please help, really struggling

[nutella2389]

Hello, I am in a total mess with my life and I would like either some clarity or reassurance. Got married earlier this year, and its been so downhill since then.

For background, been with my h for 4 years, no dc, and i really thought he was the one after so many awful previous relationships, particularly one that was abusive. When he proposed I was so happy, we had been living together a short time but it felt so right and we had spoken a lot about it and I felt so sure. Fast forward a couple of months and my mum got a terminal illness, i was beyond devasated and distraught and with emotions running high we moved our wedding forward just in case and as a distraction for everyone. I don't know how it happened but with weeks to go, I suddenly had big doubts but felt like I couldn't pull out because everyone was so invested and I thought as things were so stressful and I have anxiety maybe it was just that, and that I do love him. I spoke to him about some of my doubts and thought we had maybe resolved some of them.

Anyway, since we got married I am thinking I made a big mistake. I think in my post wedding come down and thinking shit have I done the wrong thing, I was a bit off and in my head a lot, and he actually became a bit controlling which I was really didn't expect, suddenly wasn't happy about me spending time with friends and family. We are both career people, but he suddenly wasn't supportive of my upcoming career plans which we discussed before the wedding. I think maybe once the wedding plans were out the way the cold light of day hit our relationship and its clear we had different expectations. We talked things through, reconciled, said we would try harder but he has started picking at me constantly about things I do or don't do, and we are always bickering. Its caused me to retreat into myself more and now its got to the point we are just living like housemates. I feel incredibly guilty and awful and sick because I know I shouldn't have gone through with it, but I just didn't want to hurt anyone and desparately hoped things would improve. I feel like I have ruined both our lives and I just don't know how to get past this. I know all this has really upset him and we have both cried a lot.

Has anyone been through anything similar? I'm fully prepared to be told I'm an awful selfish person, this is the lowest I've ever felt and I just cannot see anything getting better.

As he paid the deposit, and as there would appear to be little or no equity in the house, it would be entirely reasonable for you to sign it over to him.

With regard to the furniture take any items that have particular meaning for you, or that you paid for, or if there is nothing of any value for you gift it all to him.

Should any of his family/friends have opportunity to question why you ended your marriage simply say 'I walked away with nothing and that should tell you all need know'.

Unless you have male relatives who are willing to liberate move you out of your home regardless of whether your h is around, I would advise you to take a day off work on a date that you know he'll be working, hire a van, move your belongings out and leave him a note saying you've left because it's obvious that he's as unhappy as you are in the marriage and you'll be in touch re finances and divorce in due course

As you have family who clearly love you, move in with one of them as soon as you can before your resolve wavers.

You CAN do this and you MUST do it otherwise you'll succumb to his controlling and abusive ways.

Ok thank you for the advice. Does it cost much to take me off the mortgage? And what if his family want the money back for the wedding?

I'm worried people will think I'm a bad person, I always read on here how people say it's so selfish to go through with getting married when you aren't sure. I feel that's what I've done although obviously it's more complicated than that.

You KNOW the truth about yourself. You are a good person; you are caring and thoughtful and some would say you are your own worst enemy because you are letting a lack of self-confidence stop you from becoming all you can be. To this extent you really shouldn't be giving a flying fuck about what others think of you.

It's customary for families to give money to enable the weddings of one of their own. It's not an investment opportunity and no-one should be giving money towards a wedding if they are expecting a return on, or of, their cash.

Does he earn enough to pay the mortgage without your contribution?

Thank you. I guess it helps to see what people think of the situation. I'm sure his family and friends will hate me but I can't control what he will tell them about me. We actually don't have many shared friends anyway.

Yes he definitely earns enough to cover it so that wouldn't be a problem. He wanted to buy somewhere but i was the one that picked this area, it's not very close to his work as he was hoping to get a job closer but that hasn't worked out, so that's another thing I feel guilty about too

How do you make your mortgage payments? Do you have a joint account to which you each contribute and payment is made by direct debit, or do you transfer money to his account and payments go out of his bank account?

It's NOT your fault he wasn't able to get a job closer to where you live and after you've sorted the finances he'll have the option to sell up and move closer to where he currently works.

Some, or even many, may take the view that it's selfish to marry if you're not sure, but every case is different. In your case your dm's diagnosis is an extenuating circumstance that can only elicit sympathy for her and understanding for your having made decisions under pressure.

I transfer my half to him each month and it comes out of his bank. Yes you are right, he has reminded me many times this was my idea to move here though so I guess that adds to my guilt.

