Intrigued to know what you think?

[Chocopop89]

I wanted to know if anyone else has this type of relationship with their partner, I feel i will be judged if I talk about the way me and my oh operate in our relationship to rl friends, my oh job is a very socially active nightlife job he is always in the way of temptation, I don't mind if he chats women up, I don't mind if he sexts them or calls them, I only have a problem when he hides it from me and deletes things, I hate the thought of someone he is having these relations with having one over me, I get angry and upset if I think he is hiding something from me I'd rather know, I have no intrest in talking/flirting having extra relations with anyone else I'm quite happy with my relationship as it is, we are open with each other, we have been in some shitty situations that lead us into a better understanding of us as a couple, I don't do what he does because it doesn't intrest me, does anyone else share my experience, I'd like to hear what people think on our situation, thank you x

Sounds like you're trying to find a way to be okay with all this when you're really not. Your previous boundaries (no sexting) have been crossed but you're okay with sexting now because you realise he'll do it anyway so it's better if you know. That's not the same as genuinely being okay with him sexting

sorry, I haven't read all of the thread.

I think this is a veyr interesting question, because it is challenging our pre-conceptions of what is important in a relationship.
I can imagine a situation where the physical side of a relationship is the least important, where the shared house, kids life together is what matters and so the people in the relationship are very laid back about the physical side and don't care if their partner is with others.
In fact there are many threads on mn about lack of sex and I wnoder if this type of relationship would help there too.

The danger as I see it is that at some point the partner decides he want to share more than sex with one of the people he meets.

I suspect from your posts that you are not quite as OK with this as you seem?

It certainly wouldn't be for me, but if it genuinely works for you, who am I to judge?

'he is a naturally flirtatious person so it is easy for him to become entwined into something that would be deemed not the norm'

He needs to stop it, then. We all have personality traits but we don't have to act on them at all, especially when it comes to txting etc. He might find he makes or wants to make a flirty comment to someone IRL but then he should reign himself in and stop it. Texting gives us longer to think before we 'speak,' so if he's flirting by txt with someone, it's not just his personality and he can't help it, it's deliberate.

From what you say about you being not keen to try stuff but then geting into it (I could be wrong) it sounds like this flirting with other women is partly to attempt by him to get someone for you to have a threesome with?

As others have said, his wangling for you to do stuff sexually you don't want to do is sexual coercion- it's creepy.

I was in a similar position op and tried to be cool about things. Even convinced myself I was comfortable with things as we'd 'agreed' them. Just like you.

He's my ex now and looking back I can see I was really only agreeing to do things I wasn't comfortable with because I knew he'd do them anyway.

You don't sound convincing OP. It seems more like you've tried to justify all of this and put a spin on it that means you are able to 'accept it' because you can't face losing him.

If he started sexting before this arrangement came into place he is just a cheat, and your response has been to turn it into something you've 'allowed' do it doesn't cause a breakup. That dynamic means he can just about do anything and persuade you into doing the same- I'd be wary of a man that wanted that for me, and who needed other women on the side as sexual playthings to prevent him leaving me. At the end of the day OP saying something doesn't make it true- he could be doing anything, other women turn him on and it sounds like he'd have done that whether you agreed or not. He'll presumably just keep pushing those boundaries (and your self esteem/sanity).

Not against open relationships at all as an aside (though they don't often seem to work) and people do all sorts behind closed doors (and out of them) and I don't think this scenario is particularly shocking or that anyone I know would 'die' upon hearing about it if we knew you- Mainly I'd just be worried about you - the rest sounds fairly uninteresting, as other peoples sex lives and want men want from women that they saw online, usually is/are.

He's not the taxi driver that keeps going on Naked Attraction is he?

Joking to one side, no, it's not great is it? One day you're going to wake up and think "I'm too old for all this shit". And where will you be then? Who will you spend quality time with, when he is balls deep in some other woman? I'd move on. Life is way too short to be putting up with this fuckery.

It's good that you're going to take some quiet time to yourself to think things over, OP. He's been employed in clubs/night life so far but tbh before long he'll be a bit too long in the tooth for that scene - you've been together 14 years already & he can't be a spring chicken. Nothing worse than a middle aged man still thinking he's cool & a catch for all the young girls. His employment opportunities will begin to dry up so what pool of girls/women will he be looking to for his "fun".
You really do deserve someone better than this

I don't mind if he chats women up, I don't mind if he sexts them or calls them
Each to their own I guess.
But my bar would be set far far higher than this.
What are your DC learning about relationships?
Would you want this for their futures?
If you have a DD, would this relationship be good enough for her?
If not, then it's not good enough for you either!
Stop modelling this if it's not what you want for your DC.

he has accepted me for all I am with my faults too
But this is what we all do!
This is NOT something special HE does!

Lovely, you obviously mind, it cuts you to the quick, but you've buried that hurt in the hope that if you "let" him do some things, then he won't do other things.

OP, he almost certainly does all the things. He isn't a nice man, he flaunts his infidelity in front of you, knowing full well that you are faithful to him and damaged by his behaviour.

I'm almost positive that he would be furious if you did to him what he did to you.

Lovely, there are so, so, so very many bog standard average men out there. Fgs, dump this abject bastard and upgrade to one of them.

Hi all, took some time out to get through the rest of the week and to really think about it all, some of you are right, I'm trying to control a situation I don't want to be in by doing damage control, regardless of what I say he keeps doing the things I ask him not to anyway, I'm sticking to my guns, and I'm going to see how we get on over the next few months, I have spoken to him and he has listened now we will wait and see what happens, thank you for everyone's input, it's hard to hear sense when you have already justified crap behaviour but yes I do deserve better x

Yes you deserve better!!!!!! I had an ex like this and didn’t realise how badly I was being treated until after it ended.