DP just been arrested *Trigger warning DV*

[Fuzzybum]

I have been in a coercively controlling relationship for quite some time. We have 2 young DC.
Tonight he was arrested after a friend reported what I told her. I usually keep this to myself but things have been getting on top of me lately and I've felt like I needed to tell someone.
I didn't want DP arrested. I didn't to split in such an acrimonious manner. I didn't want my kids to lose their dad or their extended family.
But now I feel like I've fucked up. I feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel responsible.
Anyone care to hold my hand tell me that its going to be ok?

Your friend found it bad enough to report. The police found it bad enough to come and arrest him immediately.
You're going to be safe now.

After living through a 20 year abusive relationship and him leaving me/DCs 2 years ago, one of my main regrets is never reporting any of the abuse he put me through to the police. I now wish I had reported those abusive acts, just so that they were documented somewhere which would reduce people's minimisation of it (including me). It may not feel like it now but your friend has tipped the balance and you can now live life in the way that you deserve it to be. Welcome to the first day of the rest of YOUR life!

Your friend might've saved your life and even those of your children, too, as you don't know how it would've escalated.

Be honest with the police and services- don't play things down to cover for him.

Playing it down isn't the best thing for the kids because services/police need to be able to accurately assess their safety with him going forward.

Hugs and best wishes xxx

It's out of your hands now, so relax at your Mums and take heart that someone loved you enough to report this.

He's the one who fucked up. Do not minimise his actions.

Now the Police are involved, there is no going back. That life is over. You and your DC are free from this man.

You're in shock, but this is day 1 of the rest of your lives

The police/ domestic violence team were clearly very concerned for your safety @Fuzzybum. Their swift action tells all of us here just how wrong and cruel your dh must have been! I would look up the Lundy Bancroft book ‘why Does he do that’ and contact Woman’s Aid and ask for them to help you see what your dh has been doing is wrong. Unfortunately you are so used to being abused that you don’t know what black or white is anymore, let alone right or wrong! I would also stay with your Mum and take things one day at a time. Let the professionals protect you and your dc just now.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and neither does your friend. HE has done this. He has acted in such a way that is not safe for you or your children. Your friend has prevented you from further harm. You did nothing to deserve being abused.

It might feel awful now but it is a blessing and in time you will come to understand that

You're in shock, OP.

It's OK to be confused, and doubtful, and ashamed, and anything else you've got bubbling inside. Whatever you're feeling, it's OK to feel.

Take things one breath at a time, and one step at a time.

It WILL be OK. You'll go through a whole rollercoaster of emotions, and there will be things you need to do that are hard to do, and you'll make some mistakes and do other things really well.

And then, on the other side of that, you'll be OK. And so will your kids. And that's all that matters.

Just go one minute at a time.

You've got a really good friend there.

Your reaction is part of the coercive control - he has brainwashed you into minimising/not recognising what he's done and how he's abused you AND your children.

Please don't play it down or cover up for this man who has done this to you and your children.

This is your chance to escape and build a good, safe and happy life for you and your children.

May godspeed.

I had to have my partner arrested for DV last week. And I still have waves of "have I done the right thing?" And doubting myself. I also keep asking myself if it was worth calling the police. But the police are constantly reassuring me that I have done the right thing. Your friend was obviously worried and has done the right thing for you. I hope this works out for you x

You can't see clearly when you're in it - that's the nature of coercive control. You doubt yourself. I had friends telling me very clearly what the man I was seeing was like. I had friends telling me very clearly that I needed to protect my children. my friends didn't even know the half of it. I think you are lucky to have those friends.

Like you, the police arrested my ex straight away(it turns out I wasn't the first). They took it seriously - It took a lot of counselling for me to see the whole relationship for what it was.

Oh, love.

Neither your friend nor the police would have acted as they had had they not feared for your safety.

It isn’t ok for him to make you and your children live as you have been.

Living with a controlling man ribs you if the strength and self confidence to rescue yourself.

The police and your friend have sent you a lifeboat.

Take it!

Do not minimise what he has done, do not make it sound less to the police, open up about how difficult and frightening it has been.

They are on your side.

w

Hi op, firstly your in shock so please take the time to breathe, your friend did something amazing for you she did what you couldn't due to the control. You and your children are safe and clearly loved. Please when you see your friend give her a hug as she may think you will hate her for doing this but she was only doing what was right.
Doing the right thing isn't always the easy path. Good luck x

Your friend has given you a way out. Take it!!

I didn't want DP arrested. I didn't to split in such an acrimonious manner. I didn't want my kids to lose their dad or their extended family. But now I feel like I've fucked up. I feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel responsible.

Re-read this OP ..

I have been in a coercively controlling relationship for quite some time.

then re-read this..

