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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't love

88 replies

RollNButter · 02/10/2019 12:13

I'm fed up , miserable and lonely,
This wasn't the plan.
We was supposed to move into this house and start afresh but turned out all to be lies.

My main issue is my partner doesn't sleep next to me at night he doesn't even stay here he just turns up early morning. I have so much love for him but it's not being returned.

I want to get away but I have no where to go , I've got 3 children. If I leave we will be homeless and I can't put my children through that. I feel like I'm stuck here miserable for the rest of my life.

I know I made the mistake by even giving this a second go I've truly fucked everything. I will never be happy. My life will never be what I hoped it would be. I know I deserve more but that will never happen now because I'm his and he will never let me go.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 15:23

Ok two things here.

Do you spend time together as a couple socialising? With his family and friends? Does he tell everyone he's in a relationship with you?

And if he is abusive then call the police and womens aid.

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:24

It's going to be hard to leave but I will end up depressed and my kids need me sane.

It's like he will be nasty and then randomly do an act of kindness like pick up my daughter. I Can't keep up.
He other night I got angry and said I am leaving and he took two days off work and stayed in the house so I couldn't leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:25

Yes his brother and mother.

We don't go out but we do normal things like shopping, grab food, this is because we have no one to baby sit so often a movie and take away at home.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 15:27

You socialise as a couple with his brother and mother?..

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:29

He's mother was actually staying here for a while with us , and I've met he's brother loads of times , he's come over for dinner etc.

We go into town often where we bump into his friends but haven't gone out with any down to child care.

OP posts:
merryhouse · 02/10/2019 15:41

I'll probably get told this is a Really Stupid Idea (I'm often an idiot when it comes to people) but...

is there any chance you could ask his wife for a loan to get you into somewhere to rent yourself? Tell her you want to get away from him once and for all (you do want that, don't you) but are stuck in the not homeless / no benefits Catch-22.

Please note: I have no idea about benefits, or housing in London.

PatriciaHolm · 02/10/2019 15:45

He doesn't love you and he's abusive.

Get out before this becomes the pattern of relationships your children are stuck with.

BrassTactical · 02/10/2019 15:49

Ok he actually sounds scarily abusive.

DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT THIS.

Woman up, protect your kids future and taken positive action, stop giving him your power. Call women’s aid and make a plan to leave.

Summerhillsquare · 02/10/2019 15:49

OP, what you are describing is abuse: both financial and coercive control. You sound like you haven't had a supportive steady family life before, and so its not surprisisng you have sought one with him. He isn't going to give it to you. Rise up , figure out what YOU want and how you can work towards it, even in small steps. Don't run your world around him.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 15:50

What do you mean his mother stays there with "us" ? You said he doesn't stay there?

sallynoballs · 02/10/2019 15:53

I can't believe this!

I hope you get out soon.

This is madness

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 16:00

Yup, it's so cray Cray I'm struggling to believe it's real.

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 16:19

OP this is a grim, and I imagine surreal/almost unbelieveable, situation to be in.

It is worth you having a go at contacting Women's Aid and asking for their advice/support, maybe a place to stay.

They may also know of a way you can rent with help towards a deposit etc. In Birmingham there is/was a thing called the Bond Scheme that the council runs. You could probably find one that'd all be covered by housing benefit once you're in.

I think if it was me I'd want to confirm what's been happening (though it's fairly obvious.) Perhaps you could contact the wife, but not until you're safely away from him.

I'm sorry you think without him you'dve ended up like your mum. I'm in therapy for various things, and it's been really helpful. When you're settled I think you'd benefit from therapy, to be happier and to stand more of a chance of not being trapped with a man who takes the piss to this extent- at least not for as long. Your life doesn't have to be either something like this or ending up like your mum.

Hugs and best wishes xxxxx

Sagradafamiliar · 02/10/2019 17:50

You're being really badly abused. He's done quite the number on you over a sustained period of time. Which is why you've found yourself in this current set up and trapped in it to boot.
You need: women's aid, and the police Thanks

apocalypsechef · 02/10/2019 18:07

OP you need to get away from this man. Only YOU can change things. Go and get a job or if you have one look into retraining and get a better one. Don’t just lie in the dirt and be treated like this you deserve better than this and you need to put your DC first and while you think you are long term you need to find a way to stand on your own two feet and set an example to them.

sallynoballs · 03/10/2019 11:58

Did you speak to him?

Original poster
RollNButter · 03/10/2019 13:56

I did, he said things will change.

Just had a row he's left now.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 03/10/2019 14:10

Have to pick my girl up... have no key to get back in. Phones cut off. Not sure what to do ?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2019 14:48

No-one owns you OP.
You are a grown-up human adult.
You are in charge of your own destiny.

Stay calm for now.
Do you have a phone?
Call the council.
Call Shelter.
Call Womens Aid
Call Rights of Women
Explain to Shelter and the council that you are homeless.
You have 3 DC they will have to find you somewhere to live.

This guy is a grade A CUNT!!!!!!
Talk to every organisation you can and get away as quickly and safely as possible.

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 15:35

Why do you have no keys and why is rhe phone cut off?

PonyPals · 03/10/2019 15:50

I thought he was bringing home your girl Hmm

Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2019 15:56

I don't understand that's the problem
No, the problem is that you keep trying to understand.

He isn't a normal, empathetic human being like you. He is a using, manipulating, lying monster. So he doesn't think like you. So no matter how much you try to understand why he does what he does, you can't. Because you have a soul and he, doesn't. He's an empty vessel that cares only about his own wants and needs and doesn't care who he hurts to get them met. Infact, hurting you and playing you off against the other woman, pretty much just adds to the enjoyment.

You need to start taking practical steps to getting free of him. And his family because if they are allowing him to go on like this between too women, whilst taking advantage of staying in your home - they are just as toxic as him.

Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2019 15:57

*two

Original poster
RollNButter · 03/10/2019 16:35

That was yesterday pony

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 03/10/2019 16:37

He took it. My bill hasn't been payed. I'm truly
Fucked.

OP posts:
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