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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just been arrested *Trigger warning DV*

71 replies

Fuzzybum · 01/10/2019 01:42

I have been in a coercively controlling relationship for quite some time. We have 2 young DC.
Tonight he was arrested after a friend reported what I told her. I usually keep this to myself but things have been getting on top of me lately and I've felt like I needed to tell someone.
I didn't want DP arrested. I didn't to split in such an acrimonious manner. I didn't want my kids to lose their dad or their extended family.
But now I feel like I've fucked up. I feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel responsible.
Anyone care to hold my hand tell me that its going to be ok?

OP posts:
CheesecakeAddict · 01/10/2019 01:58

Hey, from one DV survivor to a DV survivor-to-be, sending lots of hugs and handholding. You will get through this, and it will be so hard. Does your council run a DV hotline? If not ring the DV helpline (open 27/7).
You did the right thing by telling your friend. A similar thing happened to me and I am so grateful to that friend now. Things have started now and change is scary, but you deserve better xxx

cakeandchampagne · 01/10/2019 02:09

Your friend just saved your life & your children’s lives.
Someday you will understand that.

Insomniacscientist · 01/10/2019 02:20

I just joined up to reach out and let you know that you’ve not f’d up.
I also wanted say your friend did the right thing. Even if you can’t see it now she did it for you and your dc. Your dc need to grow up feeling safe. You are their advocate.
If you feel able please read a book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Domestic violence comes in many forms and your acknowledgment that he is corrosively controlling is the first step.
I grew up constantly on edge and hyper vigilant due to my father being abusive and affected me long into adulthood.
Thinking of you

OldWoodenBoxInTheCorner · 01/10/2019 05:18

Well done for speaking up. And that is one good friend you have there!

You will be ok and your children will thank you for it Flowers

forumdonkey · 01/10/2019 06:20

I know it feels huge and overwhelming but your friend has done you the biggest favour. Again, this post comes from someone 13 year's on from where you are and I promise my only regret is not doing it years before.

Original poster
Fuzzybum · 01/10/2019 06:33

But now that hes been arrested I feel like it wasnt really anything and he didn't do anything all that wrong. Is that normal? What the hell happens now? I was ushered to my mums by the DV team with the DC and now I have no idea wtf to do

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 01/10/2019 06:46

They don't arrest people for not doing anything 'all that wrong' usually, The whole problem with coercive control is that it plays with your understanding leaving you asking yourself Did he coerce you or did you change your mind? Was he threatening or were you overreacting?.

If the police felt the need to arrest him and shift you to your mums then they can see an issue

SpinneyHill · 01/10/2019 06:50

It will be ok.
It is normal to feel doubt, guilt and shame when dealing with any kind of abuser because you've been conditioned to blame yourself

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2019 07:32

Stay with your Mum
Your friend has done you a favour although it may not feel like that now

Teacakeandalatte · 01/10/2019 07:39

You told your friend what happened and she was so shocked she called the police. That shows it was not nothing in itself. Secondly the police took it seriously enough to arrest him and they wouldn't do that lightly. So don't think it's nothing, what happened was clearly bad enough to be both shocking and illegal.

happytoday73 · 01/10/2019 07:40

Big hug!
DV is not acceptable. Please take this opportunity to get help... Your friend is a true friend.. She has your back... It might not seem that way to you at the moment... But she is the one to keep hold of

Can you go to your mums? Ring womens aid or alike?
I wish you the strength and courage to make the right long term changes for you and your children

DewDropsonKittens · 01/10/2019 07:42

What was it that he did to you; there is a reason you shared it with a friend.

That is the best thing that could have happened. What if next time, he did even worse to you and your friend had said nothing

Jeezoh · 01/10/2019 07:45

What struck me about your post was how much you said “I” - this is not your fault, your OH is responsible and your friend has done you the biggest favour. Please take all the support you can, this may feel like your lowest point but the only way is up xx

MrsMoastyToasty · 01/10/2019 07:46

No, HE fucked up.

Basil90 · 01/10/2019 07:50

Think of your poor children and stop making excuses for him

StumpyinSomerset · 01/10/2019 07:52

From another Domestic Violence survivor,your friend did exactly the right thing.

It might seem at the moment that itwasn't really anything but that's how it starts.Once it starts it only gets worse. Those of us that have been through it,know.

It WILL be ok,you'll get through this. Yes,you'll feel shame,guilt and that you fucked up - this is normal. But it wasn't you that fucked up - it was him.It is NOT YOUR fault.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 01/10/2019 07:52

Your friend sounds as though she has your back.

She has saved your life and your childrens lives.

It is worth you to contact womans aid for help and advice.

Be strong Fuzzybum and get this abuser out of your life.

Take care Flowers

Tonnerre · 01/10/2019 07:53

No-one but your partner is responsible for this. He is the one who fucked up. Please remind yourself of that every time you begin to feel bad about the situation. Your friend was absolutely right.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 01/10/2019 07:55

here is the link to womans aid

2004pickle · 01/10/2019 07:55

But now that hes been arrested I feel like it wasnt really anything and he didn't do anything all that wrong. Is that normal?

Flowers Flowers

This is normal or at least it was for me. As soon as I told people about the abuse in the relationship I was in it suddenly sounded to me like they hadn’t done anything wrong and that I’d made a big deal out things or imagined it. The people I told could see it for what it was - abusive and manipulative - but part of the manipulation is that the victim doubts themselves.

This will be a tough journey but over time it will be the start of a better and safer life for you and your dc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2019 08:14

Your friend did save both your children and you by acting as she did.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Please consider contacting Womens Aid.

The only one who should feel shame here is him. This is all on him. Abuse like you describe also thrives on secrecy; am glad it is out in the open now. You need to keep this violent individual out of your life for good now.

KUGA · 01/10/2019 08:23

Spinneyhill is spot on.

Siablue · 01/10/2019 08:24

It is totally normal to feel like that, that’s what control does to you. I am in a similar situation but a few weeks ahead of you. I think the fact that you felt you had to tell someone means that you know how bad it is. It is really hard to process. You have been protecting him all this time.
You can’t have an amicable split with someone who is abusive and controlling. That’s not your fault it is his. You can only be amicable when both people are amicable.

ISpeakJive · 01/10/2019 09:52

I applaud your friend.

She just saved your lives.

AnnaNimmity · 01/10/2019 12:34

well done to your friend. I was in a relationship like that and couldn't see the wood for the trees. My friends all knew, my kids knew. It took violence for me to actually see what was happening, and even then I had to speak to a counsellor who kind of gave me "permission" to call the police.

Now I'm out of it, I can see clearly for what it was. I can see other incidents of violence that I'd blanked out, and I can see how damaging it was for my children and for me.

You're lucky to have friends like that. I'd suggest counselling will help you to see more clearly. You've rescued your children. Well done. Keep strong.

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