please help, really struggling

[nutella2389]

Hello, I am in a total mess with my life and I would like either some clarity or reassurance. Got married earlier this year, and its been so downhill since then.

For background, been with my h for 4 years, no dc, and i really thought he was the one after so many awful previous relationships, particularly one that was abusive. When he proposed I was so happy, we had been living together a short time but it felt so right and we had spoken a lot about it and I felt so sure. Fast forward a couple of months and my mum got a terminal illness, i was beyond devasated and distraught and with emotions running high we moved our wedding forward just in case and as a distraction for everyone. I don't know how it happened but with weeks to go, I suddenly had big doubts but felt like I couldn't pull out because everyone was so invested and I thought as things were so stressful and I have anxiety maybe it was just that, and that I do love him. I spoke to him about some of my doubts and thought we had maybe resolved some of them.

Anyway, since we got married I am thinking I made a big mistake. I think in my post wedding come down and thinking shit have I done the wrong thing, I was a bit off and in my head a lot, and he actually became a bit controlling which I was really didn't expect, suddenly wasn't happy about me spending time with friends and family. We are both career people, but he suddenly wasn't supportive of my upcoming career plans which we discussed before the wedding. I think maybe once the wedding plans were out the way the cold light of day hit our relationship and its clear we had different expectations. We talked things through, reconciled, said we would try harder but he has started picking at me constantly about things I do or don't do, and we are always bickering. Its caused me to retreat into myself more and now its got to the point we are just living like housemates. I feel incredibly guilty and awful and sick because I know I shouldn't have gone through with it, but I just didn't want to hurt anyone and desparately hoped things would improve. I feel like I have ruined both our lives and I just don't know how to get past this. I know all this has really upset him and we have both cried a lot.

Has anyone been through anything similar? I'm fully prepared to be told I'm an awful selfish person, this is the lowest I've ever felt and I just cannot see anything getting better.

flighty daughter

So sorry to hear that,, sounds like you definitely made the right decision. Fortunately my mum has been so supportive in this and said my happiness is more important, and she actually blames herself for me being in this situation because she says if it weren't for her diagnosis we wouldn't have married so quick. So I know that I've got the support there, I just worry about upsetting him and feel so guilty for putting everyone through this, and that living here was my idea and now he can't get a job here

Guilt is a totally pointless emotion. I felt guilty over helping to choose a colour to paint the walls in my ex's house when it was being rented out and he moved in with me. I felt bad because that colour would remind him of me

This was three years ago now and I'm so glad I ended it. I'm actually a single mum now from a different relationship but I'm relieved not to be in a relationship that isn't working. It's like death by a thousand cuts.

You do what's right for you.

I've been thinking the same, I've decorated all of this house and keep thinking how he'll be thinking of me! I shouldn't think like that, I don't think he feels an ounce of guilt because he genuinely believes it's all my fault this is happening

Don't you dare feel guilty about any of this. This isn't your fault. Yoir only issue is that you're too nice and you're being taken advantage of. I'm nearly 50 and been to lots of weddings and when they've divorced, what i gifted them didn't even cross my mind. There were always really really good reasons for divorcing. I also remember a young friend marrying someone who was controlling and jealous and very worrying and though I went to her wedding, I felt desperately sorry for her. They did divorce a few years later after his abuse getting worse. I was so happy to hear that they had divorced.

Noone knows what goes on in relationships. My relationship with my ex looked amazing from the outside. My close friends knew the truth and whenever I've told people some examples of his behaviour after we were split, they completely changed their minds about him. I don't go around telling everyone about him by the way. Plenty of acquaintances probably just think we've had a friendly split.

But anyway, don't worry anymore about other people, they don't have to be married to him and well done for recognising it.

My ex once said he wished he was bulletproof like me. I think I did all my grieving for the relationship while I was still in it so by the time I ended it I mainly felt relief. I knew it wasn't getting any better.

There is strength is saying, "This isn't working and I'm going to end it now."

It's fine to leave. Marriage is not a final decision.