I don't blame people for thinking that, I think that about myself but yes you are right, until you're in that situation you just don't know. I didn't want to hurt or let anyone down which is cowardly in hindsight but I thought he loves me so much and he is supportive etc hopefully things would just go back to normal when things were good once the pressure was off, as I only really had doubts a few weeks before. Easy to go round in circles I suppose, I think it's probably part of my anxiety doing this to myself

Should also maybe add, I spoke to him about my doubts before and he said that buying a house was the bigger commitment and we've already done that so I thought well yeah he is right. And about a month after the wedding, he admitted he'd already looked up divorce himself because I wasn't giving him enough affection anymore and being distant

I stayed with my first husband for almost a year after marrying. I was in the rebound and thought I'd found the one. I hadn't and felt terribly guilty about the cost of the wedding which my parents mostly paid for. I stayed as long as I could bear to. It took a while for me to realise that you only get one shot at life and I wasn't happy to make do with this unfulfilling existence. It was tough but I felt complete and utter relief to set my own path. Good luck x

Thanks so much Miranda, helps hearing similar stories as I feel the only person in the world this has happened to.

How was it ending it with him? Was he devastated? And do you still think about it or feel guilt now?

He moved on pretty quickly tbh. In fact his ex girlfriend moved in around 2 months later lol. I lost quite a few friends in the process although they were friends we had made together rather than my own circle. I decided I needed a clean break so made a conscious effort not to try to keep certain friendships going. I threw myself into work and just kept busy. Human beings are pretty resilient and if things are as difficult as it sounds he may already be thinking things aren't going well. If you love him, work it out. If you're staying out of guilt or pity you need to bite the bullet and make plans to split x

You have got to start being more selfish. So what if he is "devastated". So what if his family say horrid things about you. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, you're the only one who is going to put YOU first. Yes it's messy and painful but please get out of there before the guilt tripping gets even worse.

Were you require to sign any documents when you exchanged contracts for the property and/or when the sale was completed?

Have you seen documents from the mortgage company which show both of your names as mortgagees?

He purported to be a loving, caring, and supportive husband-to-be when he had no intention of being any of those things to you,

Think about the guilt he should feel for, effectively, marrying you under false pretences.

One thing that really helped me when I was in a similar position was what someone on here said. They pointed out that people split up and get divorced all the time, the world keeps on turning. In your head it is the biggest deal ever, but in the greater scheme of things your getting divorced really doesn’t matter. Even for the people who will care about this, they won’t care nearly so much as you think they will.

Yes, his family will hate you. So what?

Thanks everyone. I know I do need to put myself first, putting myself last is what's got me into this mess. I guess him being this way makes it slightly easier as it feels more justified.

Miranda, what were your reasons if you don't mind me asking? Were you just not in love anymore?

DonKeyshot yes I have seen the documents and we did sign for things together, my name is definitely on the house and joint mortgage

Nutella, please leave. Get counseling ASAP (without him knowing) which will help you see what’s happening and help you see through the fog. What struck me most is saying that you don’t have much money when you leave. He is a narcissist- he will make sure you have no money in the future, no confidence, no self worth and no contact with family/friends. This “man” does not love you, he loves control and has lured you in by being nice, but now he’s got you he’s gaslighting you into thinking everything is your fault. Look up the freedom program and narcissism.
Roll up all your “guilty” feelings in a ball and throw it away!! You can’t control what others say or think about you. I like the quote “what other people say about you is none of your business” - it helped to free my headspace.
As for him saying that you’re his world and crying when talking about splitting up is just another narcissist tactic to keep you there. - when you decide to leave he will realize he has lost that control so be careful he doesn’t use violence. I would make sure there is a male family member with you or leave when he’s not there (but don’t discuss it before hand). He will probably beg you to return and may threaten to hurt himself etc - its all pure bullshit to try and regain control and make your life a hell of a lot worse. The only person he loves is himself!!
The long and short of it is, stop putting hurdles in your way of leaving (his family, not having much money, possessions, other peoples feelings etc) THE ONLY thing worth having in life is happiness. You’re one of the lucky ones, you have family to stay with and no children in the mix.
Sorry this is so long - please leave and work on yourself through counseling, you deserve to be strong and happy. X

Thanks so much. Yes haven't told him about the counselling, just waiting to see someone at the moment hopefully will be a couple weeks. It's so strange to hear everyone describe him as this because honestly he would never think of himself as controlling, everyone and I at one point saw him as one of the nice guys. I know what he's doing isn't right but it seems strong to call it abuse if you see what I mean. I feel like I'm almost exaggerating it but I'm honestly not, written down I can see it's not normal new husband behaviour

Another thing sorry is wedding money, we received honeymoon contributions but haven't actually booked it because of work, would people expect that back? Some people gave us a generous amount but they were mostly his friends that did

Don’t be worrying about the wedding gifts or money, it was given as a gift and they probably got a day out if you had a traditional wedding. I’ve had two friends separate in

less than a year after getting married- peoples only concern was for their friend during the separation.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Write all your guilts and concerns down on a page then cross each one off and burn the page.

