Tempers from 2 strong willed people I love dearly

[AimeeW2019]

I'm 35, my husband is 37, and is extremely protective of me...
My mother had me later in life when she was my age, so shes in her early 70's.

The issue is... I'm currently 37+2 with our 1st baby together, I have a daughter from a previous relationship but hubby and I have been trying for years and after 4 miscarriages and one ectopic... this little rainbow girl finally stuck.

Hubby and I are super happy and he honestly is the best, protective and loving, wrapping me in cotton wool and telling me I'm "precious cargo" but he is also very outspoken... he is not afraid to speak his mind...

My mum, as loved as she is... she still drives but let's say her driving isnt what it used to be, she gets too distracted, doesn't concentrate, and theres been quite a few times we've almost been in an accident because of her, she thinks she owns the road and never does anything wrong... itll always be the other drivers fault...

Anyway, we were out at the hospital today for a positioning scan, my baby is breach therefore an elective csection had to be arranged, happening in 2 weeks!!

Whilst leaving the hospital (my mum likes helping by taking us to appointments as we dont drive) almost crashed into an oncoming car and my hubby, who's respectfully bit his tongue, spoke up and said she has to start being more careful, mum was biting back and things started getting a little heated so I had to pipe up and say "enough!" Mum likes to drag things on and on and both of them have to have the last word... the last thing I need right now is 2 of the people I love falling out... they usually get on like a house on fire...

But hubby has now said he no longer feels safe in her car, and that if i want to continue going places with her it's up to me, but he says our kids, especially this baby... isnt going in her car...

To be honest, I dont trust her driving anymore either, she either drives way to slow, wants to chat or be nosey out the window not concentrating on the road, she flies over speed bumps, people toot their horns at her... its quite embarrassing... so my hubby is right and I do agree with him...

But how do I tell mum I no longer trust her driving ability? She would be so crushed... but my husband no matter how old mum is... has a right to Express his opinion just as much as she has... she thinks because she's a certain age... it entitles her to do as she pleases... and how dare anyone stand up to her...

Then you get the guilt trip saying things like "you'll be old yourself one day and you only get one mother"

It's got nothing to do with her being my mother... he openly admits hed say exact same to his mum if he thought she was making stupid decisions putting us in danger, so hes just point blank refusing to get back in her car... and I'm worried this will cause atmospheres because my mum constantly drags things up... yes families can have disagreements... but she will not let anything go.

I'm not going to take sides as I love them both, but knowing what my mums like on the road... I do agree with him.

So what would you guys do?? ?? ??

Aimee xx

Of course you shouldn't get lifts with her. She sounds like a menace on the roads. You don't have to "take sides" - there isn't any side. The only thing that matters is that she is a terrible driver and she could kill you / your baby / other people.

You need to back your DH on this one - tell her straight out that since her driving is so bad, you'll be using other means of transport from now on. Don't let her guilt you - your baby's safety is at risk here, as well as yours. Start getting Ubers and don't change your mind no matter what she says.

Your husband would drive me up the wall with precious cargo talk, and being “extremely protective”. Doesn’t mean he’s not right though. It’s not about sides.

It’s a horrible situation for you, but go and see your mum. Tell her after the near crash you’ve decided you’re not feeling safe in the car with her. Be kind, don’t get into criticising every bad part of her driving. Do not mention your husband AT ALL. If she does, firmly tell her it’s how YOU feel. I know it’s hard - but not as hard as the aftermath of her causing a car crash with your kids in the car.