I think its a punishment for not giving him enough attention because I am so withdrawn and distant now

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your current situation the fact that you are withdrawn and distant will bring on a reaction from his part of also being withdrawn and distant. This is a normal human reaction and does not make him an arse or whatever.

My ex used to be like this . He'd often come in scowling withdrawn and when I asked him what's wrong he'd say 'nothing, it's just the way I am' but I noticed with everybody else he was all smiles. In the end I was also silent and withdrawn with him as well as that's the way he made me feel.
This is not to say your situation is anything like mine was, but the reaction of your OH to your distant and withdrawn mood is just normal I would say.

This does not help you in your current situation of course but I just wanted to point out that his reaction is pretty normal.

Yeah I think that too, although I'm not moody with him, I still try and initiate conversations and I started off by trying to talk about my career stuff with him excitedly, but he completely shot it down and made me feel so bad about it that that's what kind of provoked it all. But I do see what you're saying, that's partly why I feel guilty because I've pushed him into being like this

Seems like he is a blamer and a victim who wants adoration and focus.His need for attention drives his controlling behaviour as you don't exist as a real person just someone to meet his needs.

Punishing you is very typical of this type. Many of us have been fooled and it is often marriage that causes the behaviour to ramp up. You assumed marriage meant a cooperative supportive relationship but to him it is about you meeting his needs.

When you think of separating the "stuff" always feels daunting and overwhelming but once you start the process there are always solutions.

Due to no children and a newish house you could have a clean break. You may lose money due to the cost of a wedding/divorce but in the scheme of a long life it's not significant. My divorce cost a fortune in legal proceedings to get a break from a narcisstic ex husband but it was unavoidable and a few years down the line I have recovered from it.

Have faith in yourself that you will be able to rebuild your life emotionally and financially.

I have been your mother in regard to a significant illness and can say that without doubt I would want my daughter to have happiness. Those that love you will want you be to happy.Your H will only think of himself and his needs. I suspect his family are the same, if they are angry then that is their choice. I would only feel sadness if my children's marriage didn't work out.

If you are learning from the wedding that you should have listened to your instincts...Listen now!!

Thanks Techway. I don't necessarily think it's because I've got a ring on my finger he's acting this way, more that there's finally nothing to work towards in our relationship so I've returned my focus to my work and trying to make myself happy, and that takes the needs and attention away from him. If that makes sense. I agree I think he needs attention constantly - he actually told me early on he cheated on a long term girlfriend because she wasn't giving him much attention but I didn't think much of it because I was so adoring of him and showered him with attention back then.

If you don't mind me asking, why did your divorce cost so much? If I gave him the house and we split everything else, I don't think there is anything he could take off me?

Wow, OP, all I’m hearing throughout this thread is total anxiety over what other people will think of you! What does it matter OP what other people think of you??? Yes they will probably hate you or think you’re a bitch etc etc but what does that matter? They don’t matter! They Are irrelevant. When its all over, done and dusted, and you have moved on either with someone else or on your own, you may struggle to even remember who they are. I went through this and spent years worrying about what other people would think of me, I was so insecure, but now I’m angry looking back that I let that influence me. I’m angry at myself for taking so long to get out. I’ve never seen my X or his flying monkeys since the day I left. Yep I’m sure they all hate me but do I care? NOT a chance. They are all done and dusted and I couldn’t care less. I’m now happily married to someone else and could kick myself for allowing myself to be persuaded that it was my fault! Please research EA and narcissism to see how you are worn down into believing its all your fault. Once you do, hopefully it will make you angry enough to get the hell away from this narcissistic abuser and all his flying monkeys! I suggest you engage in specific counselling such as the freedom program as other PP’s have suggested. I tried other types of counselling but they only made me feel worse about myself.

I notice you said that you are now focusing on job and making yourself happy (after planning wedding etc the focus is less on him) - we’ll isnt he responsible for his own happiness too?! He’s like a whining baby and you are not responsible for him, his thoughts or his actions.

In response to my friends separation - similar to you, one of my friends had a gut feeling but they had bought a house together and announced their engagement etc so she kind of rolled with it when she knew she shouldn’t have. Luckily there were no children involved so it was a cleaner break.

