please help, really struggling

[nutella2389]

Hello, I am in a total mess with my life and I would like either some clarity or reassurance. Got married earlier this year, and its been so downhill since then.

For background, been with my h for 4 years, no dc, and i really thought he was the one after so many awful previous relationships, particularly one that was abusive. When he proposed I was so happy, we had been living together a short time but it felt so right and we had spoken a lot about it and I felt so sure. Fast forward a couple of months and my mum got a terminal illness, i was beyond devasated and distraught and with emotions running high we moved our wedding forward just in case and as a distraction for everyone. I don't know how it happened but with weeks to go, I suddenly had big doubts but felt like I couldn't pull out because everyone was so invested and I thought as things were so stressful and I have anxiety maybe it was just that, and that I do love him. I spoke to him about some of my doubts and thought we had maybe resolved some of them.

Anyway, since we got married I am thinking I made a big mistake. I think in my post wedding come down and thinking shit have I done the wrong thing, I was a bit off and in my head a lot, and he actually became a bit controlling which I was really didn't expect, suddenly wasn't happy about me spending time with friends and family. We are both career people, but he suddenly wasn't supportive of my upcoming career plans which we discussed before the wedding. I think maybe once the wedding plans were out the way the cold light of day hit our relationship and its clear we had different expectations. We talked things through, reconciled, said we would try harder but he has started picking at me constantly about things I do or don't do, and we are always bickering. Its caused me to retreat into myself more and now its got to the point we are just living like housemates. I feel incredibly guilty and awful and sick because I know I shouldn't have gone through with it, but I just didn't want to hurt anyone and desparately hoped things would improve. I feel like I have ruined both our lives and I just don't know how to get past this. I know all this has really upset him and we have both cried a lot.

Has anyone been through anything similar? I'm fully prepared to be told I'm an awful selfish person, this is the lowest I've ever felt and I just cannot see anything getting better.

I read this today and found it really enlightening. Lots of your story seem to have correlations with hers. motherofalllists.com/2019/09/30/gaslighting-aka-psychological-abuse/

You haven't ruined his or your own life.

As you hadn't been living together very long, the bloom hadn't rubbed off and you had no reason to suspect that he had controlling tendencies.

Your dm's diagnosis created an urgency to wed, no doubt so that she could see you dressed in bridal finery.

Now the dust has settled you can see that you've made a mistake and there's no shame in calling it a day and going your separate ways.

Fortunately you have no dc and can file for a clean break divorce after 1 year of marriage.

There's no need to be so down on yourself. He may be disappointed your marriage has come to an abrupt end, but he should accept his part in hastening its demise, wish you well, and go on his merry way.

Addendum: If he isn't willing to go on his merry way, get the fuck out of Dodge asap otherwise you will become yet another da statistic living a zombie-like existence with your every thought and deed controlled by a tyrant.

Thanks for replying. I feel so guilty constantly, I wasn't thinking clearly when we moved the wedding forward as I was so distraught about my dm and he was so eager to get married I feel like this is my fault. I can't work out if me being distant has made him become like this so again my fault, he says it is. When we have spoken about how things are though he's become distraught, says he couldn't live without me. It's awful. We have a joint mortgage and all joint furniture which feels messy too. But I know in my heart this isn't right I just feel like I can't see a way out of it and he will be so hurt

Don't rush any decisions. You've been through an all lot in a short space of time. You might benefit from chatting to someone, about how your mum being ill had affected you. We often take things out on people when we are hurting. And this might be what's happening. You obviously did love him, you might've buried that love through fear?

Stop being so hard on yourself. And remember that we only truly discover what we want in life, by firstly experiencing what we DON'T want. Xxx

You loved what you thought he was and, as is often the case, he didn't reveal his true colours until after the wedding.

He may genuinely be distraught at the need to find another victim or these displays may simply be another attempt to control you and prevent you from leaving.

Whatever, it's ludicrous for him to claim that you being distant caused him to try to limit the time you spent with friends/family and restrict your previously agreed career moves.

The fact that you've been turning yourself inside out and beating yourself up about this unhappy situation suggests that he's been gaslighting you. Nothing's his fault, is it? It's all you and if only you changed your ways, modified your behaviour, didn't spend so much time doing x, y, z etc, everything in his the garden would be lovely.