Well quite frankly you should take sides as this is a safety issue and not an Emo one. Your DH is right and your mother isn’t safe and needs to be told. She can pull all the emotional blackmail crap she wants but when she ploughs into an unsuspecting person how will you feel then? She could kill somebody. A friend of mine was killed by an old cow who didn’t want to be told she couldn’t drive anymore. I personally think everybody above 70 should have their licences automatically removed and they should have to have medical/eyesight examinations every year and go through a yearly driving competency if they want to keep it. What you do is you call your mother and tell her the driving to the scans is now off, your husband is right and none of you are getting in the car with her again and she shuts her lippy mouth and gets over it. Then you call the DVLA or the GP and get some proper advice on getting her assessed before she kills somebody’s loved one. Thank god your husbands got some brains and balls for the rest of you

My DP is 73 but he is still a good driver. Why is your mother so bad?
Was she always bad? Does she seldom drive so she is out of practice?
Perhaps she has medical issues which are affecting her behaviour.

She is a danger to you and your child. Don’t get lifts. There is no arguing about it because it is decided and no matter what she says it won’t change your mind. Just tell her you’ve made your choice and you aren’t going to discuss it. If she continues to argue hang up or walk away

Learn to drive yourselves - problem solved

@Ellisandra... thanks but it doesnt matter what anyone thinks bout the way he loves me... after being in horrible relationships in the past I'm grateful to now have a man who worships the ground I walk on... I'm not asking for anyone else to "approve" that cos I married him... the issue here is with my mothers driving... and the people including yourself have given me great insight to which I thank everyone for... yes hubby and I have said for a while now that people over 60 should have regular tests from DVLA to ensure they should still be entitled to be on the roads... far too many people blame young "boy racers" for causing accidents on the road, but as another commenter said... their loved one was hit by a 70 y/o woman who wouldn't be told shes not safe to be on the roads anymore... but i find very much that generation beleive different...

Aimee

@Custardbear we would be learning how to drive ourselves but financial issues dictate that happening right now... it costs money

I don't want to share the roads with your mother. It could be my life she ruins when she ploughs into somebody.

When you're not in the car with her, tell her;

"Mum, your driving is scaring me and I think you should give up driving and go get checked out by the doctor. I'm not going to get in the car with you again."

And every time she tries to argue, guilt trip or not let it go,

"It's not up for debate. Safety is my priority."

May I ask why neither you not hubby drives? Life would be easier if at least one of you learnt.

@fatshedra yeah my dad is same age as her and hes a perfect driver... so confident on the road... from what I remember of my younger years she was a great driver too shes just "lost" something... I dont know if she has issues that could be mentally preventing her confidence, whenever things dont go her way she throws a hissy fit and claims shes depressed... but has never been to a doctor for diagnosis... I dont see what she has to be depressed about she has a family who love her... my husband even loves the bones of her even though they haven't always seen eye to eye... but there is only so much he can take and like i said in original post hes bit his tounge for a while now out of respect for me and her..m and yesterday he said was the "final nail in the coffin"

Your husband is right IMO. Your mother sounds like an unsafe driver and I don’t blame your husband for wanting to protect his baby. I think you need to explain to your mother that it’s nothing personal against her, and this needn’t spoil your lovely close relationship, but unfortunately you can’t take your baby in the car with her.

@cofeeandchocolate9 oh beleive me my hubby is DESPERATE to drive... he hates having to rely on other people ferrying us around... he knows how to drive... his sister taught him when he was 17... and hes very much clued up on the highway code and driving etiquette... for us it's just purely been circumstantial and financial difficulties... I wont bore anyone with details but we've been in a bit of debt over the years which were still repaying... and with baby on the way plus a teenager and a house to run... just every day life dictating our circumstances, just cant afford to at the moment... but he is going to be looking into getting his licence and getting things official... me I've never been behind the wheel of a car I saved up for lessons when I was younger but then I fell pregnant with my eldest daughter and the money I saved had to go to a deposit & months rent upfront for a house as I still lived with mum and dad at the time... so yeah it's just those factors something more important has always stopped us.

