Intrigued to know what you think?

[Chocopop89]

I wanted to know if anyone else has this type of relationship with their partner, I feel i will be judged if I talk about the way me and my oh operate in our relationship to rl friends, my oh job is a very socially active nightlife job he is always in the way of temptation, I don't mind if he chats women up, I don't mind if he sexts them or calls them, I only have a problem when he hides it from me and deletes things, I hate the thought of someone he is having these relations with having one over me, I get angry and upset if I think he is hiding something from me I'd rather know, I have no intrest in talking/flirting having extra relations with anyone else I'm quite happy with my relationship as it is, we are open with each other, we have been in some shitty situations that lead us into a better understanding of us as a couple, I don't do what he does because it doesn't intrest me, does anyone else share my experience, I'd like to hear what people think on our situation, thank you x

I know people have their own views on relationships, some people accept stuff others wouldn't dream of. But going from your "as long as I know so other women cant have one up on me" tells me that you know he is going to anyway, regardless if you have an understanding so you're just trying to control it as much as you can.

I think there is a difference between 2 adults believing in an open relationship and setting the boundaries to being forced to accept your partners a cheat, so putting restrictions on how/when they can cheat.

I'm also surprised you say he wouldn't go with other women if you asked him not to. As your wishing him to tell you and not wishing other women to think they have One up on you would indicate you want some control in the situation as otherwise you'd have none.

In other words he's going to do it, so you need to accept it, or leave and you don't want to leave.

Can you explain why you're so happy for him to be involved with other women?

I don't think you'll find many, if any, who run their relationships like this. Of course people have open relationships, but this is not that. This is simply he is involved with other people and not faithful.

Maybe you are right, I am trying to take control, in the beginning (years ago) he would speak with other women and I hated it, we would talk it over and we would be fine for a while untill he over stepped the mark again, I am head over heels in love with this man, he has accepted me for all I am with my faults too, he is a naturally flirtatious person so it is easy for him to become entwined into something that would be deemed not the norm, we are happy in every other aspect of our life, it's just this one thing, I feel I am compromising and I genuinely think if I know then I can deal with it better, maybe people will see it as I am being walked over, but I see it as having a strong enough relationship to withstand and compromise is that not what marriage is?

Just for clarification he has never physically been with anyone yet but I feel it may end this way, I am open to Try new things if it's not for me then we don't do it again, he likes my involvement to him it shows trust, love, commitment, and personal strength between us x

Then op it is what you said it wasn't. He will do it anyway. So this is your way of staying in the relationship. Only you can decide if that's acceptable to you or not.

For myself and most other women it would not be ok. But I don't think you'll find many who choose to live this way.

I have several friends in unconventional relationship set-ups, including open marriages. You, on the other hand, appear to love this serial sexter considerably more than he loves you and to be trying to rationalise the fact that you’re afraid to say ‘this doesn’t work for me’, because you’re afraid he would leave you if you set limits to his behaviour, by making yourself out to be some radical relationship philosopher.

If you are fine with the relationship it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you're not leave. It certainly wouldn't be for me.

It doesn't seem to me like you are fine with him sleeping with other people.

But I'm just a stranger on the internet so what do I know?!

Only you will know OP when it happens. Which it sounds like it will, if it hasn't already 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't mind him sexting 😳

Can I ask what he did the last time to overstep the boundaries you had?

It sounds as though he has it made tbh.

Theres no way on earth that you're going to know everyone he has been messaging.

(Btw no judgement as said before, everyone has their own boundaries and dealings in a relationship).

I'd personally hate it.

I am open to Try new things if it's not for me then we don't do it again,

Or desperate to keep him so willing to do anything?

It sounds very one sided to me and not something I could accept. I'd also be surprised if none of these relationships have moved onto the physical. But if you are genuinely happy with this and feel your relationship is enhanced and not devalued by it, fair play.

I don't mind the sexting now, that was the overstepping issue we had, he is very sexually free open to most things, I sometimes need a little encouragement to try and a majoriety of the time I like it, this is where communication comes in for us, we will sit down and talk things through, why/who/when/what ext... as I said before I am more open to Try new things now, there is no coercion or forced intentions, him being physical is the next step, i believe he does not go out his way to seek these things, as I said he is naturally flirtatious and then possibly gets lost in the moment x

Yes it does seem very onesided, I need to ask him outright how he would feel if I did what he is doing, we have touched this topic lightly and my understanding is he wouldn't mind (sexting, flirting) but un sure on physical x

Sexting isn't being flirty it's deliberately engaging in sexual texting with other women.