You didn’t listen to your gut the first time so listen to it now. This is not a healthy situation for you. Can you imagine living like this for the next 40-50 years?? I don’t think so. Just rip the plaster off and you will be fine

Thank you, yes I have awful anxiety, I obsess over what everyone would think of me but mostly how hurt he'd be.

Ogham, I know yes he should be. I'm finishing off my thesis anyway, so it's important to me and is taking up a lot of my time at the moment. That sounds very similar with your friend, can I ask does she think about it now still? And was her husband devastated?

You are now morbidly obsessing over the feelings of people you don't know when it's not possible to quantify their feelings as sensitive souls may feel things more keenly than emotionally robust folk.

Lose yourself in your thesis, find yourself in your work, and don't concern yourself with the opinions and feelings of those who don't, or may not, have your best interests at heart.

Write or email the mortgage company stating that you relinquish all rights and title to the property known as < address > and wish to have your name removed from the mortgage. I suggest you subsequently give them a call to make sure they've received your instruction.

This is a marriage of short duration and you're being more than fair in signing title of the house over to him and relinquishing any claim on his pension or other assets accumulated during the course of the marriage (my advice might change if he wins Tuesday's Euromillions ).

Btw, is the money that was given to you both on the occasion of your marriage being kept in a joint account?

You can file for divorce online a year and a day after the date of the wedding and obtaining your Absolute should not cost more than the court fees which, I believe, are c£200-250.

Please leave as soon as possible as the longer you stay in this loveless relationship, the more you'll torment yourself.

for your dm. Has she been prescribed any drug that can prolong or enhance her quality of life?

OP is right to feel guilty. She's also right to be leaving the relationship if she wants to.

Feeling guilty in her case shows she's considering his side of the issue - she's contributed to the situation he finds himself in just as he has contributed to the situation she finds herself in.

It's Ok to leave a relationship that isn't working. What's not OK is to leave it with out having given a thought as to how the other person is feeling in cases where both parties have contributed to the breakup. The alternative would have seen her skipping happily away with a 'sod him' attitude.

Thanks DonKeyShot, yes I am obsessing think that's part of my anxiety I do obsess over everything. I'm almost trying to reassure myself that all this worrying about it happening and the practical stuff won't be as bad in reality.

He appears to have now just accepted it and is getting on and doing his own thing, not being horrible or anything at the moment really. Some of the money is in a joint account but not much, most of it is in cash.

Thanks so much, she's on a few drugs which she's reacting really positively to, so I'm just cherishing whatever time we have together and spending as much time as possible

I have a close relative who left her marriage after 4 months because she discovered that her partner was having a long term affair.

No one asked for the money ( for the wedding or the gifts ) back. We were all just so angry at him and worried and concerned for her.

I’m sure your family will be the same. You can’t cure your mothers terminal illness by staying in an unhappy and possibly abusive marriage.

See a lawyer about the legal issues. Get out as soon as you can.

You've got nothing to reproach yourself for, nutella.

Please leave asap and spend as much time as possible with your dm.

PS I suggest you take half of the cash that was given to you both and stash it in a bank account. Regard it as a rainy day fund or use it to offset the cost of moving and to build special memories with your dm.

Well since posting this I carried on and tried to just concentrate on work and be nice to him, and tonight he has ended our marriage by text whilst I'm away feel shocked but I guess he has taken the decision out of my hands

I’m sorry Nutella, that must have been a terrible shock.

Have you told your family and friends ? You need some RL support. I know they are stressed over your mums diagnosis but I’m sure they would want to know.

What’s happening over the practical issues - house, money , your thesis, work etc ?

Yes have told my friends and family. Tonight we are going to discuss the practical issues and I guess I will move back home to finish it off. It's come as such a shock and he seems very calm the way he has said it, but I haven't spoken in to him yet which I am dreading

Don't be sucked back in again OP.
He will start with 'if you change' 'if you can just do....' 'if you can be there for me' 'there is no-one better out there than me' etc..... blah blah blah
Ignore - cool detachment!