Ring a drivibg mobikity assessment centre and ask advice then take her for an assessment saying u are worried about her. She will also be worried but is being defensive i bet . Tell her you are worried also

Thank you everyone for your advice by the way... yes I'm the first to admit my mothers driving isnt what it used to be, and I know I'm taking risks getting in a car with her, she is an expert on guilt trips... making me feel like shes "being left out"... she loves to help people and has a good heart so it really isnt anything personal... she would be crushed if I told her I no longer wanted her to take us anywhere, but im a grown up independent woman and I know have to protect my family, she always asks if she can take my eldest daughter places and I always find excuses like were busy with other plans... i dont want my daughter going anywhere with her alone and it really pains me to say that cos shes her gran and should be able to do what grans do... she just gets way too distracted because of her nosey-ness... shes an animal lover and if someone walks by with a dog shell be like "awww look at that little dog it's so cute".... and I've had to say to her "mum please watch the road instead" I know it's not just my life shes risking but other people / pedestrians etc.... I've got to have this chat with her but it ain't going to be easy put it that way, shes a person who doesnt take criticism well.

Your mum could kill your baby. You'd be an idiot to let her give you a lift again. You'll just have to rely on public transport or find someone safe to give you a lift into you van sort of your finances so one of you can drive.

Please do take sides! Pick the side that wants to live!
Your dm needs reporting imo.
No more lifts and tell her why. She may be mad for a while. But better than a long time dead.

Your H and you need to present a fully united front on this matter of your mother's driving.

Your mother sounds like someone who wants her own way all the time and gets stroppy at the drop of a hat as a means of further controlling you.

Do not accept any more lifts from her under any circumstances and stick to your word on this point.

I would be reporting your mother to both the police and DVLA if she is such a poor driver. She is a danger to her own self as well as you people and other road users.

I get you and can se why you don't drive - sounds like life just happened!

she loves to help people and has a good heart so it really isnt anything personal... she would be crushed if I told her I no longer wanted her to take us anywhere

To put it really bluntly she would also be crushed if she ended up in a car crash. Either physically, or metaphorically if she seriously hurt somebody else.

You're right, it's not going to be an easy conversation, but it is a vital one you need to have. Best of luck and stay strong

Giving her a good diversion can be a useful technique for somebody who "needs" to help.

"No lifts mum, but what I really need is (a knitted cardi for the baby/help finding a decent pram/to have some change ready for the taxi,) can you help me with that?"

My husband had to have this conversation but I have a sneaky feeling he told his Mam and not his Dad. Our problem was my FIL kept having unexplained falls that he didn't always tell his GP about. Recently my BIL had to tell his Dad he wasn't driving safely but he wouldn't worry about the conversation so much. It's very hard because it feels so personal but my son's safety comes above anyone feelings.

And have that conversation sooner rather than later.

We had no idea at all how poor my late FILs driving was; well until that is he got arrested and charged for a serious driving offense and at that point his licence was taken away. His advancing age was no mitigating factor either, the police well and truly did throw the book at him for what he did.

You say your dad is still a good driver - can he speak with your mum? My father has become less able to drive owing to a progressive illness and my mother has slowly and quietly taken over all the driving so he no longer drives at all. She didn't directly tell him to stop driving but I'm sure he knew that was what she was doing. There was no big confrontation but it just gradually became the norm.

I know it’s not easy, but you need to tell your mum she’s not safe on the roads.

What does your Dad say/think?!

The ageism is horrible though. Young people, mostly makes, still cause the mist accidents, not older people

My Aunty is 89 and she’s a great driver still,

If your DH can drive & knows the Highway Code, why doesn’t he sit his licence,that’s not expensive

@incrediblysadtoo I'm not trying to be ageist OR horrible here... merely stating a fact that yes, although most road accidents are still caused by younger drivers... older people "can be" just as bad...

Shes my mum and I love her so so much which is why I need advice on how to handle this because I dont want to hurt her feelings... but I do want to ensure my family's safety... and be United front with my husband... :(

Contact the DVLA re: her doing a driving assessment.
Also have a chat with your mother's GP. Obviously you can't discuss her health issues with the GP but you can at least let him know what is going on.
You could also try chatting to the police about her.
You will have done everything in your power to make things safe. Good luck.