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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't love

88 replies

RollNButter · 02/10/2019 12:13

I'm fed up , miserable and lonely,
This wasn't the plan.
We was supposed to move into this house and start afresh but turned out all to be lies.

My main issue is my partner doesn't sleep next to me at night he doesn't even stay here he just turns up early morning. I have so much love for him but it's not being returned.

I want to get away but I have no where to go , I've got 3 children. If I leave we will be homeless and I can't put my children through that. I feel like I'm stuck here miserable for the rest of my life.

I know I made the mistake by even giving this a second go I've truly fucked everything. I will never be happy. My life will never be what I hoped it would be. I know I deserve more but that will never happen now because I'm his and he will never let me go.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 14:22

This is what confused me before the wife said they didn't have much of a sexual relationship ?

Can men marry for money or is that just me hoping we do have something and it's not all lies.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 02/10/2019 14:23

It is all lies. He's with his family each night then comes to see the OW in the morning.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 14:24

Not having MUCH of a sexual relationship means there's a sexual relationship

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 14:25

Op, you do know where he is at night, he's with his wife. And are you saying she thinks it's over between you?

Of course it's all lies.

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 14:25

@Caselgarcia I appreciate the bluntness. Why would a man create a family if there is no love, why would he collect my daughter from school If he didn't care? I'm just trying to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 14:30

Don't you think it's backwards though , they have no kids maybe he just wanted kids and so he had them with me , I'm just the womb that created his kids.

I don't know if she knows we're still together , I wouldn't know they are if he was staying here at nights but I'm not buying the "I'm sorting shit out" lies anymore.

Sometimes I wish I was gullible because god this is shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 14:32

When I told the wife we had a sexual relationship and children she said "that's impossible" why would that be impossible I don't know.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 02/10/2019 14:35

It's 'impossible' because she's a mug and believes his bullshit too

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 14:36

They didn't even have sex on their wedding night that's how much detail she told me of how much they don't have sex.

I know I'm a fool I just feel there's more to all of this.

How would I confront him because I need to I can't be the OW with the kids and him just doing whatever he wants. The thought of him cuddling up in bed while I'm here taking care of our kids makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 14:40

Honestly what do I do I feel like I'm punishing my children if I leave and that will be it do they deserve to suffer because I can't get over him being a cheat.

Or do I run with the kids and just survive.

Either way il be unhappy because the damage is done.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 14:49

Honestly I'm struggling with this op. You don't seem to understand you are the other woman, not her. She is his wife. He spends every night with her. He lives with her. Not you, And she clearly thinks it's over between you.

I'm not sure what you're hoping for here, but the facts are clear as day.

PatriciaHolm · 02/10/2019 14:58

Well he's having a whale of a time isn't he, with both of you on the hook, lots of sex, few responsibilities, playing family man just often enough to keep you in line.

This is it, OP. This is all he's ever going to give you. If he was passionate about you, it wouldn't be hard to be with you, live with you. He doesn't want to.

Don't give your children this role model for relationships. Would you want this for them when they grow up?

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 14:59

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is how she should be treated?

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:00

I don't understand that's the problem and I don't know what to do because I was just filling myself with hope and was trying to trust him, he pulled me into a sense of security and I'm the love of his life so to hear I'm the OW and he doesn't love me is truly heartbreaking because it's not just about me it's the kids too.

I feel stuck and I don't want to be the OW forever. I believed him when I shouldn't have and this is my fault now.

I'm not even going to tell her about this if that's the husband she wants that her choice.
He has said he will kill me if I ever leave for someone else and he's there having a wife and a family on the side. Probably more women I don't know about.

I just don't know how to get out of this situation.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 15:02

Op, he got married when he was in a relationship with you. If this doesn't tell you you're not his main relationship then what will. He doesn't even live with you. He lives with his wife.

It's like you're trying to pretend it's not true.

GrapefruitGin · 02/10/2019 15:08

I’m sorry op but it sounds like you are the OW and he is probably spilling these lies to his wife too. He wouldn’t have married her if he didn’t want to. I know you say there’s no way out but there is. You’re only 25 - this doesn’t have to be your life. There is ALWAYS a way out.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 15:09

You're happy for your daughter to live this same life if that's what she wants? Are you for real?

If you're scared of him please contact women's aid and the police. Is there anywhere you can go? Do you have friends and family?

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:10

I know I suppose because he used to live with us I've got that drilled in my head because he literally went to work and came home to me. But that's not the case now, he HAS to stay with her otherwise she will know he's with me. He can't use the "I'm working nights" excuse.

I really am the side chick. I thought having children was meaningful obviously not.

He will be back with my daughter in 10 minutes.
I don't know if I should say anything about this or what , I don't want him to start shouting. I don't even know what to say.

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 02/10/2019 15:12

Don't try and understand why you're in this situation. Concentrate on getting out of it.

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:12

@AmIThough sorry I don't know what you mean I haven't said anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:14

@AmIThough I have no friends none, I have no family just my Nan but she won't have us and he knows that's where il be.

OP posts:
donethinkin · 02/10/2019 15:16

He’s married to somebody else!! Sleeps elsewhere overnight!! What’s to understand! He’s used you for sex. You’re basically his free prostitute (sorry but that’s true!) you don’t have a relationship. He’s using and abusing you and you don’t seem to really be getting it. Why have you sat around and let him behave like this? If he’s not with you and not with his wife overnight he’s probably got another one somewhere! Is the house in his name or yours? If it’s his I would go to the council and say you need somewhere to live! You could rent somewhere in your name and get housing benefit to cover it. Rent in a cheaper area. Have you got all your benefits sorted? You can then claim child maintenance from him

Original poster
RollNButter · 02/10/2019 15:17

Would it be silly to ask her if they're still living together? Or do I just assume they are and this is where he's sleeping at night?

Sometimes he will take my keys , disconnect wifi , lock things behind doors.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 02/10/2019 15:19

Sorry I asked before if you wanted your daughter to grow up thinking this was ok and you said
I'm not even going to tell her about this if that's the husband she wants that her choice.
I thought you were responding to me - misunderstanding.

So you do know he's with her?

Could you ask him? Just ask him outright - say you want to feel like a proper family and at the moment you're not.
Tell him if you can't be a proper family you need to move on for your own sanity.

Costacoffeeplease · 02/10/2019 15:19

You don’t need to say anything now, but you do have to make plans to get away, this is just insane

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