This means sending and receiving photos, talking about what you want to do to each other. There is no question that it just stops there a) because it'll wind him up to want to do it and b) the other woman will likely want to do it with him.

Whilst I get people do have open relationships and it works. Those people BOTH have that part.

I for one couldn't stand my husband/BF sexting another woman and then coming into bed with me. Because chances are, that woman turned him on.

What new things are you trying though? Other than letting him go with other women, what new things are you trying?

And he has slept with other women, that's a given. You're kidding yourself if you think he hasn't,

I'm sorry op, it sounds like you're trying to justify yourself putting up with this because you're desperate not to loose him and if you don't put up with it you will loose him.

I don't think any of us believe for one moment you wouldn't prefer he was faithful to you,

Some of your phrasing makes the situation seem even sadder, you shouldn't need 'a little encouragement' to perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, and some of which you have not enjoyed. That is coercion. And it sounds as if you initially caught him sexting, were understandably upset, and he has somehow got you to agree to letting him do it, as long as he tells you. It just sounds like you get badgered into appeasing him tbh with 'communication'. There is clearly very little respect. I assume he is a DJ or similar? If so I very much doubt his liaisons with other women are purely via phone chat.

I had a one sided open relationship with an ex when he was away on his gap year, at the time I convinced myself I was ok with it, I even suggested it first wanting to be a 'cool' girlfriend. I was young and naive, he had zero respect for me I just wanted so badly to think we were being mature and modern by eschewing social norms. Nope he was just having his cake and eating it. And he admitted to doing far more than I knew about when I broke up with him years later, thinking his honesty would make me see sense and call off the breakup. Your bloke isn't telling you everything, I'd bet my life savings on it

I see it as having a strong enough relationship to withstand and compromise is that not what marriage is?

Nobody who loved you would want you to compromise into a position that you hated. Nobody who loved you would want you to withstand behaviour that they know you struggle with - they wouldn't do it in the first place.

I have friends with genuinely open relationships. I have friends where one side has an open relationship. I'm generally quite happy to go along with whatever suits a couple; it's their choice. But that isn't what this is. This is a way for you to stay together despite what he's doing and not feel like he's constantly cheating on you and treating you poorly, because you've "condoned" it. But you know he'd do it whether or not you condoned it, and you are trying to both get ahead of the OW by knowing about it and make it a less attractive proposition for him by taking the danger out.

I'd be concerned about you if I was a real life friend, and I'd be judging him for how he's treating you.

The more I'm reading the more I can see people's point/concern, I'm going to take my time this evening and think for myself without any input from him, just allow myself to hear my own voice on what I want, and to think over what you all have said xxx

It sounds like you’re accepting crumbs because you really don’t feel you have any right to expect fidelity from someone as amazing as he is.

You’ve put him on a pedestal.

I think the boundaries in each relationship are different.

If you're both happy with where you've set yours then all power to you. Behaviour is only disrespectful towards you if you feel disrespected by it.

He does it. It hurts you. But he does it anyway. That's not love.

I get the feeling that you're not happy with your arrangement and that's what matters. Are you only tolerating this because you're scared he will leave otherwise? I would test the water and explain that you've met someone you'd like to sext and see his reaction. I think if you were really honest with yourself, you'd prefer if I'd he was faithful to you and you have shifted your boundaries because anything's better than losing him. I think he's having his cake and eating it.

With every post it's more obvious that you aren't happy, and that you have been conditioned by him into accepting him having affairs by him convincing you that he'd be absolutely fine if you did it (whilst knowing full well you wouldn't) and so if would be unreasonable of you to object to him doing it.

I think you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re ok with this as some kind of defence mechanism because, as @Bluntness100 said, you know he’s going to push the boundaries regardless of your feelings. His past behaviour shows you this. And over time you’ve gone from being upset with him flirting with other women (which you have nothing to apologise for btw - lots of people would be pissed by this) to him sexting woman and now saying you’d be ok with him having physical contact.

I’m just gonna say it as it seems - you’re more invested in your relationship with him than he is with you.

The boundaries have been pushed and pushed and he must know deep down based on your past reaction to him flirting that you’re not fully cool about him fucking about. But he’s still gonna have his cake and eat it.

I think you should really take time to ask yourself if your needs are being fully met by this guy. It’s not all about him and you shouldn’t be bending over backwards to keep him happy 💐