How do i resolve this with my DD?

[Apolloanddaphne]

A bit of background first. DD2 is 21yo, graduated in the summer and now living at home, working in a pub to save money to go travelling. DH works long hours and is out of the house most of the week. We also have a dog who needs walked and fed. We live in a semi rural place.

I took early retirement a few years back. I am doing a course at uni and it is fair to say i am not really enjoying my current module. There is a lot of long and tedious reading to do. DD is aware i have been very bored this week. She has been on a few days holiday as she had a friend visiting.

This morning i woke up and thought i might go on the train to to the city where my DH works to have a browse round the shops, maybe a look round a gallery and then travel home with him. DD is working 10-6 so would be home to feed the dog.

I told DD my plan when she got up and she told me she had planned to go to a museum she volunteers at for 6.30 as they are having an open evening. I asked if she could pop home first and feed the dog then go back out. She muttered about being late then at the museum and then said she didn't know when she might eat.

I went off to walk the dog feeling bad for suggesting to her she might do this to allow me to have an afternoon out. When i came back i talked to her a bit more about it and the long and the short of it is that she got upset (we both did). This was mostly because i sometimes feel that i bend over backwards to accommodate everyones needs but there is little reciprocity.

DD is not one for showing any emotion and her going off crying has made me feel even worse. I have no idea what i am asking with this thread but it helps to write it all down.

If it was DD1 we would have had a bit of a barny then we would both have apologised, laughed, hugged and moved on but DD2 runs a lot deeper and sometimes i feel i just don't understand how to approach things with her. I feel i have now damaged any tentative relationship we were starting to build.

I don't think I have compared DD2 negatively compared to DD1. It is a fact that DD1 is more like me and I find her easier to read. DD2 would admit herself she can be a closed book. I think somethings she is envious of the easy relationship I have with DD1. But I did not mention her at all this morning.

Now that I am thinking about this I think a lot of it goes way, way back but it is so difficult to unpick. DD2 was born after we lost our eldest DD (so DD2s big sister). I think it has been hard for her to work out her place in the family. She never ever speaks about anything like this so it is hard to know how she perceives this.

I feel I am opening up a can of worms here.

I am still going to meet DH. DD agreed before she left for work to come home and feed the dog. I think we will be home around 7. Dog is fed at 6 and by then will have been alone for 5 hours. She is a lazy lump though so that's okay.

It will honestly take DD minutes to feed her and head out again. If she is late then it will only be a few minutes but at that time of the evening she will easily get parked outside the museum.

I am expecting now to be told I shouldn't be going!

Wo talking about the calendar,
The ddog is a SHARED responsibility for the family.
The dd is allowed to change her plans at the last minute. And so is the Op allowed to make some plans up at the last minute too.

In that case, who says that its up to the OP to look after the ddog and change her plans rather than for the dd to pop round to feed the dog?
Becoming an adult means that you have more freedom to do as you like/go out/ see fiend/whatever. It also comes with RESPONSIBILITIES and in this case, it means that the dd just CANNOT assume that her mum wil there for the dog and do as she pleases.
Accepting that the default position is for the OP to be there means that
1- the responsibility for the dog is hers and hers only
OR
2- the dd can carry on acting like a child, assuming someone else will deal with whatever is important (like feeding a pet) whilst she has no care in the world bar herself.
None of those possibilities are acceptable to me and I suspect is the reason why the OP feels she is always at the bottom of the pile.
Because basically what is happening is that the dd is expecting her to still treat her as a child and bend over backwards to support/help/make things easier for her/remove any obstacles etc... whilst still wanting to be treated as an adult and do what she wants.

Why are you "food planning" for a 21 year old? How silly. She can figure out what to eat whenever she gets home, and you can feed yourself.

