Respect her commitments and talk about chores calmly at a later date, bearing in mind your choice to retire and study a boring course may affect your feelings of relevancy.

Trust me the strings are very loose. DD is pretty much free to come and go as she pleases. Her job means she often doesn't get home until the early hours and she always wakes me when she domes in as I am a light sleeper. I do not make a fuss out of this ever. She works very hard.

I can see that this one issue is indicative of maybe other deeper issues which will take some time to work through. I need to re-evaluate my role at home I think.

Of course it is my dog. She is the family dog but most of her care comes to me as I am at home most of the time. When I was working my DPs looked after her but she wasn't their dog, she was ours.

DD will see that it's your responsibility not to drop care of the dog without prior agreement then. That's fair. Get the timed bowls and consider what is causing you to stick to her mealtimes so rigidly. for you OP. It's good you will look closer at this. Counselling may help. Sorry for the loss of your DD and DF

I think you need to work out your own issues before having a 'big family talk'. You're carrying a lot of resentment towards your DD2. From commandeering her time this evening, to complaining that she wakes you, etc. Yy I know you said you don't complain about her waking you but it obviously is one of the issues you're holding against her.
I don't think your DD can help you resolve that resentment. You need to work out where it's coming from and why you think she should change her plans to accommodate your whim; why you're now acting as though going shopping in town is the only way to relieve your stress/pressure, etc; why you're viewing DD2 as the barrier to you being appreciated and having free time. She's only been back home for a few months. If you have long felt unappreciated at home, that can't be DD2's fault.

You're saying a lot of things that suggest that you don't like having your DD at home (like being woken up) but at the same time saying it's all fine. I think you need to think about whether the current set up works and what you want from life. Well to finish this boring module I guess but after that!

I think you sound quite selfish really. You have all the time in the world being retired so you can schedule your shopping trips at any time. your dd had arrangements which you expected her to change on your whim. maybe just 'nipping in' doesnt seem like a bother to you but it might have been a big pain for her to juggle. so you were bored with your course, needed a shopping day trip and then expected her to change plans to suit you?

This.

You also say you don't want the dog fed an hour or two later. That's what YOU don't want, a reasonable person would be ok with later feeding once in a blue moon. However you require your DD to drive all the way home and back to meet YOUR requirements for when the dog needs feeding.

That's really precious. You'd inconvenience your DD to that extent, when she is working and volunteering that day, just because you've been busy... reading? Don't you see how demanding that is?

Your DD sounds like she doesn't feel she can say no to you, that's where the tears come from, it's frustration.

My DSis is like this with my mum, they both get so fucking wound up over absolutely nothing - my DM wants my sister to do something really silly and inconvenient for her (usually related to my DM's weird ideas about how things "MUST" be done), DSis feels pressured but can't say no, DM gets upset, then DM gets even more upset because how dare DSis "make" her feel this way... DSis gets upset that DM is upset that DSis upset her...

Cut to me, in the corner, wishing they'd both grow the fuck up.

Gosh I really don't resent DD living back at home. We do lots of nice things together. Potter round the local shops, go to the cinema, watch TV etc. I think this morning was just unfortunate. DD has messaged me to say she is fine and will pop home later. It will all be fine. We are going out for a lovely lunch tomorrow for DHs birthday which will be nice and relaxing.

See this is the trouble isn't it, you post one thread about one incident with a DD and you're "precious" and "demanding"

This is what puts people off looking for advice on here. OP hasn't said she hit her daughter with a hairbrush, or locked her out - they had a minor argument over feeding the dog. Yes it may be part of a wider issue (in fact I even said this myself upthread) but it isn't grounds to call someone "precious" and "demanding".

I don't know why people can't just be polite even if they disagree with someone, and give their opinion without resorting to personal insults. No one hear knows the exact dynamic between OP and her DD and this thread doesn't give enough grounds to insult people. She asked her to walk the dog, yes possibly this was unreasonable (I actually think it was when DD was working until volunteering time) but fuck me, it doesn't automatically make OP a selfish person in general who needs telling off by MNers

Sorry to talk about you in the third person Apollo it's just really annoyed me. Being a parent to a grown up DC can be hard at times and it's nice to get support here, I don't think people should be put off posting.

We are going out for a lovely lunch tomorrow for DHs birthday which will be nice and relaxing

Good. Sounds like you all need some time to relax and enjoy each other's company (and hopefully some lovely food too).

I can see your point OP. Difficult when you have got used to an empty nest. I'm in a similar situation and sometimes get frustrated. My dc lives here after uni but pays no rent atm and does little to help.

I encourage them to make a family meal occasionally and the odd chore. It is frustrating as it is extra expense especially food and more mess etc

Yanbu

She actual lay just messaged me to say she finished at 5 anyway and is home now. She plans to go out for drinks with a friend after the museum thing which of course is absolutely fine.

What 21 year old cries over being asked to alter her plans slightly and feed the family dog?

DD never ever cries. Like never. I don't know what that was all about. That's why I posted about it.

It is often difficult when adult, now independent children return back home to live. The thing is though that if you are supporting them by facilitating their savings they are not totally independent. If your DD is only paying £25 a week she does not have the financial responsibilities of a fully functioning adult. She would not be able to feed herself properly away from home let alone pay rent, gas electricity council tax ext ext. You are giving her massive support so it is reasonable to expect your needs to also be given adequate consideration by her. I think you need to find a time which is best for both of you. Tell her that you love having her home and hope that this means you can have some quality time together. Praise her work ethic and volunteering. Be honest about the advantages you are providing but also be honest about the need for her to be an adult fully functioning member of the household with a fair share of adult responsibilities. Be prepared for her to raise some issues herself and be prepared for compromises on both sides. It is easy for all of us to continue to treat a parent as 'just mum' long after a parent should be taking on all the responsibility of the relationship or chores. Probably lots of us in the older generation have also done this in our time but hopefully this can be changed with a bit of calm discussion. Good luck op.

Actually I had just given her a teddy this morning that my mum had made out of my dad's old shirts. She had them made for all the grandchildren. I am now wondering if there was something about that which made her more inclined to be emotional.

The dog's teatime I can understand, but more from the point of view thay by 6pm the dog had been left alone for a good few hours. Dogs aren't meant to be left alone for hours at a time.

The teddy must've triggered deep feelings-makes perfect sense

I think you were wrong to guilt trip your daughter over this, she is working and volunteering for goodness sake

She is also living in the family house, all found, means cooked, for £25 a week. She should be contributing to the family responsibilities, whether or not her mother is working. It's not like OP is asking for a half share of the chores. Just ' can you nip home and feed the dog please?'

Means= meals

You sound very intense. I don’t think your daughter would have “struggled to find her place in the family” What does that even mean?? It’s probably obvious you like DD1 better.

Just feed the dog an hour or so later, come back earlier or don't go.

These were your options!

As soon as DD said she probably couldn’t feed the dog tonight because Valid Reason you should have come up with Plan B because person who plans stuff last minute cannot

You felt guilty about the dog and you pushed it onto DD as her problem, instead of thinking ‘well, I’ll just head home earlier’ or ‘I’ll see if DH can finish a little earlier’ or ‘we’ll be back by 7 anyway so the dog can wait’.

If you want DD to put her social plans on the family calendar then you need to as well, surely?

Well the long and the short of it is that I had a lovely afternoon and evening out. I did some shopping and then had drinks and dinner with DH. Back home now and the dog is fine. DD was away from work early and fed the dog. She is now out with her mates. Thankfully I am very robust and can cope with those of you who think I am controlling and intense. Being an ex social worker gives one a very thick skin!