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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Intrigued to know what you think?

62 replies

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 21:08

I wanted to know if anyone else has this type of relationship with their partner, I feel i will be judged if I talk about the way me and my oh operate in our relationship to rl friends, my oh job is a very socially active nightlife job he is always in the way of temptation, I don't mind if he chats women up, I don't mind if he sexts them or calls them, I only have a problem when he hides it from me and deletes things, I hate the thought of someone he is having these relations with having one over me, I get angry and upset if I think he is hiding something from me I'd rather know, I have no intrest in talking/flirting having extra relations with anyone else I'm quite happy with my relationship as it is, we are open with each other, we have been in some shitty situations that lead us into a better understanding of us as a couple, I don't do what he does because it doesn't intrest me, does anyone else share my experience, I'd like to hear what people think on our situation, thank you x

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 01/10/2019 21:11

Is he a gigolo?

He obviously has zero respect for you. Your rl friends would be judging him, not you.

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 21:25

Gigolo is a no lol, can't say to much on that front atm, I did think this is what people would think (zero respect opinion)

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 01/10/2019 21:25

Do you think he respects you?

Hecateh · 01/10/2019 21:30

Whatever is genuinely acceptable to both of you is fine in my book.
Do you have boundaries you are not prepared to have crossed?
Does he know what these boundaries are?

If you are happily accepting everything you know about so far and he understands that and hasn't hidden it in the past my strong suspicion would be that he has overstepped the boundary you have set.

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 21:39

I think he does, as long as I am aware of his actions, i find it more disrespectful if he lies and covers things up, we have experimented and done alot of things most couples wouldn't, we both work hard have a family life and still make time for us, so he doesn't abandon me or choose what he does over me x

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2019 21:40

For now, OP. He doesn’t choose anyone else, for now.

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 21:43

Hecateh, yes that's the general thing we have an understanding, and yes he has overstepped the mark in the past which has lead to us sitting down and setting boundaries, he is not an easy man to live with and we are not an average couple, as the saying goes , work hard play hard, x

OP posts:

inmyshoos · 01/10/2019 21:44

Do you have dc together?
Do you mind if he has physical contact with others or is that crossing a line?

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 21:45

Atrocious I understand your opinion this is the norm rational response thank you for sharing x

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/10/2019 21:46

OP, everyone is free to make their own rules and boundaries. I think yours is a relatively less usual dynamic in that it’s a one-way thing, i.e. you aren’t interested in seeing other people too: for most open couples it’s a mutual thing. But if it’s a genuine lack of interest and you’re quite happy with the arrangement then who’s to tell you it must be wrong or weird or disrespectful.

The way I see it, you can’t make yourself feel something you don’t. I don’t experience jealousy in a sexual sense. I can’t make myself feel jealous about my partner being with other women, any more than I can make myself believe in God, be interested in celebrity fashion, or care about which football team wins. My relationship is fully open and all that really matters is that everyone is honest, communicative and shows due concern.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2019 21:50

If you’re happy with it OP then great - there are many ‘norms’. One ‘norm’ is a surrendered wife putting up with a lot of shit. Maybe you have your own norm.

TheVanguardSix · 01/10/2019 21:52

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, OP.
If you're ok with a one-sided, semi-open relationship and at the same time, you feel respected by him and safe within the framework of the relationship, that's fine.
I am not sure if you have an actual issue or if you just want to see what others think.
Personally, I wouldn't be happy in such a relationship, but I'm me, not you, and my boundaries are different.

inmyshoos · 01/10/2019 22:00

Would he be ok with you doing the same?

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 22:04

Inmyshoos We do have dc, and no it doesn't bother me if he has physical contact with others as long as I know,
ComtesseDuSpair, thank you you have pretty much summed me up, we are still learning as we go along communication plays a massive part in our relationship we have experienced bad communication dealt with the fallout, and no w find ourselves here, we spoke at length last night we are the strongest we have been in the 14 years we have been together, everyone I know would die if I told them this truth about us I'm just thankful someone is a little more positive and can rationalize what I'm going through x

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 22:06

Immyshoos I think his stance would be like mine (he says) but I genuinely wouldn't know untill I have done it I suppose (not interested ATM though)

OP posts:

ilovetofu · 01/10/2019 22:07

Why are you posting on here if you're totally fine with it all OP?

ilovetofu · 01/10/2019 22:08

That's not judgemental I'm genuinely curious...

lifegoes · 01/10/2019 22:12

The best advice I can say is ask yourself these questions...

What would you say if this was your best friend?
How would you feel if your son/daughter were treating another like this?

How are you going to feel when he leaves you for another?

Interestedwoman · 01/10/2019 22:16

'I'm just thankful someone is a little more positive and can rationalize what I'm going through'

'What I am going through' implies you're finding it somehow difficult.

I would be happy with this arrangement maybe if I had an OH and he had a higher libido than me, so it took the pressure off me a bit. He would have to always use protection, of course, but even condoms don't protect from everything, plus you wouldn't know if he was genuinely using them- most blokes seem pretty crap at getting round to using them these days.

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 22:17

Thevanguardsix, I wanted to find others in similar situations and also to get others insights and opinions on my situation I find it keeps my mind open to possibilities I would not have thought about, I respect that this is not for all, and am grateful to hear peoples concerns over it x

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2019 22:21

Basically he sleeps with and has relarionships with other women and as long as you know you're ok with it?

Is this because he would do it any way? So you either leave or accept it?

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 22:22

Ilovetofu, as of yet he hasn't physically been with anyone else only chat/sexts, I have asked myself over and over would you be ok if he did physically be involved with another my answer is yes but I get this feeling that maybe I haven't covered all angles in my thinking which is why I'm here asking peoples opinions/experiences x

OP posts:

dontdoubtyourself · 01/10/2019 22:22

Or get off on it

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 22:26

Bluntness100, if I didn't want him to do something he wouldn't, he wouldn't want to upset or hurt me through his actions, I am not tied to him for anything so if we split I can look after me and the DC I have no fear of losing him on that front the heart ache would be over the fact I have lost someone I am totally in love withbx

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocopop89 · 01/10/2019 22:29

Dontdoubtyourself, ??

OP posts:

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