DP just been arrested *Trigger warning DV*

[Fuzzybum]

I have been in a coercively controlling relationship for quite some time. We have 2 young DC.
Tonight he was arrested after a friend reported what I told her. I usually keep this to myself but things have been getting on top of me lately and I've felt like I needed to tell someone.
I didn't want DP arrested. I didn't to split in such an acrimonious manner. I didn't want my kids to lose their dad or their extended family.
But now I feel like I've fucked up. I feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel responsible.
Anyone care to hold my hand tell me that its going to be ok?

I really get what you're saying and I do sometimes think it appears agencies are taking what little control you have away from you, telling you what needs to happen rather than you making your own choices.
However you say Whilst in a relationship with him I was aware of his controlling behaviour and managed it That's all very well when there are only two adults involved, you can make these choices and take the consequences. In your situation there are children who were not being protecting from living within abuse, they had no choice.
One day you will thank the services who took this out of your control. I do believe you when you say you had a plan to leave but when was the plan going to be put into place? Next month, next year? Every day that goes by living within abuse is one day too many particularly for children. I really hope you and the children can get back to your own home asap and begin the process of healing

Please please look up the Freedom Programme in your area - you need some support

Let the authorities do their job, which is to protect you and your children. If he was controlling enough to warrant immediate arrest then your kids are living with daily risk, and they need to be helped. I'm glad you're getting this help.

Well done @Fuzzybum - well done.

Do please remember that "arrest" does not mean anything at the initial stage. DP may simply be released "on bail" or "under investigation" [though I hope not]. The potential way forward is decided by the CPS as to whether to charge and later whether a court finds DP guilty

Oh OP I think you need to get on the freedom programme - you havent said exactly what happened but based on the response of your friend and social services etc I suspect it is absolutely necessary.

I think you need to get over how it's happened and just be glad you are rid of him!
Can't fathom why you were still going to allow contact? Strange

@Fuzzybum , while you were “planning”,
other people actually took appropriate action.

I was still going to allow contact because he absolutely adores his kids, they adore him and he would never hurt them or do anything to upset them. He is all about his kids. Its us that cant get on. He has not been violent to me at all. He had not made threats to my life. And I was not scared. My exit plan was based around leaving during October half term.
I'm not an idiot,as rather ironically I used to work within a professional environment that dealt with abuse etc which is why I knew exactly what I was dealing with and how I needed to manage it until I could leave.

Hey, have you had a name change fail? Maybe you want to report your post.

It doesn’t matter what you were planning though. The cat is out of the bag so you just have to deal with the current situation as best you can. Good luck!

If what you say in your last update is all correct the the police and SS will soon reinstate him seeing his children.

The thing with control is how can the professionals know whether he is still controlling you when you insist he's fine with the kids, that you had a plan etc etc? They need to get you out of that situation and then question him. Can you see that they have little choice?

In your OP, you asked for a hand hold and to be told everything would be OK.

I will give you a hand hold. I can't say that everything will be OK, because I don't know what's really going on, but I can say that you and your children not living with abuse will be a lot better.

From my own personal experience your friend did the wrong thing.
She should have supported you to make the right decisions for yourself.

I have been your friend and the result was that they just got back together a few months later when things calmed down.it was then harder for her to see me because he blamed me for the disruption and eventually turned her against me.

She had a knee jerk reaction which is going to backfire massively.

@MrsElizabethShelby and what if she hadn't reported it and OP wound up in hospital? It's a really hard situation for both involved but OP is going to need her friends.

Well, I had a friend who did the whole support her friend without involving authorities and they ended up back together too and the friend was frozen out. At least the OP’s situation is on the radars of social services and hopefully they will keep an eye on things.

My concern is the OP felt she was managing the situation. This is a common belief of women in abusive situations and often not the reality. They think they are managing things and in control but the reality is it’s just a delusion.

I'm imagining all sorts now with regards to what you told your friend and what she then told the police to make them actually arrest him. Physical abuse I could understand as it's more obvious, cohesive control isn't.
Please be careful going forward with contact with your children. He most likely will 'adore' his kids while they are young and malleable. It may be very very different once they develop their own personalities particularly if there is any clash

OP , you would have spent years "managing " the situation.. to take any gimps of niceness on his part as hope he would change... thus pushing your plans back and back. You think you were managing it? you were .. just making the best of it. Intelligent people get lost, just like you. Your friend did do the right thing, she absolutely did. She was brave too and i sense your going to cut contact with her (you shouldnt). You wouldnt have left him. You said yourself you've been in a controlling relationship a long time (and stayed in it and not left) you needed this kick. Please dont protect him . If you do he is still controlling you

MrsElizabethShelby you can't make that judgement because we don't know how bad the control was. Just yesterday a poster told of how her husband made he sleep in a cupboard amongst more terrible things. Without knowing what he did to OP you can't say whether her friend did the wrong thing

@forumdonkey oh I know how bad abuse can be.

When I was the 'friend' my friend was being punched, kicked, bitten, starved, locked in the bathroom for days on end with her DC, burned with cigarettes, dragged down the street by her hair, denied access to sanitary protection and raped on a regular basis.

She still went back. She went back because she was not in the right place to make the break herself.

Even if the op can't go back to this arsehole because of SS and police intervention ( and I don't see why not, they did fuck all about my friend)
Unless she is ready to face something like freedom programme she will just end up with another.

I’m sorry you feel that way about your friend. I still think you did the right thing by reporting the abuse. What if he’d killed her and you’d done nothing? At least you tried to help her even if it didn’t work.

I hope you're feeling better today OP. Your posts made me so sad. I know you had a soft exit planned but I don't think you would have been allowed to just walk away on your terms. Men like your partner don't allow this. Be strong for your daughter because she has already seen many things she shouldn't have that will have shaped what her idea of a relationship is. Your friend was afraid for you, she took steps to protect you and your daughter because she knew your were not safe. Men like your partner end up killing their partners.

From my own personal experience your friend did the wrong thing.
She should have supported you to make the right decisions for yourself.

I agree with this.

She should have supported you to make the right decisions for yourself

For how long? For however long it takes? Because the children are what, collateral damage?