You should have made this call long ago for the sake of your kids. Thankfully you have an amazing friend. I hope you keep her close and not ditch her in favour of taking this scum bag back.

you've done the right thing by your children. Hold onto that thought! He split your family, not you. It'll be ok. Your children will be ok.

This all just feels like I've lost even more of my control.
Whilst in a relationship with him I was aware of his controlling behaviour and managed it. since this has happened the police have taken control by forcing me to my mums, arresting him, imposing bail conditions etc. They've taken control of my exit. I was planning my exit,and it did not involve having to return to our family home in the dead of night to gather as many possessions as I could stuff into my car and flee, possibly never to return. My daughter has had to see and hear things she didn't need to. Shes not been to school and has not been eating because she says she feels sad.
Yesterday social services contacted me and said that I am not to let him contact myself of the children until they've been and spoken to us both and put a safe contact plan in place. Again, I had already arranged this with his family and was going to allow him to see the DC this weekend but they have taken more of my control and I dont know when my kids will see their daddy again. I'm having to answer questions and deal with tears when this is not how i planned it.
I am screaming at Services at the top of my lungs that I am a smart person, I knew what was happening,I was planning a soft exit with the option to ask for help from the right people in place but instead of regaining my control I've lost it even more!
Despite all of these feelings of guilt etc, I won't be going back to him. But I wanted to do things in a way that would foster a positive relationship for parenting our children, as he is NOT a risk to them or me, but professionals seem to have taken an extreme approach and it's made things so much worse.

I understand where you're coming from OP, if you already had an exit strategy.

It's hard on you and your daughter, but it would have been harder for you to leave and stay gone if he's had control over you for so long.

He would have said all the right things and promised to change and it'd be a vicious cycle.

At least this way everyone, including the professionals, are there to support you and will help you stay away and not let him convince you to go back.

Your daughter will be ok. She's got you and you're the most important person to her.
She'll see her dad again soon and she'll get used to the new arrangements soon enough.
Social services have her best interests at heart.

It's going to work out ok OP. We're here for you

I understand what you are saying because I am in a similar situation to you (I did report my husband to the police so in a way different). It feels like a bomb has gone off in your life. You have had to leave your home and everything is upside down.

But you have to let go of the let go of the delusion that you can ever have a soft exit from a controlling relationship. The police thought this situation was serious enough to come out straight away. It is unlikely that he would have let you leave with the children. The most dangerous time is when you are leaving an abusive relationship. He is losing control of you. If he didn’t let you do anything on your terms when you were in the relationship then there is zero chance of him letting you leave the relationship on your terms.

There are threads on here with women whose abusive partners have taken the children when they tried to leave. There are women who are stalked by there ex after they leave. If no one had reported then there is often no evidence of the abuse when something goes badly wrong.

I wanted to do things in a way that would foster a positive relationship for parenting our children, as he is NOT a risk to them or me, '

Of course he's a risk- he's committed crimes against you.

'but professionals seem to have taken an extreme approach and it's made things so much worse.'

They are at most erring on the side of caution, and that'd be the best thing for you to do, too. Most likely (as this is their job) they're accurately assessing his level of risk, or are in the process of doing so. Trust them.

Why won’t you be guided by the professionals? Why are you engaging with his family to arrange a visit when you have been told to have no contact? You need to be careful that your decisions now don’t lead to your DC being removed. There are clearly serious concerns about the safety of your DC, you are in an abusive relationship and cannot see the wood for the trees however those around you can hence your friend calling the police. Wait for the formal processes to be followed, surely these can only help you with your future plans for contact etc which can be done safely

Control being taken away from you is a horrible feeling. So I do understand how you must be feeling if you genuinely did have an exit plan that you, hand on heart, were going to put into action very soon.

But. The police and social services response is unusually strong. So I can't help feeling that what he did was worse than you're letting on. So it might be that your soft leaving strategy wouldn't have worked.

Try not to be angry with your friend. If what he did was bad enough to lead to an arrest and the other instructions you've been given, she did what she felt she needed to do to keep you safe

My daughter has had to see and hear things she didnt need to

Yes, because her parents had an abusive relationship and couldn't/didn't protect her from that. And you cant see what risk a controlling, cohesive man is to your children so they need protection from those that can.

You have a true friend there. That took some courage.

I get what you are saying but they were right to act. You think you are in control. You think you are managing the situation but it really isn’t possible to “manage” an abusive partner.

He's just as much as risk to your DC as he is you.

I'm sad you can't see that.

He will manipulate and bully them. He won't be able to help it. Which is why THEY need protecting from him just as much as you do.

Don't kid yourself he's a good Dad. Good Dads don't control their partners. Ever. You're putting his needs before theirs and that has to change. Which is what SS and the Police will help you do.