Because she is part of the family.
It doesnt man that she as to be there but it does mean she has to be mindful of the other people in the house, esp the ones who are doing some of the 'work' for her such as cooking. I, for one, would have a problem with doing the sho[pping wo knowing who/hat we will be eating for the week. someone coming back home and cooking whatever they want would NOT work for us and would only be possible if they were also doing their on shopping. Because no way that I, s the person who is shopping, will plan for the week to then have to multiple trips to the shops because 'things got used'.

if she wants total freedom, not having to answer to anyone etc... then she is a lodger in the house and should be treated as such (or find her onw house).

@HeyNotInMyName Thankyou! You have expressed very succinctly how i feel.

To be honest I think a pre-existing commitment to work and volunteer takes precedence over a spur of the moment decision to go shopping.

your father and dd.

It's still early days.
And while your busy supporting everyone you do need to plan time for yourself or you'll burn out and more arguments.

I never queried her work commitment. That will always take precedence. I also have no issues with her volunteering and going to help out this evening. I was not asking her to miss this, i was asking her to nip home and feed the dog. She should be able to fit that in and be at the museum for around the start time.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles towel shaming

I think it is mean to say that DD2 should have to take care of the dog as she wanted it when she was 14, whereas you allowed DD1 to leave home without the dog. You say DD1 looks after the dog when she visits but I'm sure that's becuase she has missed it and it's easy to care for a dog for a few days out of the year. It seems like your expectations are very different for your two daughters and whereas DD1 was let of the hook with the dog you are holding it against your DD2 that she wanted a dog at 14... 7 years ago.

In terms of today your daughter planned to go to an actual event at a museum and because you are bored of your studies and want to nose around the shops she has to be late/ cancel her plans. I don't think it is fair at all that she has to change her plans becuase of you deciding you wanted a last minute trip to town. Also reading all your replies I could bet money that if you were bored of studies and DD1 was going to a event at a museum you would ask to go with her rather than make her cancel plans to care for the dog.

The dog thing is a bit of a red herring. She had plans, sounds like very valid ones, and that's fair enough.

Your real issue is that you are taking on more than your fair share at home. That's what you need to address. The dog thing was just the last straw.

I think you sound quite selfish really. You have all the time in the world being retired so you can schedule your shopping trips at any time. your dd had arrangements which you expected her to change on your whim. maybe just 'nipping in' doesnt seem like a bother to you but it might have been a big pain for her to juggle. so you were bored with your course, needed a shopping day trip and then expected her to change plans to suit you?

fwiw I think the issue is about boundaries.

As some PP said, yu need a clear expectations of what she should be doing in the house and has to include looking after ddog.
Id advise to sit down with her, explain that understand who hard it is to 'go back home and live woth your dparents again' after the freedom she had at Uni. Explain that it is hard for you too as you obvioulsy had developped another rythm to your day whilst she wasnt living at home.
Then say that you expect her to be responsible for ddog 3 or 4 days in the week. Ask her when it would be more convenient for her to do that. NEGOCIATE with her so that it doesnt stop from doing your own activities. Make a point of stating you are doing x and y so cant be avaialble on mondays or whatever.
Then STICK TO THE AGREEMENT. Dont jump to rescue her because she has arrange to work later/is doing some volunteering etc... She has to learn to work around her responsibilities and she cant just assume someone is going to rescue her. She has to find a way to balance all the responsibilities she has and learn how to do it.

I susoect this applies to everything else. If you are feeling you are alwys at the bottom of the oile, thats because what you need/want to do is never seen asimportant what everyine else wants/needs to do. And the fit step to be seen is to actually BELIEVE that your needs/wants are as important and to treat them as such.

you expect her to be responsible for ddog 3 or 4 days in the week. Is there not 3 adults in the house? So more 2/3 days. Also OP are you studying from home distance/online or attending a university?

You're trying to resolve too much at the one time. You were in the wrong this morning. She had plans. You decided to do something on a whim that inconvenienced her. YY you may feel unappreciated and taken for granted but you don't change that by taking other people for granted instead.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's understandable that it's impacting on how you view your family and your role in it. But I think you need to be careful that you don't extrapolate or catastrophise out from that into your relationship with your DD. Be kind to yourself. But be kind to DD too. You're channelling a lot on to her.