Don't fall for it. And don't fret about the furniture. In the course of your lifetime you'll go through several showrooms worth and at the end of the day it's just stuff that you won't be taking with you when you shuffle off this mortal coil.

You're dangerously close to the brink and you need to leave him before you go over the edge and lose your mind on the descent.

Hi lovely. As a poster said, they often don't reveal their true self until they have you. Luckily you don't have children so as annoying as it is to have to split assets and sell the house, it's not that complicated.

My ex changed a lot once I had a baby and if he had treated me the way he ended up treating me (controlling, jealous, emotionally and financially abusive) before i got pregnant, i wouldn't have stayed with him.

So don't feel bad. This isn't your fault. Just consider yourself lucky that you found this out before kids.

Thanks for your replies. Its such a confusing time but I know deep down this isn't what I want. I'm worried because his family put some money into the wedding too, they would all hate me. I just know though that I can't live and go on like this, we haven't even had sex since the wedding which he blames on me for being distant, but actually I thought he was losing sexual interest in me before the wedding which was one of my doubts that I spoke about and he reassured me it was because he was busy and tired, so I thought I would let him instigate it and nothing has happened.

I am just afraid of disappointing and upsetting people, and seeing him hurt. I've got some counselling coming up which I am going to use to help navigate my feelings around this and hopefully get some clear objective advice about how best to deal with this. Its a shock because as much as I had my doubts, I had no idea how petty he could be, by doing things like getting annoyed if I haven't cleaned in a certain way, or forget something while shopping, and saying I am not devoting enough time to him when I want to see my family without him. But again, he says me being distant is making him feel like shit every day so i feel awful. His friends and family would all think I am dreadful for leaving a marriage not even a year after the wedding

I feel like I have ruined both our lives and I just don't know how to get past this
No you haven't.
Stop catastrophising this.
Think smaller.
You don't need to get past this.
You weren't sure. You now know.
It's time to cut your losses OP.

He's controlling. He's picking at everything you do. This is to put you down and make you feel like shit, hence your self-esteem goes down.
You've recognised the abuse. Be proud of that.
And don't accept it. Not any - not at all.

I am just afraid of disappointing and upsetting people
Stop stop stop stop.
Put yourself first. Right now you are disappointing and upsetting YOURSELF.
Who gives a shit what people think?
Stop people pleasing.
You haven't even consummated the marriage.

Look into annulment!

You clean how you want - not how he wants.
If he wants things cleaned a certain way then HE does it.
Not devoting enough time to him....
Oh OP - you know this is control and abuse.
RUN - FAR AND FAST.
Do not get drawn further into this.
It will become harder and harder to escape.
Time to contact Womens Aid and get yourself some specialist counselling. I'm not sure what counselling you are having but you need to discuss all of this.
Also do the WA Freedom Programme.
You are trying to ignore a shit tonne of red flags here.
Stop it - see them for what they are and get out!!
GET OUT!!!!!

OP I really feel for you. This is a daunting, overwhelming time for you with big decisions and whilst coping with your mums diagnosis. I couldn’t see from your post whether your DM is still alive? Perhaps you’re also newly-bereaved or are anticipating the end of her life, either way must be devastating.

I’m sorry to say but your husband sounds at best thoroughly unsupportive of you and at worst a controlling narcissist. This should be a time when he’s your rock, your supporter and your number 1 comfort-giver. I know you feel you’ve been distant but that’s understandable given your DM’s terminal illness and having a career and a floundering new marriage. It’s HIS job to remain a constant loving supporter and to make you feel secure and cared for during this awful time. But hes actively doing the opposite: criticising you, withholding physical affection, eroding your self-esteem. Ask yourself if this is the sort of husband you wanted? You’re not tied to him unless you want to be. It’s Boone’s business but yours if you split so don’t be too concerned with feeling you’re letting people down. I let those feeling hold me back from divorcing my exH but once I’d bitten the bullet I realised I had to love my life for me, not other people. You must prioritise your well-being, happiness and feelings here, especially due to your family bereavement, so that you can come to terms with your mums passing without having your grief process overshadowed by your unfeeling, critical & controlling spouse.

Seriously, do it now whilst you’ve no children. It could be relatively simple. No child maintenance to sort, no parental guilt, no ties except selling the house and going your separate ways.