ALL that matters is your happiness. Forget about what MIL thinks or what his friends may say about you. Think about it, are these concerns worth staying in such a horrible relationship? No Way!!!

You know you need to get away. Don’t wait til it gets worse and he’s ground you down even more. He has your mind twisted so much that you can’t think straight anymore. Your counseling sessions will really help you to think more clearly. Detatching from him will help you see things differently too and will make you stronger.

I really hope you find strength soon and put a plan in place to get away from him. You can absolutely do this x

It's such a lonely time isn't it? You feel like no-one will understand and everyone will blame you.

My first marriage broke up after 18 months, and was in many ways similar to yours. But once I had started to tell my friends how unhappy I was I started to realise that I had support and that I couldn't stay just to keep everyone else happy.

My parents were awful though. Took his side, and still do.

I married again, convinced it was the right one this time, but that ended 5 years ago.

Again many people judged me and I lost them as "friends", but the ones who have stuck by me are amazing. Sadly, my parents, again, were cruel and unsupportive, and that has now affected my relationship with them.

Remember, we are just tiny tiny aspects of this huge universe and here for such a short time. We deserve to be happy in life. Financially I lost money in both divorces, but I'm still friends with them both, and never resorted to nasty power games.

Be kind always and only leave love behind and you will move on to happier things.

Thanks 45, did you lose a lot of money in your first divorce? It is lonely, and I know he is upset over it too so I feel bad for that reason. Wish I'd never gone through with it but hindsight is a great thing.

Ogham, do you know why your friends split up if you don't mind me asking? I've searched constantly for similar stories online to try and take comfort that I'm not the first person going through this.

I think now he has almost accepted that I am distant so he's doing it back, he's disinterested now so not being horrible anymore but just not wanting to do stuff with me and making his own plans. So although he's not being awful, it's still not right for two people who've just got married is it? We don't kiss or anything at all, my fault as he did try harder at first but his behaviour just put me off. But even then, we've never had passionate kissing or anything like it should be, just a quick peck. I'm not interested in anyone else, but I do look at my friends relationships who are all over each other and make each other laugh and think surely this isn't all there is for me?

The 'details' don't matter. House stuff, furniture etc - that can all be sorted. It also doesn't matter whose 'fault' this is (although he seems determined to make it your fault which tells you that you are right to get out). What matters is that it's not working. Your life is worth more than chairs and mortgages. It's only divorce - and I don't say that lightly. I once ended a 5.5 year engagement - not the same as being married, I know - after about 2 years of feeling like you. My elderly father said to me at one point, "If you do get married you can get divorced. It's not forever. But there comes a time when you have to stop trying."

We are all human. We are all entitled to our feelings. We can all change our minds.

Just want to add, I find everyone on here so supportive, it helps enormously as although I talk to my family they all also have their hands full with helping my mum, as she is not coping mentally with her diagnosis at all. Wish I could have posted before the wedding and everyone would have given me the courage to leave, but I was so uncertain and maybe you have to live through these things to understand them? As I was so unsure I think I'd have regretted leaving then and felt even guiltier because I hadn't seen this side of him at all. On the plus side too, I've got some lovely photos of me and my mum on the wedding day I'll treasure forever

Thanks so much Amia, if my mum hadn't been ill we would still be engaged and I'd probably have found the courage to end it, but maybe I still wouldn't have seen this side of him? The decision to bring it forward was because my mum really wanted me to get married, was so excited and I couldn't bear to get married in the future without her there. I didn't do it with malicious intentions or because I wanted all eyes on me, just was so devastated about my mum

I understand completely, Nutella. We actually broke up around 6 months after my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My ex reacted badly to the fact that my attention wasnt on him (yes, I was 'distant') and had a huge strop the day before I took her for a MRI scan. Eventually what caused me to snap was when I spent 'too long' on the phone to my brother discussing an appt for mum. That was it, I was done. She actually took his side in the break up and suggested he stay with them for a while It was a 'what will the neighbour's think of my flight daughter' reaction.