I think it is mean to say that DD2 should have to take care of the dog as she wanted it when she was 14

Another way to put it is to say that looking after the ddog is part of her responsibilities coming with the possibility of staying at home to buld up a nest to go travelling rather than starting with her own house, be independant etc...
She is given a facntastic opportunity but it comes with some expectations to help in the house, incl helping with ddog.
Its not mean to expect to chip in when she is also given such a big help in doing what is, after all, a very self indulgent plan.

@titiana, I dont think it matters if it split right in the middle or fair.
The issue is that the dd should take some responsibility in the house, not just being responsible FOR HER OWN STUFF such as doing her washing or tidy up afterjerself.
Im sure that the OP is doing plenty for her (eg cooking, cleaning the kitchen afterwrds washing/ironing? etc in the top of offering somehwree to live more or less rent free).
Nothing is being split equally into 3 or whatever so why shoud looking after the dog be like this?

I don't expect her to be responsible for the dog 3/4 days a week. I never said that, a PP did. I adore my dog and love walking her. It was just this one time when i really needed to get away for an afternoon and felt my needs and wants were less important than DD's. I may be retired but going to the city is something I rarely do. That's because i have a dog to look after! I feel i am going round in circles here. Anyway i am all ready to head to the station to catch my train and hopefully i can have a relaxing afternoon and can maybe even take DH for a drink before heading home.

Thank you for all the responses. I can see DD, DH and I need to have a frank chat about how we can all coexist harmoniously.

@Mini, does that mean that when somone is retired then they have to be at the beck and call of everyone else in the house?
does it work too for SAHP maybe?

The OP is doing a course at Uni. Thats just as important as work (and thats certainly what everyone would be saying if it was the dd doing a Uni course btw). She has some of her time already allocated to that as well as time for her hobbies/activities/self care. These are just as important as 'volunteering' or 'working' when both activities are done for one person enjoyment rather than because they wouldnt have roof over theor head.

I study part-time at my local uni. The module i am doing at the moment seems to have loads of very boring reading (medieval Scottish history - who knew it could be so dull!). I've ben welded to books all week in advance of writing an essay. My head is going to explode if i don't get out!

DD isn't responsible for your sad feels just bevause the course you're doing isn't very fun at the moment. Nor is she obliged to pick up chores at short notice if she has other plans - 30 minutes to get home, feed and let a dog out for a wee, changed and to the museum isn't very long at all, and museums don't tend to have many evening events. It's fair enough to have asked her but also fair enough that she said no sorry this time. You presumably could have got an earlier train home.

Incidentally, if it solves anything you can get timed release feeders inexpensively on Amazon.

Have the sharing of jobs/responsibilities conversation when everybody is cooler.

She is busy working all day and then volunteering in the evening. Why are you adding to her pressure. Be back in time to feed the dog after your afternoon shopping trip or see if anyone else can pop by to feed.
I think you were wrong to guilt trip your daughter over this, she is working and volunteering for goodness sake not mooching about the house with nothing better to do.

Personally I think it's all a big fuss for nothing. Surely the dog is not going to starve if she's fed an hour or two late.

I also don't think a 21 year old needs a to tell you her every movement and if you'd like her to do some more stuff around the house then give her a list.

You have created a drama over absolutely nothing. I understand that there's a whole wider picture here but to take your op at face value... well, total OTT reactions all round. Just feed the dog an hour or so later, come back earlier or don't go. I'd personally leave my 21 year old DD (and yes, I have one) to sort herself out and do her own thing and if I wanted her do do something and be here, I'd have told her this in good time.

I don't run a family diary though. My DD is in her final uni year and when she is here, I expect her to keep the place clean and tidy and she's not to wake me up late at night coming in from a night out. Apart from that - meh. They're adults in the family home. I'd be loosening the strings a little