Good luck OP and some for you.

Sorry for the typos in my above post.

His family put money into the wedding. That’s neither here nor there. You can’t feel guilty for how other people might feel because you want to leave a marriage that feels wrong.
You’re the one who matters here.
He is trying to control you and you need to get out. Don’t wait any longer as it will only be more misery.

I'm not sure if this counts for EA too, but hes become really funny about money, knows I haven't got a lot at the moment but won't pay for meals out like he used to, and if I can't afford an activity with his family or friends he just goes without me. I don't expect him to pay for everything at all and we split everything in the house including mortgage and food etc, but surely this isn't how newly wed life should be? I think its a punishment for not giving him enough attention because I am so withdrawn and distant now

Honestly, Nutella, he just sounds horrible. Break away from him now, please don’t waste any more of your life with this guy. Sounds like you have a lovely family. Spend your time with them and your mum. I hope your mum continues to do well.

First of all you have not ruined anyone's lives. I knew I'd married the wrong people/ made a big mistake in almost exactly the same way, ie, before the wedding and straight away after we both realised we wanted different things and were different people.
Luckily we didn't have kids and nor do you, keep it that way. Cut your losses and do an online divorce, I did, you have to wait 12 months legally then if he doesn't contest it's done and dusted.
I know some people may find this clinical or brutal even but it's what the law is for and we're luckily in this country to be able to control out destinies this way. You can move on and it'll all be a distant memory in time! Good luck

Ps, I hope,your mum is ok. X

Thanks Supergrassy, can I ask how did it turn out for you and how did you find the strength to leave?

I am just afraid of disappointing and upsetting people, and seeing him hurt

Being a people-pleaser can be a hiding to nothing and you could find yourself stuck in time like a fly in amber if you continue to put the opinions of others above those of your own.

Your h seems intent on punishing you in every way and he seems to be revelling in it. It's hateful of him to engage in activities with his family/friends when he knows full well you can't afford to join in and this behaviour is not that of a loving husband.

He really does think he's got you where he wants you and my fear is that he'll add violence to his ever growing catalogue of domestic abuse.

If you're not having sex with him keep it that way as no child should be brought into a toxic relationship - and that's what you've got with this man; he's poison and there's no antidote.

Do you have family/friends that you could stay with until your house sold/he's bought you out/you've bought him out?

Thanks for your reply. Yes I have plenty of family who would take me in like a shot that's not a problem, but I don't have much money so I'm concerned because we haven't had this house very long, so I don't think there's much equity if any in it. He put the deposit in so I would happily say to just transfer it all over to his name and walk away with nothing, is that realistic?

It fills me with dread to end it because when we were on the brink a couple months ago he was distraught and said he'd never get over it, and that we could never be friends or be in each other's lives and I was his whole world.

No don't worry I would never get pregnant now, I'm on the pill but as I said there have been 0 sex since the wedding, which I was upset about at first but now I've just lost interest in it with him.

I know the money thing is mean, I never saw that side of him before because whenever I'd be struggling he'd be the first to help with money, but now because I'm not being affectionate or all over him he won't help me out at all.

He couldn't live without you? Horseshit!
Stop worrying about his family or what anyone thinks and look after yourself.
This very unpleasant man is trying to control you in lots of nasty ways, blaming you for no sex, telling you he couldn't live without you while treating you badly and making no effort to listen to how unhappy you are, never mind actually doing something about it.
Get away as fast as you can. And be kind to yourself.

I think he genuinely believes that I am the one treating him badly because I'm being distant with him and not affectionate though, he says I am stringing him along. He said he feels crap constantly because of how I am acting. I keep trying to be nice and act normal but I just can't be dishonest with my feelings - I can't fake them especially with how he acts now

If the marriage hasn’t been consummated, you could get an annulment.
Best split now before he gets worse imho.
If he’s like this now about money, he will be worse when you have child & are on maternity leave! You will be expected to pay for everything as before with. No money left for you, while he will keep his money for himself as he is doing now, unless you do what he wants! Even then, you will have to jump through hoops.
I speak from experience, sadly.

It was consummated on the wedding night so no chance of that unfortunately.

What a mess

pengymum is right you could annul the marriage and simply walk away

it is the best move for both of you